Not too many moons ago, I published a blog post titled: https://shelbycourtland.wordpress.com/2013/10/16/todays-search-engine-terms/.
However, from this day forward, the stand-out searches will be given a new status, my version of ‘Freshly Pressed Bullshit!
First up we have,
my ex is a homeless prostitute
Now, there were two comments associated with this Freshly Pressed Bullshit! However, I am refraining from posting them since it is my belief that it was just plain old bullshit. Yo, if I am wrong, accept my sincerest apologies, but why would you feel the need to type in a search about your ‘ex being a homeless prostitute’? Yo, what’s up with that? I am sure that you don’t mind my calling you Yo as that is the name you chose. I admit that I do admire someone who is short and to the point, but in all honesty, even that is just a teeny bit too short for my taste. If you want to be taken seriously and not relegated to the ‘bullshit’ pile, then by all means, try and pretend that you actually really did give a shit about your most likely non-existent ‘ex’ who, according to you is now a ‘homeless prostitute’ that you still care so much for.
One thing that I must state is that https://shelbycourtland.wordpress.com/2013/09/17/the-homeless-prostitute/ IS a favorite, most definitely. But so far, you, Yo, are the first to ‘like’ it to a new extreme level. For some of you, just the word, ‘prostitute’ stirs you into a frenzy. I am aware of that, but as much as I have no empathy for potential Johns, I do want you to know that I took you seriously enough to give you a new status, that of, Freshly Pressed Bullshit! Enjoy your new fame.
Next, we have a search term that so enraged me that I thought that I would spontaneously combust, but thankfully water is still in abundance and I simply opened my mouth and inserted a water hose(“Yo, don’t even go there!”) and thankfully, that brought my temperature back down to normal. This is what got my goat up!
city lights skin lightener
This one was a search from Ethiopia and I must say that I am deeply saddened that most likely some beautiful, dark skinned Ethiopian woman has bought into the “I am ashamed of my complexion and I must lighten this ‘cursed’ skin of mine!” I know that what I say/write/speak falls on ears that will not hear and eyes that will not see the forest for the trees, but I refuse to give up and give in. I cannot stress it enough to you Miss Ethiopia, that no matter how ‘light’ you manage to eventually become by using your ‘city lights skin lightener’, you will NEVER be ‘light’ enough for the whites that you so wish to emulate. You are fighting an extremely uphill battle if you are so delusional that you think that it will make one hill o’ beans worth of difference to them if you put ‘cream in your coffee’. If I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times, do not judge yourself by the dictates of a fucked up society that is hell bent on making you think that because of your skin color, you are nothing. Just because it is not your complexion that is plastered all over the front of ‘their’ magazines and many of ‘ours’, does not negate the fact that your beautiful dark skin is just that, beautiful. Stop buying the bullshit, city lights skin lightener, and stop buying ‘into’ the bullshit! Your self-hatred is something that you need to deal with and no amount of skin lightener is going to help you with that. Put the magazines down! Develop friendships with positive-minded people if it is those around you who are telling you to ‘lighten’ up as that is THE only way that you will be perceived as beautiful. So not true!
And lastly, Miss Ethiopia, please read my poemhttps://shelbycourtland.wordpress.com/2013/11/17/shes-a-nubian-queen/. You were my inspiration for that because when I saw your search engine term, just seeing that brought tears of frustration to my eyes that we have been so programmed to hate the color of our own skin, to hate our hair texture, to look into a mirror and turn away in disgust. Look at what we have allowed those who, like I have stated before, will burn themselves to death to look like you and yet, you turn around and ‘bleach’ yourself to try to look like them! Seriously? Ask yourself this question, “why are whites so hell bent on as they claim, ‘tanning themselves’ to the point where they actually risk being diagnosed with melanoma, skin cancer? Think about that while you digest the fact that you have made it onto the Freshly Pressed Bullshit award list!
And the awards continue!
homeless black cock sex blog
Now, I don’t even know where to begin with this one! Sigh….!!! What I encounter when I blog, have mercy!!! If there is a ‘homeless black cock’ somewhere needing sex, please ‘blog’ about it so that this ‘person’ can find you and you can put this award winner out of his/her misery. Apparently, I am now to do public service announcements. The bulletin board here now has an advertisement for a ‘homeless black cock’ for sex! Congratulations, you are a recipient of the Freshly Pressed Bullshit award! Enjoy your newfound celebrity status.
Last, but not least!
funny poems about niggers
Hmmm! What to say about this one! I certainly hope that you got all that you bargained for when you read,https://shelbycourtland.wordpress.com/2013/09/30/nigger/. I can only hope and pray for fools and to that, I call on the good Reverend to please give a sermon.
“Good morning! Good morning! This is the first time that I have had the pleasure of addressing the ‘blog’ world and I must say that I am disheartened. What the hell?!!!! It is too damn early in the morning for some stupid nonsense from some hatin’ ass shit! Can I get an Amen?!!!! Yes, indeed! Now then, where was I? Oh, someone wants some ‘funny poems about niggers’, eh? Well, well, well, ‘funny poems about niggers’. My, my, my, this calls for some cogitation. As you all are aware, I was recently invited as guest speaker at the ‘Former White Sheet Baptist Church’ and I feel that I should give you a recap on that event and you can find it here,https://shelbycourtland.wordpress.com/2013/11/14/and-the-good-reverend-speaks-revival-time/. Now, when you read this, you will find that the Grand Lizard, formerly known as the Grand Wizard was left without a tongue. No need to thank me, I was just doing a public service. I am still receiving ‘thank’ you cards on that one! Hallelujah!! Apparently, Grand Lizard, since he is unable to speak and since I neglected to break all 10 of his fingers(how remiss of me), has taken to getting his ‘fix’ so to speak from the internet. In his defense, and I know that sounds funny especially when recalling what occurred, but those of Grand Lizard’s type have such small brains that they must try and compensate for this by attempting to belittle another ethnic group and continue to perpetuate their deliberately misguided belief that they are all the SHIT, when in fact, they are nothing more than actual SHIT!”
“Yes, Reverend Courtland?”
“Did you find ANYTHING funny about my poem, titled, ‘Nigger’?”
“No, Reverend Courtland, I did not and to be quite honest, I thought that it was most enlightening especially for those like Grand Lizard and please, if I may be so bold, try not to be upset with yourself for not breaking Grand Lizard’s fingers. As you know, I am not only a world renowned body builder, but also I was in the Secret Service and you did one hell of a job fucking Grand Lizard up!”
“Thank you for that Brother Thlug! You know how I hate to do anything ‘half-assed’. But I was wondering, do you think that this search engine term could have been typed in by Grand Lizard? I didn’t check to see if he made it out of the fire when all hell broke loose at the ‘Former White Sheet Baptist Church’.”
“Reverend, I have heard you say more times than I can count that, ‘the devil protects his own’. Trust me, Grand Lizard made it out and while we were talking, I did some research and found that the trail leads back to him. As you know Sister KnowItAll corresponded with him when making the arrangements for you to speak at the ‘Former White Sheet Baptist Church’ and a friend of mine works for the NSA. So, yes, I can state with a certainty that the person who used that search term was Grand Lizard.”
“Brother Thlug, thank you so much for that information. But do you think he received what he was seeking?”
“Reverend, surely you jest?!”
“Brother Thlug, whether or not he ‘saw the light’ so to speak, he got more than he bargained for, eh?”
“Indeed he did, Reverend, indeed he did!”
Thank you Reverend for your input! Let me just conclude that for those of you who are so delusional, sick and filled with hate that you think you are somehow superior to others because of your skin color, let me just remind you that “there but for the grace of God, go I!” If you can hate someone based on what they have no control over, then what do you think that says about you? Yes, I am going to call your shit out when I see it and expose the fact that snakes like you slither and hiss around the internet and deposit your poisonous venom, but you’ll get no takers here because I saw you coming. I know that you exist and when you bring it, I’ll throw your shit right back at you! Catch! Here’s your (re)
award-Freshly Pressed Bullshit Award, awarded to the Grand Lizard! Nice going! Tonight, when you don your ‘white sheet’ and sit up looking ridiculous with the rest of your ‘homies’, you can tell them that you won a prestigious award, Freshly Pressed Bullshit!
Stay tuned for the next installment of Freshly Pressed Bullshit!, the shit that’s always fresh!!!
And for all the racists out there, cogitate over this!
A Reflection On My Complexion
I was born with a permanent tan.
And if I do the best I can,
I still get called a name.
Why must I take the blame?
I had no say when I was born.
So, I don’t understand your scorn.
Why hate me for my complexion?
This could have been your reflection.
I will not let you break me down,
solely because my skin is Brown.
Even if I’m solid Black,
there’s not one human trait I lack.
Throw caution to the wind.
Reach out, you’d find a friend.
I bleed the same as you.
And smile when you do too.
We’re all just one big race.
Trying hard to find our place.
In the grander scheme of things,
strive for love and what it brings.
Shelby I. Courtland
© 2013 Shelby I. Courtland