The ‘Good’ Reverend Caught In The Act!

Reverend Give Me All You Got's Palace of Worship

“Good evening congregation!” “Can I get an AMEN?”

“AMEN, Reverend!”

“I’ve had a busy month and I must say that I am all DONE IN!” “It would be remiss of me if I did not explain what has kept me from my obligations to this here congregation.”

“Yes, Sister TalkTooMuch, what is it?”

“Reverend, with all do respect, I know what you have been doing because I saw you stomp the hell out of a young lady who was in your way at Macy’s. I never saw such ‘unchristian like’ behavior in my life and coming from a REVEREND, no less!” “I was appalled and rightly so!”

“Excuse me Sister TalkTooMuch, but you were obviously mistaken and now I will accept your apology for lying and speaking out of turn!”

“Reverend, YOU are the liar!”

“Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness! I got to sit down!”

“You were not sitting down in Macy’s. You was yanking that woman’s hair piece off her head and screaming at her. I heard you say, “get thee behind me before I kick your ass, this TV is mine!”

“How dare you stand there and accuse me of behavior unbecoming a Reverend. The good book says, “

No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.”

“I have never been accused of serving both, nor can I be! When have I ever called on the ‘lord’ to give me donations?” “When have I ever acted in a hypocritical manner?”

“Reverend, you need to step down as head of this holy sanctuary because there is not a damn thing ‘holy’ about you! I would not be surprised if you did not burst into flames as you are in league with the devil! You, you…witch!!”

“What the hell?” “Sister WrappedTooTight, get that straight jacket out of the closet and put it around Sister TalkTooMuch! We don’t want her to hurt herself!”

“Oh, no Reverend, you’re not pulling any of your tricks with me! You’re not shutting me up! This congregation should know just what kind of hypocrite you are! I’ve got proof! Now, you sit YOUR ass down!”

“What the…..?”

“Oh, I’ll show you what! You’re not the only one who can videotape the sins and shenanigans of others and blackmail them with it. I have stood by long enough and watched you turn this sanctuary into a three-ring circus. But NO MORE!”

“Brother Thlug, fill my cup ’til it overflows with my special bottle! Thank you kindly!”

“Reverend, don’t get ALL polite now that you know what’s coming!”

“Sigh….! Get on with it, Sister TalkTooMuch! Get on with it!”

“Congregation, I want you all to take a look at this video. See, that..? Right there! That’s Reverend Courtland yanking the woman’s head back!! And right there, that’s the Reverend smacking the shit out of that old woman who got in her way! She is heartless! Look at her running through the doors of Macy’s! See where she trampled that little boy and didn’t even glance back!”

“Sister TalkTooMuch, sit down, you’re making a fool of yourself. Nobody believes that that is me.” *sip* *sip* *guzzle* *guzzle* *belch*

“Congregation, have you known ANYONE else to wear 18″ black stiletto heels with a black bra and a black bolero with a skin tight black leather mini skirt with black seamed hose? Who else could it be but our not so ‘good’ Reverend here?”

“‘SisterKnowItAll’ aka Sister TalkTooMuch, as you have obviously forgotten, some people are still celebrating Halloween and many people, since I am SO popular and all, just love dressing up to show their ‘love’ for ALL things Reverend ‘Give Me All You Got’ Courtland! Now, I cannot help it if I am so beloved that people want to mimic my dress and my style. I am willing to forget this little outburst if you’ll sit the hell down and shut the hell up! You are trying my patience! Hallelujah!”

“You’re not getting off that easy, you Scarlet Woman! You Jezebel! Man stealing tramp, you harlot!”

“Brother Thlug, help Sister WrappedTooTight, wrap ‘SisterKnowItAll’ up and cart her ass out of here!”

“Yes Reverend, but do you mind if I ask a question of the congregation?”

“Not at all, Brother Thlug. Be my guest!”

“Congregation, as you all know, I am also a bodyguard to Reverend ‘Give Me All You Got’ Courtland and I would of course, know if the good Reverend here had indeed been to Macy’s. Now, as honest as Reverend Courtland is about her role in this church, do you honestly think that our beloved Reverend would sink that low as to behave in the way that is depicted on that tape you just saw?”

“Yes, Brother Pimp?”

“I just wanted to know if I could ask SisterTalkTooMuch for the telephone number of the ‘Jezebel’ she captured in ‘living color’. She’d get my business BOOOOOMING! Hot damn! That was a fine figure of a woman!! I’m getting all hot and bothered myself! Damn! What did you do that for Sister Burnathat?”

“Brother Pimp, the Reverend has instructed me on several occasions to try and put OUT fires before I start them and you seem to me to be heating up and so I threw a bucket of cold water on you. Did it help?”

“Uh…yeah..it did! Sorta like taking a cold shower! Damn!”

“Brother Pimp, we don’t have time for that, you’ll have to find your ‘business assets’ some other way. I want to see a show of hands from all who believe that that was our Reverend behaving in an ‘unchristian’ way and possibly dragging the good name of this church down in the process? Hands?”

“Not one?” “Reverend, we got your back!”

“Thank you! Thank you, one and almost all! Now I just want to start the sermon off with something that is close to my heart! I believe! I said, I believe!”

“Oh praise be, the Reverend’s got the Holy Ghost in her!”

“Shut up Sister TooHoly”! I’m not speaking of the ‘holy ghost’! I am speaking of a gold locket that has a special meaning for me because it was given to me by a homeless man. He was the dearest man. Well..actually, not quite given to me as much as it was a part of the divorce settlement. And of course, he is homeless because I took him for everything he had. But that’s neither here nor there. The reason why this locket means so much to me is because it is worth over a million dollars and that is what I want to speak on this evening. Tis a sin to crave the material things of this world. Let me repeat that! Tis a sin to crave the material things of this world! Can I get an AMEN?”

“AMEN!”

“Now, if the homeless man had not craved his house and other worldly possessions, I would have had my lawyers be more lenient on him and at least leave him with the clothes on his back, but no! He hid assets and claimed to owe back taxes just to drag things out! Now, what does the ‘good’ book say about the rich. I’ll tell you what the good book says about the rich.”

“Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.”

“This is why the man is homeless. He was not a cheerful giver. That is frowned upon by the ‘man’ upstairs. He does not like an ungrateful giver. You should be ‘grateful’ to be in a position to give. In order to be cheerful, you must give. By giving, will you ‘free’ yourself from the yoke of all things, material. Now there are some who will not part with their worldly goods. They are to be pitied! They are to have our sympathy. They have not yet seen the light! We must pray for the saving of their soul from the yoke of a burden to heavy to bear! Give from your heart and when you do, you will touch the heart of another with your gift, much like my ex-husband is still touching my heart with his ‘gift’!”

“With the holidays upon us, I want to send you on your way with a little saying that has consoled me on many a long, fun-filled and eventful cruise. “Cheerfully give from your heart, never hold back because darkness destroys the soul and good cheer envelopes everyone on the receiving end of your cheerful giving. As you head out the door, the collection plates are on either side of the door. Now ‘cheerfully’ fill them up! And I will sing a hymn!”

(sung to the tune of ‘What A Friend We Have In Jesus’)

“What a friend we have in money!”
“All the gifts that it can buy!”
“What a privilege to give it,
“please be cheerful, don’t you cry!”

“Psst! Brother Thlug!”

“Yes, Reverend…”

“Thanks for covering for me back there! That was a close call. And can you imagine Brother Pimp thinking that I would work for HIM? Geesh!! LOL!! ‘Sister KnowItAll’ almost got away with ratting me out! But we taught her!! Damn! That must have been an excellent sermon. Just look at our take! *wink* *wink*

16 thoughts on “The ‘Good’ Reverend Caught In The Act!

  1. Now, Tubularsock would never assume that he could out do “Brother Thlug’s” bodyguard prowess but you may want to consider Tubularsock’s Public Relations Firm, Ltd. for your Congregational Needs.

    As Tubularsock’s Public Relations Firm, Ltd. says: “We communicate like you mean it.”

    Many political types hire us to communicate for them.

    For example, what PR Firm came up with this for Bill?
    “I did not have sex with that women!”

    OR this for Richard Nixon?
    “I am not a crook!”

    OR Televangelist Jim Baker?
    “The more I studied the Bible, however, I had to admit that the prosperity message did not line up with the tenor of Scripture. My heart was crushed to think that I led so many people astray. I was appalled that I could have been so wrong, and I was deeply grateful that God had not struck me dead as a false prophet!”

    YES! In all three examples it was Tubularsock’s Public Relations Firm, Ltd.

    So for your Congregational Needs, Reverend Courtland, you may find yourself in need of the top PR Firm to smooth your deserved “golden path”. Amen

    Now, I ask you who could better “. . . wear 18″ black stiletto heels with a black bra and a black bolero with a skin tight black leather mini skirt with black seamed hose? . . .” than Tubularsock’s Public Relations Firm, Ltd.

    No really, it is only a head manipulation away!

    Like

    • You’re HIRED!!!! ROFLMAO!!!!! You are re-hired as the ‘court jester’ and I am hiring your ‘Public Relations Firm ’cause we got a good take from this here sermon and our membership is up! We have so many new members thanks to some damn fine sermonizing. Why, only yesterday, I received not one, but two messages from WordPress stating the stats are booming!! We, here at the ‘Church of the Holy Rollers’ have never been more popular!! Why people are finding us and coming to us from all over the world, in droves! We must be doing something right and of course, we want the best PR firm to represent us and yours would be it!!

      We’ll discuss your fee at a later date, but the corner office is at your disposal as is your own personal secretary, limo, unlimited expense account AND the kitchen sink thrown in for good measure AND I haven’t forgot, a three month paid vacation!!

      You have me roaring back with laughter! Tube, I declare if I see your next post with you sitting in church in that get-up, I will be no more good!! I tell you!!! Don’t do that to me and don’t do that to yourself as you will NEVER be taken seriously AGAIN!!! LMAO!!! NEVER!!!! Hahahahahaha!!!!! So, come ‘smooth my golden path’!!!!! Yes, indeed!!!! You da man!!!!

      Like

  2. Oh Reverend, thank god, I thought they really had you this time! Not that I doubted you, not for a second! But it did look bad there for a while, with the devil trying to stymie all your holy work! What a miracle that our good brother Thlug could refute all those outrageous lies and save the day — I mean, that woman at Macey’s sure did look and move a lot like you — and there can’t be so many who can get around in stiletto heels like you can. Clearly, the forces of evil are fiercely determined to stop your so-effective ministry!

    But not a chance, especially with that great PR firm behind you now. It’s gonna be a great xmas this year! – Linda

    How’s that hymn go again? …What a friend we havve in money — Amen to that!

    Like

    • HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! ROFLMAO!! LMAO!!!! Linda, you are TOO much!!!!! Let me pick myself up off the floor, dust myself off and respond. But how to respond, that is the question! LMAO!!

      I gotta tell ya, it seems some people are always trying to stop the ‘good’ Reverend from spreading the word! Word up! Yes, Brother Thlug saved the day! Bless his heart and Reverend Courtland, uh…put a ‘bonus’ in his Christmas stocking, indeed she did!

      Now, Linda, you know how looks can be deceiving and someone was quite obviously ‘out’ attempting to destroy the ‘good’ Reverend’s reputation by engaging in disturbing behavior in public and making sure that the ‘good’ Reverend’s stature in the church would be diminished. The ‘devil’ is ALWAYS busy! But even the ‘devil’ is no match for the ‘good’ Reverend and her gigolo, I mean, uh…her paid ‘bodyguard’ Brother Thlug. We’ve got the ‘devil’ on the run! Hallelujah!!! Get thee behind me Satan!! LOL!!

      …and with Tube’s PR firm! We’ll continue to smack the shit out of that ole devil! Although, I’ve got to deduct Tube’s PR firm pay since he was called upon to help you with that badass Little Johnny and he was derelict in coming to your rescue. So, I’m not quite sure if Tube is dependable. I may have to re-think my decision about hiring his PR firm. Just when I need him, Tube could be otherwise engaged. Can’t have that especially when as we know, the ‘devil’ is ALWAYS busy!! But you know the ‘good’ Reverend, she’ll work something out!! I am SO bad!!!

      Thanks Linda! Another great comment!

      Like

      • Reverend, I would never presume to tell you your business, er, I mean your sacred calling. But do remember, Tubularsock was not yet representing you on Thanksgiving; I’m sure he’ll be good as gold for you now, especially once he considers the … possible consequences … of doing otherwise. And in all fairness, well, I was embarrassed to ask him for help with little Johnny. It was a holiday, after all. – Linda

        Like

  3. Linda, on second thought, I find that you are indeed, right(as usual). I need all the help that I can get and since Tube’s PR firm IS the best, it would be a shame to throw his offer back in his hair twist. So, I’ve reconsidered. Tube’s firm has the job. And of course, I am sure that Tube is not upset since he’s always on about that ‘fickle finger of fate’. LOL! Just as long as he doesn’t have Kim Kartrashcan in tow, things should work out. Like I’ve already told him, I’ll not tolerate Kim Korruption. So his corner office is awaiting him whenever he is ready to assume his new responsibilities. Time waits for no one.

    Oh, and someone told me that you would be bringing Little Badass Johnny to church with you! From my understanding, his parents talked you into babysitting one more time. Now, remember, HE is going to be YOUR responsibility and if he tears my palace of worship up, I’m gonna have to tally up the bill and present it to you, then you can collect from his stupid parents. I’ve already had to hire extra bouncers for LittleTearHellUp, I just cannot imagine two bad asses in there at the same time! I’d never get through the sermon and you know my flock NEED to hear the good word!

    But the doors of my palace of worship are always open. We only require that you bring your checkbook and ALL major credit cards! LMAO!!

    Thanks Linda, you’re always on top of things!!

    Like

  4. Ok. Tubularsock has been extremely busy with his PR Firm. Besides the average PR needs of his clients he was called in by the Queen to deal with the tabloids not portraying
    the Corgis in the proper light. All was settled when Tubularsock suggested neon.

    Linda makes a good point about Tubularsock not being asked to handle Little Johnny due to her embarrassment. As it should be. You see Tubularsock doesn’t deal directly with child issues. Those types of issues are dealt with by a subsidiary of Tubularsock’s Public Relations, Ltd., Uncle Vinnie’s Concrete Shoes and Pizza Company on the South Side of Chicago.

    As Linda knows so well when she hired Vinnie via Tubularsock to handle Johnny he was called Big Johnny but after Vinnie did in Big Johnny’s knee caps with his baseball bat well there was a name change to Little Johnny. Hence, her embarrassment. For she knew that the next step for Little Johnny was a pair of Jimmie Hoffa’s concrete shoes.

    In truth Linda used the ol’ “holiday, after all” as a cover for her own guilt!

    Reverend Courtland ………. she needs forgiveness. (for a signed blank check, of course)

    Linda also makes a brilliant observation that Tubularsock was NOT YET representing YOU on Thanksgiving. If he had been things would have not gotten out of hand!

    Now it has been brought to Tubularsock’s attention that there are some “out there” that are fielding the question is “. . .Tube is dependable”? Rest assured the devil’s in the details.

    And without a word from Tubularsock he has been reinstated to his new job without a twisted hair out of place! As for the silly concept that “Time waits for no one” Tubularsock turns his clock back every other hour thus always being ahead of where he started.

    Like

    • Well hell! (Sorry Reverend, but that just shows you — I’m really not fit to be around children these days!)) How do I get myself into these things? It’s debt slavery, that’s what it is. Had no choice but to re-up for one more round of babysitting with little Damion/Johnny to defray the cost of Tube’s intimidation services! Not that I’m complaining, it was totally worth the money — these gigs just don’t pay enough.

      As for forgiveness … it’s true, I’m embarrassed to ask for that too. And don’t I need to be contrite first? I’m just sorry I couldn’t afford the concrete waders — for Johnny’s parents, who obviously have no sense of shame or civic responsibility, or they’d have … dealt with … their offspring a long time ago.

      But don’t worry, I would never desecrate your holy premises by dragging that little monster — I mean that merry little prankster — to church! I’m thinking we’ll go ice skating instead; there should be a good solid quarter-inch surface on that big lake by Sunday … Unless … possibly … just maybe? Do you ever do exorcisms? Might be worth a try.

      . Of course, then I’d owe you even more than the whopping unpaid tithes/penalties/interest already piling up. Sigh. Linda not only needs new Crocs at this point (and better body armor) but a real job too. Time to finish that correspondence course in nuclear waste abatement and remediation. I hear they have lots of openings at Fukoshima now. – Linda

      Like

      • THEY’RE NEW, THEY’RE IN, THEY’RE NOW!

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        YES, THAT IS CORRECT ………. ICE SKATING CROCS!!!

        THESE CROCS ARE DESIGNED TO SKATE ON 1/4” ICE
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        BUY THEM NOW ………
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        AND TODAYS SPECIAL: CHILDREN WEIGHTED ICE SKATES.

        THEY ARE SINKING OFF THE SHELVES ……. BUY SOME TODAY!

        Like

    • Tube! The ‘good’ Reverend begs your apology. The Reverend knows when she is in the wrong and is most graciously apologetic. How could I have been in doubt for a nanosecond that you would not represent ‘the Church of the Holy Rollers’ to the best of your firm’s ability. I mean, your firm is not on the Forbes list of top corporations for nothing. Hell! If I recall correctly, your likeness has been on the cover of GQ, ‘Who’s Who’? ‘Top Snoop’! ‘Bang For The Buck’! ‘Uptown Sleuth, Downtown Prices’! ‘You Hide, I Peek’! ‘Caught With Your Pants Down’! ‘I Know What You Do Every Day’! Uh..have I forgotten any?

      LMAO!!! ‘Uncle Vinnie’s Concrete Shoes…..!!! AGAIN! How could I have ever doubted you? If you will accept my job offer, I would be willing to triple whatever is your usual going rate! You know ‘The Church of the Holy Rollers’ is good for it! We got it goin’ on!!! I was quite surprised(not really, I just pretended to be)when given to me by my massage therapist, Edward SoothingHands, was a magazine with a full length spread, featuring me and titled, “The World’s Greatest Flock Fleece!” This is an excerpt from the article:

      Reverend ‘Give Me All You Got’ Courtland is a leader in the field of fleecing the flock. In the history of flock fleecing, she is unparalleled. When it comes to amassing riches from the sheep, there is none to outshine her. No televangelist even comes close. Her net worth is incalculable. The editor of this esteemed magazine is now an attendee at her palace of worship and sings her praise every day. In fact, her likeness is displayed in the entryway of this very building. Reverend Courtland has gone far and her star is rising. Her sermons are pricey but well worth the parting of the ways with your money. Go and hear the word as only the ‘good’ Reverend can preach it!

      Oh, and Tube, thank you for reminding Linda that in order to receive ‘forgiveness’, a blank check would go far in enabling her to ‘receive’ it! Otherwise, she’s out in the ‘cold’ LOL!

      So, Tube, I implore you to overlook my impetuous nature and reconsider coming aboard by offering your outstanding firm’s services! I look forward to collaborating with you as we have much in common as I too, have used Vinnie’s Concrete Shoes and Pizza Company on the South Side of Chicago! LMAO!!!

      You are incredibly witty, my good man!!!!! I love it!!!!

      Like

  5. ah Tubularsock — no wonder your Emporium is the only place to shop, you always have such inspired, innovative products for sale! … Now I most urgently need some of those new Crocs. And you know, since ’tis the season for giving (and forgiving) I should really get something special for little Johnny too. He’s not ** THAT ** bad, his mama keeps promising me. He’s just high-spirited. (She’s delusional, but that’s beside the point.)

    I’ll be right in, as soon as Master Card comes through with that increased credit line they’ve been pushing all year. Money’s no object — how can I put a price on my, er I mean little Johnny’s, happiness? We all love surprises, don’t we …

    Oh tidings of comfort and joy … Thank you sir, and best wishes on your spectacular new PR job! – Linda

    Like

    • Well, Linda…it would seem that Tube has taken care of your little babysitting badass and at a reduced rate, I might add. As you can see, being all ‘in the know’ has it’s perks and quite obviously, Tube has no problem solving ANY problem. The man is incredibly invaluable. I consider him to be quite an asset to have in your corner and he’s not unreasonable. I wouldn’t care to get on his ‘bad side’. I do imagine that he would have one, since most people do. However, I am sure that one can overlook that when taking into consideration his other sterling qualities.

      Now, onto other more important matters. I am so glad that it was YOU who brought up the ‘unpaid tithes/penalties/interest. Uh..since this is a delicate matter, I will let Tube take care of it since I am, shall we say, in the spotlight after that performance by SisterTalkTooMuch aka SisterKnowItAll. I must keep a low profile for now. Otherwise, I would be contacting Vinnie’s Concrete Shoes, myself and his ’employees’ would have paid you a little visit by now relative to the unpaid tithes/penalties/interest accruing. Remember Tube’s suggestion to the poor Wal-Mart employees who were having difficulties paying for their holiday meal? He suggested pan-handling, taking a second job, putting their kids to work, that sort of thing. Not too much to ask, I don’t suppose. No need to be insulted, we ALL must tighten our belts in these tough times. AMEN!!

      Oh my! I quite wasted time in going over with you the fact of your non-payment as I failed to realize that you had acquired a new position, that of ‘nuclear waste abatement and remediation’? Quite so! Well…in that case, your membership status is no longer hanging in the balance. We will be happy to welcome you back(without Little Johnny)to the ‘Church of the Holy Rollers’, however, there will be a special designated section for those who may be radioactive and therefore, pose a threat of danger to the other members. In other words, you will be ‘segregated’. But never fear, you will hear, word for word, my most intense sermonizing and a special account will be set up for you to deposit YOUR tithes at the bank. No need to bother those of us who will be in the main sanctuary hall. And remember, ALL are welcome at our lovely palace!!!!

      We look forward to our dear Sister Linda at the next fellowship of the ‘Church of the Holy Rollers’! LOL!!!

      Like

      • Oh Reverend Courtland, you are too gracious and compassionate! I know how unworthy I am of your forgiveness and consideration, especially with the radiation concerns and all. But … I don’t quite know how to say this … my plans have changed. Hallelujah!

        And Reverend, you won’t believe this — it’s a miracle! Or … maybe you will

        Today I was out shoveling snow, and checking our little lake, um, to make sure it looks safe enough for precious little Johnny — he’s so excited about our Sunday skating plans. Still marginal, but firming up by the minute. We should be okay.

        As I headed toward the house, this huge crow swooped out of a tree, flapping and cawing like I was after his favorite bit of carrion. I jumped back, ducked my head, and swore. Once the bird flew on, I opened my eyes, eager to hurry home. But then I nearly tripped over a big bag at the edge of the path. I’m not always really observant, but anyone would notice a black trash bag surrounded by snow. And Reverend, believe me, it was absolutely not there a few seconds earlier!

        Weird enough. In any cheap horror movie, the scary music would be pulsing loudly by this point. And of course I/the senseless protagonist would open the damn bag — thus releasing some repulsive monstrosity ready and willing to devastate the planet … kind of like Dick Chaney. Yet in a way, what really happened was even more of a shock.

        I did open the bag — couldn’t help it somehow — and nearly fell over. It was stuffed full of … money!$!$! Thirty gallons of nice clean, genuine hundred dollar bills! I’ve just finished counting it, and it’s … well, it’s a lot. More than enough to catch up on my debts of honor and holiness, penalties, interest and the whole nine yards. Enough to let me ditch the Fukoshima job, and the nightmare babysitting chores too. Enough for diamond-studded Crocs if I want them. But best of all, there’s enough to earn your forgiveness! At least I hope so.

        Like I said, a miracle. The whole thing reminds me of that deal in the bible where some raven flies in every day with food for … the prophet Elijah? Or was it Elisha? Whatever.

        Well of course, this was no raven, and obviously I’m no prophet. But I’ll take this boon, and be grateful. And I know I owe it all to you somehow. Well, nearly all. You might want to have a bigger collection plate ready for Sunday — I’ll be there, with no brats, and no need for an isolation booth. – Linda

        Like

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