The Reverend Makes It Official!

Reverend Give Me All You Got's Palace of Worship

“Good morning congregation!”

“Good morning, Reverend Courtland!”

“I love enthusiasm, yes I do, because that means that when the collection plates are passed around, I know that you will give enthusiastically. Now, we’ve got a lot to cover this morning, but I will try to keep it short because there are just three days until Christmas and I’ve got much to speak about on THAT subject. But first, I want to take this opportunity to inform you that we have some visitors this morning. If you will look over toward your right, you will notice that Brother MoreBounceToTheOunce and Brother PounceAndBounce are having a time keeping LittleTearHellUp from tearing up this here holy sanctuary. We’ve got not one, but TWO hellions in here this morning. As you can see, if you look to your left, Brother Mafio and Brother Vinnie from Vinnie’s Cement Shoes and Pizza Shop on the South Side of Chicago is here to help us out with Little Badass Johnny. Give a shout out to Brother Vinnie!”

“Brother Vinnie, how’s it hanging?”

“Sister Schlut, that will be enough of THAT! Congregation, just bid Brother Vinnie, a hearty welcome!”

“Welcome, Brother Vinnie!”

“Ah, now that’s better! There are some special guests who are here with us today for this special occasion and I will at this time, take a few minutes to recognize them. We are privileged to have Sister LindaComedyAct here and trust me, with her busy comedy schedule, it took some doing to get Sister LindaComedyAct to be here as she was scheduled to appear on Comedy Dive and she also has her own club, Askme Comedy Club which is located across from her Uncle Vinnie’s Cement Shoes and Pizza Shop located on the South Side of Chicago. Give a warm welcome to Sister LindaComedyAct! AMEN!”

“Welcome, Sister LindaComedyAct!”

“I would also like to introduce to you, my favorite and ONLY PR man, Brother TubulashockPope! Wait a minute! Hold the hell up! Yes, I know we’re non-denominational, but we welcome all faiths and Brother TubularshockPope has had nothing to do with that….uh..mess with the catholic church. Brother TubularshockPope is the new Pope on campus..I mean…at the Vatican! Now, give him a damn hearty ass welcome!”

“Welcome, TubularshockPope!”

“Last but not least, we have another special guest here today and he is here at my personal behest. Give a warm welcome to Brother DavidCopAFeel!”

“Welcome, Brother DavidCopAFeel!”

“Brother DavidCopAFeel is THE best magician in the field of magic and he is here to perform a disappearing act and as much as I am paying him, he’d damn well better make that little badass disappear. Amen! Now, then I am going to ask Brother DavidCopAFeel to head on over to where Little Badass Johnny is being held down by Brother Mafio and Brother Vinnie. Now proceed with the disappearing act, Brother DavidCopAFeel!”

“Thank you Reverend Courtland for inviting me to this wonderful palace of yours of which I’ve heard so much about. It is an honor and a privilege to conduct magic in this beautiful sanctuary you have here!”

“Brother CopAFeel, get on with it!”

“Certainly, Reverend! Release Little Badass Johnny, please!”

“Hell no! Make him disappear before you release that…OUCH! Goddamn it to hell, the little bastard bit me. Get my personal physician on the damn phone, NOW! Where the hell did he go? Get my holy water!”

“Reverend, he’s got Sister LindaComedyAct and he’s dragging her down toward the basement!”

“Follow them Brother Mafio and Brother Vinnie! Don’t let that little bastard out of your sight! We’ve got to save Sister LindaComedyAct and where is Brother TubularshockPope?”

“He is over here on the floor, Reverend! That little badass Johnny knocked him out before he grabbed Sister LindaComedyAct. He’s out cold! What do we do!”

“Throw some damn holy water on him, fool!”

“Reverend Courtland, he’s starting to smoke!”

“Sister Burnathat, he cannot be smoking a cigarette if he’s out cold! What the hell is wrong with you?”

“But Reverend, he’s not smoking a cigarette, HE is smoking!”

“Oh damn, he must have been infected by the Catholic Church! Quick, get the fire extinguisher! Spray him with that!”

“Help! Help! Reverend Courtland, help!”

“Damn! That’s Sister LindaComedyAct! Brother DavidCopAFeel, get your ass over here! Now, let’s go find our good Sister LindaComedyAct! Sister Linda, we’re coming! Kick him in the balls! I said, in the balls, if you can!”

“ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

“She did it! That was that little badass Johnny! Brother CopAFeel, there he is, make his little badass disappear!”

“Everybody, stand back! Hocus Pocus, toads and deer, Little Johnny disappear!”

“He’s gone! It worked! Sister Linda, are you okay?”

“Yes, Reverend Courtland, but this is the first and the absolute last time that I will be attending this…this…absurdity of a palace of worship. This is the devil’s own stomping ground. I thought that YOU was supposed to be babysitting little badass Johnny. But I’m the one who gets dragged by the hair through the church making me lose MY religion! I told you to BAPTIZE the little convict!”

“Sister Linda, if you stay, I promise you that the sermon will more than make up for the swelling of your lip, the closed right eye and that nasty bruise on your left leg, not to mention the purpling of your ear and the hair that’s missing from the left side of your head.”

“Oh my….! How am I ever going to do my comedy routine tomorrow night looking like this! Reverend, you’re gonna pay for this…this…insanity! Where is TubularshockPope? We came here together?”

“Uh…well..there’s been another accident!”

“Oh for the love of….what now?”

“Before little badass Johnny got to you, he got to Brother TubularshockPope and he must’ve decked him one good ‘cause Brother Pope is out like a light and he was smoking!”

“Smoking?! How could he smoke if he’s out?!”

“I told Sister Burnathat to throw some holy water on him and he just started to smoke, I mean his body started smoking and so we had to extinguish him with the fire extinguisher! We can’t have him burning down the holy damn palace here, now can we?”

“Let me see TubularshockPope! Where is he?”

“Calm down Sister Linda! Sister Schlut is taking care of him and he’s in good hands with her!”

“Oh, hmm, YES Oh Yes!! AHHHHH! OHHHHHH!”

“What the hell are YOU doing Sister Schlut!”

“Oh Reverend, I was just massaging myself on Brother TubularshockPope’s hat. It’s shaped like a penis, so I thought, what the hell!”

“Reverend Courtland, how could you? You left someone with the name Sister Schlut alone with TubularshockPope and you didn’t have a clue as to what would happen when you left that slut alone with a Pope with a penis hat?”

“Well, so much was happening at once Sister Linda! We had to go after you and see to it that you were okay! Linda, Johnny was a badass as you know only too well. Look at your poor face!”

“Shut up! TubularshockPope is coming around! TubularshockPope, how are you? Do you know who I am?”

“Huh? What? Where am I? Is this the Vatican?”

“No dear TubularshockPope, you’re at Reverend Courtland’s Church of the (un)holy Rollers and you’ve been beaten senseless, apparently!”

“Oh my god! Linda?! Is that you underneath all of those bruises and swellings? I recognize you by your voice, but what happened to YOU?!”

“It’s a long story TubularshockPope and I am going to get you out of here and we are going to sue this entire palace of unholy heathens and we are going to take Reverend Courtland for all that she’s worth. Reverend Courtland, we’re putting you on notice. Start packing your stacks of ill-gotten gains as our lawyers will be in touch. Come on dear Tubularshock, let’s go! We’re getting the hell out of here before something else happens!”

“No one is going anywhere!”

“Brother Thlug! Why are you barring the door and who are these…these brutes?”

“Reverend Courtland, you and I are engaged and yet I find out that you have been having an affair with this Vinnie son of a bitch. You brought him here? Did I not protect you when Sister TalkTooMuch aka Sister KnowItAll recorded you on Black Friday? Hmmm? Speechless? You, Reverend, speechless?”

“Uh…Brother Thlug. Me and Vinnie, it was just…just business! There was never anything personal going on. You know, it’s only been you, my sweet. Always only you!”

“Save it! I have recordings. Shall I show them now?”

“Wait a minute, Brother Thlug! Maybe we can work something out!”

“Oh, we’ll work something out! Believe me! WE will work something out because you see, I’m not giving you up! You are mine and mine alone and you are going to recognize that. Now, tell this congregation that you are stepping down as the reverend here because you are getting another full-time job, that of becoming MY wife!”

“Brother Thlug! Oh my darling! I have dreamed about this day for so long. That is why I flirted with Vinnie, so that I could stir you into jealousy because I thought that you no longer cared for me because of the age difference. I am five years older than you!”

“My dear, sweet Reverend Courtland, oh fuck that! My darling Shelby, I have loved you for so damn long. I have watched you stand when others would have crumbled. I listened to your sermons and smiled to myself because as rotten as you are, you let everyone know it. No one is in any doubt that you are the devil’s own and I would not have you any other way. Every woman pales in comparison to you, my sweet! I take all of your bad ass ways, your materialistic, selfishness and I just love the fire in your eyes, my little devil! Shelby, my dear love, in front of all of these people, I am on bended knee begging you to become my wife! What do you say?”

“I will marry you, Brother Thlug! I would marry you today, if I could!”

“Uh..humm!”

“Yes, TubularshockPope?”

“I AM the Pope and therefore, I can perform the marriage ceremony and redeem the catholic church by making, official, what you two have been doing in the ways of fornicating. We at the Vatican are attempting to reclaim our once so good name and this would be a great start. Brother Thlug, do you have the rings?”

“Yes, TubularshockPope, I do! I bought them for just in case, dear Reverend…I mean..my dear Shelby said ‘yes’!”

“Wait a minute! Shelby, can I be your flower girl? I’ve got my pink crocs on and you’ve got so many beautiful flowers here. Why waste them? We can go below and get you prepared!”

“Oh Sister Linda, can you ever forgive me?”

“Of course dear Reverend! It has been my lifelong dream to be a flower girl and because of you, that dream is being fulfilled. Do not worry about that silliness earlier. A little make-up here and a little cover-up there and I should look fine for my comedy performance tomorrow night! Let’s go!”

“Brother Thlug, the next time I see you, I will be making my entrance to become your lawfully wedded wife! I love you and thank you dear TubularshockPope for coming to the rescue and I hope that you can forgive me for what’s happened to YOU today!”

“Think nothing of it Dear Reverend, my bill will be sent to you, never fear!”
—————————————————————————–
“Oh, look! Here they come!”

“My name is Crying Billiams, PBC news, reporting on the nuptials of the infamous Reverend Give Me All You Got Courtland!
LindaComedyAct is walking down the aisle, smiling and holding a beautiful spray of flowers. A makeup artist was called in and she looks just like a homeless vagrant, but a smiling one, nevertheless.
Here comes the beautiful, unholy terror, the soon-to-be former Reverend Courtland, dressed in a long white off-the shoulder gown, tan skin glowing, black hair, swept up into a chignon and still wearing her 18” ‘white’ stiletto heels(in honor of the occasion)smiling and showing those pearly white teeth that she is so famous for!”

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the joining of two young people who have long lived in sin and enjoyed every minute of it and would have continued but for the shenanigans of the Reverend here is…..!”

“TubularshockPope, get on with it or you’ll wish you had!”

“Of course, is there ANYONE in here who has reason to believe that these two should not be joined in holy matrimony? If you do, speak now or forever hold your peace!”

“I know of several reasons! The Reverend is still married to ME, for one!”

“Mack Daniels? What…what are YOU doing here?”

“Funny, you should ask since you thought I was dead seeing as how you arranged a little accident that almost, but not quite, did me in!”

“What is the meaning of this?”

“Brother Thlug, I’ve heard about you. It would seem that I am saving your hide, my good man! You should be thanking me!”

“Shelby..uh..Reverend Courtland, is this true? Is this man your husband?”

“Absolutely not! He is an imposter! My husband was killed in a freak accident on the slopes of Kilimanjaro! He was about to best Devil’s Leap when there was a gunshot and off he went and an avalanche occurred which buried him and I was told that he had not one hope of a chance of surviving that. This garbage could not possibly be my ex!”

“My sweet! That’s where you’re wrong! I did survive it and I can prove that it was YOU who caused the avalanche!”

“Mack Daniels? Daniels?”

“Vinnie?!”

“Gotta go!”

“You owe me and this time I intend to collect!”

“Vinnie, I owe you one!”

“Think nothing of it Shelby, honey! This time, I’ll make it stick!”

“Uh..hum! Is there ANYONE else who objects…”

“TubularshockPope, get on with the rings and the damn kiss, thank you so damn much!”

“Oh, yes! Quite! Brother Thlug? The rings, please? Now then, repeat after me, ‘with this ring I thee wed’! I now pronounce you husband and demon…uh..I mean..husband and wife! You may kiss Frankenstein’s bride..uh..I mean your beautiful bride!”

“This is Crying Billiams of PBC news wrapping up coverage of the wedding of the century, complete with gangsters, the mafia, hit men, the devil and all things unholy in a holy sanctuary! This religion mess is for the damn hypocrites for sure! *sob* *sob*

“Oh, isn’t she beautiful Sister NeverGotMarried?”

“Yes, she is indeed, Sister HardUp!” *sniff**sniff*

“I want to thank you all for your kindness and for all the love that has been shown me over the years as the Reverend of this here holy sanctuary, but I have a new calling now, that of wife to my dear husband here and I’ve got a feeling that all MY time is going to be accounted for. I hereby relinquish my responsibilities to this church to Sister TooHoly! Give it a go Sister, you’re in the know! Bye all!”

“Bye Reverend and many blessings and have many babies!”

“Shut your mouth, Sister Too Holy! Can you just imagine what our dear former Reverend would bring forth! It’s unthinkable!”

“I guess you’re right, Brother FuckedUpByHisBadAssKids!”

“TubularshockPope, that was a beautiful ceremony. Let’s say we go down into the basement and toast the good Reverend! I saw a stash down there that you just wouldn’t believe!”

“Let’s go Sister Linda! It’s about time I had some good stuff to ‘wet my whistle’. That mess at the Vatican, you have no idea!”

“Will we see our dear Reverend again?”

“Sister Linda, rest assured, you ain’t seen the last of that vixen! Look lively! There’s a good girl! My, but you do need some more make-up! Geesh! Make mine a strong one, just looking at you takes strength and endurance! They tore unholy hell out of you!”

5 thoughts on “The Reverend Makes It Official!

  1. Congratulations to our beloved former Reverend and dear Brother Thlug — may you be as happy as humanly possible! What an unexpected and eventful day! Thank you so much for letting me be part of your touching and so unique wedding (Lucky I had the pink crocs handy, eh?)

    As for losing my faith … well, once the plastic surgery is over, I’ll see how the cosmos looks to me then. I’ll live, in any case.

    Again, cheers to the happy couple! – Linda

    Like

    • Linda, bless your heart! As soon as I get back from my ‘honeymoon’, I will look you up at your comedy club and see how your face and hair is progressing! My, things were at sixes and sevens weren’t they? Nothing the former ‘good’ Reverend does is ever without issues, problems, chaos, pandemonium and bedlam. But the good news is that that badass Little Johnny is no longer a problem and of course, I will pay all of your medical expenses related to your plastic surgery! And again, Dear Sister LindaComedyAct, I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive the ‘good’ Reverend for all her many shortcomings and failings. She means ‘good’, I’m sure! LMAO!!!

      You rest yourself, dear Linda! You’ve been through quite a lot!!!

      Like

      • No problemo, Shelby. And there’s nothing to forgive — the good Reverend just doesn’t do anything by halves, that’s all. One thing for sure, no one slept through church today!

        Happy honeymoon, and happy new year. – Linda

        Like

  2. Tubularsock Public Relations, Ltd
    “We make it sound like you mean it.”

    Press release …. FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

    Today the infamous Reverend Give Me All You Got Courtland (aka: Grab-All-The-Cash Courtland) turned a new page in her chapter of life and thrust aside her ill-gotten devil inspired ways and gave her hand in matrimony to Brother Thlug who placed a huge double diamond ring upon her finger as she said “I do”.

    Surround by an entourage of business entrepreneurs, religious icons, political mover’s and shakers and top entertainers from film and stage including the overly famous LindaComedyAct who recently did a live performance at the Vatican all gathered to witness this glorious event.

    All marveled that the ceremony went off without a single incident.

    Sister Schlut, a member of the former Reverend’s congregation stated, “Oh! Yes! I road it until coming to a blissful climax and wanted even more. It was a wonderful religious experience which I will cherish the rest of my life.”

    Wearing only white 18” stiletto heels with her tan skin glowing and black hair all eyes turned as the bride walked up the aisle proceeded by her flower-girl, LindaComedyAct wearing only her signature PINK Crocs tossing flower peddles as she proceeded.

    TubePope who had flown to the “Courtland Palace” in his private Popelearjet was dressed in full religious regalia and was overheard saying to Sister Schlut that “. . . these pope robes are large enough for two full grown consenting adults.”

    Which at this point many said that Sister Schlut disappeared. Many swore that it was a miracle.

    Later questions were asked of TubePope about miracles and he simply said that they happen often for him. Many kneeled and appeared awe-struck.

    Brother Thlug seemed to be fondling his “gun” as the bride and flower girl proceeded up the aisle and TubePope gently reminded him with, “not quite yet, brother”.

    The vows were exchanged without incident and a full robed TubePope seemed extremely satisfied for a religious man.

    The ceremony completed TubePope and LindaComedyAct were seen descending the basement stairs and TubePope was asked by Crying Billiams, PBC news, why he was going to the basement and TubePope replied, “I miss the Catacombs”.

    “A truly religious saint of a man” Crying Billiams was heard to say as tears of joy rolled down his face.

    Like

    • ROFLMAO!!! Yes indeed! Tube, the PR man is on the J-O-B!! If you didn’t cover that shit up nicely, my name ain’t Shelby Thlug! FEDEX will most definitely be delivering the check for services rendered to you ASAP! None of this could have happened if it weren’t for both Dear TubePope and Dear LindaComedyAct! I just cannot believe that on the very day you two appear at my former palace, along with little badass Johnny, such wonderful ‘events’ took place and with no hint of a scandal thanks to the great PR work by TubePope’s PR firm! So glad that I hired you and paid my overdue bill so that you could continue to represent me! No one would guess in a million years what actually went down, not from reading YOUR press release! And to think that you even managed to make poor Crying Billiams of PBC news, sob!

      I am glad that you and Sister Schlut hit it off so well! LOL!! You just shouldn’t be so irresistible, you just recently up from the Vatican and all! I think Sister Schlut will be on the lookout for you! Dear Sister LindaComedyAct bent over backwards to make sure that you were okay after finding out that that badass little Johnny conked you! She had your back!!! I declare this has been so much damn fun! It really has! LMAO!!

      And I wish to thank both Linda and Tubularsock for being such good sports! Again, you two are THE best!!! Much love!!!!

      Like

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