I Never Got To Start!


Crushed by a burden too heavy to bear,
broken by a fall down the poverty stair.

Wearied by the struggle to stay alive,
hanging by a gossamer thread to survive.

Weakened by the strain on a weary heart,
I am finished and yet I never got to start.

Written by,
Shelby I. Courtland
©2013 Shelby I. Courtland

This poem was inspired by http://deconstructingmyths.com/2013/12/26/the-unbearable-heaviness-of-being/ Jeff Nguyen

Thank you Jeff for the heartfelt work that you do and for inspiring me in more ways than I can count!

17 thoughts on “I Never Got To Start!

  1. “For God doth not afflict willingly nor grieve the children of men.”

    Well, then just who is afflicting the people that I write about; children who are homeless and hungry, the children who have died for lack of medical attention. Surely, they are the innocents and the very ones who should be ‘protected’ from being ‘afflicted’ by YOUR God. If Jesus fed the masses, loaves and fishes, why then are there starving people who through no fault of their own, cannot produce loaves and fishes to feed their hungry children? Why is it that hungry people have felt compelled to commit a crime, the crime of stealing a loaf of bread because they ached when hearing the rumblings of their child’s empty stomach or sat and watched a child die because the parents were too poor to afford health insurance.

    Quote the verses from whatever Bible you choose, but it will not house a homeless man, those verses will not comfort and give nourishment to a body that is starving for FOOD, not words. Those verses will not HEAL a sick body that needs a doctor and medical procedures. Verses are useless when the homeless are told that there is no more room at the ‘warehouse’ aka shelter due to fire hazards and must then remain in below freezing temperatures, dying from hypothermia. You don’t read the news? Because there have been many cases of hypothermia related deaths among the homeless, just this year alone. Would that a bible verse could have saved them, but useless words do nothing to warm a body on a cold and homeless night.

    The ‘children of men ARE afflicted and they grieve. I see plenty of it and by sitting down spouting some bible verses, I’d get not a damn thing done. People cannot live in a ‘verse’. People cannot eat a ‘verse’. People cannot get healed by a ‘verse’, regardless of what your televangelists state to the contrary. A ‘verse’ does not warm the body of a homeless person.

    “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

    Peace? A future? Hope? Are you kidding me? You see evidence of that? Just because we see the flowers in Spring and just because a baby is born, if that baby is born in the ‘wrong’ place, what peace can they ever know if they are born with a target on their chest, hated because of the color of their skin, have no hope of making it out of a hellish inner city, drug infested, third rate education system that is set up to set them up for a life behind bars? What good is it for them to believe that flowers grow somewhere where they’ll never see them, nor will it help their plight? Evil reigns with impunity! There have even been holy wars started by guess who? The ‘christians’. Who fucked the Indians up? The ‘christians’. Who fucked up the Aborigines of Australia? The ‘christians’. You can read up on that here:https://shelbycourtland.wordpress.com/2013/03/20/suffering-around-the-worldthe-plight-of-the-indigenous-peoples/

    It ‘pains’ me to even read my own post!

    “Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour.”

    Go and tell that to the dead in Iraq who were murdered by this ‘christian’ nation. Tell that to the dead in the wedding party who were drone struck by this ‘christian’ nation.http://thelede.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/12/19/the-aftermath-of-drone-strikes-on-a-wedding-convoy-in-yemen/?_r=0 Tell that to the so-called casualties of war who are dead because evil reigns with impunity from a ‘christian’ nation.

    “United States targeted airstrikes against alleged terrorists in Yemen have killed civilians in violation of international law. The strikes, often using armed drones, are creating a public backlash that undermines US efforts against Al-Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula (AQAP).”

    “flames will not consume you” The ‘flames’ of poverty, hunger, homelessness’ lack of medical care ARE consuming millions. They didn’t have to die before first going to the ‘christian’s’ version of hell, they’re already there!

    So, the ‘christian’s’ god first puts his children through misery before taking them out of it and putting them into who knows what? Heaven? Hell? Eternal damnation? Has anybody you know ever been to heaven? Because I know many who are already in hell and again, they didn’t have to die to go there!

    Thank you for your comment.


  2. “did you know that Christians started the first Hospitals and the first Schools”

    Oh, are you speaking of the ‘christians’ who first gave the Indians smallpox blankets, then took their children away from them to be indoctrinated(educated) into the ‘christian’ way of life since the Indians were the ones who were thought to be the ‘savages’. I know perfectly well who the real ‘savages’ are and were and they certainly are not, nor were they ever, the Indians of this country, nor the Aborigines of yours. So, the ‘christians’ mantra is “first you must destroy and what is left you must heal and indoctrinate into our ways as we know best. We will fuck you up and then we will save you with our benevolence.” Isn’t that how it works? “Believe in the ‘christian’ faith, have faith oh ye of little faith, for your reward awaits you in heaven which I have seen with my own eyes. Do not despair for I am with you, I walk in homelessness with you. I will clothe ye though ye may not feel the warmth. I will feed ye, though ye feel hunger. I feel your pain.”

    Can you not tell by the above paragraph that I am ‘feeling’ you, make no mistake. I have seen the light, yes indeed. You have put me in my place for what have I done to relieve the suffering of anyone? For I must forever PROVE myself to the ‘christians’ of what I have done for others because my proof must be shown in glaring lights that point to what I have done so that I can then be held aloft for all the world to see that this is what I have done to mitigate the suffering of ALL mankind. I have never made a claim that I was ‘jesus’ nor have I ever made a claim of what I have done or will do. Nor must I prove myself to you or your god.

    According to the ‘good book’, the devil was to rule in hell, not on earth. So, by the ‘christian’s’ own teachings, we are in hell if that is where the devil rules. Either the devil reigns in hell or he reigns on earth. Which is it? Or is hell and earth, both one and the same? Many would argue that it is. You never heard the saying, “hell on earth?” Well…it is for billions of people.

    Why would a ‘god’ who created everything, then turn around and create Satan and allow evil to rule it with impunity? What sense does that make? If jesus died to save us, why are we suffering? Show me the proof of your heaven and I will believe. Because you see, I have always felt that I should believe only half of what I see and none of what I hear. If you say that I cannot prove that your god does not exist, then I say to that, prove to me that your god does exist. Birth and death prove nothing. Just as empty promises of a gated paradise prove nothing. You mean some get to leave a gated community here only to get into another one once they have been declared, ‘dead’? What about those who are never allowed into ‘gated’ communities right here? Are they to receive the same treatment upon attempting to enter into the ‘christian’s’ gated community of heaven?

    “Satan controls this world Shelby and those who reject God are at his mercy and he has none…”

    Why does Satan control the world? Who controls Satan? I thought your ‘god’ controlled ALL things. You mean to say that your ‘god’ cannot control Satan? Why not? Is Satan more powerful than Satan’s creator? I’ll get back to you on that because I hear ‘crickets’ chirping.

    “Heaven is a place of Joy and all Children until they can understand right from wrong go to be with The Lord and they have no memory of the pain they have suffered on earth but the rest of mankind will be without excuse because we see God in all His creation. He is Love and can do no evil”

    So, you’ve seen this ‘heaven’ of which you write? You’ve seen the joy as expressed by the children who are in heaven, joyfully playing, unmindful of the suffering they endured before being granted entrance through the pearly gates and into heaven’s delights?

    Hmmmm…..”He is Love and can do no evil,” you mean after he creates ‘evil’ he can do no evil? Seriously, who created Satan? And is Satan not evil, according to the ‘christians’? If the ‘creator’ created evil, the creator is evil and knows a hell of a lot about evil, I would say.

    You see, I do my own thinking. I don’t let others do my thinking for me. I question, everything and I do mean, everything. If it doesn’t make sense, I’m not buying it. And nothing that you have written thus far makes a hill ‘o beans worth of sense, au contraire!

    But hey! If it makes things a little bit better for you to bear, then by all means, believe in the tooth fairy, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and leprechauns. Believe in whatever will get you through another day. That’s really what it’s all about isn’t? Some people just cannot fathom that this is it. There is no glorious ‘afterlife’. Have you not wondered why greed is so prevalent? It is because people who question, know that this is it and so they live it up, if they have the means!

    Why must the ‘christians’ insist upon butting their depraved noses in politics? Why must they demand that they receive tax exempt status? Why must the Salvation Army demand that of those whom they ‘help’, that they must first listen to the ‘christian’ word(sermon) as preached from the ‘christian bible regardless of what their ‘faith’ may be?

    My eyes are not closed, nor do I view this world through rose-colored glasses and I see the ‘christians’ for what they are, hypocrites and heathens who hide behind some ‘god’ in order to scare people into accepting their ways and filling their coffers. Christians NEVER do anything unless there is something in it for them. If there is a dollar to be made, a ‘christian’ will jump on it, regardless of whether it is to be used to build a weapon of mass destruction, or to build a hospital or a school. Something is in it for them. A more greedy, grasping pot of filth, I’ll never come across.

    Thank you for your comment, but you’ll get no convert here!


  3. I am sure that you have suffered. Not many people escape suffering. I am not here to ‘judge’ you. I will leave that up to the ‘god’ that you believe in to judge you. I will not take this opportunity to post about what I have suffered as I will not allow this to become a “let’s see who has suffered the most,” match.

    “God is not the Author of sickness and death they come from Satan, who controls this world”

    …and your ‘god’ is the ‘Author’ of Satan(according to scripture of the ‘christian’s’), so why isn’t ‘god’ controlling the world and not that which ‘god’ hath created, Satan?


  4. If their religion helps people cope with life, and motivates them to do what they can to help others, that’s fine. But too many of the christians I know won’t leave it at that. We must agree with them, or to hell with all of us.

    ” … this world will end in this generation as prophesied … ”

    And if it doesn’t, will they shut the fuck up about it? Not a chance. They haven’t yet, not in some 2000 years. “Generation” must be an infinitely flexible term

    Shelby, I admire your passion, patience and energy. But trolls can and will suck the life right out of you if you let them, you know that. If I’ve misjudged the earlier comments, I apologize. But if it smells like dogma, or dog shit, it usually is. – Linda


    • “And if it doesn’t, will they shut the fuck up about it? Not a chance. They haven’t yet, not in some 2000 years. “Generation” must be an infinitely flexible term”

      Hear! Hear! Hell no, they won’t shut the fuck up! When have you ever known a ‘christian’ to EVER shut the fuck up?

      Linda, the ONLY reason, I said, the ONLY reason that I was long-winded in responding to this shit is for the simple fact that you KNOW that it gives me immense pleasure to sling shit right back at the ‘christians’ because they are so damn good at slinging shit.

      Since before the beginning of their bullshit holiday that they stomp, trample and fight, displaying their ‘christianity’ over, I have been calling out their bullshit and it just makes me tingle all over to not have to stop with the ‘over-and-out’ of christmas.

      I have never been on this person’s blog and I never will go onto this person’s blog. This mess crawled over here from my ‘liking’ a post on someone else’s blog.

      Now, all who stop by here should know by now that I’ll tolerate NO bullshit! They can wrap it up, put a bow on it, tie it nice and tight and it still smells like bullshit!

      You say that you smell shit, then you smell shit. Always go with your gut feeling on these things. Trust me on this one, I got much joy over posting what I did. Christians need to know that this is not a ‘christian convert friendly zone’, not a bit of it.

      And as always Linda, please speak your mind. I insist on it. You saw how the ‘sympathy factor’ was put in play. I saw THAT one coming from a mile off. When I grow weary of shit, I’ll get rid of it, never fear.

      Thank YOU for stopping in! Always good to see YOU, my friend!


  5. Dear Mr. and Mrs. Freedomborn’s Christmas Blessings,

    Wow, I came here to thank Shelby for her kind shout-out and walked into the lion’s den.

    “do not be deceived Shelby , unless you repent you will reap what you sow”…My dictionary defines repent as “to view or think of (an action or omission) with deep regret or remorse.” What an arrogant statement, to assume that Shelby has never regretted or had remorse for anything in her life but lived her life in a constant disregard for others. Her writings clearly give evidence of her compassion, thoughtfulness and love for others, particularly those not privileged to stand in your presence. And if she has made mistakes (as we all have) who are you to decide that she has not already experienced regret or remorse for them? Why does she need to prove herself to you or seek your validation?

    “having True Love in our heart shows God’s presence”…Well, I guess since you capitalized “True Love” then it must be better than everyone else’s love.

    “have you also spent time in finding out about the Christian Organizations that help millions who are in need, did you know that Christians started the first Hospitals and the first Schools”…Are we talking about the public school system and it’s gross, systemic inequalities (and I say that as a public school teacher) or the private, Christian system that is unaffordable to many families and can decide who to accept/reject, unlike the public schools. Shelby already covered the residential school history vis a vis the indigenous people of N. America.

    As religious fundamentalists, you always give yourselves away by your inability to hold a coherent conversation that doesn’t invoke a Bible scripture or reference to God in the third person personal. I may be mistaken but I think the intent of Shelby’s poem was to paint a picture of the emotional and mental anguish of a person struggling under the weight of society’s heavy burdens. Because, Mr. and Mrs. Freedomborn’s Christmas Blessings, you are unable to relate to other human beings in a meaningful way without inserting the Bible as a wedge to distance yourselves from the vulnerability that arises in genuine relationships and interactions with other people, you immediately passed judgement on Shelby and assumed she was the one in need of “saving’ and, by gosh, you were going to be the ones to come to her rescue with a litany of verses that would save her lost soul. I’m sure the fact that Shelby is African American had nothing to do with your stance.

    Jeff Nguyen


    • “Wow, I came here to thank Shelby for her kind shout-out and walked into the lion’s den.”

      Jeff, I must apologize to you as I know that you would not like to have you or your blog associated with this mess! It was not my intent when that poem was born for this to happen. You are correct in your assessment of what this poem is all about. It was to place the title of your blog post into poetic form and to highlight the suffering of people, the world over who are victims of a fucked up society that is impoverishing people by the millions, deliberately. From now on, I will not link any poems or posts to your blog due to exactly what happened here.

      You are also correct in that I don’t owe trolls(if I may borrow from Linda)explanations for what I do or don’t do. They can kiss my ass. However, I am guilty of not being able to pass up the opportunity to take this shit on head-to-head and call their bullshit, “bullshit!”

      Like I’ve stated, this shit crawled over here from somewhere else and has since tried to post most ‘christianlike’ comments that befit exactly what they are, heathens and hypocrites. I, better than most people know what ‘christians’ are capable of and this shit is no exception. The garbage that was sent to me has been thrust right where it belongs, INTO my cyber garbage can. Their true ‘colors’ always show.

      I thank you for your support and once again, my apologies and I will delete the link to your blog and the tags relating to your blog as I value the rapport that I have with you too much to let this shit ruin it! Thank you Jeff for all that you do online and off!


      • No apology is needed and I am proud to be associated with your blog any day of the week. In fact, now I would consider it an act of solidarity vs. Mr. and Mrs. whatever to be linked to your outstanding and compassionate poem. Your call, Shelby. Just know you owe me no apology. Best to you, Shelby.


  6. “it an act of solidarity”

    I stand in solidarity WITH you!!

    …and no matter what, I will always run helter-skelter over to your blog, on that you can depend. All is as it was before! Thank you again, my friend!


  7. Shelby,
    Having dealt with a few hundred trolls in an entirely different online venue, I’m damn sure that’s exactly what Freedomborn IS—a troll out to sap your time and energy–with a very deliberate agenda to do so. They may even be paid trolls. Hence, my first comment about the “red hot poker”. You’ve given them a dressing down but it falls on deafness because they’re here to bug the shyte out of you in just this fashion. Hammer/trash their comments. Don’t feed the trolls. Unless of course the venting feels good for yourself. But don’t let them derail you from more important creative work like poetry and your social commentary that has nothing to do with their zombie brains.
    Don’t allow them another line of space to play their mind-f’n games in. They’ve got way too much already everywhere else.
    Just my half cent. Feel free to ignore it. I won’t be offended.
    But do know — solidarity and “mic check”.



    • Whitebuffalo, I must apologize to YOU also because I have been otherwise engaged and was unable or forgot to respond to your previous comment. Again, never fear! I have since been emailed by the trolls and like I’ve stated, their ‘christianlike hypocritical and heathenish nature’ was all up in my email box. That shit has been deleted. I would delete their posts, but then I’d have to delete mine as it would seem that I was talking to myself.

      I sincerely appreciate that many of you, “got my back!” And I love you all for that, I do as only a non-christian can. LOL!

      “Zombie brains,” I like that. May just show up in another poem, ya never know. And yes, I’ve vented to my heart’s content and when I’m done, it is known and I am, unequivocally, done.

      I realize that this blog of mine is up and coming and when it gets noticed, the trolls show up and I have experienced trolls elsewhere. You can’t escape them when you’re online. But here, I have control over what gets posted or ‘approved’. For now, I will let this stand, but the troll trough has been chucked.

      Thank you Whitebuffalo! I was over on your blog earlier, listening to some fine performances and I will head on over there shortly. I have been remiss in clicking that ‘follow’ button. But I intend to rectify that as soon as I click the button to reply to your comment! But with the shit that I’m attracting, you may want to ‘unfollow’ my ‘follow’ of your blog. LMAO!!

      CYA around, I hope!!


      • Shelby, you don’t have to apologize to me for anything at all.
        Have fun with “Zombie brains”–I sure hope you will.
        I appreciate the “follow”–as long as what I’m sharing interests you in some way.
        As for “Unfollowing” your blog because of the trolls—LOL–no way! A hearty zen-fu-panda to them.


  8. This is a message for the ages. My struggles are tied into these struggles. So much shit that has gone on we can only rally around one another and help each other. That had been my mantra forever. I try not to dig up these things until I’m ready to purge, but you don’t seem to mind forcing my hand.

    Thank you sis for your heart, it’s truly on display here.


    • Oh, my dear, sweet HLJ. I forced your hand, did I? Indeed, there is a message within my message.

      “So many struggles and yet, no peace.
      So many mountains to climb and yet, no rest.
      So many trials and tribulations and yet, no justice.
      So many down and out and yet, no relief.
      And so we hang by a gossamer thread.”

      We must continue to try and hang in there! We must try!
      You take care of yourself.


  9. Wow ………. how fun. It would be so much easier if Freedomborn’s Xmas Blessings would just accept Tubularsock as their personal savior and realize that Tubularsock IS fucking GOD!

    Now isn’t that simple? Now let us all pray to Tubularsock and be saved.


    • Tube, you’d only find yourself getting dirtier than pigs in shit if you ran around attempting to try and ‘save’ that heap of ignorant filth ridiculously claiming to be ‘Freedomborn’s Xmas Blessings aka ‘christian xmas bullshit’. Those useless fucks are quite beyond ANY type of prayer or saving. You know the ‘christians’ are their own devil’s pet.

      Here! Let me refresh YOUR memory.

      The Devil’s Favorite Pet!

      In a town called Bethlehem
      where Jesus Christ was born,
      the ‘christians’ think they’re chosen
      and were soon to toot their horn.

      They display the cross so proudly,
      While their politics, they preach.
      And when they beg for money,
      they suck you like a leech.

      In their palaces of sin
      all tax exempt and free,
      please don’t seek their help.
      They’ll turn their back on thee.

      Welcome to their world.
      Step right inside of hell.
      You’ll hear no truth from them.
      And you’ll wonder at their smell.

      The christians reek of sulfur,
      and they bend the rules a bit.
      They’re the devil’s favorite pet.
      It seems, he loves a hypocrite.

      Written by,
      Shelby I. Courtland
      © 2013 Shelby I. Courtland

      Hell! I’m just TOO damn good!


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