“ISIS, as President of the United States, I am warning you that it would not be in your groups best interest to mess with the U.S. We don’t take kindly to other people messing around and threatening us. You guys and gals need to realize that the U.S. is capable of handling any threat that should land on our shores but we prefer to handle it in your backyard. And that is why we are going to take the fight to you in your neck of the woods because we know it so well after having invaded Iraq for no reason and bombed the hell out of that country and freed them from the evil dictator, Saddam Hussein. They’ve yet to thank us for that, but as always, we are willing to overlook the fact that no country has ever thanked us for trying to bring our form of democracy to it. We know very well what we are doing because we’ve bombed Iraq three times already and we haven’t been able to get anything done, accomplished, fixed, fixed up, stabilized and democratized. We know how to stabilize that region, we’re just testing the waters. Just ask the people of Afghanistan and Libya. Look at what great strides we have made in both places. Afghanistan is now a peaceful poppy heaven and since we murdered Muammar Gaddafi, things have settled down quite nicely in Libya.
We understand the difficult challenges that come with being the worlds’ police but we are up to the challenges. We are all up on our game and never think any different. We have formed a coalition of the willing to ‘degrade and destroy’ you. We will degrade you by pulling your pants down in public and spank you right in front of your mothers. We are sick and tired of you beheading people who are just reporting on the ongoing issues that we have been trying to get straightened out in the Middle East. You have no cause to behead people. Just because Saudi Arabia beheads people on an almost daily basis, that is no excuse for you to mimic their humanitarian form of punishment. We prefer that you water board them. Strip them naked and hook them up to electrodes and jolt them with say…50,000 volts of electricity. We also would prefer that you gently put them to sleep before murdering them by giving them a lethal injection that sometimes takes two hours from the time we give them a lethal injection to the time they wheeze several hundred times and finally die as that is the humane way to go about it. Just ask Joseph Rudolph Wood III. Oh, that’s right, we can’t as he finally did die after two hours of wheezing in his death throes. We are so humane.
And another thing ISIS, we produce thermo nuclear weapons of mass destruction and so again, you don’t really want to mess with U.S. because we ensure that no one; no terrorist, no group of crazed fanatics is going to ever have the means to infiltrate our superior and advanced high tech security systems that are used to guard any complex that houses our weapons grade uranium that we use in those thermo nuclear weapons of mass destruction. Just ask Sister Megan Rice, an 83 year old nun who, with her Geritol crew posse used some bolt cutters and a hammer and infiltrated the state-of-the-art high grade security at our nuclear weapons complex that was designed to ignore little old lady nuns with box cutters, hammers and human blood. How dare she deface our weapons complex in that fashion. But we showed Sister Rice and posse, oh yes we did. Now they are cooling their heels in one of our ‘for profit prisons’ and they ain’t hardly happy at all about making license plates. That’ll show ’em. You don’t mess with the U.S. because danggone it, we are always up on our game.
So, ISIS, who’s your daddy? We made you and we can break you! When you refused to continue to play by our rules, you signed your death certificate and now that we have shown those videos of you beheading Americans, well…everyone here in America is on board with us bombing the hell out of any country in the Middle East to get back at you because here in America, we are the ‘exceptional’, the few, the proud, the great ones. Feel our wrath as we bomb you into oblivion and to the Syrian people, you were warned before we started bombing you that we were going to bomb you. See how thoughtful we are? We didn’t have to give you guys a heads-up but we’re just so nice and all. But don’t mistake our niceness for weakness. Just ask Joseph Rudolph Wood III. My bad, I keep forgetting that he’s dead. Well in that case, write a letter to Sister Megan Rice. She’ll tell ya. Don’t mess with us ISIS!”