On Halloween, My Wife Will Die!


If the dead should come back to life,
would they please just take my wife?
I have a mistress that I want to marry,
but they are both so mercenary.

I want a newer, younger model,
one that walks but doesn’t waddle.
Why’d she have to get so old?
She’s gotten too big for me to hold.

I once loved her that is true,
but she’s turned into a shrew.
This sweet young thing is mine,
and hot damn, she’s looking fine!

What is a man to do,
when he’s sick and tired of you?
My wife will take me to the cleaners.
They’re all such goddamn schemers!

Why can’t they just accept it’s over?
Oh how I despise, hate and loathe her.
This would be the perfect time,
with Halloween, I could hide my crime.
Who would know that it was I?
All I’d need is an alibi.

And once the deed is done,
I’d know where to hide the gun.
No one will ever guess,
that it’s me in this wig and dress.

They’ll think my wife is going out.
In this padding, I’m just as stout.
Murder is a nasty business,
but when it’s over, I’ll wed my mistress.

On Halloween, my wife will die.
Among the dead, there she will lie.
They’ll take her hand and that’s for sure,
and be her guide on a graveyard tour.

Yes, I’m merciless and a little cold,
and just maybe, you think I’m bold
But I want what I desire.
You settle for ice, while I take fire.

You think in hell is where I’ll burn.
Well then I guess I’ll take my turn.
I’ll check in and never check out,
and present my card at the devil’s rout*.

Written by,
Shelby I. Courtland
©2014 Shelby I. Courtland

Disclaimer!!! Uh..this one is not meant to encourage anyone to do away with their spouse on Halloween. I have a twisted, warped sense of humor these days and it may not be in the best of taste, but what the hell! What is these days? Since we’re all such sinful creatures and hell bent on fucking each other up and over, I simply got into the ‘spirit’ of things.

And ladies, this applies to you too! If your spouse has a paunch and is balding, that is no reason to ‘do’ him in for a younger ‘model’. None of us are perfect, some of us are just ‘airbrushed’. But if he has to take his teeth out and put them on the nightstand, well…uh…that’s unfortunate, but it happens. Like I said, we’re not perfect.

Try to get some enjoyment out of Halloween. I know that it will be difficult but try to get a treat and not a trick. And guys, get your mind out of the gutter. I don’t mean that kind of ‘trick’.
*A fashionable gathering.

9 thoughts on “On Halloween, My Wife Will Die!

    1. You tell ‘Paunch Balding’ that he sounds quite the catch but of course, since he sounds quite the catch, he will have already been caught and I would be too late in attempting to snatch him up!

      Although, I do recall stating in no uncertain terms that nothing could induce me to even drive through Arizona what with Rabies McCain holding ‘court’ there and with the spread of Ebola, Arizona is Ebola central seeing as how you guys can lay claim to that diseased warmongering filth Rabies Ebola McCain.

      Thanks for getting into the ‘spirit’ of things Skulz! I see you’re all set for Halloween! LOL! J/K You look great!!! If you wasn’t already hitched, I’d even risk a trip to Arizona to look ya up!!!

      “Stay thirsty, my friend!” LMAO!!!


      1. Paunch Balding is an avowed beastophile. Balding tried pedophilia but found that devotion lacking edge. Go figure. Paunch prefers “rough sex” with cows.
        Happy Halloween M’Lady. I do love the Halloween season. I’m going all out this year. However, I have no intentions of bombing Mooselims nor any “radicalized” souls wherever they may in fact reside.


    1. Tube, we already know that you are everywhere and nowhere or is it nowhere everywhere or nowhere that counts? I fucking get confused. We know all about your different ‘careers’ and the fact that you need to be nowhere at once and we have gotten quite used to seeing you in getup after getup. We always look forward to whatever getup we’ll see you ‘got-up’ to next and we are never disappointed, au contraire.

      But at least the ‘bodies’ are not ‘piling up’! LOL!! Thanks Tube! Your last post was amazing and I’m still trying to come up with a ‘zesty’ comment. I’ll be along eventually.


    1. Dr. Bramhall!!!! I am shocked at you! Get your mind outta the gutter!!! Shameless hussy, you! LMAO!!

      Just kidding! Thanks for getting into the fun of it! But I loved your comment!! You are SO bad!!!


  1. I love this, I was just thinking how many aches and pains I have and how…well…I’m not quite the “stud” (at least in my mind) that I used to be. I guess my wife and I will just have to grow old gracefully. At least that is my hope. 🙂


    1. Dom, bless your heart, as kind, sensitive, warm, thoughtful and considerate that I think you are, your wife loves you regardless of anything and you her. Think of it this way, unlike me, who became another ‘statistic’, divorce that is, you two are still holding on to each other, “For better or for worse, in sickness and in health…” You are to be admired because marriage should be a lifelong commitment and not just a series of “next!”

      No one could put up with me! Hell! Even I have trouble putting up with me! I’d drive the man to drink or to kill himself just to get some peace! I ain’t bragging, I’m just saying! LMAO!! So, as you can see, it is better for men that I remain single and unattached. LOL!!

      And thank you so much for the compliment on this one, it is much appreciated as always!


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