If the dead should come back to life,
would they please just take my wife?
I have a mistress that I want to marry,
but they are both so mercenary.
I want a newer, younger model,
one that walks but doesn’t waddle.
Why’d she have to get so old?
She’s gotten too big for me to hold.
I once loved her that is true,
but she’s turned into a shrew.
This sweet young thing is mine,
and hot damn, she’s looking fine!
What is a man to do,
when he’s sick and tired of you?
My wife will take me to the cleaners.
They’re all such goddamn schemers!
Why can’t they just accept it’s over?
Oh how I despise, hate and loathe her.
This would be the perfect time,
with Halloween, I could hide my crime.
Who would know that it was I?
All I’d need is an alibi.
And once the deed is done,
I’d know where to hide the gun.
No one will ever guess,
that it’s me in this wig and dress.
They’ll think my wife is going out.
In this padding, I’m just as stout.
Murder is a nasty business,
but when it’s over, I’ll wed my mistress.
On Halloween, my wife will die.
Among the dead, there she will lie.
They’ll take her hand and that’s for sure,
and be her guide on a graveyard tour.
Yes, I’m merciless and a little cold,
and just maybe, you think I’m bold
But I want what I desire.
You settle for ice, while I take fire.
You think in hell is where I’ll burn.
Well then I guess I’ll take my turn.
I’ll check in and never check out,
and present my card at the devil’s rout*.
Shelby I. Courtland
©2014 Shelby I. Courtland
Disclaimer!!! Uh..this one is not meant to encourage anyone to do away with their spouse on Halloween. I have a twisted, warped sense of humor these days and it may not be in the best of taste, but what the hell! What is these days? Since we’re all such sinful creatures and hell bent on fucking each other up and over, I simply got into the ‘spirit’ of things.
And ladies, this applies to you too! If your spouse has a paunch and is balding, that is no reason to ‘do’ him in for a younger ‘model’. None of us are perfect, some of us are just ‘airbrushed’. But if he has to take his teeth out and put them on the nightstand, well…uh…that’s unfortunate, but it happens. Like I said, we’re not perfect.
Try to get some enjoyment out of Halloween. I know that it will be difficult but try to get a treat and not a trick. And guys, get your mind out of the gutter. I don’t mean that kind of ‘trick’.
*A fashionable gathering.