Good News For Canada!

Target store

Good news for Canada!

Target is packing up and getting the fuck out! Apparently, you guys in Canada, didn’t take to Target so well and now that they’re reporting significant losses, it’s bye-bye Canada and bye-bye employment for 17,600 employees across the country. But employees, not to worry, you’ll get what the stupid Americans hardly ever get, a $59 million (70 million Canadian dollar) contribution into an employee trust that would ensure nearly all Target Canada workers receive 16 weeks of compensation. Ain’t that great? The company also said that stores will remain open during the liquidation process.

Just look at it this way future ex-employees, you still have a job getting rid of all the things in those Target stores that couldn’t be got rid of before they decided to get rid of them through liquidation which means, a big, gigantic, massive discount to get that shit out of the door. Of course, it’ll start with a 10% discount, you know, just to get the ball rolling. And if that doesn’t get ‘er done, why they’ll up the ante and the next thing you know, 15% off everything in Target! Now, you can’t beat that with a stick right? Wrong!

This shit is still here! All right! This is serious! Twenty percent off and that’s as high as we go. What? It’s been 80 weeks and the shit is still rotting on the shelves? What? The meat’s got expiration dates on it? No problem! Just change the expiration date. What’s a little e coli and salmonella? Our lucky customers are getting a discount on that shit and so they can just puke that shit up while at the same time, ‘diarrheaing’ it out the ass and they’ll be right as rain in no time!

Oops! We gotta go folks! Canada, it was nice knowing you, but you Canadians just didn’t like us here at Target for some reason! We’re going to see if we do any better in Madagascar, a brand new market for us just ripe for capitalism. Oh, yeah baby!

Oh and one more thing, Brian Cornell, Target’s CEO was hoping for a bright spot for Target Canada over the recent holiday season, but apparently, it fizzled. Target employees, why oh why didn’t you find some rabid customers and drag them inside Target’s doors? The CEO was looking for a ‘stellar holiday performance’ but alas, he “did not see the required step-change in [their] holiday performance.” And of course, he’d just better worry about his own job because after all, Target just recently fired another one of its executives over a poor sales performance. They’re all heart, aren’t they?

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