The State of the Union Speech…for real!

SOTU

First of all, let me be clear, I did not look at the State of the Union speech last night, but here is my take on it.

“My fellow Americans, let me be clear. I love you all and I love America! We are at a turning point in America’s history. I have created so many unemployed people, that I have been contacted by the Guinness Book of World Records for this submission. I have closed so many retail stores, I believe I have broken another record. I have drone struck so many innocent people in foreign lands that our drone program is in no danger of ending. I have deposed so many other evil dictators, the world is a much safer place, especially in Libya and Iraq. That mess I got started over in Ukraine, uh, I mean…that Putin got started over in Ukraine is going just as planned. Venezuela is feeling our wrath and will continue to do so until they realize just who is in charge of their country. I have opened relations with Cuba for our, uh, their benefit. Oil production is at an all-time high and our shale industry is doing great. In fact, I just received a thank you letter from some folks in Texas who haven’t yet received their lay-off notices. Real bad Black folks who were caught with a dime bag of weed on them will be incarcerated for 30 years and so white folks, go ahead and take that deep sigh of relief. The prison industrial complex is in full swing and mostly privatized as that is what free market enterprise is all about. The government should not corner the market. There are enough prisoners to fill all institutions. There is no need for more schools since our poor are in prison. There is no need to pass legislation to rein in Wall Street as they are great at overseeing what they do. Those folks are the best.

We have several distinguished guests with us tonight. First up, we have Jack Black who wrote a letter to Santa begging him to let him get an education and grow up to be a successful entrepreneur. His greatest hope is that he does not find himself on the business end of an AK-47 held by New York’s finest in blue. And I am here to help him with his dreams of entrepreneurship because my Administration has approved $20.00 in funding for new business enterprises for Black inner city youth and this young man should have the ability to open as many shoeshine stands on the streets of New York City as is possible for him to realize his dream.

As you all are aware, we just celebrated Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day, and I must say, Dr. King visited me in my dreams last night and thanked me for the wonderful job that I am doing in increasing unemployment in Black communities all across America. Dr. King praised me for increasing child poverty to unprecedented levels because even Dr. King understood the premise of pulling yourselves up by your very own bootstraps. He could never tolerate slackers. Look how much marching he did. That was quite a stretch, marching from Selma to Montgomery. Dr. King realized that the rich prop the economy up and that serfs and peasants are needed and therefore, we have created a nice little niche for said serfs and peasants to slave away all day long; cleaning the toilets of the rich, handing them their lattes across the counters of Starbucks, ringing up their purchases at Nordstrom’s and of course, bowing and scraping to them as they dust and vacuum their homes.

At the start of my first term, I did what I had to do and that is why not one Wall Street thug that caused the economic collapse went to jail because those thugs are necessary to uphold the very foundation of the economic status of millions of Americans. How else could Americans lose their homes? These self-sacrificing thugs are up all night swilling champagne and trying to formulate plans to make more Americans homeless because that builds character and if I may go back to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., for a minute. Dr. King said, “Do not judge me by the color of my skin, but by the content of my character.” So, as you can see, my inspiration tonight comes from Dr. K. Wassup man? Dr. King was all for building on character. Don’t worry about your skin color. I am half Black and half white and I stand before you as president of the greatest militarized country on the planet. If we maintain our military, then we don’t need to fund food stamp programs. Seniors can take cuts in their Social Security benefits and the Disabled can join our military in the bullet making department. We even have openings at various drone sites all across the country. Even a senior citizen can put some bi-focal glasses on, cite innocent foreign targets and with the touch of a button, send them to hell. These are mean times we live in folks. We’ve created so many terrorists that we just may have to reinstitute the draft. By doing so, we will put more people to work because we have jobs available in the military for the blind, crippled and the crazy. Hell! That’s what we turn our service men and women into anyway and we need some fresh blood ‘cause the troops ain’t looking so great.

We have another distinguished guest with us tonight. This lady from Little Rock, Arkansas wrote to me about her need for housing. Joan Bloomers, where are you? Oh, there you are. Please, let her out of the cage so that she can acknowledge my acknowledgement of her. I thought I told you Joe to prepare a bath for Ms. Bloomers. The homeless shelter she is staying at has bedbugs and lice and no hot showers. Thank you for your letter Ms. Bloomers, now back inside your cage, if you will! Now, I know what some of you are thinking. John Rabid Dog McCain has twelve houses and I bet that he would not even miss one and could therefore, give one of his homes to Ms. Bloomers here. You know what? I wouldn’t even think of asking John Rabid Dog McCain to give up not even one of his homes because well, why should he? Ms. Bloomers needs the assistance of her community and since I was a community organizer, I am well aware that the community should have come together to provide some assistance for Ms. Bloomers’ housing needs. HUD is underfunded due to the needs of our military and unfortunately for Ms. Bloomers, I cannot offer her a Section 8 Housing Choice Voucher at this time. Be patient, Ms. Bloomers and patience is its own reward. Have faith in your Lord and Savior Ms. Bloomers and know that he shall deliver you out of the cold of winter and into the warmth of the Pearly Gates.

And in closing, let me say, fellow Americans, I take much pride in informing you that I intend to start a new two year community college program for all 2nd graders. This program will be funded through tax increases on the class that used to be the middle class but has now descended into the underprivileged class, but not to worry folks. After the 2nd graders take the TAS standardized entrance tests for the two year community college program, that will weed out the wheat from the chaff and only the brightest minds will be qualified. They will be the exceptional ones and as you all know, we here in America, pride ourselves on our exceptionalism. So remember, my fellow Americans, I have decreased high paying jobs, I have increased the need for food stamps. I have increased child poverty by leaps and bounds. I have committed more war crimes than I can shake a stick at and all that I have done is because of my love for America. We shall continue to reign as the most impoverished but the most militarized, warring nation on the face of this planet. Our motto is, “We came, we saw, we conquered, we blew it up and we went back and we blew it up again!” Now take that ISIS AND Vladimir Putin!

God bless America! And thanks to me, may God help the American people! Thank you!”

21 thoughts on “The State of the Union Speech…for real!

    • What HLJ? Is your take, the same as mine. I swear I did not watch it, nor have I read a transcript of it, nor have I seen one word of it, but I am sure that I got the whole entire speech down, word for word since I just know that Obama was given truth serum before speaking!

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    • Jeff, you are so right! The sad fact is that this particular program is going to be very short lived due to the fact that the recently downgraded middle class to impoverished status or in other words, to the underprivileged class, there’s going to be not much of a tax base to fund it ’cause goddamn it! We ain’t cutting the military’s budget!

      And Jeff, thanks for the compliment on this one and for the comment. Much appreciated!

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    • Now, now Robin, that’s not me talking. That’s Obama on truth serum! LMAO!! Thanks and great to see you! Hope all is well with you in the ‘land down under’!! And you know that I’ve just got to tell it like it is, no holds barred and all that, you know!

      Liked by 1 person

    • “Do you think we’ve made the FBI watch list yet?”

      Just you attempt to get on a flight and you’ll find out quick, fast and in a hurry! LMAO!! I’m pretty sure that I am on one and still, they can kiss my ass from here to the goddamn moon and back! Hell! If I go anywhere, I’ll more than likely have to take a Greyhound bus! I guess I’m up shit creek if I want to go to Europe, but right now, I don’t. Lucky for me, eh? HAHAHA!

      As for the comments being back on, every so often, I seem to have to disable them to throw the spammers off and then I hit the reset button. That should do it for a time. Sorry to discommode my most faithful followers. Please accept my humble apologies!

      And finally Sojourner, thank you for that glowing comment on this one! We are always ever so spot on, are we not? Pot stirrers that we are! *wink*

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  1. You really need to send this to the White House, Shelby. People are getting so zoned out by the constant lies that they cease to pay attention to the growing discrepancy between what Obama says and reality. Someone needs to wake the people in Washington up. We need to remind them that we aren’t taken in by any of the bullshit, that we know what’s really going on and we’re really angry.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dr. Bramhall, if I thought that it would do any good or even get looked at, I’d hit the send button in a New York nanosecond, but alas, who is listening to us? And they know how dirty, deceitful, hypocritical, corrupt, vile, nasty, disgusting and slimy they are. If I could shove this under Obama’s nose, believe me, I would! But the likes of me would never get a White House invite because I’m not a fawning admirer of the ‘first couple’ and never shall I be and I make that fact known and in no uncertain terms.

      And you are right! I am really, really angry about all the shit that is shoved down our throats as if we don’t know that we’re being spoon fed shit!

      Thank you for your comment Dr. Bramhall and I must say, that latest blog of yours seriously moved me and made me aware of things I did not know, vile things though they were. I much appreciate your continued support!

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  2. Shelby THAT made Tubularsock’s day! Wow. You do one mean-ass speech! You hit it head on and so well. Fantastic really. Loved the Guinness Book of World Records. Obummer has taken top prize in several categories. And senior citizen droners ……… with bi-focal glasses …… priceless but then what will WalMart do for greeters?

    Nice job. I do hope the White House pays you even though they didn’t use your version.

    Liked by 1 person

    • ” senior citizen droners ……… with bi-focal glasses …… priceless but then what will WalMart do for greeters?…”

      Tubularsock, No worries for WalMart — I’d bet they can get any number of eager ‘volunteer’ greeters for a “1 %” employee discount. The only thing better than useless shit is slightly cheaper useless shit.

      But Shelby, that “senior-citizen droners” idea may keep me up nights — my mother would crawl through broken glass for such a gig! Her first target? Her only but least-favorite daughter! – Linda

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      • Linda, LMAO! Stop it! Your mother would not put on bi-focal glasses, type in your address and send a most unfriendly drone headed your way. No way!! Now, mine would! ROTFLMAO!! That’s the only way she’ll find me is to sign herself up for the ‘droner’ program. She’d get the intel from the NSA and hone in on me in a New York minute, my Vestal Virgin mother surely would! I am laughing so hard here, I am gasping!

        Thanks Linda, that was hilarious! You guys are a mess!

        Liked by 1 person

    • Well, a case of ‘domestic’ champagne did show up on my doorstep. I’m having the bottles checked to make sure they haven’t been tampered with. I still don’t think I’ll drink it because there is something else quite sketchy about the whole thing. The note that accompanied it said, “With regards, DC!” Now, are the initials hinting at the package being from Washington, DC? Or from ‘Dirt ChainAndTortureThem’ Dick Cheney? You see, it is widely known that I am at odds with all things French these days and that I have started securing my champagne from two Russian brothers. It is much cheaper and seriously, I can’t tell the difference. I guess my palate isn’t so discerning after all.
      But I certainly don’t want to be poisoned and it is also widely understood that a champagne bottle doesn’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of going untouched around me for long.

      As for the Wal-Mart greeters, I hear tell that Wal-Mart is going strictly ‘self-checkout’ so that frees up the cashiers to do the greeting. See how it all works out in the end?

      And seriously, Tube! Thanks a million for your glowing comment on this one. You guys are the best, you really are!

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  3. “Tubularsock’s kit includes an anti-mother-jammer at no extra charge.”

    @Tubularsock – So THAT’s what it’s for! Thought the name was jargon for some exotic stuff I’d never need. But now … looks like I might, how did you know? — thanks! – Linda

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    • Well archecotech, that’s what he WOULD have said if he’d been given truth serum before the SOTU. And you know what? I can certainly get behind what the USA stands for. I’d been calling it the United Snakes of Amurderer, but yours is much, much more true!!! Thanks and hope you don’t mind if I use it now and again.

      I sincerely appreciate you stopping by and please know that I truly love the posts that you put up about my most beloved Russia. I am starting a campaign here in America in an attempt to steal Vladimir Putin from you guys and see if I can get him to run in 2016 as POTUS of the USA(‘Under Satan’s Authority’) as you so aptly renamed this shithole. I daresay, Putin would not deign to step one toe in this cesspool, but I can try. LOL!

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