The State of the Union Speech…for real!

First of all, let me be clear, I did not look at the State of the Union speech last night, but here is my take on it.

“My fellow Americans, let me be clear. I love you all and I love America! We are at a turning point in America’s history. I have created so many unemployed people, that I have been contacted by the Guinness Book of World Records for this submission. I have closed so many retail stores, I believe I have broken another record. I have drone struck so many innocent people in foreign lands that our drone program is in no danger of ending. I have deposed so many other evil dictators, the world is a much safer place, especially in Libya and Iraq. That mess I got started over in Ukraine, uh, I mean…that Putin got started over in Ukraine is going just as planned. Venezuela is feeling our wrath and will continue to do so until they realize just who is in charge of their country. I have opened relations with Cuba for our, uh, their benefit. Oil production is at an all-time high and our shale industry is doing great. In fact, I just received a thank you letter from some folks in Texas who haven’t yet received their lay-off notices. Real bad Black folks who were caught with a dime bag of weed on them will be incarcerated for 30 years and so white folks, go ahead and take that deep sigh of relief. The prison industrial complex is in full swing and mostly privatized as that is what free market enterprise is all about. The government should not corner the market. There are enough prisoners to fill all institutions. There is no need for more schools since our poor are in prison. There is no need to pass legislation to rein in Wall Street as they are great at overseeing what they do. Those folks are the best.

We have several distinguished guests with us tonight. First up, we have Jack Black who wrote a letter to Santa begging him to let him get an education and grow up to be a successful entrepreneur. His greatest hope is that he does not find himself on the business end of an AK-47 held by New York’s finest in blue. And I am here to help him with his dreams of entrepreneurship because my Administration has approved $20.00 in funding for new business enterprises for Black inner city youth and this young man should have the ability to open as many shoeshine stands on the streets of New York City as is possible for him to realize his dream.

As you all are aware, we just celebrated Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day, and I must say, Dr. King visited me in my dreams last night and thanked me for the wonderful job that I am doing in increasing unemployment in Black communities all across America. Dr. King praised me for increasing child poverty to unprecedented levels because even Dr. King understood the premise of pulling yourselves up by your very own bootstraps. He could never tolerate slackers. Look how much marching he did. That was quite a stretch, marching from Selma to Montgomery. Dr. King realized that the rich prop the economy up and that serfs and peasants are needed and therefore, we have created a nice little niche for said serfs and peasants to slave away all day long; cleaning the toilets of the rich, handing them their lattes across the counters of Starbucks, ringing up their purchases at Nordstrom’s and of course, bowing and scraping to them as they dust and vacuum their homes.

At the start of my first term, I did what I had to do and that is why not one Wall Street thug that caused the economic collapse went to jail because those thugs are necessary to uphold the very foundation of the economic status of millions of Americans. How else could Americans lose their homes? These self-sacrificing thugs are up all night swilling champagne and trying to formulate plans to make more Americans homeless because that builds character and if I may go back to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., for a minute. Dr. King said, “Do not judge me by the color of my skin, but by the content of my character.” So, as you can see, my inspiration tonight comes from Dr. K. Wassup man? Dr. King was all for building on character. Don’t worry about your skin color. I am half Black and half white and I stand before you as president of the greatest militarized country on the planet. If we maintain our military, then we don’t need to fund food stamp programs. Seniors can take cuts in their Social Security benefits and the Disabled can join our military in the bullet making department. We even have openings at various drone sites all across the country. Even a senior citizen can put some bi-focal glasses on, cite innocent foreign targets and with the touch of a button, send them to hell. These are mean times we live in folks. We’ve created so many terrorists that we just may have to reinstitute the draft. By doing so, we will put more people to work because we have jobs available in the military for the blind, crippled and the crazy. Hell! That’s what we turn our service men and women into anyway and we need some fresh blood ‘cause the troops ain’t looking so great.

We have another distinguished guest with us tonight. This lady from Little Rock, Arkansas wrote to me about her need for housing. Joan Bloomers, where are you? Oh, there you are. Please, let her out of the cage so that she can acknowledge my acknowledgement of her. I thought I told you Joe to prepare a bath for Ms. Bloomers. The homeless shelter she is staying at has bedbugs and lice and no hot showers. Thank you for your letter Ms. Bloomers, now back inside your cage, if you will! Now, I know what some of you are thinking. John Rabid Dog McCain has twelve houses and I bet that he would not even miss one and could therefore, give one of his homes to Ms. Bloomers here. You know what? I wouldn’t even think of asking John Rabid Dog McCain to give up not even one of his homes because well, why should he? Ms. Bloomers needs the assistance of her community and since I was a community organizer, I am well aware that the community should have come together to provide some assistance for Ms. Bloomers’ housing needs. HUD is underfunded due to the needs of our military and unfortunately for Ms. Bloomers, I cannot offer her a Section 8 Housing Choice Voucher at this time. Be patient, Ms. Bloomers and patience is its own reward. Have faith in your Lord and Savior Ms. Bloomers and know that he shall deliver you out of the cold of winter and into the warmth of the Pearly Gates.

And in closing, let me say, fellow Americans, I take much pride in informing you that I intend to start a new two year community college program for all 2nd graders. This program will be funded through tax increases on the class that used to be the middle class but has now descended into the underprivileged class, but not to worry folks. After the 2nd graders take the TAS standardized entrance tests for the two year community college program, that will weed out the wheat from the chaff and only the brightest minds will be qualified. They will be the exceptional ones and as you all know, we here in America, pride ourselves on our exceptionalism. So remember, my fellow Americans, I have decreased high paying jobs, I have increased the need for food stamps. I have increased child poverty by leaps and bounds. I have committed more war crimes than I can shake a stick at and all that I have done is because of my love for America. We shall continue to reign as the most impoverished but the most militarized, warring nation on the face of this planet. Our motto is, “We came, we saw, we conquered, we blew it up and we went back and we blew it up again!” Now take that ISIS AND Vladimir Putin!

God bless America! And thanks to me, may God help the American people! Thank you!”