I will be going on vacation from August 14th to the 24th. My address is 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW Washington, DC. Now, before you attempt to break in, let me warn you that I have a security detail that will be left behind at the house. However, if you bring prostitutes, they will become easily distracted. Also, bring some meat. I have dogs and the kitchen staff will be left behind to keep an eye on them and to feed and water them. However, all knives have been locked away and the kitchen staff is forbidden weapons of any kind. So enter by way of the kitchen door, if you intend to attempt a break-in. The security code is 66666666. I know, I picked a really, really hard code. Don’t forget to stop off by the Lincoln bedroom because there are many artifacts in there that are priceless and I don’t want them taken. Under no circumstances are you to enter a secret room that is located directly beneath the Oval office that is near the south lawn of the house.
There is a door that has red paint splashes all over it and this door, you must not enter because it leads to a secret tunnel where you will find the Osama bin Laden false flag operation setup. You will also find bin Laden ‘gelling’ in his Doctor Scholl’s fitted sandals. You will also find the studio where the ISIS beheading videos are made AND the blueprints of the Twin Towers that we bombed on 9/11 which is part of the reason why we had to bomb the Pentagon so as not to have to pretend to offer up some lame ass excuses as to why the Pentagon lost trillions of your hard-earned tax dollars. Not to mention, you will actually find the missing $8.5 trillion dollars that the Pentagon lost. Do not touch anything if you have managed to get to this point. If you have, then I must warn you that you will come to a vault that also needs a secret code in order to enter it and I am not going to reveal. It is 495860430. But I didn’t reveal the code; my alter-ego did, so that absolves me from spilling the ‘code’ beans. Enter that code and you will step inside the vault. To the left of you, you will notice that there is a raised dais and on that dais are two telephones. One is black and the other one is white. Do not under any circumstances, pick up the white phone as that will immediately blow Texas and Ted Cruz clean on up off the map and leave a crater in its place. I refuse to tell you what will happen if you pick up the black phone. It is too horrible for words, but let me warn you, it could endanger the entire planet’s ecosystem. Oh my bad! I already picked up that phone. So, no worries on that score. Now then, where was I, oh yes, if you walk twelves paces, you will come to the very center of the vault and there you will find all of Ukraine’s stolen gold reserves. When I sell the house on November 8th, 2016, I plan to take that with me to a vacation island that I’ve managed to buy thanks in part to all the bribes and kickbacks that I’ve earned throughout my many years in politics.
I am sure that by now, you are wondering why the floor is littered with balled up paper. Well, if you reach down and pick up a piece, you will see that those are divorce papers that my wife has had drawn up, times too numerous to count but because we are in DA HOUSE, we’ve got to keep things, hunky-dory, if ya know what I mean. Anyway, you can burn those papers because I’m going back to Kenya(where I was born) just as soon as I hand the keys over to the next puppet and after a suitable amount of time has gone by, I intend to dispose of my nagging ass Chicago ghetto hood rat wife and take the kids and the dogs. My wife and her dear mother
fucker can just get ta steppin’. Also, I am going to make Kenya, a gay-friendly zone, even if I have to become president there to get it done. I have already laid the groundwork with my recent visit there. So, all it’ll take is a bit more of a push from me, Kenya’s native son, to complete that which I have set in motion. I put Kenya on the map and don’t those folks over there know it.
Fuck Hawaii. I’ll still go there to golf every now and then since Oprah is so nice about having us at her digs. In case I need to hide out from the ICC, which really has no bite to it anyway, seeing as how the ICC hasn’t found its way to prosecuting my predecessors for war crimes. I see no reason why I should be held accountable for drone striking wedding parties in Yemen, resulting in the deaths of countless innocent women, children and men and making orphans out of children in Iraq and Syria, Pakistan and Yemen. Oh and house-breakers, you will also find a golden sword that was gifted to me by the Saudi royal family, gifted to me because of those great beheading videos that my staff made, with my knowledge and consent, of course. Bush left his behind also and so please don’t steal that one since I promised him that I would get around to Fed-Xing it to him just as soon as I’m done with those fake-assed beheading journalist videos.
And don’t forget, potential house-breakers, you really don’t wanna mess with my house because I’ve been known to illegally detain innocent people without due process and I have no problem with the CIA using rectal hydration on innocent bodies either. So, if you dare to attempt to house-break MY motherfucking house, be aware that I shall have my military Seal Team 6, the 999th Seal Team 6, that is, to ‘Osama bin Laden’ your ass. You’ll get a great ‘ocean view’! *wink* *wink*
Now, time to don a paisley shirt, my soccer mom jeans and board Air Force One! Aloha!