Now, ain’t that a bitch??!!!! The above statement was brought to you by your favorite hosed-down version of history Textbook publisher McGraw-Hill or in other words, the ‘lily-whited assed version of the Africa-to-America slave trade that was really not slavery at all. You see, according to McGraw-Hill, the Africans got into boats when they heard that there were good paying jobs for all and they rowed to the shores of America, got processed, was given citizenship papers and was put to work on ‘agricultural plantations’ that paid them a decent wage. In fact, this version rivals my own. Read my version and then decide which version is more believable.
First Edition: The Unedited True Edition of Black History
Introduction: First of all, forget everything that you have never read in the non-existent history books (until McGraw-Hill came along) about Black History as this book will replace
no books ‘McGraw-Hill’on Black History.
One day, while sailing the oceans blue, pale skinned creatures happened upon the shores of a most beautiful land, filled with the beautiful dark ones. The beautiful dark ones were prized for their obvious beauty, gracefulness and strength since the pale skinned creatures hid behind giant lions while watching the beautiful dark ones as they ran and jumped and danced and stomped. Once the lions moved gracefully aside and the pale skinned creatures were no longer hidden from the view of the beautiful dark ones, the beautiful dark ones were very much afraid as they had never seen such pale skins before. They were overcome with awe and wonder and so they immediately ceased their dances and jumps and timidly walked over to touch the golden locks of the pale skins.
And as the two began to get to know one another over the tea and crumpets that the pale skinned creatures provided, it was like they had been waiting on meeting one another for ages. The tribal dialects of the beautiful dark ones were much like the forked tongued speech of the pale creatures and so communication between the two was possible. The pale skins communicated to the beautiful dark ones their need to acquaint them with their god and for the desire of the pale skins to see that the beautiful dark ones were accepted into heaven as perceived by the pale ones. This was met with approval from the beautiful dark ones and a church was soon erected and a sermon was preached whereupon, the beautiful dark ones immediately began to light a bonfire, gather around it and chant in some mysterious and strange tongue. The pale skins quickly made it known to the beautiful dark ones that this was not acceptable behavior as their god did not approve of such conduct. The beautiful dark ones felt that they were being admonished and graciously asked the pale skins to leave their land whereupon the pale skins threw themselves at the feet of the beautiful dark ones and begged them to come with them to a place of even greater beauty where the sun shines both day and night upon fields of amber grain waving in the breeze as far as the eye can see and where mountains of majestic proportions beckon and summon one to scale lofty heights and to then descend down to fruited plains; this land was called, America!
The pale skins told the beautiful dark ones that they would live in the finest homes, eat and drink from containers made of delicate bone china and crystal and then they would gaze upon the savior that came to earth to save all souls from eternal damnation and forever live in mansions in the sky and that there would be no need for witch doctors as medicine was free for all in this land of opportunity and that there were other dark skinned people there that would welcome them with open arms just as they too had welcomed the pale ones. “Why not come to this new and wonderful and different paradise?” the pale ones asked. “Why not board our ships that are equipped with every luxury imaginable for your pleasure? Tables adorned with fine cloth await you, heaped with the choicest meats and fruits and other delicacies too deliciously tempting to be denied.”
This was met with much enthusiasm by the beautiful dark ones as they talked amongst themselves and thought to only go for a visit as they knew that they would one day miss their home and wish to return and so they boarded the beautiful vessels and they sat at the fine tables covered in rich cloth and ate the freshest meats and swam in pools shaped like sea shells. The pale ones waited on the beautiful dark ones, hand and foot; seeing to their every need and making sure that they lacked for nothing. Many months passed and finally, the lookout called, “Land ho!” There was much rejoicing for the long voyage was over and the beautiful dark ones were glad to finally find solid ground beneath their feet once again and to see this glorious new land that the pale ones had spoken so glowingly of.
As the ship docked, the pale ones escorted the beautiful dark ones to shore and then a strange thing occurred, the pale ones disrobed and begged the beautiful dark ones to inspect them for blemishes and flaws, bad teeth and bunions. The beautiful dark ones were bewildered. They had no clue as to what to look for as they did not know what would be expected of the pale ones. The pale ones then explained to the beautiful dark ones that they needed them to help, temporarily, with their plantations which they described as virtual cities that sustained themselves by making and planting everything that was needed for the people to live on. The pale ones beseeched the beautiful dark ones to inspect them so that those of the pale skin that were more highly valued because of their flawlessness could toil alongside the beautiful dark ones for they were truly wondrous and flawless in beauty; a joy to behold.
And so it goes, the pale ones labored alongside the beautiful dark ones in perfect harmony with one another. At the end of each day’s nine to five shift, both the pales ones and the beautiful dark ones would sit on the porch and laugh and share punch and joke about the heat and the flies and watch the crops that they had planted together, grow. They all got along beautifully with nary a harsh word uttered between the two, nor was there ever a fight amongst them. And when the beautiful dark ones decided that it was time to go back from whence they came, ocean liners were put at their disposal to return them to their native land and as they disembarked, they were welcomed back into the bosom of their loving family and everyone lived happily ever after.
I am so glad that I stumbled across this edition of Black History because now I realize that things were not as bad as what I had not read in earlier history books that did not include Black History in them. I was under the mistaken impression that African chiefs had sold other tribes’ slaves into bondage to the Caucasians. I was not told how the Caucasians came to be in Africa in the first place, I just took history’s non-word for it that the Caucasians had a legitimate and humanitarian reason for being in Africa. So, it does my heart good to get the real reality and truth as to how Negro people came to be in America, but when I look around today, I am unable to see how if we once got along so well, we can’t seem to get back to that. Hmmm…. Something else to ponder, I guess. Oh well, history is not supposed to be perfect, just true!
And as you can see, I so love the truth!!!
Last but not least, why don’t we all just re-write history to suit our own personal agenda? Why should we allow a little thing like ‘the truth’ get in the way? Oh, never mind. We don’t!