I’ll drink until I’m drunk and then just drink some more.
I’ll cease to be a lady and just become a whore.
I refuse to brush my teeth! No need for dental floss.
Toothlessness won’t worry me. I shall not miss the loss.
I’ll never brush my hair and have bedhead all day long.
Not caring about hygiene is really not so wrong.
I’ll only eat fried foods and buy ice cream by the ton.
Chocolate cake is on the menu. Give me that honey bun!
I’ll never exercise. Who needs a nice, slim waist?
I’d rather have my food and I need more than a taste.
I’ll fart and belch in public and dare anyone to frown.
There’ll be a trail of fumes as I stroll around the town.
I will not clean my house, nor will I wash my car.
I’ll live among the filth and kick bottles from the bar.
These are my resolutions that I so intend to keep.
Who cares where I’m headed? I shan’t look before I leap.
Written by,
Shelby I. Courtland
©2013 Shelby I. Courtland
Now, these resolutions are real easy to keep! I thought that after all the shit that’s been going down, we could ALL use a little levity!
shelbycourtland 
Reblogged this on The Militant Negro™.
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I do declare, I never expected that you would re-blog this one because it is SO out there! Waaaaay out there! But just for today, I am attempting to relax and unwind. As much as I hate to say it, this is my favorite day of the year because I am always quite ready to send another year to the dustbin where all the other old years are that were all fucked up!
But I thank you for the re-blog and I wish you an extremely Happy, healthy and love-filled New Year!
Cheers!
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I am one who likes a plethora of things and it’s very hard to categorize what I reblog because I reblog all over the place. I tend to reblog what I like, in other words rebloggin for me is a mirror of what I would blog if I were not such a lazy ass. Enjoy your favorite day of the year.
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Thank you! And I hope that you will also however you celebrate it.
I have been told that the gang is on their way, so Happy New Year Mr. Militant Negro and many, many more!
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I like to fart at the grocery store. Methane on aisle 5! I get the funniest looks from the ‘proper’ people.
HNY M’Lady and 2016 shall be a gas gas gas.
:}
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Skulz, you a mess! LMAO!!! But, seriously, you need to stop contributing to ‘global warming’ otherwise known as ‘climate change’. You are to hold those farts in until you spontaneously combust. Just go up in one big ball of flames. That sounds better than just a continual release of methane gas. Go for one BIG explosion and you, good! ROTFLMAO!!! You are priceless!!!
Thank you for your comment. I’ve got tears of laughter in my eyes, just thinking of the havoc you wreak
reekat the grocery stores. LOL!LikeLiked by 1 person
:}
I do reek and I can send the old ladies running for distance. Well and the perfume aisle…
At the local Fry’s store back in the Zona I set one off over by the eggs and eggs sales plummeted for a week. Being the militant dissident can be such creative fun…
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A call for ‘smelling salts’ in aisle 7? Or in YOUR case, you are the ‘smelling salts’. You say, you’re enough to wake the dead! ROTFLMAO!!! The tears are still streaming down my face! You’re a one-man riot, literally AND figuratively! LMAO!!!
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I’m going to wash my car on New Years Day. That’s it for the year.
🙂
Happy new year and regards from Florida
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Ah! Bless your heart Toritto! I am having some folks over after 11:00pm central time and the champagne is chilled, the cognac has been put out and the Heineken for my beer drinking guests is in the cooler and everyone of us is SO ready for this year to end, you have no idea!
Happy New Year from the middle of nowhere better known as the Midwest!
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FBL (full belly laugh) some years are bettre off in the dust bin!
Here’s to a better 2016.
Leslie
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Leslie, I will most assuredly drink to THAT, a better 2016!
Cheers!
And may I wish for you a most healthy and wonderful New Year and thank you so much for putting up with this wild child here because I can be a bit much! Again, thank you and Happy New Year!!!
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My dear, good woman, I hear you loud and clear. Happy New year to you too and may we see some change for the good, in the days to come.
Leslie
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I will certainly be on the lookout for some ‘good’ changes! We ALL need some!
Bless your good heart Leslie! You help keep my spirits up and for that I also thank you! I’ve stated this before and I’ll state it again, I love your optimism!
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A big hug to you.
Leslie
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The toothless line was very funny.
Not going to do too much. I am looking forward to resting and relaxing a little. I am glad you will be doing so too. Have a Happy New Year! May you have a good celebration!
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Well, N.S., since I’m originally from the south and the majority of my heelbeelee family members have most of their teeth missing/and/or lost/or stolen and/or knocked out or shot out, it is not a stretch for me to not concern myself with whether or not I have teeth. Because when I’m in the south, I’d fit in SO well.
Anyway, have a Happy New Year! Relax and rest up and we shall welcome in the New Year!
Thank you for your comment.
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Hahahaha! Very funny list. I love the first one. Happy New Year!
P.S. I gotta visit some of your old post. I haven’t been here in while. Been so busy. I see you have been to.
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Thank you TheOriginalBlackWoman13! Happy New Year to you as well! I thought I’d do a parody of the usual; “join a gym, eat right and stop drinking” we hear each and every year this time. Oh, what the hell! Let’s live it up for one night!
I’ve got some catching up on your most excellent blog to do also.
Here’s to a Happy and healthy New Year!
And thank you for your comment!
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Same to you, sis.
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Levity! Absolutely, and this was good medicine. Thank You Shelby! And happy new year to you. BTW, have you ever wondered whose idea was it to start a new year in middle of winter?
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Peter, I certainly could use it and I thought I’d share it! Happy New Year to you as well! And keep up the good work on your blog. Animal cruelty must stop! If we are humans, then we need to act like we are really and truly ‘human’. No one is eating us. But then, as foul as we are, what ‘animal’ would want to?
I’ll now get off my soapbox and log off and get ready for my guests who just informed me that they are coming over early. So, it’s going to be a wild night tonight and ‘hair of the dog’ tomorrow. LOL!
Enjoy your New Year’s Eve, Peter.
Take care,
Shelby
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Yes, thanks for the laugh. We do need it!
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Anytime Dara! I certainly needed it after the year I’ve had!!
Happy New Year to you and may this year treat you well, extremely well! And enjoy great health as well!
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Shelby, When you are in a fit state to read my tardy comments … like maybe wednesday? Here’s to a much, much better new year, even if we have to trap and skin it ourselves!
And about the dental hygiene – better get a proper corkscrew, I’m not sure you can pull out those champagne stoppers with dentures, so you might hold off on that there resolution. Though as the world’s worst flosser, I’m in no position to criticize.
Anyway, here’s wishing for all the best, for us and all our blogging comrades, in this and every year. – Linda
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Linda, your comment is hilarious! Even with a hangover the size of Alaska, I am still able, even with the pounding in my head, pound out a few keystrokes to respond. I know! I know! Amazing, isn’t it? I really did just kick bottles from the bar, so that’s ONE resolution down and I’ll figure out in a minute, how many more to go. LOL!
You know that me and champagne are joined at my lips, so there is never much distance between us. I take one look at that cork and of its own accord, it just flies right off and it’s never, ever hit me in the eye. Nope, no eye patch here! LMAO! Ouch! Can’t do that yet! Head pound! Pound! Pound!
And don’t forget that I just might have to go back down south for something and in case I do, I’ll need to be recognized and so therefore, I must look like the rest of my heelbeelee relations. Uncle Moses would nevah fergee me if I didn’t stay true to muh heelbeelee ways. I ain’ter nevah bin won fer acteen awl high ferlutin and stuff, doncha no? *grin* Still cain’t laugh jeest yet!
But seriously, Linda thank you for the well wishes and may we ALL have a better 2016; forge new friendships, online and off, love one another, stay healthy or get healthy and just live!
Again, thank you Linda!
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Shelby, great list and Tubularsock is going to hold you to them …… that is what friends do!
Tubularsock takes a little different tact when it comes to these “resolutions” for the future …..
What is is when it happens it’s happened and when it doesn’t it hasn’t. The list is endless.
And the fun thing is that we live in holographic universe so it is all happening at the same time anyway.
Wrap your toothless head around that!
Now, you my friend have a Happy New Year even though it is all made up. Making it up the way you want it is something worth doing and Tubularsock is pouring another shot of Wild Turkey for you ….. wow, it’s almost 9am it must be morning in Oakland,CA!
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With you and your Wild Turkey and me and my champagne, we ARE celebrating something; whether or not it’s New Year’s Eve we’re celebrating? Oh well? Who the fuck knows what’s going on at any given time. Time? What is time? The distance between what has happened, what is happening and what’s about to happen and we’re in the moment of time as it is happening or not. Damn! I’ve lost my goddamn self with this one. Trying to answer something philosophically and with a hangover tends to do that.
Let me try again. I am here and you are somewhere in this moment of time. Where I am, I do not know. Where you are, I do not know. But we are where we are when we are there and that is all we know. Or do we? *grin* I’ll stop here at making no sense at all and just wish for you continued health, good friends, more Wild Turkey and for you to become the next President of the United States! Three cheers for you!
Happy Year Tubularsock!!! And thank you for that wonderful comment!
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You’re really crazy Shelby! You’re completely nuts!lol But I think you’ll get a lot of takers for these resolutions.lol I hope you have a great 2016. Much love to you and your family. Peace. 🙂
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Thank you for those lovely and so true compliments. If anyone was unsure, then you have just cleared everything up for them. Shelby is a crazy nut! No bones about it! I am certifiable, now where’s my check for that? LOL! I’ll find out how much it pays to be certifiably nuts! If the money ain’t right, then I demand the right to be de-certified! LMAO! Ouch! *hangover* ya know!
Seriously Prince, thank you for your comment and I wish the same for you and your family; much love, peace, health and happiness, my friend!! Enjoy this year and may it treat you well!
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Thank you sweetie. ❤
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I am crying waterfalls laughing my ass off at this, You are a different kind of creature Shelby Happy New Year Love!!!!!!!!!!!
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I am glad that I double you over with laughter. I seem to have that effect on people. But I wonder, are they laughing with me or at me? Oh well, a laugh is a laugh and I’ll take it. We could use more laughter over tears any day, unless you’re laughing so hard, you find yourself ‘crying waterfalls’, that’s ALL good!
Happy New Year to you too darling! And many more happy returns!
I thank you sincerely for your comment nidotopianwarrior!
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