I Am Searching For Something I Will Never Find

Emotions, Fantasy, Feelings, Poetry, Relationships, Sex 2 Minutes

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I am searching for something I will never find;
a love so pure and ethereal of some kind.
Lost in a dream world of fantasy and books;
tired of love based on money and looks.

Earthy passion has no place for me.
Too scared I’ll get up with an STD.
Only lust and sex are intertwined
and to believe any different is asinine.

The times we live in are scary as hell.
And then you find yourself alone as well.
The man you think of as only yours
is out driving around in search of whores.

But you say you love him and you need a man.
You need wisdom because he has a plan.
He will use you and he may speak of love
while knowing full well what he’s guilty of.

When he is in your bed, he is thinking of her.
You see, he is a pro and you’re just an amateur.
And you turn to him and you look into his eyes,
not even seeing the telltale signs of lies.

Oh yes, the times we live in are scary indeed.
He is your addiction, on which you feed.
And he is one more reason to lose all trust.
You see, men will be men and they’re all ruled by lust.

Written by,
Shelby I. Courtland
©2016 Shelby I. Courtland

Ladies, be careful out there. Because this is real, as real as it gets. Men are ruled by lust, lust for power, money and sex. Anything else is secondary and that means, you. Just take a look around. What do you see? Who are called, ‘the powerbrokers’? How many times have you heard of ‘The Boy’s Club’? Oh, it’s exclusive, alright and it ‘excludes’ you. You are to only be seen at the proper time and under the proper circumstances. Men tell you what to look like as in how many cosmetic surgery procedures you must undergo to achieve ‘the look’ as established by men. Men tell you what to wear, how to style your hair, even down to the stiletto heels you must wear because men have decided that you must suffer deformities in order to look sexy and you do it. You do everything men tell you to do and quite frankly, I wonder is it really for love or for something else? Search within yourself, you’ll find the answers. And many of you, already know them. Be honest with yourself and about what men want and what they are.

Published by ShelbyCourtland

I am an advocate for the poverty stricken, homeless, hungry, voiceless people who are considered to be the 'unwashed' masses but whom I consider to be the unsung heroes for surviving a never ending battle waged against them in the form of poverty wages, no benefits, living paycheck to paycheck, needing medical coverage while employed, trying to feed their families on stagnant wages that have not kept pace with inflated prices. And so the battle continues.....

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34 thoughts on “I Am Searching For Something I Will Never Find”

  1. A lot of women miss the forest for the trees – not to blame them at all mind you. We stand here right in your faces but are not seen because maybe our teeth aren’t all straight or maybe our clothes don’t fall right. Or it could be because we are shy and don’t really speak up in time and our car needs a paint job and some tires and a muffler and the back glass replaced and some gas. Yes, we are ruled by different parts of the body than women and yup, we be very visual creatures, but the way to tell the ones of us who have grown in spite of natural is to look for the one that is always there. Not like a stalker, but you know what I mean.

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    1. “A lot of women miss the forest for the trees”

      HLJ, in many, many cases, that is just not true! My ex-husband drove a car with the word, “Hoopty?” on the side. Just like that, it was written and there was no question mark necessary because it was indeed, a hoopty. The first car he bought me was a Ford Pinto and they don’t even make those for obvious reasons. It sounded like an army tank and my own mother teased me because she said that she knew when I was driving over to her house when I started the Pinto up at mine and we were definitely NOT next door to each other.

      His teeth were so mistreated by him that his toothbrush bristles would fall out rather than continue to be put through hell attempting to clean his teeth. When he was finally persuaded to go to a dentist to have his teeth cleaned, the dental office had to cancel all appointments for three days in order to use every available hygienist to clean his teeth. Insurance should have filed a suit for their money back because his teeth never looked the better for them having gone through three days of supposed, cleaning. He was still wearing butterfly collars and sporting a Jerry Curl when everyone else had moved on.

      I realize that this makes me appear to have been desperate to get married, but at the time, I thought I was in love. I was not. I, too, was in ‘lust’. It turned out to be short lived and totally not worth it.

      But even today, if a man asked to take me out and all he had was a two-seater bicycle to work with, I would consider that to be an adventure. Of course, I live in a bubble, a self-inflicted bubble since I have seen too much and none of it was good. I am extremely jaded when it comes to ‘love’. In fact, I may even be a hypocrite since I don’t believe that I have ever experienced true ‘love’. What I thought was love turned out to be only ‘lust’. I am an extremely fickle creature for when the ‘newness’ wears off, be it a relationship, a new job or whatever, I quickly become bored and lose interest. That is why my list of ex-boyfriends is as long as my resume when speaking of past jobs that I have held. Sheer boredom and the everlasting seeking of adventure is my downfall.

      However, hypocritical I may be in so far as I am just as shallow as most men, I have decided to retire from the relationship scene.

      But do not judge all women by that scenario you have stated because we all do not fit the profile. I am just saying in my poem that I do think that in today’s society, being in a relationship is more scary than it has ever been because we have online dating and escort services and look at how many men were ‘outed’ over that Ashley Madison controversy? We’ve even got websites for the express purpose of cheating. Now, what does that say for love? Not very much, I’m afraid. And a body cannot be too careful these days, what with the prevalence of STDs that there are no cures for. I’d rather be alone than be sick with an incurable STD because I put my trust in someone who was also screwing something nasty.

      My desire to retire from the relationship scene is mostly based on that because I have never been the ‘high maintenance’ type nor have I ever expected a man to do everything for me. That song by Destiny’s Child, “Independent Women” is the epitome of me.

      And as always, I thank you for your comment.

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      1. Ms. Shelby I could have sworn I replied to your reply but I guess I didn’t. Anyway, you are correct and though I am perfect and an excellent catch I too am a single person by choice. I know all Black women aren’t shallow as fuck, but here in the Atlanta metro a lot are. I just bought a 350Z convertible because I love 2 seaters and I’ve wanted one my entire life. As soon as I let that top down things change. Some might like that sort of thing but I do not. I’m far too grown (49) to be playing that game and I’ll probably end up alone for the rest of my life because I refuse to play that game. Please forgive me for implying you were shallow; I know good and got damn well my Ms. Shelby is not that type.

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      2. HLJ, I just bought a new car as well. I’m not saying what it is because as militant as I am, the KKKops would be following every vehicle like it, looking for me, but I must tell you, the other day when I got out of it, even an Asian man was giving me ‘the look’. The ‘white’ folks here damn near break their necks when I pull up and some have even told me that they would like to ‘steal my car’. I just calmly say, “You are being videotaped and thank you for making sure that I have multiple suspects when pressing charges.” Also, my vehicle has a tracking device in it as well. Cameras were installed and so no one can even come within 5 feet of it without being on candid camera. I figure I owed it to myself seeing as how my old van was totaled in this most recent multi-vehicle pileup. Hell! I was damn near totaled.

        I am just so pleased with myself HLJ, because I am totally independent. I paid for my new car, in full. I don’t need anyone to pay my bills or give me a ride and though I have never been materialistic, I finally got the vehicle of my dreams. The only problem is, I now have a fear of driving due to the multiple accidents on the highway that I have been involved in and btw, none were caused by me. I am probably the only person in history that can say that I was hit from behind and pushed into a bus, was hit from the side and was a hood ornament on a car and was also in yet, another accident where a woman was texting and driving and every vehicle except hers was totaled and the jaws of life got several of us out of our vehicles. I have been through it.

        And like you, I shall spend the rest of my life by myself and I am okay with that because I put up with so much with my marriage and even with dating, that I just cannot see myself jumping back into the dating pool. Not to mention, when I’m listening to other women speak of their relationships, I breathe a big ass sigh of relief and they all look at me and say, “but Shelby, we’ve got to kiss some frogs before we find our Prince,” and “it’s all worth it!” Hell no! It ain’t! And they ain’t been able to convince me yet! And they won’t. Hell! Most weekends, they are hanging out with me because they are pissed off with their boyfriend. I just give ’em a look as in, “better you than me.”

        So, I hear you and I feel you. Drive that 350z convertible and make ’em drool over what they cannot have! I respect you even more and I did not think that was possible HLJ! And we are also damn near the same age and that means, we are set in our ways. You go with yo bad self! LOL!

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    1. Yes indeed, Leslie, a good man IS hard to find! And quite frankly, I am not even looking. I wrote this because it just came and I let it out and here it is. But I have become quite comfortable on my own. When I am asked out, I graciously decline because I do not wish to hurt anyone’s feelings by starting something that I know I am not really into and never will be. That is why my Prince Charming is somewhere in a book, he is not real. He is a fantasy and I cannot love a fantasy. And no mere mortal man can ever live up to my ‘fantasy’ man.

      But I think it wonderful that you found a truly good man. I wish you a long and happy life together.

      I thank you for your comment Leslie.

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      5. Yes, we are all in a ‘fatal’ state from the day we are born, but if we constantly make ourselves aware of that, it is defeating the purpose of living.

        Since you are capable of loving, just live and love, Leslie, just live and love.

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    1. That is SO true Dr. Bramhall. And they’ll bring no more baggage into mine. And of that, I am certain. I don’t need a man for a damn thing! I pay my own bills, drive my own car and go where the hell I please when I please. I got so goddamn tired of hearing, “When are you coming back? Where are my clean socks?” and other shit of the like when I was married, there ain’t no way in hell I’m putting up with that tired ass shit ever again. Ain’t no man worth their weight in salt. I just wish I thought this way long ago! It would have saved me much trouble.

      I thank you for that right on the money comment Dr. Bramhall. Ever the sensible one you are!

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  5. Very well wriiten, and although personally as a man I don’t require a woman to “conform to misogynistic, and lustful requests. I would rather she simply be herself without apologies or explanations regarding something society (or the last man in her life) has made her feel is some sort of inadequacy or flaw. I find women to be immensely interesting, charming, passionate, smart etc – with their legs closed.

    Lust and sex while wonderful in their proper context and at the right time, has done more damage than good to relationships. These days often time they are mere cheap deterrents used because one doesn’t want to put real effort in building a relationship. Cheap thrills grow old fast.

    The things you write of in this very hard hitting and truthful post are prevalent in the male culture today. It’s sad – in a time when the “power brokers” “movers and shakers” speak of equality yet treat their very soulmates as some purchased service that should do and be as instructed.

    It’s disheartening to hear a wonderful woman such as you may throw in the towel on sharing her truths, her beauty, her talents, her thoughts, her strength, her emotions, with someone who would truly reciprocate her investment in kind.

    I urge you to reconsider. The pickings may seem slim – but that’s when the good fruit is easily identified.

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    1. Well, Geo Gee, I am quite at a loss for words in attempting to respond to your comment. You seem to be the exception and not the rule, but we must first wade through dirty bog water, apparently, because many men are the type that is forever ‘in lust’ as opposed to ‘in love’.

      I have noticed the same pattern in men and women whereas each seems to be looking for something they can get from the other. Maybe, women are learning the ‘game’ that men have been playing for years too numerous to count, I don’t know. But I do see that many women are in essence, selling themselves to the highest bidder. They will do whatever it takes to stave off the signs of aging so as to compete with youth and they are wasting their time since a man can have hair coming out of his nostrils so thick, he has more hair in his nose than he does on top of his head and yet, there he struts with some young nubile female on his arm. And what does she want? Why, everything that his money can buy, of course.

      And those of us who are ‘the everyday people’ are looking for financial security and though it is understandable in some ways, it is not love. In the words of Tina Turner, “What’s Love Got To Do With It?” Obviously, nothing.

      Of course, I have already stated that I am overly jaded and pessimistic when it comes to that ole thing called ‘love’ because I really don’t see much of it in existence. My own parents did not love each other, they just stayed together because it was the thing to do, I guess. My marriage failed, my sister’s marriage failed. All my cousins’ marriages failed and so ‘love and marriage’ haven’t much to say for themselves or I guess, those considering themselves to be ‘in love’ aren’t really. It is quite complicated, but then all matters of the heart are but could things be more complicated because ‘love’ actually is not in the bargain? Only lust and financial security are? Oh, well, it could be just my cynicism talking.

      As for me, if there is a Mr. Right out there, he has not darkened my doorstep, of that I am certain or perhaps, my heart is not open to receiving what is right in front of me. I’ll probably never know.

      Thank you for that wonderful comment. It got me to thinking and contradicting myself to the point where my head is spinning. LOL!

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  6. I oftentimes share these sentiments. I have been told “I don’t feel like you need me”… and, if we’re being honest, I really don’t. So unless you’re adding some great joy to my life, be gone!

    I don’t know any other way to be except be myself. A confident, strong, funny, creative, ambitious woman sounds like a dream, right? Not these days. It’s just easier doing my own thing at this point in life. I won’t apologize for that.

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    2. And Kelley, you should not apologize. There is nothing wrong with you and there is certainly nothing wrong in knowing yourself and what you want and what you don’t want or need. If a man can say that to you, then there is something wrong with him. He should not be expecting you to ‘need’ him. It is not about ‘need’, it is supposed to be about love and respect.

      You see, that is exactly why I am not putting up with shit like that either. And I have no idea what is wrong with the men of today and if I’m being honest, with the men of every point in time because some things just never change. I refuse to pretend to be ‘needy’ so that some man can assume the role of ‘Prince to the Maiden’s rescue’. I don’t need a man to rescue me from a damn thing. If anything, I need to get the hell away from some piece of shit that’s needing all up and down on someone to take care of his ass. Ain’t happening. I had to carry a goddamn husband; paid the mortgage, car notes and all after he got into gambling. Why the hell do I need a ball and chain in the guise of man, attached to my leg? I fucking don’t.

      And if I need a ‘hot rod’ so damn bad, I know where the hell ‘Sex World’ is and can drive myself there and pick any size I want…AND…I ain’t got to worry about where it’s been and where it’s going.

      Kelley, I thank you for your comment. ‘Men’ are highly overrated and they think more of themselves than I do!

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      1. You said it all.

        A real man should not be afraid of hearing these things, right!? A companion is nice, but I don’t need one. Intimacy and sex are nice too, but I don’t need those things and especially do not want to engage with a man who is insecure. That is the biggest turn off! No, the biggest turn off is an insecure man who doesn’t even realize/own up to his insecurities.

        When are you coming to Georgia? We need to have tea.

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      2. Now that comment was spot on! I know I have said this before, but I cannot say it enough. When I am on my own and no ‘insecure’ man is breathing down my neck, I do so well. It is only when there has been a man in my life has chaos, pandemonium and bedlam, reigned. Men are the most ‘needy’ bastards in this world and they have the audacity to make it seem as though we are. I cannot tell you how many times I have listened to other women go on and on about how they have had to carry a man’s ass. And I’m like, “Cut him the fuck off! Hell! You can do bad all by yourself! You don’t need any help!” But no, they’ve got to have a man! And to that I’ve said, “You don’t have a man, you have another son!”

        As you can see, I don’t put up with foolishness, even from those I’ve known a long time. If the shit is shitty, I say it is.

        And Kelley, if I could only get away, I gotta tellya, Georgia would be on my road trip list. I should have been on the road, but life gets in the way, if you know what I mean. Things don’t always run the course you want them to, but I have not given up.

        Thank you again for that right on the money comment Kelley!

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      3. Yes! Why don’t they just stay at home with their mothers so they can get all their laundry done, meals made and get gold stars for every little dee they do.

        And I cannot stand when women act like they need a man! They are just as bad as these needy, immature men. I really could go on and on..

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  8. Pingback: I Am Searching for Something I Will Never Find [a reblog] | gray suede

  9. Hello Shelby, I came across this a bit late.

    I agree with you one one thing and disagree on the other.

    Yes the truth is we as men have totally disappointed. And yeah we are evil at heart. But yet I know you can find some men whose hearts have been changed around.

    So you can actually find what you are looking for.

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    1. Hi Derrick! And welcome! Always good to see a new face in here. Although I sincerely appreciate you stating that I can find what I’m looking for and that some men’s hearts have changed around, I’m not so sure about the latter and I am most definitely not looking and I do believe that ship has sailed as far as me attempting to find ‘true’ love. I am the kind of person that can be alone without being lonely. You see, you have never met me, but every place I go, people flock to me like bees to flowers. Just the other day, I was in Atlantic City, NJ and several people started up conversations with me at various intervals and in various places. I met a man from Ireland who told me that he would love to “sweep me off my feet and take me 3,000 miles across the ocean to his home in Ireland. A woman begged me for my phone number so that we could keep in touch. Believe me, my little ‘black book of friends and acquaintances’ is filled.

      I just really don’t want a relationship. I don’t have the time or the energy needed to devote to it. But I’d like to thank you for stopping in and for your comment.

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      1. I have been away for a while. I just read your reply. It is indeed wonderful that you attract alot of friends if that is enough for you. Am sorry you have come to the place where you have stopping trusting there is true love. If I may, allow me ask,

        What are your thoughts and views on God?

        You may wonder, why in the world this question. But I know this very much influences our ”love life” how we believe, know and relate with God. I’d really love to hear your story.

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