I Am Lost And In Despair!


I don’t know what to say, as usual.
The things I want to do never get done.
What I need to do always takes precedence
and I am always left to wonder and to question
just why my life has to be tied up with others
to the point where I can never do for me
the things I think I need to do for my peace of mind?
Why I have not caved and fallen and is down for the count,
I know not why because it is not for want of heavy burdens.
I cannot even bring myself to weep for my tear ducts are dry
and the sad part is that I am not getting any younger,
though I am put upon as though I am in the first bloom of youth.
Never is there any help extended to me, nor arms open to receive me.
There are only urgent matters of others that fall into my lap
waiting to be dealt with by me…always me…only me.
I am running out of time for me since me is always last.
A long, ragged breath held for an eternity must escape
but to where? To where? I am lost and in despair.

Written by,
Shelby I. Courtland
©2016 Shelby I. Courtland

This one probably doesn’t make any sense because I am just so goddamn tired, it’s unreal. I never made it to Baltimore. I got as far as Madison, WI and was in a hotel room recuperating from driving that far when I received a phone call from a hospital stating that my cousin had been hit by a train and had a fractured skull, broken neck, broken back and broken leg and that he was alert and aware and was being prepped for surgery. He fell off the train platform right directly in the path of an oncoming train.

I realize that I am probably feeling self pity for me and that I should just be thankful that my cousin is alive and is expected to make a full recovery…..after extensive rehab, of course. But once more, plans that I had made were, dare I say….derailed? It is quite obvious to me that I am not supposed to make my next stand in Baltimore for why would such a horrendous thing have happened right at the time that I was en-route? I give! I fucking give!

31 thoughts on “I Am Lost And In Despair!

    1. Thank you Rekha. I guess my existence on this planet was so that I could be caregiver to others; anyone but me. I am the first port of call for every single person that I have ever known of because every single time something goes wrong or someone is ill, injured or otherwise fucked up, I get the call. And it certainly did not help that I hold his POA, health care directive and living will since he is mentally unsound. Sigh! It just never stops coming.

      Again, I thank you for your comment Rekha! Take care!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Sorry Shelby, I read only the first part of ypur post and commented. My prayers are with ypu and wish and hope your cousinn recoups soon. May you get all the strength to overcone this. Ypu are brave and kindhearted. You too take xare.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Shelby – I am so sorry to hear bad news from you. It’s amazing how often shit happens. Your cousin is lucky to be alive. It is times like these that we come to a cross roads in life. When we have to make a difficult choice. I have known at least two women in my lifetime that spent their entire lives always being there for others at the cost of their own happiness. Martyrs always there for someone else – never for themselves. In some sense they were manipulated; the burdens of the family were always put on them although they had other brothers and sisters. They were the ones always called -because everyone knew they would always say “yes” even if they didn’t want to say yes. Think about your decision and what YOU want. If you decide to go on to your new life in Baltimore don’t feel guilty. You have a life to lead and you only go around once. Your cousin will get the needed help whether you are there or not. Think about putting yourself first.

    Best wishes whatever you decide.

    Best regards.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Toritto! I am a tortured soul since I am so caring and my concern for others knows no bounds even to the detriment of me. I have been told by so many people that I wear my heart on my sleeve and that I am going to be taken advantage of because of that and I guess, it is true. But I have been this way for so long, I have no idea how to act differently. I suppose that even when they’re lowering me in the ground, I’ll still hear a telephone ringing and it’s someone expecting me to dash into a phone booth, pull off my outer clothing to reveal my ‘Superwoman’ costume. Sigh! Some of us just never learn. But I do thank you for telling me to, for once, put myself first. If only I could heed your, oh so wise advice!


  2. Shelby, I’m so sorry other about your cousin. I too can identify with your feelings. Being a woman means we carry many of the burdens and it can be so draining.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Isn’t that the truth, Leslie? We do tend to carry the burdens of so many others throughout our lives; first with our siblings and our children and then with our parents and in my case, other family members who always look to me to step in when no others will. And like the kind-hearted person I am, I step in. I don’t even know how to draw the line anymore and say, “Enough is enough!” I only wish I did, but it just wouldn’t be me to do that. Sigh!

      Thank you Leslie!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. “It is quite obvious to me that I am not supposed to make my next stand in Baltimore for why would such a horrendous thing have happened right at the time that I was en-route?”
    ~ I believe that you are not meant to be in Baltimore at this time in your life.
    ~ I’m sorry about your cousin. You seem to have a lifelong debt to him. Your karma? Embrace it. Perhaps, therein lies your life’s work of caring for others, of putting others before yourself.
    ~ May you be blessed!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Rosaliene, thank you! I have long pondered why I wanted to go to Baltimore so badly and yet, there was always something that stopped me from doing so and if this is to be a sign, then I must take heed. If I am to put others first, then that is what I am to do, but I cannot leave a person to a ‘system’ and just go on my merry way. I cannot do that. It would tear me up. My cousin and I have a long history as we have been there for one another through thick and through thin for decades and I cannot abandon him now and I will not. If I did, I could not live with myself. Some of us are born caregivers, it would seem and though we sometimes rail against our lot in life, we also know that we cannot change who we are. And at the end of the day, I sleep soundly when I know that I have done, THIS day, all that I could, though my body is tired, my conscience is clear!

      I sincerely thank you for that spot on comment, I really do! And, good to see you!


    1. Thank you Dr. Bramhall! You know what they say about the best laid plans of mice and men. Something’s bound to go awry. And with me, it usually does.

      But thank you for your kind thoughts, they are much appreciated!


  4. Shelby I have lost so many family members , tragic , bros stabbed to death, sister dropped dead of broken heart over her sons custody battle with his father and my beautiful most precious mother and I miss them so much and I am in pain as I write this and I have lost others who are family and I love them all so take this and be grateful for what you have and be blessed and thankful!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Denise, thank you! I will most certainly do that! I am blessed, of that I am in no doubt and I need to continuously make myself aware of this even when it seems to slip away from me just how blessed I am. So long as I am able, I am going to give of myself for that is who and what I am. I hope never to become totally unfeeling, cold and callus to the suffering and horrendous plight of others as that is too much the norm, as it is. There are too few like us and we certainly don’t need to give up our humanity for I do believe that we were put here for a reason. We each have a purpose.

      Again, I thank you!


  5. Hey Shelby, so nice to hear from you again. So sorry to hear about your cousin, I hope he makes a full recovery. You know, there’s a saying, heroes are always there to save the day, but who is there when the hero needs saving?


  6. Shelby, I am truly sorry for your troubles, and hope all will turn out for the best. As Dr. Bramhall said, your cousin is lucky to have your care and support. Some of us do seem born to caregiving, like you and my friend Ruth. At least you do it with infinitely more grace and compassion than I ever manage. Me, I was drafted into this service, though wildly kicking and screaming and trying to hide under the porch. Why didn’t I think to skedaddle to Canada in time? I’m so much better at being selfish and childish!

    But what can you do? If we won’t take care of each other, we’re no better than the heartless blood-sucking billionaires. And who in hell wants to be that bad? Do what you need to keep up your strength and courage, and carry on. – Linda

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Linda, you are to be commended for ALL that you do! You take care of people and you have a big heart as well! You never come up wanting. We need more people like you. We do what we do because of who we are and what makes us, us.

      And you are so right! I would not want to be like those filthy, vile ass creatures that amass a shitload of wealth at the expense of other poor souls, but you see, they have no conscience, heart or soul. You see, people like us, would not be able to sleep at night because of what we had done to others and it would disturb us no end and give us no peace. I like to be able to get into bed and sleep like a baby because I have not the shit that I’ve done to others, clogging up my thoughts, thus causing me sleepless nights. Nor would I want to be one of those motherfuckers that can sleep like a log because they have no heart, conscience or soul. That will never be who we are and even though sometimes, we think that we are quite, put upon, we know that it is because we are only human, but we get up, dust ourselves off and hop to it. Linda, just stay true to who you are and you are the best and I mean that.

      I thank you SO much for your kind comment. It means the world to me as do you!


  7. Shelby, I missed this post. I had thought you were in Baltimore when you wrote about Colin. I’m sorry to hear about your cousin. But might I caution you — knowing from experience as I do from the loss of my father — it is typically the caregiver who suffers the most, physically, mentally, spiritually. So, please look after yourself. The world can’t afford to lose the good ones before their time.

    Peace, strength, courage.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am so sorry to know of your father’s death, Peter. And as you and others have stated, it is those of us who assume the role of caregivers who do an immense amount of suffering. Why, just today, I was busting my back trying to lift a heavy box containing my cousins clothing, shoes, and other essentials to send by UPS to the rehab center and the kind people in UPS saw me struggling with the box and came out with the hand truck and carted it in for me. So, there are people who see us struggling and they come to our assistance. But it does take a toll on me that I am trying to do things all on my own and as I have already stated, I am getting no younger. I even had to use my walker today.

      So, yes, I know that I am going to have to figure something out or I’ll be lying flat on my back and there’ll certainly be no one rushing to assist me. SIGH! Sometimes, we are our own worst enemy.

      Thank you for trying to get me to see that I must take care of me. Your advice is much appreciated. And I will try to take it and run with it.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Our youngest son (who just turned 39) is mentally handicapped, so I know how difficult your situation is — as others have said, take time for yourself b/c you are too important to a great many people who do not want to lose you! I know when there are things that MUST be done for those we love, we can’t just simply shut the world out, but we all need to take time to recoup and regroup so that we can go on to fight the war another day!
    **This comment is good for one long, hot relaxing bath and a back rub, payable upon demand!** 🙂
    Pwr 2 the CAREGIVING peons!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Wolfess! You know what I am going through. Your comment made me smile and that is not an easy thing for me to do these days and so I thank you also for that. Yes, it is extremely hard some times when you have no one that you can turn to and someone is so dependent upon you that you just feel overwhelmed and at your wits end as I do. But I don’t know what else to do. I cannot turn my back on him and there is no one who is willing to step up to the plate and help me deal with the stress. There is no ‘system’, really because the ‘system’ could care less about his real needs. I don’t know what the answer is, I really don’t since it is just not in me to abandon people I care about to those who don’t even bother to earn their paycheck. I have never seen such heartless disregard for people who are going through what my cousin is going through and one doctor told me that he wishes more of his patients had someone in their corner like I am in my cousin’s. He sees this far too little.

      That long, hot relaxing bath and backrub sounds wonderful. Would that I could indulge in that luxury. Who knows. One of these days, those of us who care tremendously may just get a reprieve. Thank you Wolfess! Your comment and the sentiment behind it mean the world to me! I hope you and Leen61 are doing great!


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