The Day Before My Birthday!

birthday

The day before my birthday
is a melancholy one.
I sit here contemplating
what I should do for fun.

Would a trip to New York
be just the thing for me?
 Or should I relax in the tub
and go on a shopping spree?

As I reflect on my life,
I wonder what would I miss
if I never saw another day?
 Would I still live like this?

Did I ever touch one single heart
or let someone know I cared?
Was I always just too shallow
since love, I never shared?

What a loveless life I’ve lived.
With no thought for those I hurt.
I just pack and move elsewhere
like some twenty year old flirt.

It’s always been about me.
I’ve never lived for another.
This aimless life, I choose
when faced with love, I burn rubber.

Written by,
Shelby I. Courtland
©2016 Shelby I. Courtland

I don’t know where this came from, I really don’t except for the fact that I always get a little maudlin around my birthday because of the fact that I’m on the ‘wrong’ side of 25 and each year causes me to reflect a little bit deeper and this year, I’ve gone even deeper.

I remember when I was a child, I could not wait for my birthday because we were treated like a princess for the day; a big birthday party with so many friends over and lots and lots of gifts and all my favorite foods including my favorite cake. And now, it’s like, WOAH! What the hell??!! It’s like before I can blink twice, it’s my birthday again and all the gifts and hoopla still don’t make up for the fact that I’m getting older and older and feeling it. Oh well. I’ll get over it. I just wondered if anyone else over 25 experiences anything similar or do you just take it all in stride. I hope not too many are like me who cannot dwell in the present, but must forever look back on the past and compare it to today, most unfavorably.

36 thoughts on “The Day Before My Birthday!

  1. You may not believe this, but I used to have this problem and it went away when I reduced the sugar in my diet and started taking probiotics. I am literally gobsmacked at the effect my digestion has on my mood and my ability to get along with people.

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    • Dr. Bramhall, thanks for the advice. Since returning to Baltimore, I have increased my sugar intake thanks to eating tubs of candied yams, sweet corn on the cob and I also found a new taste in champagnes that’s sweet. And maybe this does have something to do with my mood. However, I do tend to get a bit moody around my birthday each and every year. My expectations tend to be high and I am always disappointed when my birthday ends because I always feel as though I did not celebrate it enough. The day after is always tough for me to get through because it’s over and my reign as birthday girl is over and so are all the well wishes. I am still stuck in my childhood. Okay, doc, I guess I need to spend some time on your couch and get evaluated and set up for therapy sessions. Care to come out of retirement Dr. Bramhall? LOL! Just kidding.

      And thanks again for the advice. I am going to cut back on the sweet stuff for awhile and see if that helps. It’s just that I went wild for this delicious food here. There was never anything like it in Menacesnowta!

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  2. Shelby, Birthdays were never the same for me once I had to make my own cake. I’d still like to have a bouncy castle to jump on, just once. Of course, I’d probably dislocate a hip or something. But I can still do handstands … I just don’t need to stay up as long as when I was twelve. Oh yes, hope you have a happy, hell-raising birthday! – Linda

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    • Linda, you get it! You really get it! That’s it! Birthdays are never the same when we have to bake our own cake. With all the shit that went down in my childhood, one of the things that will always stay with me is how our birthdays were celebrated. My parents actually behaved themselves and really went out of their way to make our birthdays something especially…well….special and that just never left me. I am not saying that I would take it to the extreme like Michael Jackson did with his building of Never Land, but some of the wonders of childhood just leave me wanting it even as I’ve grown into an adult. Most of my toys are still up in the attic. Hell! Maybe I should brave mother’s wrath and head south and straight for the attic and dust off my toys and play with them to my heart’s content. I dare not ask her to bake me a cake or fix my favorite childhood meal as I have an idea what her reaction would be.

      Anyway, I’ve been told by someone special that they’ve planned something for me tomorrow and that it’s a secret. So, I have no idea what I’ll be up to tomorrow, but it had better be good..and I’m sure that it will be as they know that I have great expectations for my birthday! Ever the ‘childish’ one, I am. I still throw temper tantrums if I don’t get my way. LOL! But actually, I’m not kidding.

      Linda, I thank you for your kind and right on time comment. It was much appreciated!

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  3. I think it’s natural for us to reflect on the past, especially if we think it was “better” than today or much worse. We can either use it to propel us into a greater future… or dwell in something we can’t change.

    I say take time to dwell a lil teeny tiny bit, then celebrate all you’ve done right.

    Happy birthday! Enjoy it!! ❤

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    • Kelley, you are such an inspiration to me, you have no idea. And you are so right, I should dwell on it just a little and then put it aside and LIVE! Life is to be lived and I should not continuously search through the annals of history to decide whether today is much worse or better than my life was, say…10 years ago. I think that I am much too hard on myself. That has always been one of my bad points. Other people tell me that I hold myself up to too high a standard and that I do so because I am a perfectionist. Many of us who dabble in the arts are perfectionists and we expect perfection from ourselves and throughout our lives and when we see that we are sadly lacking in certain areas, we go nuts.

      I am going to let up on myself, let my hair down and be the free spirit that I usually am. This ‘maudlin’ mess is for the birds. Of course it does help that cocktail hour(s) has commenced. And so whatever I shall be doing tomorrow, sadness, longing for the past and feeling blue should not be a part of it.

      Kelley, I thank you so much for your comment. It helped me more than you know! And thank you for the birthday wishes!

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  4. Shelby, you’re a Libra (so am I) and that explains a lot. You have a fine sense of justice and you bristle when it’s violated. Don’t look back, my dear woman, you have do much to make this a better world.
    Leslie

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    • Leslie, you are so right! I was reading up on Libra people and it fits me to a T. We abhor injustice. We need balance, hence the scales and we are talented, charismatic and beautiful and if we are crossed, the devil better duck.

      And at this time in my life, I am trying to figure out what organization I want to start that helps people. I want to get it right and I need to brainstorm and get some input. I’ve enjoyed Baltimore, but it is now time to roll my sleeves up and do something constructive. After my birthday tomorrow, I shall be looking into starting a foundation to help people. There is just such a big need all around, I am having trouble in deciding what my foundation’s main purpose will be. I will keep you guys posted when I get everything figured out.

      So, I want to thank you for making me see the light. And a Happy Birthday to you as well because you’ve either had a birthday or you’re about to have one. Librans rock! Oh yes we do!

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  5. Shelby, happy birthday fellow Libra! I like to think after 25 is the better side that opens up many more opportunities and life experiences. You are definitely offering a lot of wisdom to the people and that is truly one of the best things to do out in the wild world. Happy birthday and stay cool!

    PS-Did you ever make it to B-More? 🙂

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    • Wow! Gosh and golly gee! Another Libra! We are the cream of the crop, us Libra people! And either a Happy Birthday to you or a belated Happy Birthday to you because you’ve either had a birthday or you are about to have a birthday! YAAAAY!!

      Thank you so much for your kind words about me offering up wisdom as that means a great deal to me. It always does when people acknowledge my writings, rants and raves and attempts at poetry.

      And yes indeed, I did make it to Baltimore(see my post…”Baltimore….In Pictures”) and I love it! I am out the door right now because someone here is literally pulling me away from this computer so that I can begin enjoying myself. It is too early in the morning for me as I am a night person, but this person is insistent. So, have a wonderful day as I begin to celebrate my birthday.

      Again, thank you so much for the well wishes. I appreciate them!

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    • Xena, I am dancing and laughing because this song is just what I needed! I cannot thank you enough! Bless your beautiful, thoughtful and wonderful heart! You are the BEST!!! I will treasure this always and it is going to get lots and lots of plays!!

      Again, I thank you SO very much!

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  6. Happy birthday, Shelby. I’d wish you a long life, as tradition would have it, but it’s not a wish I’d want for myself. My fear in life is a life long enough to see all I love die, wither and dwindle away. Scary too is the thought that we might reincarnate back to this hellhole, or worse yet end up in some Christina shit heaven. Anyway, enough negativity, I hope you have one hell of a time for your birthday!

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    • Thank you Peter! And again, I want to apologize for the lateness in getting back to your comment. I am so sincerely sorry, you have no idea. Again, Peter, I thank you! My birthday was everything I could have hoped for and then some!

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  7. I don’t do birthdays anymore. It is a made up concept to keep us in a cycle. The calendar is made up as well. Think about it just as you said, you think you’re getting older, therefore you get older. Our thoughts manifest into our reality. Black people before being colonized lived for years upon years of healthy lives because we thought differently than we do today. We thought like Gods and lived like them as well. I’m just a working to get back to we were once were.

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