Real News!

 

President Donald J. Trump stunned Twitter today when he tweeted, “I would like to host Kim Jong Un at Mar-a-Lago soon.” Right on cue, Dennis Rodman tweeted, “Invite me and I will translate for you!” Not to be outdone, Trump tweeted, “No need for you Rodman, I speak Asian!” The staff at Mar-a-Lago has been instructed to ready the Oriental Room for Kim Jong Un. Special instructions have also been given to the chef. Special food items requested by Kim Jong Un include the Mar-a-Lago chef’s version of the Whopper, the Grand Big Mac, the Wendy’s Double Burger and two Sonic styled corn dogs. Kim Jong Un stated that due to sanctions against North Korea, he is unable to acquire these treats and he has always wanted to sample  American fast food. The poor man knows not what he is in for. And after eating these American ‘treats’, war WILL soon follow.

Now this is quite a turnaround from, “Kim Jong Un is a very, very bad hombre and North Korea has got to go ‘boom-boom’,” was Donald Trump’s response when questioned about what he intended to do with North Korea’s rogue leader before heading to a rally in Pennsylvania this past Saturday. Trump told his supporters that North Korea was a very real nuclear threat and that if diplomacy fails, a nuclear confrontation will ensue since all options are on the table. It has been reported that the North Koreans were keeping tabs on Trump’s whereabouts on Saturday via a spy satellite installed in space by the Syrians as the spy satellite was behind the Syrian regime’s victorious offensive against the 59 missile barrage leveled at them by the U.S. military. Only two missiles actually struck close to their targets. All others struck a nearby junkyard containing old Toyota pickup trucks that were discarded by ISIS members.

In other news, officials in Afghanistan changed their initial reports that 94 insurgents had been killed by the MOAB(Mother of All Bombs) to only 2 and that Trump ordered the MOAB to be dropped on camel corrals and chicken coops in the northern province of Nangarhar. Two shepherds; one who was in charge of herding the camels and one who was feeding the chickens were killed. Animal rights watch groups are crying “Fowl!” since this was in clear violation of the “Do Not Bomb Camel Corrals And Chicken Coops Agreement.” The ICC is expected to take the matter up next May. However, no one in Afghanistan is said to be holding their breath that anything will come out of this other than that more MOABs will be dropped on innocent animal targets.

A spokesperson for the Taliban announced that the U.S. military was in violation of its policies to end the drug trade in America by refusing to help them destroy the poppy fields in Afghanistan. The Taliban has accused the U.S. military of lying about its mission in Afghanistan. The Pentagon weighed in on this and was quoted as saying, “We are in no way attempting to stop the flow of opium from Afghanistan. Our mission is to see to it that not one Afghan citizen becomes addicted to opioids and the only way to insure this is to assign U.S military soldiers to guard the poppy plants and to make sure that when they are harvested, they are sent directly to the United States whereupon they will be burned immediately.” Meanwhile, a fierce battle is raging between the Taliban and U.S. soldiers over a Monopoly board game that was destroyed while both were fighting over the poppy fields in Bang-a-tart. A Clue game was flown in from Saudi Arabia in an attempt to get the two sides to forget about the destroyed Monopoly board game and to instead, focus on solving a centuries old crime of “Who shot the butler?”

Meanwhile, on the home front, malls and retails stores have been in the news recently for shuttering their doors by the thousands. The store closures are on pace to set a new record and this phenomenon has been blamed on Amazondotcom. It has been suggested by multiple economists that Amazon is simply stealing sales from brick and mortar stores since there are no poor people in America and rents have been on the decline for decades. However, a new problem has emerged; one that has upset Donald Trump, greatly. GM announced to Trump this morning via Twitter that “Big summer shutdowns loom for US auto plants as sales sputter.” As many of us had heard, Trump took the credit for keeping automakers in the U.S. But now, Trump is accusing GM of trying to make him look bad by claiming that sales are sputtering and plants are going to close for weeks on end this summer. Trump had this to say to GM a few minutes ago. “GM is trying to steal my thunder and I wont have it. Sell those cars!” GM had no further comment in response to Trump’s latest tweet. But a leading economist, Herbert Wreck told Real News that the car sales sputter is not really a sputter since people have been buying their cars on Amazondotcom and that Amazondotcom posted revenue in the billions last quarter on car sales alone. And thanks to Amazondotcom, the American economy is gaining traction and this will counter any suggestions of an upcoming economic downturn.

On another note, Pepsi is in the spotlight again. It would appear that on May Day, there were multiple protests all across the U.S. But in Portland, Oregon where protesters tried their best to mimic Kendall Jenner’s role in a recent Pepsi ad by attempting to hand the cops a can of Pepsi, the reaction that Kendall Jenner received from cops was not quite what happened to the protesters in Portland. One protester, who was dressed just like Jenner, extended a can of Pepsi to a police officer, who just completely ignored the ‘olive branch’ that was extended to him. Upon realizing that the police would not accept a heartfelt gift from the Kendall Jenner lookalike, the protester then threw the can of Pepsi at the police and a riot ensued whereas multiple cans of Pepsi were sent flying towards the police line in front of the protesters. Several people pulled out their smartphones in an attempt to reach Kendall Jenner to beg her to come to the protest and hand a can of Pepsi to the cops since it wasn’t working when others tried to follow her lead. Jenner was unavailable and sent Caitlyn Jenner in her stead. This switch appeared not to go over well with the police either and several arrests were made. Since the police had no idea which holding cell to place Caitlyn Jenner in, Jenner was released after receiving an admonishment from the police to refrain from participating in any future protests. Jenner agreed and left the scene in an unmarked Hummer.

Meanwhile, Pepsi protesters were loaded into police vans and hauled off to jail, charged with inciting a riot by insisting on giving cops Pepsi and for refusing to disburse when ordered to do so and for causing damage to a patrol car and several police uniforms. The protesters are calling on the Pepsi Company to pay their bail and for the damages caused by the Pepsi cans that were used in their attempts to befriend the police by asking them to enjoy a Pepsi with them instead of getting beaten and arrested by them while they were exercising their right to peacefully protest. Apparently, people do not understand that commercials do not reflect reality; especially Pepsi commercials featuring Kendall Jenner. No word as yet on whether or not the protesters bail and damages will be paid for by the Pepsi Company.

In local news, a new and daring act that would rival anything done by daredevil, Evel Knievel, two fools in Baltimore, Maryland hitched a ride on the back of an MTA bus and rode it around town and residents when questioned what they thought of this,  were aghast while others laughed and said, “It’s what I intend to do whenever I don’t have bus fare.” A police spokesperson weighed in stating, “We are still looking for these two and when we find them, they will be charged with being stupid, it carries a fine of $20.00 and two months probation. This should discourage others from attempting this foolish stunt.”

And so that, folks, is the ‘Real News’ for today. Stay tuned for upcoming segments of ‘Real News’ brought to you weekly.