Trump’s First SOTU

“Good evening my fellow Americans. First of all, I want to assure all Americans, true Americans, that is, that I will not include in this address to the nation, any FAKE NEWS! That is CNN’s job.”

“As we celebrate America, the greatest and most exceptional country on the planet, we understand that to make America great again means to get rid of the Statue of Liberty which I never thought belonged here in the first place. Why do we want poor people from shithole countries? We don’t want the tired and poor huddled masses here raping our young white virginal girls with their filthy Mexican hands. And that is why I propose to build that wall to keep those raping Mexicans from crossing over until I need some housekeepers at Mar-a-Lago.”

“I realize that I took a lot of hits for my ‘shithole countries’ remarks when referring to people coming from Haiti and African countries, but those people who live in those shitholes are thanking me for exposing to the world, what they already know. And of course, FAKE NEWS didn’t print that.”

“However, there is much ground to cover tonight and without further ado, I shall get the show on the road. First up, we will soon have my new immigration bill signed into law and we will ignore any injunctions because a mere judge cannot undo what the President of the United States has signed into law. I am sick and tired of being told that I must answer to a higher power when there can be no higher power than the President of this great country. My new immigration bill covers not only the basics for keeping unwanted immigrants from migrating here, but this bill will also remove those who are still dreaming of remaining here. The Dreamers have been dreaming for far too long and it is quite past time that we turned their dreams into plane rides back to where their parents came from. I am quite sure that Honduras, Guadalupe, Guatemala, Cinco de Mayo and Trinidad and Tobago would welcome their people back to Latin America. America is not the only country that grows vegetables and those people who are here illegally are needed to work the fields in their parents original country of birth.”

“Next, we have to fix our infrastructure here in America because America’s infrastructure has been neglected for far too long and that is why I have signed a new executive order giving FrackAway Corporation, the absolute rights to fracking in Oklahoma, New Mexico, Stalingrad and Kansas with the assurance that there will be no serious and sustained damage to the earth and nearby drinking water wells of local residents and these people will thank me later when the price of gas goes way, way down and remains low. We will no longer be dependent on foreign oil and I have also been assured by the FrackAway Corporation that they also specialize in windmills. I want one for Mar-a-Lago and they are going to install it. Windmills remind me of those cute little pinwheels I had when I was a child and now that I’m an adult, I need adult toys.”

“What I want to do now is to introduce to you, Sgt. Dead Man Walking, Sgt. Walking has been deployed nine times to Afghanistan and since he has been in that country so long, he has been declared an Afghan citizen and he has agreed to help with the negotiations with the Taliban on getting the opium out of Afghanistan much faster than we have been able to manage thus far. By cutting down on the paperwork, Sgt. Walking will expedite the process that normally takes 19 days into a 5 day time frame from the time the plant is stripped to the time it lands at our secret Air Force base in Area 59.”

“I do realize that FAKE NEWS has been accusing me of using Twitter too much but I have been assured by Twitter that I make far less use of their services than my predecessor George W. Bush. It is my understanding that Bush and his playmate Condasleezie Rice had secret user names and they used Twitter to make secret assignations which were of course, kept secret until I inquired into Twitter usage of past presidents. Unlike what FAKE NEWS would have you believe, I am hard at work trying to make sure that I use my time to actually get things done. I have also cut my golf games down to 26 a day, 6 days a week. It was difficult, but I want the American people to know that I will not rest until every American has what he/she needs in order to be a viable asset to this great company…I mean, country.”

“Someone just whispered into my earpiece that a rumor is going around since my wife showed up here by her lonesome. Well, let me stop the rumormongers in their tracks right now. Melania came in alone at my request. I have told her time and time again that when I am dallying with another lady friend, the lady friend is apt to get jealous if she sees us together too much and that out of respect for her, my lady friend, that is, I must insist that she attend to her First Lady duties on her own. We are both adults and she does not need to hold my hand every single day.”

“Now then, it has come to my attention that some of you are still shocked and appalled that I won the presidency; stripped right from underneath ole Hillary over there! What can I say, there are just not enough Black Supremacists to counter the White Supremacists and the Black Nationalists are just now gaining their membership while the White Nationalists have been at it since 1602. And now with ANTIFA strutting around, we’ve got ourselves a big ole case of group segregation going on. What we need is yet another uncivil war to get this mess all straightened out because a house united must be divided and I aim to do just that.”

“And finally, I know that some of you are wondering why I have not fired the entire FBI and that is because I have secretly rendered that agency, impotent. The FBI no longer has the clout it once had. These so-called ‘investigations’ into my family’s affairs will cease because the Trump name and brand is spotless. We have no skeletons in our closets and despite every attempt by the Democrats, who by the way, are still suffering from their massive defeat blaming me for their losses, we are still managing to get things done because even the republicans who did not want to work with me in the beginning have come over to my side and my way of thinking. And by all means, light Twitter up tomorrow to show your support for the new tax overhaul bill, for the immigration bill and for the fact that you love number 45!”

“To the American people, the TRUE American people, I wish you a good night and to the dREAMERS, your planes are ready for takeoff!”

6 thoughts on “Trump’s First SOTU

  1. Pure genius. Although I didn’t tune into the Unstable State of the Union Address nonsense, I think this is an accurate reading between the lines translation. Excellent!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That makes two of us. I didn’t tune in either. I just glanced at some headlines the day after this SOTU and gleaned an understanding of what took place. There was no way in hell that I was going to sit up and watch that absolute nonsense, no way in hell! I can’t even stand seeing Trump’s mug plastered on my sign in screen, much less am I going to willingly tune in to see him. But it was not hard to figure out what his speech would entail because he has been giving out hints left and right.

      So, even though I did not see the speech, nor read a transcript of it, I am pretty sure that I am not hardly off base. LOL! I only wish!

      Thank you for your comment Peter!

      Like

    1. Dr. Bramhall, as stupid as Trump is and I am extremely familiar with stupid having been born and reared in the South, it was not hard to do. In fact, it was waaaay too easy! And I did not even look at the event, nor read a transcript of it. Trump is just too easy to read! I didn’t even need my ‘gypsy’ blood to come to the forefront to help me out with this one. LOL!

      Dr. Bramhall, I thank you for your comment.

      Like

  2. Thank you so much for this fabulously accurate piece of high humor, Shelby. I have read some parodies on Trump but none hits its mark better than yours, and that includes some very high volume publications. I much enjoyed your deft dropping of perfect Trumpish non-sequiturs. A few pièces de résistance: Cinco de Mayo, Stalingrad, great company, a house united must be divided, dREAMERS.
    Keep up the grand work and fine style, my friend!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Bill, thank you so much! As I read this one back, I can’t help but fall on the floor laughing because it is just SO Trump! If I don’t find some way to laugh over this spectacle that IS Trump, I shall surely cry and so I choose to make fun of him over sitting somewhere shedding tears of frustration over this clueless, inept, bigoted, megalomaniac!

      I am so glad that you enjoyed this one as I much enjoyed putting it together and others must be enjoying it as well since it is my top post of the day!

      Again, thank you for that most wonderful compliment on this one! It means much to me. You have no idea!!

      Like

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