Through Red And Angry Eyes!

 

When I first started blogging,
I was gentle as a lamb.
But today, my rants and ravings
couldn’t compete in a poetry slam.

Oh I come out smoking hot,
full of rage and indignation
at a society of clueless cretins
who compound my own frustration.

When I said my pen was drained,
just a few short years ago,
I should have thrown in the towel,
but what kept me going was my ego.

I was such an attention seeker
who was so pleased with what I wrote,
I quite forgot to temper my anger
and on my own bile, I almost choke.

I’ve written many a poem
and what I once thought of as prose,
but now I foam at the mouth
and no poem, can I compose.

Through red and angry eyes,
I view the world with a vengeful gaze.
I no longer believe in humanity
or think there is hope for better days.

Written by,
Shelby I. Courtland
©2018 Shelby I. Courtland

I remember when I first started blogging, I was inspired and had not yet been tainted by all of the things that have now made me rage and lash out at the world. I am filled with such a white hot blazing anger that some times, I quite fear that I shall go mad. I used to pen poems about the homeless and oh how sincere I was. That is why I titled this blog, “Bringing Social Issues To The Forefront,” because I wanted to highlight the societal ills that affected so many people. I wanted to try and shed a spotlight on those who are forgotten, overlooked and ignored. I wanted to shed a light on human suffering, but by doing so, I suffered for it. Those of us who are truly caring, apparently, can only take but so much before it starts tearing away at our very soul. I am becoming something I once abhorred; a cold, callous, hateful and vengeful person who has lost her way.

I cannot find in me the poetry that once used to flow so freely from my mind to my fingers. And that is why I don’t post poems anymore. I just don’t have them in me; not the ones that I look back on and read and I can tell that I put deep feeling into them; they are me. What I write now is what I have turned into.

There have been so many people that I have fallen out with who I used to hold in high esteem, but because of what I allowed in, I’ve cussed people out, called them out and have hurt people and that was never who I was, but that is who I am now. We are letting the evil that is in the very air we breathe into our bodies and that evil is building in strength and we are hating each other because we have allowed others to feed us their hate, their callousness, their disregard for human life, their greed, their selfishness and their depravity and we have, some of us that is, swallowed it down and brought it back up. We are consumed with hatred for each other like I’ve never seen before and I am quite guilty of this. Most days I am livid from the time I wake up until the time I close my eyes in sleep and I carry this around with me every single day. I do not like what I have become and if I continue to feed the flames of hatefulness that has consumed so many, I can no longer take the high road. I must admit that I am just like them.

And lastly, I did not even heed the words of my own poem, “Yield Not To Temptation!”

19 thoughts on “Through Red And Angry Eyes!

  1. No you’re NOT like one of them! You can SEE what is all around you. You have a moral compass. You have a sense of justice. It just seems there are very few of us left. But take hope. Hundreds of thousands of the young march today in Washington while protest continues in Sacremeno. Take heart. Happy Easter!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you toritto! Happy Easter to you as well! I have been so consumed with rage that I did not even know it was almost Easter. I see, but what do I DO? Why, I spew vitriol every time I put up a post. I am not even sure that any of my message from the last post I put together is even clear thanks in part to the fact that I was quite actually foaming at the mouth while typing it. I have truly become a thing that’s resembling something rabid instead of ‘human’. I can no longer put a damper on my rage. I just let loose and damn the consequences.

      But yes, it is heartening to know that there are so many young people who are out marching in the streets so that hopefully, they will have a future as many of us adults are failing them, miserably. It did my heart good to see the pictures of so many who took to the streets. Would that it will do some good both across the U.S. for gun control laws and in Sacramento and elsewhere against cops killing mostly descendants of slaves, with impunity.

      Toritto, again, I thank you for your comment. It was so thoughtful of you to write it. I appreciate it.

      Liked by 2 people

    • You know, Kelley, a part of me does and yet a part of me does not. If I have allowed my enemies to mold me into what I am now, I don’t know, maybe I should just accept it and run with it because I am not the type to ‘turn the other cheek’. If a person gets kicked in the face, time and time again, I don’t believe that they are going to continue to go meekly around getting kicked in the face and remain the same.

      I have seen too much. I have been subjected to too much and I do believe that that changes a person. I think I need to accept that the changes that I see in me are, for better or for worse, here to stay. Do I still care about others? Yes, but at the same time, I cannot see injustices perpetrated against people for something they have no control over and not be consumed with rage and this, I must understand. Are there other ways to get a point across than the way I get mine across? Of course! But how I get my point across is the way it’s going to be.

      Kelley, I thank you for your comment. It invoked thought and still, I am not sure if I’ve come to an understanding of where I go from here.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. There is such courageous honesty, depth and power in your reflection, Shelby. How can one with a caring heart avoid outrage at the state of the world today? It needs to be faced and expressed.

    Yet, like you, I don’t want to add to the anger and sense of hopelessness that is already so pervasive. It’s forced me to go deeper and contemplate how my Ojibwe ancestors found a way to survive without becoming consumed by despair, hatred, and negativity. In quiet moments, that helps me to be grateful and focus on what I love (my family, nature, dear friends) and the small things I have learned about resisting through little things. I don’t expect others to understand how hard that is,

    I appreciate your voice and perspectives. It is important to speak one’s truth in the ways that one can.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I cannot express how much I appreciate your comment Carol because you of all people, have many reasons to feel what I have expressed here and yet, you are finding ways to not let all of the negativity and evil that abounds, get to you and turn you into something you don’t really want to be. I applaud your strength and focus. I, too, have tried so many times to commune with nature; to take a breather and unplug myself from not just the matrix, but from my own day-to-day reality and yet, it always seems to come back, in spades. What I have expressed here eventually seeps back in and exhausts me until I finally give in to the rage that builds up from the unrelenting attacks. They never let up. It is hard to maintain some sort of stability of emotion when I am bombarded with injustices and that is one thing I SO hate; injustices perpetrated against the innocent. That really gets to me. What I can do about it? I don’t know, but it did help to try and express how I feel.

      Again, I thank you so very much for your comment. It is much appreciated.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Your reflections touched me deeply, Shelby. You have so powerfully expressed challenges so many people face. I have dealt the sorrow, anger, and despair you describe almost every day during my long life, and still do. This morning, I read a post that describes, in part, some of the wisdom that helped our ancestors survive: https://shatara46.wordpress.com/2018/03/25/presenting-oriah-mountain-dreamer/.

        The questions life forces me to answer again and again are how to find the strength, humanity, and humility to be true to who I am at the deepest level regardless of what others do, and how to forgive myself when I fail and still keep trying.

        I send my best wishes to you.

        Like

  3. “We are letting the evil that is in the very air we breathe into our bodies and that evil is building in strength and we are hating each other because we have allowed others to feed us their hate, their callousness, their disregard for human life, their greed, their selfishness and their depravity.”

    Capitalism does really horrible things to people, Shelby. We are all deeply traumatized. I think we have no choice but to accept that as a starting point.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you for that Dr. Bramhall. You are also correct in that “we are all deeply traumatized” because it would be a lie for me to deny that. As sensitive as I am to what others go through, I cannot turn away and pretend that people aren’t getting hurt, becoming homeless and dying thanks in a big way to capitalism. If there was just some way that we could destroy this system, but there seems to be no way out. The ‘elite’s keep winning while we keep losing and this is all just SO very wrong! And yet, the people are brainwashed and hypnotized with trinkets and seem unaware of their plight until it affects them, personally. Not many seem to be looking at the BIG picture and this, I just cannot understand and that also angers me.

      Dr. Bramhall, I thank again for your most thoughtful comment.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I relate to this poem so much. For me, I’ve internalized my anger with all the injustices in the world as well as the hurt done to me. In real life, I smile and do my best to be polite and kind. I rarely ever raise my voice. However, I can’t ignore the stupid things and the bad things, so I had to vent about different topics. Whether it’s my own life, or mentioning stories no one’s talking about, I feel a need to read and write with those red and angry eyes like I was Kurapika from Hunter X Hunter if you pardon the anime reference.

    You’re not alone. You’re just braver than I am when it comes to expressing that anger. I wish I could be more in-your-face with people when the times call for it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ospreyshire, thank you SO much for the compliment on this one. It is much appreciated. Yes, I wrote this one because I too, am sick and damn tired of smiling and pretending that ‘all is well’ when it is not and it would seem, is never going to be well.As a person with nothing to lose, I can express myself with an “in-your-face” attitude because the shit that’s making us consumed with rage is in OUR face, day in and day out. If this is the only way that I can beat back against that, then I will. Also, in my day-to-day dealings, I don’t spare anyone’s feelings. I am virtually a one woman wrecking crew and i make no apologies for it for what have I to lose? Not a goddamn thing! I refuse to be cowed by these rabid racists that are on our ass for something that their fucking useless, lazy ass ancestors put into play. I am not over here because I want to be. I am over here because my ancestors were dragged here against their will, kicking and screaming. That shit’s not on me but these rabid racists act as though it is. Fuck ’em! I’ll not let up. They don’t and neither will I.

      Again, I thank you for your comment.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Sure thing, Shelby. I know I’ve been having that feeling even more so now. I get even more upset that when I get angry, I get treated like I’m the bad guy no matter what. It’s awesome how you’re doing this and making no apologies for it. I for one have a bad habit of apologizing too much even when I don’t have to. I wish I could lead a life without saying sorry. It’s certainly the same when it comes to a good portion of my family and I know which countries my ancestors came from on one side of my family now. It’s been cathartic talking about these things online and real life even when it’s uncomfortable.

        You’re welcome.

        Like

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