A Letter To My Mother On Her 77th Birthday! Happy Birthday Mother

 

Happy Birthday Mother!

Yes, you brought me into this world;
a squalling little Black baby girl.
You belittled everything I ever did
and you beat me for nothing when I was a kid.

You want me to honor, love and respect you
when what I did was from you, take my cue.
I have never known what love is and I never will.
Not one tear for love will my eyes ever spill.

I’ve been called cold, callous and cruel,
but never have I been called, “love’s favorite fool.”
I know that this should be all about your day,
and it is in its own strange and morbid way.

There is just something that needs saying
because in this town where you live, I’m not staying.
I have come running every time you’ve ever called
and listened to each admonishment on my character, you’ve drawled.

That stops here and now because I don’t need you anymore.
I never really did but I’ve just got to settle the score.
When you talked about me to your acquaintances, that hurt.
But knowing what you are mother, I’m an expert.

I’ve watched you down through the years
send people packing with words sharper than shears.
I’ve listened to you drone on about how great you are
when you are too evil and wicked for hell by far.

You’ve got foul names for everyone you ever meet.
The language you use, the derogatory names, you bleat
to anyone who will come within your reach.
You sit on your ass and search for an invective to screech.

Then you have the nerve to wonder why you sit home alone
and that to this very day, there’s nothing for you to atone.
But your day is coming mother. It may not be here yet,
but then again, you may already be paying your debt.

Your favorite one of us died from drugs years ago
and the man you couldn’t leave hated your ass from the get-go.
Even his friends said he died to get away from you
and this I can believe because I’d do the same thing too.

So sit in your big falling down house and think,
think of all the reasons why you should take to drink.
Believe that you are good and that all others are at fault
And you’ll still deny your evilness when they lower you in that vault.

And lower you they will mother, for we must all go that route.
But don’t you think for one second that your ‘goodness’, I will tout.
You are evil personified and though I may drop dead first,
at least I’ll have the pleasure of knowing that your ass is accursed.

You will lie beside a man who hated you to the end.
Your youngest died years ago and she was a dope fiend.
And yet you blame us for problems we never placed at your door
even though you share the blame because we are what you bore!

Written by,
Shelby I. Courtland
©2019 Shelby I. Courtland

I am going to attempt to find the words to convey just what emotions you evoke in me mother; hate, disgust, loathing and yes…pity, for you are so despicable, nasty and hateful that no one wants to come around you and I actually pity you. I spent so many years trying to gain affection from you that was never yours to give because you hate yourself. You loathe yourself for why else would you stay with a man who, when you were pregnant with me, your first baby, threw you a quarter when you told him you were hungry and he said, upon throwing you a quarter, “Here, I wouldn’t want to see a dog hungry.” And yet you thought so little of yourself that not only did you continue to lie with that slug, you brought two more children into this world to be condemned to live with two people who hated each other. We learned to hate as well.

I used to think that the house we lived in was haunted because all of a sudden, everyone inside it would go the fuck off and get to cussing each other out for no apparent reason. I watched on so many occasions, that sperm donor we were supposed to call, “Dad,” come in and beat your ass! Every weekend it was, wasn’t it mother? And what did you do? Why you went to the police station, pressed charges and three days later, your husband…our father was back inside the house. And it was going to be just a matter of time before it happened again and again and again. And yet, you expected us to grow into healthy, mentally strong adults when we had no guidance whatsoever from the likes of you and our sperm donor dad. I sit somewhere posting poems for a sister who you showered with whatever your brand of ‘affection’ can be called simply because she was lighter than myself and my other sister. I remember you making us go to bed when the sun was still out in the summer just because dad hadn’t come home from work and you knew where he was. Like that was our fault. You would get us up in the middle of the night and take us to illegal ‘nip’ joints that sold bootleg liquor just because you saw dad’s car parked there. Small children we were and in our nightclothes and yet you told us to “Go in and find your daddy!” You knew what would happen when we did because any attention from him was better than no attention from him. You were mentally ill then and you still are. We just didn’t know it. We longed for you to leave. We’d have been better off if you had. But no, you had to continue to tell anyone who would listen just how put upon you were, just how long suffering you were. Oh, the pity parties you threw. How I hate you! And though so many of your ‘acquaintances’ have dropped dead, there you still sit, in your misery and hatefulness and spitefulness, you manipulative control freak. The saying is, “You can’t kill the devil!” And ‘they’ must be right because you’re still sitting above ground. The devil doesn’t even want your foul ass and no wonder!

Well mother, I could continue in this vein, but you know what you’ve done. I needn’t display ALL of what you think are your dirty little secrets. But newsflash mother! No one has ever bought that bullshit! No one! So save it! That is why no one comes around you anymore because they don’t want to hear you laud yourself to all and sundry when everyone knows what a miserable piece of shit you really are. Deal with what you are and come to terms with it. The rest of us have. And so with that having been said, “Go to hell mother!” oh and, “Happy Birthday!”

16 thoughts on “A Letter To My Mother On Her 77th Birthday! Happy Birthday Mother

    • Sorry Kreb, but I just found your comment in the ‘trash’ bin. WordPress at its worst, of course.

      Yes, I guess this does indeed explain quite a bit about me and hardly any of it good. But I’ve done the best I can given the circumstances and that is all that I can do. When you’ve been subjected to the kind of shit in the household I grew up in, it makes a body wonder how they even escaped that in one piece. But I guess, truth be told, I didn’t escape it at all since it seems to have followed me around to present day and will continue. People wonder why I am so filled with rage and fury, well they can wonder no more. Have that thing for a ‘mother’ and they’d get a clue.

      And Kreb, I sincerely appreciate your kind words, I do. I just wish they were who and what I am. But I thank you just the same.

      Liked by 4 people

  1. Wow, Shelby read like I was listening to the Monique talking about her mother. The sad part is a lot of us gen xer’s have had jacked up experiences with our parents. Me personally I had a dad who brought the old south style ass whipping ( usually without merrit for the severity of the ass whipping) using large ( small tree branches) switches, extension cords, water hoses, fan belts…. Experienced alot of pain in 7 rs of life before he left for good( no mourning as to why he left was ever voiced by myself or my siblings) we were just glad he left. My mother did what she could to provide for the 5 of us. She was not externally affectionate however she did not complain we were a burden. She would name call you( for me it was my black complexion) . My mother spoke of the abuse (physical/ controlling) of her father toward her mother…my grandparents stayed together until the end. My mother did say I love you later in life(shocked me when I heard it. Most of us so called American Negroes would have some strange tales to tell.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Indeed we do, yele66, have “strange tales to tell,” that is. And I haven’t even covered the tip of the iceberg here. That would take a book; a tome.

      And even though I do understand that my mother had it rough when she was growing up, I still cannot, nor will I excuse what she did because I would not visit the shit I suffered on my children if I was any kind of caring person because just what do you think is going to happen to those children when you do? Exactly what happened to us.

      No racist whites have ever looked at me with the vicious. savage and ferocious look of pure, unadulterated hate my mother gave me and all because she asked me to reach up on the top shelf of a grocery store to get her a can of beets and as short as I was, I couldn’t. When I turned to look at her, the expression of pure hate on her face as she looked at me, sent me running out to the car. My middle sister had already been banished to the car and when the car door opened and I got in, my sister said, “Did she spank you and send you out here too?” I said, “No, she sent me out here with just a look.”

      I am so sure that a therapist would have a field day with many a Black person because we are ALL so goddamn scarred, mentally, it is a fucking filthy ass shame! Not only have many of us received no assistance in navigating this racist society we live in, but we are further hampered by the fact that many of us have no parents worth a goddamn in which to rely on for help in this godforsaken shithole that not one of us asked to be in. They had birth control in my mother’s day. I wish to ‘god’ she’d made use of it!

      And since we were so terrified of her because, young as we were, we suspected something was wrong with her, we were too scared to act up and yet, she would beat us just because our daddy refused to come home. I remember sitting in a chair reading a book and my two sisters were playing and in stomps our mother with a look of fury on her face and with belt in hand, starts beating us all. I’m sitting in the chair with a book in my hand getting belted by her. All I could do was look up in complete incomprehension and confusion. We never knew when she would go the fuck off. But if you sit up and listen to her today, she will tell you that it never happened. Nothing she ever did wrong ever happened, let her tell it. The woman is insane. No one comes by the house to see her and I do mean, no one. And she is actually wondering why. I have tried to get her into assisted living, but she won’t go and I am fed up. Whatever happens happens.

      Yele66, I thank you for your comment. I knew that I was not the only one who had lived through such as what I’ve written about. This is just something that I’ve wanted to get off my chest for some time now. My mother’s birthday is actually tomorrow, the 15th, but I wanted to get an early start on celebrating it. Thanks again.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Leslie, now you are making me cry! Stop that! I love you for caring though, I do! Bless your heart! I am sure that your children love and respect you because you don’t seem the type to inflict this type of abuse on anyone. Would that more were like you!

      I am really not a good person. I can’t even pretend to be a good person because of my upbringing. I have hurt so many people through the years, people who only wanted to love me, but I had none to give. When I help my cousin or anyone for that matter, it is only because I know the difference between right and wrong and it is wrong to want to see anyone suffer and not at least do something to help. I have spent my life running, searching, looking for something that I know I will never find and yet I keep running, I keep searching, I keep looking and at this point, I don’t even know what I am looking for. I’m more than likely crazy and with good reason. But, a ‘good person’? No, that just ain’t me. But I thank you for thinking that all the same.

      Take care Leslie,

      Shelby

      Liked by 1 person

  2. There is so much that resonates with my own childhood in this post, Shelby. It has taken many years for me to accept that some mothers are born to parasitize their young. Although my mom has been dead for 12 years now, I still have nightmares about her tormenting me.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dr. Bramhall, I do recall that you have stated in the past that your mother was some piece of work. I am sorry you had to experience what you did because it never leaves you. We are traumatized as children and so we start out at a distinct disadvantage. There are no ‘Beaver Cleaver’ family scenarios here, that is for damn sure!

      That heifer, my mother has been trying her damned best to fuck up my life from day one. She has back stabbed me so many times, my back should literally be in shreds. She still calls my ex-husband, her “son-in-law” even though he used to beat me to within an inch of my life. But she was fine with that, the evil bitch! Oh, but she’s getting hers now. She can barely hobble across the goddamn floor. She called me every day since I arrived in this goddamn, godforsaken burg to come and do this for her, come and do that for her and I did for a bit, but when she called me and told me that her ceiling had fallen in and she wanted me to get a wheelbarrow and get the pieces up and place them in the field beside her house to fill in the potholes, I was too through. She has done nothing but try and use me until I drop. Well, the goddamn shit stops here! I changed my numbers and when that heifer called me, I am sure she cussed up one side and down the other when she got, “The number you are trying to reach has been disconnected or is no longer in service.” Fuck her! And my other sister, she hasn’t seen or heard from in over 6 years. Nor do her great grand kids want a goddamn thing to do with her. Before I stopped speaking to her, she was telling me that my sister’s children, she hasn’t seen in years. My son’s daughter, the same. No one calls her. No one goes to see her. She sits up in that big, falling down house all by her lonesome and it is driving her even crazier than she already was. So, yes, she is paying for the vicious shit she is in denial of having done.

      But Dr. Bramhall, I thank you for sharing with us that your mother was similar to this thing that’s been anything but a ‘mother’ to me. And so thank you for your comment.

      Like

  3. You are brave and strong woman,and I am so sorry for everything happened to you,
    you didn’t deserve all these abuses you received when you were child!
    People say that “we should respect and follow our parents always even they are nasty with us!”
    No,Hell no!
    I disagree 100%,because if parents are degenerate it is not the fault of the children,
    if they aren’t able to be parents it is not the fault of the children!
    I am not these devote people even they have been abused from their parents,they still look after them,
    I am in your same situation,I don’t feel love for my parents and I don’t feel to have responsibility for them,
    and I don’t feel ashamed to say,the only thing I can say that what they did to me,
    they deserve to be treat in this way!
    Because of her you have suffered a lot,and you did the right thing,now she is feeling the same things what she did to you.
    You aren’t a cold person,you have all your right to be happy,you have chosen your own happiness first,you have chosen first yourself that’s the only thing matter!
    I wish all the happiness that you deserve,even I don’t know you
    Shelby you are good person!

    Liked by 1 person

    • qnubian, you are so precious! Thank you SO very much for your comment! And again, it would seem that you went through a hellish, nightmarish childhood as well. I am so sorry you experienced that but from what I know about you on here, you are not like your parents. It would seem that ‘they’ are right when ‘they’ say, “What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.” I used to seriously doubt that because quite often, I don’t ‘feel’ strong. I feel beaten down, worn out and tired from fighting all the time against an evil so depraved, it should never have been let loose on us and I am including my ‘mother’ in that because she should never have been let loose on us. That is for damn sure. Her own mother once said that if she had only known how my mother would turn out, she would have used the umbilical chord that was wrapped around her neck when she was born and strangled her with it. And that the buzzards laid her and the sun hatched her. Now that is HER mother talking. That ain’t me. So, if your own mother knows how evil her ass is and wishes she had strangled her to death with the umbilical chord that was wrapped around her neck, then that’s saying something.

      And yes indeed, the vile, vicious shit she has done has come home to roost. She literally has not one member of the family visiting her ass! Not one! No great grandchild of hers even wants to visit. Even her grandchildren refuse to visit. My sister and myself are not speaking either, but even my sister has refused to step foot inside my mother’s house for over 6 years. I’m the stupid one for always running to help her when she calls, but no more! That’s stopped! Maybe I am too hard on myself when I say that I am not a good person for who else has put up with her shit other than me? No one. And I was still trying to help her even though she was still belittling me up until I stopped accepting her calls a few months ago. That just goes to show you just how nasty, mean and hateful she is even to the only person who would come around her to help her. She never appreciates anything, never! But she is indeed getting what’s due her and she ain’t finished getting it yet. That’s why her ass is still above ground. To hell with her!

      qnubian, I sincerely thank you for your comment. And again, I am sorry that your parents, apparently, are similar to mine. I wish things had been different for you. But I feel that you have a beautiful soul! Stay true to yourself and take care!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. All that aaccumulated disgusting feeling that you throw to your unbringuing, i feel toward all that ass kissing multitude of voters and ‘patriots’ that make the cultural ‘ superior’ white class that after destroying moral and human feelings in blacks, natives and other in USA, now are exporting to the rest of humanity. i got too tired to fight that crap. kisses and best wishes for a so strong and lovely angel as you are. always Carlos.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Bless your precious heart Carlos! I wish that I had not the enmity in me that I have, but, alas, tis too strong to deny. I was not ‘privileged’ to have an upbringing that I could only dream about. And though I rail against my mother, I do know that she is not wholly responsible for her mental illness for what descendant of slaves is? We are bound by the chains that still enslave us and we each carry around with us such heavy burdens to bear. Nevertheless, I am truly humbled by your most thoughtful comment.

      I wish you well and of good health Carlos! Thank you again!

      Like

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