An Appeal To Black Mothers: Don’t Perpetuate Self-Loathing

 

 

Yesterday, I was talking with a woman who was about the same age as myself, late fifties, and she was telling me about her childhood and as she did so, I could not help but gasp because we could have been sisters growing up in the same household as her experiences mirrored my own.

She was telling me of how the police had to be called to her home damn near every weekend and multiple times during the week over domestic assault issues. She also told me about the fights; the throwing of objects at each other and whatnot that her parents engaged in. She also spoke of the insults that she endured on a regular basis coming from her own mother. She told me how growing up in that environment only made her life turn out exactly like her mother’s. She married an abusive man, put up with untold abuse until she could no longer take it and divorced his ass. She told me that to this day, she has to distance herself from her mother and that her mother gets on her case because she is looking out for her sick father. She told me that even after telling her mother that her father has no one and that she, her mother, is married and has a husband to look after her, why does she have a problem with her helping out her ailing father? Her mother in fact told her that when she dyed her hair a Kool-aid burgundy color, “You look like a nigger!”

Now for those of you who read my blog titled, “A Letter To My Mother On Her 77th Birthday! Happy Birthday Mother,” then you know that what this lady told me is exactly what you have read on that blog. Again, we could have lived in the same household because her life mirrors mine down to a “T.”

Here is an excerpt from that blog:

I am going to attempt to find the words to convey just what emotions you evoke in me mother; hate, disgust, loathing and yes…pity, for you are so despicable, nasty and hateful that no one wants to come around you and I actually pity you. I spent so many years trying to gain affection from you that was never yours to give because you hate yourself. You loathe yourself for why else would you stay with a man who, when you were pregnant with me, your first baby, threw you a quarter when you told him you were hungry and he said, upon throwing you a quarter, “Here, I wouldn’t want to see a dog hungry.” And yet you thought so little of yourself that not only did you continue to lie with that slug, you brought two more children into this world to be condemned to live with two people who hated each other. We learned to hate as well.

As you can see, it is crystal clear that many Black women loathe themselves; have no respect for themselves, feel as though they are worthless since they will settle for an abusive asshole who beats their asses and yet they stay with them year after year and those mothers take that shit out on their children. They subject their children to untold cruelties and then are pissed at their children for the rest of their life for becoming a mirror image of them. That shit’s not on your children, that shit’s on you! Your self-loathing and lack of respect for yourself is something that you never dealt with and you subjected your children to your own lack of self worth. You became a punching bag; an outlet for some no good man to take his frustrations out on. You subjected your children; those you CHOSE to bring into this world to a life of sheer torture, pain, terror, racism and some more shit and they were ill-prepared to deal with that shit! You gave them no means in which to be guided through the system of white supremacy that you know exists because you live under that oppressive system. You gave your children an added burden; the burden of trying to maneuver through a system that was evil to its core and lethal to your children while they also had the extra burden of your baggage to carry around with them. You set them up for failure. You did your best to see to it that your children would suffer, mightily. And we have. You did us no favors. We had an enemy from our own camp to set us up and then tossed us to another enemy on a battlefield on which we never stood a chance. We were not prepared because we were damaged goods already before we even knew what was going to hit us. How do you Black mothers who have done this to your children, live with yourselves? If you could not handle life as a Black woman, then why bring Black children into despair and horror that is the world you exist in that makes you loathe and hate yourself? Your children will not thank you for what you did; hurled them out into a world they were ill-prepared for and told them to sink or swim. And yet you castigated us and treated us with derision when we made decisions that mirrored your own. We took our cue from you. We learned at your knee. We looked to you. That shit’s not on us, it’s on you! You are why you hate us. You ‘gifted’ us with no silver spoons, but with tarnished hearts, battered bodies and broken minds, helpless and barely adrift in a sea of hate everywhere we turned, even when we turned to you..our mothers. What chance did we stand? How could we have turned out any better than we did? And yet you mothers of us blame us for why we are your mirror image. You act as though, we, somehow, should have emerged from a chrysalis to a well-rounded adult free from issues and with the ability to take on a world that hated the very sight of us because of our skin color.

No Black mothers! We have you to thank for refusing to realize that your actions would have consequences and those consequences would come right back to you. You get no thanks from us because you are due none. We cannot thank you for bequeathing us so little and yet expecting so much from us in return. We can only give you what you gave us; nothing more. And yet you expect much from us. Oh yes, we are YOUR children, but we are battered children. We suffer from YOUR abuse. We have “Battered Children’s Syndrome,” and it is very real. And we’re not talking merely about the physical battering of us, but more importantly, the mental battering of us. That was worse. The resulting scars from that are far more lasting and damaging than the physical ones. I can still see some of the physical damage on my body from the whippings and beatings, but by far, the mental damage is much, much worse. Where does a child turn when their own mother is their very first enemy? Where does a child turn when they face an enemy that hates them because they were born and to whom they were born hates them because she hates herself? Where? Can someone tell me? Tell us? Because there are many “me’s” out there! The lady that I spoke with told me that she thought she was the only one. I assured her that she was not. She actually sighed in relief when she heard that because she thought it was just her. Oh, how wrong she was. And oh how right I wish she had been.

And so it is true that this poem taken from that other blog to my mother is to ALL the Black children who are broken and who were broken before they ever experienced hatred from the rest of the world, but knew it coming from their own mother.

Happy Birthday Mother!

Yes, you brought me into this world;
a squalling little Black baby girl.
You belittled everything I ever did
and you beat me for nothing when I was a kid.

You want me to honor, love and respect you
when what I did was from you, take my cue.
I have never known what love is and I never will.
Not one tear for love will my eyes ever spill.

I’ve been called cold, callous and cruel,
but never have I been called, “love’s favorite fool.”
I know that this should be all about your day,
and it is in its own strange and morbid way.

There is just something that needs saying
because in this town where you live, I’m not staying.
I have come running every time you’ve ever called
and listened to each admonishment on my character, you’ve drawled.

That stops here and now because I don’t need you anymore.
I never really did but I’ve just got to settle the score.
When you talked about me to your acquaintances, that hurt.
But knowing what you are mother, I’m an expert.

I’ve watched you down through the years
send people packing with words sharper than shears.
I’ve listened to you drone on about how great you are
when you are too evil and wicked for hell by far.

You’ve got foul names for everyone you ever meet.
The language you use, the derogatory names, you bleat
to anyone who will come within your reach.
You sit on your ass and search for an invective to screech.

Then you have the nerve to wonder why you sit home alone
and that to this very day, there’s nothing for you to atone.
But your day is coming mother. It may not be here yet,
but then again, you may already be paying your debt.

Your favorite one of us died from drugs years ago
and the man you couldn’t leave hated your ass from the get-go.
Even his friends said he died to get away from you
and this I can believe because I’d do the same thing too.

So sit in your big falling down house and think,
think of all the reasons why you should take to drink.
Believe that you are good and that all others are at fault
And you’ll still deny your evilness when they lower you in that vault.

And lower you they will mother, for we must all go that route.
But don’t you think for one second that your ‘goodness’, I will tout.
You are evil personified and though I may drop dead first,
at least I’ll have the pleasure of knowing that your ass is accursed.

You will lie beside a man who hated you to the end.
Your youngest died years ago and she was a dope fiend.
And yet you blame us for problems we never placed at your door
even though you share the blame because we are what you bore!

Written by,
Shelby I. Courtland
©2019 Shelby I. Courtland

To the Black mothers who are like mine and the lady that I mentioned in this blog, this is our thanks to YOU! You’ve ‘earned’ it!

To The Racists In Lynchburg, Virginia, I’m Putting Your Asses On Notice And To My Mother Who Claims I Constantly Embarrass Her, Get Over It!

 

 

Lynchburg, Virginia boasts of nothing but confederate this and confederate that. There is a confederate trail at a cemetery on Fort Avenue. The sign encourages anyone driving on Fort Avenue to walk the confederate trail. There are streets named, “Plantation Road,” and “Confederate Avenue.” Homage is paid to the so-called ‘heroes’ of the confederacy. A tree that used to be a lynching tree was mourned by the racists in Lynchburg, Virginia when lightning struck the tree and killed it. Not too long ago, there was a scandal whereas Jerry Falwell stated that he would wear a mask only if it depicted whites in black face or wearing Ku Klux Klan (KKK) outfits. We had a governor who was dressed in either or both, but was trying to backtrack from that fact. Remember Governor Northam. We also had a restaurant on Fifth Street called, Fifth And Federal Station whereas the owner ordered ‘black face’ and KKK masks for his workers. Fifth and Federal Station has since closed down and another restaurant is slated to open in its former space. I will not be heading in there because whatever is going to take the place of that racist piece of shit, Fifth and Federal Station, is more than likely going to be more of the same.

I am pointing all of this out to say that this entire burg, all 49.6 square miles is 49.6 square miles of pure, unadulterated racism. This burg’s whites are so racist that dating back as far as I can remember in my childhood, I only remember seeing two white faces until I started going to school and one white face belonged to a doctor, Dr. Morris. He was the only pediatrician who would see Black children. If not for Dr. Morris, I don’t know what we would have done. I remember him as a kindly man, who when I had chicken pox, popped one of them and I was like, “Ewwww, that’s nasty!” He told me to stay home in bed and take it easy. I also remember when I had tonsillitis, he referred me to Dr. Rischer and Dr. Rischer was another fine doctor who also saw Black patients back then. He was an ear, nose and throat doctor who also operated to take bad tonsils out. I remember my mother told me that Doctor Rischer said that I was the prettiest patient that he had operated on that day and he had also operated on a little white child and my mother noted that the mother of the white child turned green upon hearing Dr. Rischer say that. And so as far as I am concerned,  there were probably about two or three whites who were not extremely racist in this burg because even when I started school and we were integrated with the whites, the white kids took to me like ducks take to water and when I would refuse to have anything to do with them, I would get called to the principal’s office and asked why was I not speaking to Teresa or Donna or whomever. I’m like, “WTH!” “I talk to whomever I please, or not!” 

But as usual, I digress. I want ALL the racists in Lynchburg, Virginia, and you know who you are, to understand this fact, I am not going to let up on you racist pieces of shit until something is done about reining your vile, vicious, evil, racist shit in. You are going to be MADE to answer for the racist, evil shit that you are doing to those who look like me. It is way past time that something was done to stop that shit and I am going to make every breath that I take, a breath that is used to speak out on what the hell you fucktards are doing to Black people in this hellish burg that you treat as your own personal fiefdom and as though you don’t have to abide by laws, regulations, rules or anything that’s not put on the books by you vile and filthy pieces of putrid racist filth! I was born in this cesspool and so there is very little that I don’t know about it and what I did not know, I quickly found out. So, you can attempt to do your worst to me, but that is only going to embolden me to go after your damn racist asses with everything I can muster to make sure that the evil shit you do is uncovered and that you are made to answer for it.

As for my mother, who is one who shucks and jives to you racists and gets her voice set all nice and sweet when talking to a damn racist but yet cusses her children out as if we’ve done something wrong by merely existing, I’ve got a few words for you. You don’t even want to sit inside a restaurant with me. You won’t even go inside a store with me, talking about how loud I am and what an embarrassment I am to you. You have told me over and over what an embarrassment I am to you. What the fuck do you mean? I am YOUR flesh and blood and so if I am an embarrassment to you, you are an embarrassment to me because I did not give birth to you, you gave birth to me. I remember you coming home exclaiming over what those rich white little shits used to do when you were cleaning their homes and how you mistreated us because we weren’t the rich white little shits that you had just left. How the fuck was that on us? That shit was on you! I didn’t ask to be born in a cesspool of racism called “Lynchburg, Virginia.” That shit was on you and that sperm donor daddy who was useless and who told us that we were an embarrassment to him as well. Really???!! How the hell could we have been an embarrassment to a piece of filth that beat your ass, tried to beat my baby sister’s ass, wanted to beat my ass, but I wasn’t having it and also was never home because he was too busy out whoring around? The two of you were the worst parents any children could ever have and we were an embarrassment to you assholes???!?!!! Get the fuck outta here!!!

The same quack you have for a doctor is the same quack I have, but the difference is, you more than likely will do everything that filthy, racist fucker suggests. I’m sure your ass is vaccinated and boostered the hell up and yet someone told me that you’re experiencing kidney problems. You know, at one time, I would be feeling sorry for you, but that sorry dried up aeons ago and it will never surface again. I used to try and help your ass out even when you were belittling me, but that ship has sailed. Tell folks when was the last time you laid eyes on me. You can’t even fucking remember. And I hear tell that your ass is so foul, you sent Baeboo packing when she was trying to help you. And she has the patience of Job, but even she had to leave your ass, high and dry. Even Bubba said that when he pass by your house, the pedal is most definitely meeting the metal, he don’t want to give you a chance to flag him the fuck down. Ain’t nobody trying to fuck with you, but I’m the embarrassment???!!!!

You would talk about your own children to these racists that didn’t give a damn about you or us. Those racists would call you and cry in your ear on the phone talking about their fucked up lives because even having loads of money, don’t stop the issues and yet, when you came home from cleaning their homes, all you’d talk about is little Jessica said this and little Jenny said that and what Jay did and how cute Jenny said something. But would turn around and cuss us the hell out, but yet we are YOUR embarrassment????!!!! Are you fucking serious???? And you wonder why I have ZERO respect for you now??? I just know you don’t!!!! And I meant every single goddamn word of that letter I wrote for you and posted on this blog for your 77th birthday and I hope you saw it.

You put racists over us. You were made privy to the criminal acts of racists and yet what did you do about it? You fucking kept quiet about the shit because you were too intent on telling your own flesh and blood how much of an embarrassment we were to you. I was such an embarrassment that you allowed a man to beat my ass in your house while you and that sperm donor father of mine watched. I was such an embarrassment to you and yet I was the only one who would pull your husband off your ass when he was kicking you six ways to Sunday even though you used to drive us to illegal nip joints at night and leave us. But we are the embarrassment????!!!! And I am still appalled by your holier than thou attitude when we used to have to sit up in church and listen to that bullshit and then go home and watch the two of you fight like cats and dogs because of your husband’s whoring ways. He even stated long before he died that he was leaving no will because he wanted us all to fight over his belongings. What belongings? A big, fucked up house, three fucked up vehicles, some suits and some rings???!! I wanted nothing from his ass and that is exactly what I received because you were too busy handing his suits and rings over to the ‘men’ who had beat your daughters all throughout their marriage until I escaped, fled the state and my sister finally divorced her piece of shit scumbag husband. But yet you still claim them to this very day as being your “sons-in-law.” You’re going to have to answer for that shit just like these vile, vicious racists are going to have to answer for their shit! But I’ll be damned if I’m YOUR embarrassment heifer because YOU ARE MINE!!! Now suck on that!!!

All y’all Lynchburg racist motherfuckers are on notice and I don’t give a shit what you throw at me, I’m throwing shit right back at your foul asses!! If I’ll throw my own mother under the goddamn bus since she claims I’m some sort of embarrassment to her, then every motherfucking body else is going underneath that bitch as well!! All y’all Lynchburg racist motherfuckers are fair game!!! And I ain’t fucking playing! And if any of my so-called ‘other relatives’ want a piece of this action, try me!! Yeah! Your asses already know to leave me the fuck alone! You don’t want this smoke because you know I know all y’all’s fucking business! You better keep the fuck quiet while I do MY thang!

Fact Or Fiction: Another Story Time Out Of Lynchburg, Virginia, An Ongoing Series

 

This next story is a convoluted one and I’ll start by reminding everyone that some of these stories may be fact and some may be fiction. You decide.

There was this man who was loving and there was this naive woman who had a mother who was not so motherly. When this woman was dating this really nice man, her mother would cuss her out and tell the man he had to leave and so this man could only drive up, knock on the door and take the daughter out. Well, the daughter was tired of always hearing her mother disparage this man and so, she told him that she could not see him again. The man was crestfallen, but what could he do? He did what all men in love do, every time he saw the woman, he would approach her and beg for another chance, but he was never given another chance because the woman knew what she would face from her mother.

So, the woman dates a different man, and lo and behold, her mother likes this man. This man is abusive to her daughter and he even beats her daughter in front of the mother and the father and when he does this, the police are not called. The daughter is told by her mother and father to go to this man’s house and work things out. To make a long story short, the woman marries this abusive man with the blessings of both her parents. Through the years, the abuse continues and gets worse. The woman eventually leaves her abusive husband and flees because she fears for her life. She doesn’t even tell her best friend that she is leaving. Unbeknownst to this woman who left her husband, the husband proceeds to continuously harass the best friend to the point whereas the best friend is terrified of this man. But as the years go by, the wife of this abusive man finally files for divorce and for her, the situation with an abusive man ends.

Now, enters another woman who wants to be with this abusive man. She moves in with him and even though people tell her that she is living with a man who abused his ex-wife, she pays no heed at all. She lives with this man for years, but then, she finds out that he is cheating on her and he has a huge gambling problem. She feels stupid because she did not heed the words of those who tried to tell her about this man. She leaves this man and begins divorce proceedings. She hires a great lawyer because she has been the breadwinner since she had a career in the medical field and was making bank while her husband was gambling away his paycheck and relying on her to pay the bills. When the woman left this abusive man and filed for divorce, she thought that she had finally did the right thing. She was on her own, had bought herself a new car and had moved on with her life. But then, the unthinkable happened, one day, this woman was driving down the road taking her usual route and a huge rock came crashing through her car windshield, killing her instantly. Her car went out-of-control and zigzagged across the road, finally stopping against a barrier. There were no witnesses to this crime, just pieces put together from the crime scene and another motorist had called the police to state that a couple of rocks had struck their vehicle in that same area where this woman was killed.

There have been no other incidents like this since this woman who left her abusive husband was murdered. The abusive husband grew up with friends who had turned into hardened criminals who had been to prison for a multitude of crimes. And there are some who say that this was all just too much of a coincidence that yet another woman who was trying to leave this abusive man ends up dead since some believe that the only reason the first wife who divorced this abusive man is still alive is because she left the state and no one knew of her whereabouts for years. And none can forget that the first wife’s best friend, to this very day, is terrified of this man.

This man is now in possession of his dead wife’s Social Security, maybe her great pension and who knows what else since she was murdered before the divorce could be finalized and he certainly needs money seeing as how he has a very bad gambling problem. Is it coincidence; this seemingly random crime that occurred that killed this woman who was trying to divorce a man who has a known history of exhibiting violent behavior towards women? Who, but a close acquaintance would know a person’s schedule and habits? And why no more incidents of boulder like rocks being thrown at passing cars through a certain section of road just outside of Lynchburg? Will the crime of murder of this woman ever be solved?

Is this fact or fiction? I’ll let you decide. Until next time, keep those ‘thinking caps’ handy.

So, Steve Harvey Condones Domestic Violence? So Much For The ‘Family’ In Family Feud

Check out the video of Steve Harvey interviewing the sister who introduced her strangling, felonious fugitive brother to Youtube, who has an outstanding warrant for FELONY DOMESTIC ASSAULT AS THE NUMBER ONE CHARGE. There are two additional charges for INFLICTING BODILY HARM USING OTHER WEAPONS. What is this world coming to when not only is Steve Harvey glorifying domestic violence by not vetting those whom he interviews, but is also condoning gluttony since this heifer made her millions by eating huge amounts of food while videotaping herself?

This heifer is in the next video introducing her strangling, felonious fugitive brother to Youtube for the first time.

Now, the next video is AFTER her brother has fled the charges for FELONIOUS DOMESTIC ASSAULT. This heifer has her brother on a video AFTER he has been charged with committing felonies and then fleeing justice.

You just can’t make this shit up!

Below are this felon’s charges and as you can see, STRANGULATION is the number one charge and this felon has been running from those charges since 2019 and there are plenty who have been giving aid and assistance to this fugitive felon since he has been on the run.

Look at the charges and look at the date. This thug’s sister put him on Youtube AFTER he had fled DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ASSAULT CHARGES. Look at his bond. Someone got him out of jail. Guess who. So, why would Steve Harvey have no clue as to who or whom he was interviewing especially since he hosts a family oriented game show which is what Family Feud is? So, does Steve Harvey condone domestic violence? Answer this, why would he have no problem interviewing a woman whose brother is a fugitive, wanted on charges of violence domestic assault since the fugitive’s number one charge is STRANGULATION?

The name of the fugitive is WALTER NELSON MILLS. I saw this on Youtube and started calling the Benton County Sheriff’s Office in Benton County Minnesota to let them know that a fugitive that is wanted on a FELONY NIGHTCAP WARRANT is living in Memphis,TN and has a MONETIZED Youtube channel and is laughing about “choking women until they can no longer breathe and that is how he can ignore them.” The Benton County Sheriff’s Office has not seen fit yet, to request that the Minnesota governor get those extradition papers together to get this fugitive arrested in Memphis, TN where he now lives, back to Minnesota. Why not? Take one guess. His victim is not white. If she was, Walter Nelson Mills would be behind bars, serving time and everyone reading this knows that!

Below is his picture.

This fugitive has a Youtube channel and the name of the channel is “Chillin Wit Walt.” Listen as he speaks of strangling people until they can no longer breathe, that way he can ignore them better. Seriously? And Steve Harvey had the sister of this fugitive on his Facebook podcast, interviewing her as though no one had a clue about this woman’s fugitive brother living his life in Memphis, TN. In fact, this woman’s fugitive brother just visited her in her home in Ohio. They were having a grand time, laughing it up, drinking, but she claims to be a “Christian,” while knowing that her brother is a whole fugitive from justice and she obviously cares nothing for justice or law and order since she has no problem knowing that her brother is a wanted man in not one, but two states; Minnesota AND Wisconsin. Unbelievable! Just unbelievable! She obviously cares nothing about her brother’s victim or she would have told her brother to do the right thing and turn himself in.

Below is the video wherein he is laughing about strangling people.

And his channel is MONETIZED by Youtube which is owned by Google. Many people have sent complaints to Youtube about this man’s channel for months now and yet, the channel is still up; A WHOLE FUGITIVE’S CHANNEL IS STILL MONETIZED. Now, someone explain ALL of this to me so that it makes sense because as it stands, none of it makes any sense to me. And Black people are actually praising this thug’s sister just because she reportedly made a few million stuffing her gluttonous face to no end. What sick shit this society has descended into. Who needs to die to go to hell when we are in hell when violence and gluttony are encouraged and given a platform to make money off?

This link will take you to the Benton County Minnesota sheriff’s website where you can view the outstanding warrant for the arrest of one, WALTER NELSON MILLS. Just scroll down to the “M”s and you will have no problem finding that he does indeed, have an outstanding warrant for his arrest dating back to 2019. This fugitive has been on the run since 2019. His sister put him on Youtube knowing that he had those charges and was a fugitive. Steve Harvey, just had her on his Facebook talk show and someone needs to contact the producers of Family Feud so that they can take a look at what Steve Harvey is promoting on Facebook.

For those of you who care about loved ones who have been victims of domestic violence, help right this wrong. It is wrong for someone to uphold a person, even if it is their brother, in a serious wrong. It is wrong for someone to profit while on the run from law enforcement on a serious felony charge of strangulation and other charges. It is wrong for people to host on a public platform, the woman who put her strangling, felonious fugitive brother on Youtube and then is going around doing interviews knowing all the while that she is aiding and abetting her brother escape justice. It is wrong for Steve Harvey to have, even on his Facebook podcast, this woman who has done these things; aiding a criminal in escaping justice. I don’t care how much money a person has, if a crime has been committed, no one should be above the law if they have aided the criminal escape justice. I am not just turning my head when I see such as this. I have tried numerous times to bring this to the attention of law enforcement in Benton County, Minnesota and Memphis, TN. I even alerted the FBI to the fact of where this fugitive is and to date, nothing has been done about it. There is a victim out there somewhere, who is someone’s mother, sister, daughter, niece, aunt, etc., who has been waiting on justice since 2019. How much longer must she wait while her accuser and his sister profit; one who has been accused of the crime and the other who has protected the accused?

Update! This post must be getting to some folks because the video of Steve Harvey interviewing the sister whose brother is a fugitive on charges of DOMESTIC ASSAULT, keeps disappearing, below are some pictures taken from the video. Delete this!

Here is another one.

And another one.

Now, Youtube has been deleting the evidence of Steve Harvey interviewing the sister of a fugitive, but refuses to delete this woman’s fugitive brother’s videos where he is laughing about strangling people. Go figure!!!