Break Free!

For something in me was just never satisfied.
I would sit on the porch and stare at the mountains,
convinced that there was something, something calling to me,
beseeching me to “Come, come and drink from overflowing fountains!”

There is another world out there beyond the tall green mountain trees.
No telling what destiny will find for you to do if only you will wander,
wander away from the safety of boredom and the mundane,
and fling yourself into timelessness that only youth can squander.

And so I fled, I fled from the stagnation and strangulation of my nine to five;
and I lived, I lived as only the truly free can live, free from the bonds of society,
free to make my own rules and for this I was punished, held accountable.
 For those who wield the whip will never let the slave break free from his chains of slavery!

Written by,
Shelby I. Courtland
©2017 Shelby I. Courtland

Each day, we are reminded in many different ways that life is just too short. We hear of a loved one who is seriously ill. We hear of horrors occurring daily to others in our neighborhoods and around the world and yet, each day, we go to the daily grind so that we can afford to go ‘home’ and what….’live’? Ask yourself this question, “What does it mean to ‘live’? I don’t mean to suck in air and release it. Are you doing what you truly love or are you doing what you NEED to do just to survive? Are you just going to work so that you can keep up the payments on that house and car and maybe, at the end of the week, you can sit down and have a beer and consider yourself lucky? Is this all you want out  of, dare I say, ‘life’? Is this all there is to ‘life’? Working to make someone more money while you give that same person the money that you ‘earn’ so that you can keep a roof over your head and sit in hours of traffic and think and dream about what it would be like if you could do just what the hell you want? We are all stifled and oppressed by what we have allowed. We have allowed others to tell us how to ‘live’ and if our doctor ever gives us the ‘bad’ news that it’s almost over for us, the only reason we kick up a fuss is because it is expected of us and because we fear the unknown.

Life is to be lived, not merely gotten through. Think about it. Are you living life or are you just waiting until your number is up? And when it is, will you smile and say, “At least I lived,” or will you say, “Damn, in a few more years, I promised myself that I was going to live!” Think about it. Live your life, don’t just go through the motions!

The Day Before My Birthday!

The day before my birthday
is a melancholy one.
I sit here contemplating
what I should do for fun.

Would a trip to New York
be just the thing for me?
 Or should I relax in the tub
and go on a shopping spree?

As I reflect on my life,
I wonder what would I miss
if I never saw another day?
 Would I still live like this?

Did I ever touch one single heart
or let someone know I cared?
Was I always just too shallow
since love, I never shared?

What a loveless life I’ve lived.
With no thought for those I hurt.
I just pack and move elsewhere
like some twenty year old flirt.

It’s always been about me.
I’ve never lived for another.
This aimless life, I choose
when faced with love, I burn rubber.

Written by,
Shelby I. Courtland
©2016 Shelby I. Courtland

I don’t know where this came from, I really don’t except for the fact that I always get a little maudlin around my birthday because of the fact that I’m on the ‘wrong’ side of 25 and each year causes me to reflect a little bit deeper and this year, I’ve gone even deeper.

I remember when I was a child, I could not wait for my birthday because we were treated like a princess for the day; a big birthday party with so many friends over and lots and lots of gifts and all my favorite foods including my favorite cake. And now, it’s like, WOAH! What the hell??!! It’s like before I can blink twice, it’s my birthday again and all the gifts and hoopla still don’t make up for the fact that I’m getting older and older and feeling it. Oh well. I’ll get over it. I just wondered if anyone else over 25 experiences anything similar or do you just take it all in stride. I hope not too many are like me who cannot dwell in the present, but must forever look back on the past and compare it to today, most unfavorably.

Sometimes, I Wish I Had A Heart To Break!

Sometimes, I wish I had a heart to break.
I have never known love; I hear it’s about give and take.

Whenever I thought I was in love, it turned out to be just lust.
And if I am to go through life without love, then I must.

Now, I am not saying that I have had no relationships at all.
I am merely saying that when it came time to end, I took no fall.

I did not feel any ache or loss that should have hit me deep.
My doomed lover would look at me as though he expected me to weep.

What a disappointment I must have been for I could not manage one tear.
And each time, I walked away with eyes, not red with tears, but crystal clear.

No, I am not bragging or pretending that this is normal in any way.
But I read so many stories of lovers having parted at the end of the day.

And each took something away with them of a lesson learned,
that even though love was once shared, in the end, they got burned.

Yet through it all; the heartache and the tears, they would do it over again;
 endure the highs and the lows and when it’s over, take it on the chin.

Written by,
Shelby I. Courtland
©2016 Shelby I. Courtland

And no, I am not feeling sorry for myself, I am just wondering at what I have been missing since lovers speak of having gained from the experience of love and loss and how it may be difficult, but in time, they eventually pick themselves up, dust themselves off and get back on that particular horse. I always wonder about something that has never affected or infected me, like love. And please, please do not state that I have just not found the right one and that the right one will fall into my lap when I am least expecting it. I do not wish it anyway. I am not capable of ‘deep and true’ love or I would know it by now. I have no ‘love’ to give. I am far too selfish, apparently. I have other sterling qualities, if I may be so bold as to toot my own horn, but none of us are perfect. *wink*

Get Up Girl And Live Life To Its Fullest!

Where is the adventuress that has always been me?
How can I get her back and when did she flee?

Who is this person who sits alone in the dark?
Why is she so angry and what lit the spark?

Has she let the horrors of this world get to her?
What does she have to fear from a racial slur?

Tell her you love her no matter what.
Make her understand, she’s got to go with her gut.

Don’t let her listen to the doubts in her mind.
Let her know that she’s got more heart than most of mankind.

Get up girl and live life to its fullest.
Pack a bag and become life’s tourist.

Journey far and never settle for less.
Don’t put up with people and don’t accept their mess.

You’re not stupid and you’re damn sure not brain dead.
So, go where you want to go and not where others have tread.

Written by,
Shelby I. Courtland
©2016 Shelby I. Courtland

I wrote this about me because lately, I have been down in the dumps because there is so much that I want to do and yet, I am hindered by my sense of responsibility. I am hindered by my sense of duty and obligation. I am supposed to be enjoying myself in my lean-to on a deserted island and yet, I am getting cussed out daily by my cousin because the mental health care profession filled him full of anti-depressants and anti-psychotics and when the medications started killing him, he got off them and now his brain is fried. He lost 154lbs. He is no longer diabetic  or obese. He no longer has a cholesterol or triglycerides problem. His pancreas is back to normal. His heart condition is gone and yet, he will never be ‘all there’ mentally. Yes indeed, I have so many reasons to ‘thank’ the ‘health care’ profession in AmeriKKKa, it is unreal! Heavy on the sarcasm!

And now, I have got to cut this short because I just got a call from him, stating that he has run out of money and is stranded and I must come and pick him up. Since I have his POA(Power of Attorney), health care directive and Living Will, I am responsible for every aspect of his life and there is no one else who will step up to the plate. His immediate family gave up on him decades ago and he has followed me everywhere I go. That is why when I mention that I am dining out with my cousin, who else can I dine with because I am constantly getting him out of trouble and so, there goes any social life for me? And when we are out dining, I am usually embarrassed because he just gets to cussing and carrying on at me for no reason. Waiters and other diners stare at us. The last time we were at Fogo de Chao, he sat and sat and sat until even the gracious waiters were looking pointedly at us. When I mentioned this to him, did the high ceilings in Fogo de Chao, vibrate? Indeed they did!

I feel like a person who has been given a life sentence. Goddamn! I want to break free of this jail sentence! You don’t have to actually be locked up behind bars to be imprisoned, believe me, I know!

Just as I was about to conclude this, I re-read the poem and I called my cousin back and I told him, “Get ta steppin! You’ve got a long walk but since you’re no longer overweight, you can do it!”

Ladies, and I am speaking solely to the ladies here, you don’t need a man to complete you and let me tell you something else, every single man that has ever been in my life has done me more harm than good. I can honestly say that when I am doing things all by myself, I do them better and I am always at my best. I have been married and it was the biggest mistake of my life. A husband did nothing but put me through hell, just as my cousin is doing. It is high time that we let these men who say they are “men” be men and take care of themselves. If we don’t look out for ourselves, they won’t. The ‘men’ who have been in my life, certainly did not look out for me.

And so, next month, since I’ve got some shopping and some packing to do, I am going on a journey to find ‘the adventuress’ that used to be ME, again. I am going to understand that I was not put on this earth to be caretaker to every lost soul on it, to the detriment of my own. Sometimes, you have got to be more ‘self-loving, than self-less.

Ladies, take care of you because I am starting right now!

On The Wings Of A Dove

Of star-crossed lovers and unrequited love,
 two hearts never to beat as one.
For time and infinite space doth conspire
 to shield would be lovers from the sun.

No escape from the coldness of the grave.
Where once upon a time, there was nary a care.
For love does not dwell in deep and dark places,
 but must breathe the pure and life-giving air.

The stories handed down through the years
 tell of lovers who would meet and then part.
And of a pact made, but never kept.
For fate was destined to break each lover’s heart.

Tristan and Isolde and Romeo and Juliet,
Antony and Cleopatra, to name a few.
Some were real and others, the stuff of legend,
 tell a tale of love that is not always, straight and true.

Poets have tried and quite often failed
 in their attempts to describe the depths to love,
 and how true love transcends the physical limitations
 of mere mortal bodies, whose spirits soar on the wings of a dove.

Written by,
Shelby I. Courtland
©2016 Shelby I. Courtland

Love Yourself, No Matter What!

She looked at the world through a veil of tears.
She felt she’d wasted so many years.
Her enemies hung her out to dry.
They told her, she would never fly.

With broken wings, she fell to the ground
and she never uttered a sound.
She accepted the lies they told.
She bought everything they sold.

She would stop after each false start;
afraid to follow her own heart.
She blamed the shit in her life on fate;
felt she’d waited ‘til it was too late.

Life had surely passed her by.
And she never questioned, “Why?”
But what she failed to understand
is that life can never, ever be planned.

There are pitfalls and highs and lows,
and those you think are friends are foes.
Never settle for second best.
You’ll feel cursed and you’ll feel blessed.

So love yourself, no matter what.
Hold your head up girl and strut!
Turn, “I can’t!” into “Yes, I can!”
And stop listening to the lies of man!

Written by,
Shelby I. Courtland

©2015 Shelby I. Courtland

 

There is so much goddamn shit going on in my life right now that I had begun to doubt myself and my strength because as much as I rail against the injustices I see perpetrated against the innocent every single day, I felt impotent. I have let myself become jaded, pessimistic and my attitude became that of a defeatist. I wondered what happened to my fire; to my spirit. Had all that makes me ,me, fled? I truly felt so! Have I recovered? No, but I am working on it! I will pick myself up, dust myself off and so long as there is breath in my body, what weapons are at my disposal, I will use them to fight back. I will not surrender to defeat! Never!

A Slave Woman’s Lament

I’ve been down so many lonely roads
and I’ve scuffed so many shoes.
I’ve sat on old tree stumps
and I’ve quietly hummed the blues.

I’m just a tired, old woman now
with the wisdom learned from living.
And if you ask for my advice,
take from me what I’ll be giving.

There’s no secret to a long life;
 no magic formula to keep you going.
It’s not about how hard you work.
Just do your best to keep love growing.

I could tell you that it’s easy,
that it’s all a piece of cake.
But you need someone to love
and when he’s gone, it leaves an ache.

You feel it down and you feel it deep.
It hurts to even think.
And when you try and keep it in,
you just might turn to the devil’s drink.

My man, he done left my side
and I want to be with him.
And so I walk these lonely roads,
I wait for the light of day to grow dim.

My eyes have turned so yellow.
No more suffering will they see.
I’m now down to skin and bone.
Soon, no more worries will bother me.

There he is, I can see him.
He’s waving for me to come.
I’ve reached my final resting place.
We’re where the slavers stole us from.

Together, we walk hand in hand
towards the blazing sun.
We cross the burning plains of home.
Our new journey has begun.

Written by,
Shelby I. Courtland
©2015 Shelby I. Courtland

To All The Men I’ve Never Loved

To all the men I’ve never loved
and though most of you are dead
when I look back on my life
not much good can be said.

I see your faces in my mind
and I heave a great big sigh
as I recall those looks of love
that I let pass me by.

What of me was there to love?
I was never nice to any of you.
Love, to me was for fools
and each month, the fool was new.

Today, a song reminded me
of all that I have missed
because I was young and I was dumb
and that your love, I simply dissed.

Oh how you chased me, relentlessly
and I kept running away.
Now your bones have turned to dust
when there is much, I’d like to say.

What the young don’t understand
is what I also failed to know
And that things don’t stay the same.
What we reap, so shall we sow.

The lessons I have learned
have come too late for me.
The love I never returned
was just not meant to be.

Written by,
Shelby I. Courtland
©2015 Shelby I. Courtland

Beside Me, Bitch, You Could Never Be A Star!

What the fuck you mean, my butt’s too big?
Why the hell are you coming at me with a wig?

I am Black, goddamn it and I am proud of my ass.
It’s not flat as a pancake and I shake it with sass.

My hair’s my crowning glory, so thick and so full.
I’m not a sheep to be sheared; I love my Black wool.

My lips were made for kissing and perfectly formed.
If you think I hate myself, then you are seriously misinformed.

Go to hell, all you haters; your lies can’t touch me.
I am what you are not and what you can never hope to be.

You try and sell me your looks to make me hate my own.
But you can kiss my Black ass because I love my skin tone.

I love the curves of my body; I’m not just angles and bones
I’m from multiple civilizations; my people sat on golden thrones.

Where the fuck did you come from with your see-through skin?
You bruise with just a pinch because your shell is so thin.

What lips you have are just a fine pinkish line.
And you falsely plump ‘em up because you really want mine.

You could pass for a boy as flat as you are.
And beside me bitch, you could never be a star!

Written by,
Shelby I. Courtland
©2015 Shelby I. Courtland

Black women, embrace you! Don’t let the Caucasians have you hating on yourself. It is bad enough when our brothas jump the fence because they’ve been brainwashed into believing the Caucasians’ lies that the definition of beauty is the Caucasian female. We know this is not true. We were damn near born with hips and so flaunt them. Walk with dignity. Keep your head up because the haters are all on our ass but you know what, if we can remember that we are sistas, we got this! The Black woman is much put upon and the shit stops here! We are the brunt of jokes. We are ignored by magazine executives and modeling agencies because we are not flat like a boy. If that is what the Caucasian fucker wants, he is quite welcome to that and in all actuality, that is really what the male Caucasoid wants. It’s just that sticking his lame ass teeny weenie(“Vienna sausage”) inside a boy is not going to result in the conception of his progeny. And the Catholic priests can’t get enough of boys, as we ALL know.

And to the brothas that want a bag of bones, be my guest. And meanwhile, I say to my sistas, “Strut your stuff, girlfriend! I do!”

 

You’re My Man And You Are Black!

That voice of yours, so deep,
the walk you have is so you.
You’re my man and you are Black
and I give to you, your due.

That skin of yours, so dark.
Those lips of yours, so perfect.
You’re my man and you are Black
and I give to you, my respect.

Those eyes of yours, so brown.
Those teeth of yours, so white.
You’re my man and you are Black
and you look good enough to bite.

That back of yours, so muscular,
those shoulders of yours, so strong.
You’re my man and you are Black
and together, we can’t go wrong!

Don’t think this is all about sex,
Look in my eyes and know the truth.
You’re my man and you are Black
and together, we must raise our youth.

The heat from your body
must never grow cold to my touch.
You’re my man and you are Black
and you must know, I love you so much!

Written by,
Shelby I. Courtland
©2015 Shelby I. Courtland

I send this one out to ALL my strong Black brothers! I want you to know that I love you ALL! There are none in this world like you and though they try and emasculate you, not all of you will buy into the bullshit and for those of you that stay true to who you are, this one’s for you. I love you!