When I Was A Stripper!

silhouette of a stripper

I am a wanton sort of hussy.
And I’m not particularly fussy.
There ain’t a man I wouldn’t date.
I’ve slept with a man from every state.

The Christians say I’m bad!
They say my life is kind of sad.
But what the hell do they know?
All their prayers are just for show.

I’m not the one who’s the hypocrite.
I don’t fake it, not one bit.
I love sex and that’s a fact
And when I cum, it’s not an act.

Do not judge me for the life I lead.
I much prefer porn over a bible to read.
Your shocked face is ludicrous.
You say I am shameless and unscrupulous.

I am that and so much more
But I could never be a bore.
It ain’t in me to be prim and proper.
I aim to shock and I’m a showstopper.

I’m no granny with a toothless smile.
Watch me dance; I’ll make it worth your while.
I make the most of my seductive beauty.
While I still can, I’m gonna shake my booty.

All the men love to see me nude.
In the club, they can be so crude.
But I’m making money and I can’t complain.
Some nights I bathe in pink champagne.

I am naked and uninhibited.
And my dancing is quite undisciplined.
There ain’t a dance that I won’t do.
If the money’s right then I’m with you!

If a lap dance is what you want,
show me your wallet and I’ll show you my cunt.
Go ahead and brand me as a Jezebel.
But I’ll still be dancing when I’m in hell!

Written by,

Shelby I. Courtland

©2016 Shelby I. Courtland

I know! I know! This is a far cry from my usual. But for some strange reason, my sensual, provocative and coquettish side came out in this one. Is this about me or what? LOL! I’ll leave it for you to be the ‘judge’! *wink*

I Used Ashley Madison!

ashley madison

I got caught as a cheater,
 but I’m not a wife beater.
I used Ashley Madison.
And I had sex with Allison.

What’s so wrong with that?
The wife is always tired.
My kids get on my nerves.
So, a woman, yes, I hired.

Am I getting a divorce?
I don’t think I will.
The wife doesn’t work.
When has she paid a bill?

Marriage ain’t about sex.
It’s a mere formality.
We just need it legal
 to have a family.

I don’t make the rules.
I just play the game.
I paid to keep it secret.
And now, I face the shame.

Sift through the dirt
 and you will find me.
I’m a randy, horny bastard,
and that’s what I’ll always be!

I sit here surfing the net
looking for a new site.
The Lord knows what I need.
I need a woman for tonight!

Written by,
Shelby I. Courtland
©2015 Shelby I. Courtland

Now you can search the Ashley Madison cheaters list

The stolen database of 32 million people who used cheating website Ashley Madison has made its way to the Web. And it’s easily searchable on several websites.

Just plug in a name or email address, and you’ll find out if someone who signed up for the service.

LMAO! This is SO damn funny, I just had to have a go at it. I wrote this from the man’s perspective, but ladies, we all know that you’re on the list too. Bad girl, baaaaad girl! Fellas, we know you baaaad! ROTFLMAO! Anybody actually headed for divorce court yet? Remember, it’s cheaper to keep ‘er! LMAO!!

Bin Laden, My Precious Darling!

will the real osama please stand up

The tender sweetness of love, I once thought of as mine

And limbs that were apart were rapturously entwined.

But my love did play me false, not one word of truth, he spoke

And now I am alone again, his cock in me, he’ll never poke.

The delights of love and lust were oh so gratifying

And to be shunned by one and all, I thought was worth defying

But our love did not withstand the wholesome light of truth

A spinster, I shall remain until I am quite long in the tooth.

Bin Laden, my precious darling, I did not know that you were dead.

They tried to kill you many times and I must accept the truth with dread.

You were a dead man in my bed that I cared for so very much

The thrills I felt when in your arms, did have an icy touch

But I never concerned myself with the stiffness of your limbs

Since you wordlessly fulfilled all my wishes and my whims.

They’ll bury you a hundred times and you’ll always come back to me

We were made for each other so come back from beneath the sea!

Written by,

Shelby I. Courtland

©2015 Shelby I. Courtland

Forget all of the conspiracy theories surrounding my beloved for I mourn him still!

 

 

 

 

Be The Star Of Your Own Show!

star of the show

The duke’s daughter was a winsome little creature.
She was sought by all the fops that were in debt.
Her mind was not focused on her duty.
Nor did she care for the dandies of her set.

She approached the ‘season’ with trepidation.
Her heart wasn’t in it, not at all.
What she wanted was to be upon the stage,
and not attend yet another boring Ball.

She decided to trade places with her maid.
The two looked so very much alike.
They both were such winsome little creatures.
But her maid had qualities, unladylike.

The deception proved daunting, yes it did.
But her ladyship was headstrong more than most.
They got down to the business of trading places,
to take over the others rightful post.

Now the duke never really saw his daughter.
She was just another countless number in his brood.
His son; his heir was more important.
And the girls were eye candy to be viewed.

The transformation took place without a hitch.
The daughter of a duke began to act.
She found life quite hard in the beginning.
But she was determined to go on and not look back.

The former daughter of a duke did get her break.
She had the cutest little dimples in her cheeks.
To the stage, she took like ducks to water
And at night, she’s wined and dined by princely sheiks.

Now her likeness is married to an Earl.
He welcomes her dowry and her blushes.
Little does he know he’s been deceived,
by what he thinks is the daughter of a duchess.

Ah, the vagaries of life, what can I say
when one yearns for what the other has?
They both assume a different role,
So, let’s all jump the fence and test the grass.

Will we like what we find on the other side?
There is only one way to ever know.
Step out of your comfort zone and try,
to live life and be the star of your own show.

Written by,
Shelby I. Courtland
©2015 Shelby I. Courtland

Whatever you want to do in life, don’t let anyone or anything hold you back; not even fear. Just be the ‘star of your own show’!

A Birthday Poem For Me!

happy birthday

My birthday’s the third of this month,
and twenty years old, I will be.
Don’t question this lie I just told,
’cause my age is a secret to me.

How soon a year does pass.
I just wanted to curl up and cry.
Sixteen has been gone so long,
and I hated to wave it goodbye.

I can’t even write a good rhyme,
for my eyes are misty and blue.
Now look, they’re quite puffy and red,
from the fact that my waistline just grew.

Oh no, I am losing my hair,
and I’m so much younger than you.
I’ve got almost all of my teeth,
but I can still bite an apple and chew.

Take me away for the day,
no Big Macs or Whoppers for me.
Pour me some bubbly delight,
I’ll be drunk when I turn forty-three.

Another year down the drain.
One minute you’re young,
and the next you are old,
and they tell me the fat lady’s sung.

I tell you, I’m not all that old,
though I feel some aches and pains.
It’s only because I’m not limber,
and I use not one but two canes.

So my birthday is October 3rd,
a day that I’ll never forget.
I was given my own credit card,
and I’ll never get out of this debt.

Oh to hell with the number of years,
that have come and gone so fast.
If life is a big ole test,
then this birthday will be unsurpassed!

Written by,
Shelby I. Courtland

As the years pass, I gotta make fun of the passage of time and getting another year older. I look at it this way, tis better to be able to look at daisies as opposed to being in the position of pushing them up for us to look at them! I write this today for tomorrow, I shall be deep in my birthday flute!! Cheers to everyone that shares a birthday on October 3rd and hey! It beats sharing one on Halloween! LMAO!!! And may the Oktoberfest begin!!

An Old Gnarled Tree?

imagesVAVU1MLD

Leaning carelessly up against a wicket gate,
having lurched to it in a drunken state.
Straight from the Horse And Goose Liver Inn,
from the fog in my mind, a tale I’ll spin.

On a moonlit night, I did see
two lovers ensnared in rhapsody.
Twas a sight to behold,
those lovers so bold.

In a fierce embrace
of twine and lace,
they rose from the lake
like a glistening snake.

Sparkling droplets fell
as my bleary eyes beheld
ragged limbs unfold
and an owl did scold.

But no glances or blushes
or whispered hushes
did they exchange with me
this old gnarled tree.

Sprinkles of rain on eyelashes, landed
and now I know why my vision was slanted.
No more will I drink to befuddle my mind
a menace of a vice and much maligned.
If a drunk speaks sober, then what does she see,
two lovers mistaken for an old gnarled tree?


Written by,
Shelby I. Courtland
©2014 Shelby I. Courtland

Well, I am quite sure that this little lighthearted piece will be a welcome change. Newsflash! It won’t last long.

“You Gossiping Old Cow!”

original_screen-printed-gossiping-cow-tea-towel

Tongues are never idle and lips are never still,

you can listen all day but do you ever get your fill

of tidbits of gossip to spread down the vine

but if they gossip about you, is that where you draw the line?

 

 

Animated faces as secrets are told,

does small town living never get old?

A whisper in the ear, a lifting of the brow,

“I’m outta here, you gossiping old cow!”

Written by,

Shelby I. Courtland

©2014 Shelby I. Courtland

Gossip, the curse of small town living. Some people love small towns and some people hate ’em! Me? I hated it and left. My mother would always say, “I can sit on my front porch and find out what you girls are up to.” Well this one is for you, mother!

LOL! I had fun with this one. Oh!, and fuck small towns!

Your Man’s A Red-Tailed Hawk! LOL!

220px-RedTailDisplay

If your man don’t make you holler,
there is something seriously wrong.
When you’re feeling hot and bothered,
strut before him in a thong.

Believe me, he will look.
And don’t think you’ll get away.
Before you can blink twice,
there goes your lingerie.

When he’s satisfied and resting,
don’t expect no pillow talk.
If the sex was over in seconds,
your man’s a red-tailed hawk.

Written by,
Shelby I. Courtland
©2014 Shelby I. Courtland

“Copulation between Red-tailed Hawks lasts 5 to 10 seconds.”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red-tailed_Hawk

…and fellas! LOL! Surely, you can do better than the red-tailed hawk. Surely! LMAO!! Or then again, maybe not!

Ladies! Is YOUR man a red-tailed hawk? Let us know and we’ll offer some suggestions! We won’t laugh! Promise!!!!

She Doesn’t Want Your Nasty Ass!

prostitute

The Homeless Prostitute has been viewed so many times,
she could retire from prostitution and pay off all of her fines.

She’s been called a ‘cock sucker’ and a ‘homeless horny slut’,
and she gets unwanted ‘looks’ from every single nut.

Oh you men should get a life and stop searching for a whore.
She doesn’t want your nasty ass, so just head right for the door.

She’s too good for Johns and Pimps and she’s had enough of you.
So if you peek at her again, she just might slap you with her shoe!

Sit your randy ass down and don’t come this way again.
She’s had it up to here with the sleazy ways of men!

Written by,
Shelby I. Courtland
©2014 Shelby I. Courtland

The poor homeless prostitute cannot catch a break. Not a day has gone by that someone has not searched for the homeless prostitute. If I never get another viewing for anything that I might post, I’ll sure as hell still get views thanks to that poor homeless prostitute that I wrote about. If I had only known that the poor soul would get so much ‘unwanted’ attention, I never would have exposed her to the Peckicare pumped peckers, formerly known as the pickled, puckered peckers before Peckicare pumped the pickled, puckered peckers. All you sleazy ass Peckers out there looking for a homeless prostitute, fuck off!!! Giver ‘er room to breathe, willya????

Devil Of A Full Moon

full moon and devil

When the moon is full, I turn.
My skin just starts to burn.

The mind plays trick on me.
I am a christian don’t you see.

Hell opens up a bit to give us just a peek.
The dead get up and play, a game called hide and seek.

Demons, christians and warlocks join hands and sing a song.
They’re all one and the same and they all do get along.

They sing the stuff of legend in the glow of the first full moon.
Their singing turns to lusty shouts and no more are they heard to croon.

They dance and call for the devil as a cloud begins to hover.
The devil steps forth to claim them, after all, he is their lover.

His breath is fierce and hot and his eyes are like smoldering embers.
He is horny for all to see and he takes pride in his swollen members.

One penis, the devil does not have, he has to please his pets.
He opts to bless the doctors since the devil needs his vets.

Ah, the full moon and its powers, it brings forth insanity.
And then the devil walks the earth bringing chaos and calamity.

Pray when the moon is full and don’t get caught out in the night.
For if you meet up with the devil, remember, he has a voracious appetite!

Written by,
Shelby I. Courtland
©2014 Shelby I. Courtland