Trump’s First SOTU

“Good evening my fellow Americans. First of all, I want to assure all Americans, true Americans, that is, that I will not include in this address to the nation, any FAKE NEWS! That is CNN’s job.”

“As we celebrate America, the greatest and most exceptional country on the planet, we understand that to make America great again means to get rid of the Statue of Liberty which I never thought belonged here in the first place. Why do we want poor people from shithole countries? We don’t want the tired and poor huddled masses here raping our young white virginal girls with their filthy Mexican hands. And that is why I propose to build that wall to keep those raping Mexicans from crossing over until I need some housekeepers at Mar-a-Lago.”

“I realize that I took a lot of hits for my ‘shithole countries’ remarks when referring to people coming from Haiti and African countries, but those people who live in those shitholes are thanking me for exposing to the world, what they already know. And of course, FAKE NEWS didn’t print that.”

“However, there is much ground to cover tonight and without further ado, I shall get the show on the road. First up, we will soon have my new immigration bill signed into law and we will ignore any injunctions because a mere judge cannot undo what the President of the United States has signed into law. I am sick and tired of being told that I must answer to a higher power when there can be no higher power than the President of this great country. My new immigration bill covers not only the basics for keeping unwanted immigrants from migrating here, but this bill will also remove those who are still dreaming of remaining here. The Dreamers have been dreaming for far too long and it is quite past time that we turned their dreams into plane rides back to where their parents came from. I am quite sure that Honduras, Guadalupe, Guatemala, Cinco de Mayo and Trinidad and Tobago would welcome their people back to Latin America. America is not the only country that grows vegetables and those people who are here illegally are needed to work the fields in their parents original country of birth.”

“Next, we have to fix our infrastructure here in America because America’s infrastructure has been neglected for far too long and that is why I have signed a new executive order giving FrackAway Corporation, the absolute rights to fracking in Oklahoma, New Mexico, Stalingrad and Kansas with the assurance that there will be no serious and sustained damage to the earth and nearby drinking water wells of local residents and these people will thank me later when the price of gas goes way, way down and remains low. We will no longer be dependent on foreign oil and I have also been assured by the FrackAway Corporation that they also specialize in windmills. I want one for Mar-a-Lago and they are going to install it. Windmills remind me of those cute little pinwheels I had when I was a child and now that I’m an adult, I need adult toys.”

“What I want to do now is to introduce to you, Sgt. Dead Man Walking, Sgt. Walking has been deployed nine times to Afghanistan and since he has been in that country so long, he has been declared an Afghan citizen and he has agreed to help with the negotiations with the Taliban on getting the opium out of Afghanistan much faster than we have been able to manage thus far. By cutting down on the paperwork, Sgt. Walking will expedite the process that normally takes 19 days into a 5 day time frame from the time the plant is stripped to the time it lands at our secret Air Force base in Area 59.”

“I do realize that FAKE NEWS has been accusing me of using Twitter too much but I have been assured by Twitter that I make far less use of their services than my predecessor George W. Bush. It is my understanding that Bush and his playmate Condasleezie Rice had secret user names and they used Twitter to make secret assignations which were of course, kept secret until I inquired into Twitter usage of past presidents. Unlike what FAKE NEWS would have you believe, I am hard at work trying to make sure that I use my time to actually get things done. I have also cut my golf games down to 26 a day, 6 days a week. It was difficult, but I want the American people to know that I will not rest until every American has what he/she needs in order to be a viable asset to this great company…I mean, country.”

“Someone just whispered into my earpiece that a rumor is going around since my wife showed up here by her lonesome. Well, let me stop the rumormongers in their tracks right now. Melania came in alone at my request. I have told her time and time again that when I am dallying with another lady friend, the lady friend is apt to get jealous if she sees us together too much and that out of respect for her, my lady friend, that is, I must insist that she attend to her First Lady duties on her own. We are both adults and she does not need to hold my hand every single day.”

“Now then, it has come to my attention that some of you are still shocked and appalled that I won the presidency; stripped right from underneath ole Hillary over there! What can I say, there are just not enough Black Supremacists to counter the White Supremacists and the Black Nationalists are just now gaining their membership while the White Nationalists have been at it since 1602. And now with ANTIFA strutting around, we’ve got ourselves a big ole case of group segregation going on. What we need is yet another uncivil war to get this mess all straightened out because a house united must be divided and I aim to do just that.”

“And finally, I know that some of you are wondering why I have not fired the entire FBI and that is because I have secretly rendered that agency, impotent. The FBI no longer has the clout it once had. These so-called ‘investigations’ into my family’s affairs will cease because the Trump name and brand is spotless. We have no skeletons in our closets and despite every attempt by the Democrats, who by the way, are still suffering from their massive defeat blaming me for their losses, we are still managing to get things done because even the republicans who did not want to work with me in the beginning have come over to my side and my way of thinking. And by all means, light Twitter up tomorrow to show your support for the new tax overhaul bill, for the immigration bill and for the fact that you love number 45!”

“To the American people, the TRUE American people, I wish you a good night and to the dREAMERS, your planes are ready for takeoff!”

“My Final State Of The Union Lies!”

 

sotu 2016

 

“My fellow Americans, I stand before you this evening as a testament to what America stands for. America stands for drone strikes, bombs, torture, war, police brutality, genocide, war crimes, depravity, income inequality, homelessness, mass incarceration, slavery, great trade agreements like the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade, NAFTA and now the TPP(Trans-Pacific Partnership) and a whole list of other endearing and enduring qualities that make this the most brutal and benevolent dictatorship on the face of this planet.”

“I have been guided by the most vile elitist shits that have ever slithered anywhere. I am a mere puppet; a most willing puppet for my masters. I knew when I promised ‘hope and change’ that I was telling the biggest lie ever told, but I told it anyway. It was all about me and mine. To hell with you and yours. You, the American people, are on your own. What is to come will put the Hunger Games to shame. When I sign the TPP Agreement, it will open up a whole new can of worms that Americans will just have to swallow. This new agreement is of course, NAFTA on steroids and why should I concern myself with holding corporations accountable for anything? Corporations are going to foot the bill for the lavish lifestyle that I intend to keep on living even as I exit the White House. As accustomed as I have become to having my every wish granted and those of my family, how in the hell can I accept anything less. I will not! Count on it! I have feathered my nest and feathered it well and at the expense of the American people. You have been sold down the river Styx by me and by the rest of the worthless shits in congress.”

“If you had any idea of what is to come, you’d all kill yourselves; each and every one of you. The shit that is about to come down the pike is that horrible. But fear not! For the next president will continue the same agenda as  I have. The TPP is a done deal and there is nothing that any of you can do to stop it. That is one reason why I have placed before you, an empty chair. This chair is to serve as a reminder of just how violent you people are. How dare you accuse me of violence when I am only keeping America safe from the terrorists that we trained. I am only doing my part to get a handle on ‘death by gun violence’. Americans are enraged and that is a fact. Just take a look at all of the mass shootings that have occurred in the last few decades. Gun violence is off the charts. Now I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that police murders of real bad Black people is a bad thing. No, it is not. I am Black and therefore, take it from me, Black folks are some bad motherfuckers. I was a junior senator from Chicago and we all know that Chicago is a warzone and those Black folks are just shooting indiscriminately and in a confused and chaotic way. Those people need to be put down and eventually I am going to have to call out the National Guard to put them down since the Black folks in Chicago are calling for the resignation of my former chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel. Rahm has a tough job that no one else wants. If he is not allowed to continue on as mayor, then I don’t know what will become of Chicago. Those thugs need some ‘tough love’ and who better to deliver it to them then Rahm Emanuel. Rahm, stay the course!”

“I know that I briefly touched on the TPP(Trans-Pacific Partnership) but I shall take this time to expound on it even further. You see, there is a lot of misinformation out there and I am going to put that to rest right now by telling the truth regarding this wonderful new trade agreement that will be completely beneficial to the American people and take it from me, there is not one detail that was overlooked in making sure that the American people will not suffer with the implementation of the TPP. The real deal about the TPP is this. The TPP is a revolutionary new concept that will foster partnerships around the globe that will increase American exports by leaps and bounds. It will in effect, level the playing field so that American small businesses will be able to do business on a global scale. They will no longer be hindered by tariffs and other taxes that were designed to make it less desirable for them to attempt to do business other than locally. American businesses will have so many more options open to them. This trade agreement partners with eleven other countries; thereby opening up a new customer base for American businesses to sell their merchandise to. American companies will now be able to do a more lucrative business since they will be able to sell their merchandise directly to Australia, Japan, Canada, Malaysia, Peru, Vietnam, Chile, Brunei, Singapore, Mexico and New Zealand. Now, I ask you, how is this a bad thing? It is not. The problem with many opponents of this agreement is their inability to accept change. Change is a fundamental concept of doing business. We cannot allow ourselves to stagnate and become a victim of isolationism.”

“America was built on trade agreements. There would be no America if not for trade agreements. Where would we be if not for the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade Agreement; an agreement between African kings and Europeans whereas the Europeans traded their knowledge of Christianity to the African kings in exchange for a ‘show of hands’ in deciding who wanted to immigrate to America to ‘slave away’ to build up America? I am well aware of the benefits of trade agreements because my dear wife, Michelle Obama would not be my wife if it were not for the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade Agreement. Thank you Massa, sir! I have the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade Agreement to thank for my two lovely daughters, Sasha and Malia. All’s well that ends well, as I always say.”

“I realize that I have been accused of attempting to ‘fast track’ this agreement so as to deny congress even a glimpse of the details. The conspiracy theorists are at it again. I want to assure the American people that I am fed up with conspiracy theorists. They do nothing but foster disbelief in my sincerity and by demanding that something be done about my lack of transparency in so far as the TPP is concerned and this in turn, undermines my ability to see to it that more Americans enjoy the American dream of business ownership. And believe me, it is a dream!”

“It is my understanding that there are other false rumors floating around out there that the TPP will actually kill more dolphins because dolphins travel with tuna, however, America has long stood with the dolphins even to the point of enacting a law called the ‘Dolphin Safe Label’ which is designed to minimize dolphin fatalities during fishing for tuna for canning. If people are so worried that the TPP will ignore these laws and policies then I have just one suggestion, “Stop eating tuna! That would solve that tiny little problem and it really is that simple.”

“Now then, a little bird told me the other day that many are concerned that corporations will be able to sue America. Hogwash! Just because TransCanada is suing the U.S. over that Keystone XL pipeline issue,  is no reason to think that other corporations all across the globe will follow suit. And even though, some think that the U.S. will lose that $15 billion lawsuit, I have the word of every corporate executive from ALL corporations in all twelve countries involved in this TPP Agreement that they promise NOT to bring suit against the U.S. for any reason; now and forever more. I believe them just as I still believe in the innocence of every Wall Street banker that caused the economic collapse of 2008 and my belief in them as well as former Department of Justice head, Eric Holder’s belief in them resulted in not one of those criminals viewing life from behind prison walls. Banks are capable of regulating themselves and they are doing a fine job. I trust them to continue. That is what America is all about, trust. If you can’t trust corporate executives, who can you trust?”

“Never let it be said that I neglected to address all of the issues that the conspiracy theorists are going on and on about regarding the Trans-Pacific Partnership Agreement. Folks are even claiming that the food Americans eat will somehow lack oversight due to lax safety measures. Relax, your food will continue to meet high standards and will be inspected by the USDA and the FDA and by a brand new agency that I will announce at my upcoming ‘town hall meeting’ that will be held in Oregon at the Wildlife Refuge that has been taken over by American patriots who are merely standing up for the right to commit arson to cover up other crimes and attempt to get away with it. There is nothing wrong with a bit of patriotism especially if you are the ‘white’ color!”

“Where was I? Oh yes, more good news. The ‘made in America’ label is destined for a comeback thanks to the TPP since Japan has just signed on to purchase all of Japan’s flags from the U.S. Every single Japanese flag will have a ‘made in America’ label. I can just hear the sounds of construction work on new flag making businesses as I speak. Not to be left out, Mexico has requested that all of its drugs be labeled ‘destined for America’. Now, who can compete with that? Americans have been begging for inexpensive drugs and now we are finally able to advise you that you will get your wish.”

“Some Americans are concerned about their jobs. Your job at McDonalds is safe. If you work for a temp agency, nothing will change. You will continue to report to wherever the temp agency employs you, temporarily, and we will continue to count you, statistically speaking, as a full-time employee when adjusting the unemployment figures. Your hard work is recognized and never you doubt it. For those of you who are currently labeled as ‘lay-abouts, otherwise known as ‘the unemployed’, you will soon find that there will be work aplenty at making flags for Japan. Hone up on your sewing skills. Get ready for a deluge of orders.”

“This should clear up all concerns the American people have over the Trans-Pacific Partnership Agreement and with that being said, I would now like to address AGAIN, the reason for the empty chair that I invited to my final SOTU address. This chair is extremely important due to the fact that it stands for every ‘white’ person that is not here that I would have invited if they had not been shot dead by the guns they worship. This empty chair is representative of all the ‘white’ folks that have perished thanks to lax gun control laws. It is time that we take a stand. The time is now and I take a stand today. I have already, by  means of executive orders, attempted with my pen to enact even more strict guidelines for gun purchases. Real bad Black folks need to understand that they should just stop murdering ‘white’ folks! So by my implementing these new strict measures, real bad Black folks that show up at gun shows by the thousands will have a hard time purchasing an arsenal of weapons that they use to shoot up little ‘white’ kids like they did at Sandy Hook Elementary School. They will not have the ability to shoot up movie theatres and college campuses and their own churches in the south. I have no idea why slavery was ever abolished because it is crystal clear that these real bad Black folks that are hell bent on killing ‘white’ folks need some guidance, a whip and some shackles. I am attempting to address this problem by mass incarceration. Soon, the figures will be revealed that we have ‘abducted’ and imprisoned even more real bad Black folks than has already been reported. The numbers lie. There are millions more unaccounted for.”

“I have instructed the slave patrols via the Department of Justice to see to it that Black folks are kept in their place and the only place they have in our society is behind bars; for their own good of course; other than that, dead is good! This TPP Agreement will not affect them because the Blacks that we lock up will continue to provide America with their contributions of free labor.”

“In closing, I would like to add that it has been my greatest pleasure to have been elected as the first Black President of the United States. I promised ‘hope and change’ and I do believe that I have delivered on my promise. There is no ‘hope’ for America and Americans will not be able survive the ‘change’ that is about to come. My Administration, as I promised, has been the most transparent in the history of this great nation. I have been transparent about the fact that I love drones, war, torture, lies, hypocrisy, brutality, corruption, barbarity and censorship. Thanks to my leadership, America started and is in the middle of every fracas from here to South America, the Middle East, Ukraine and the South China Sea. It is our business to mind the business of every country and nation on this planet and we shall not fail in bringing democracy to each and every one of them for humanitarian purposes, of course. America reigns as the supreme Superpower and she will continue the course of wars, occupation and hegemony. Finally, the question has been presented to me as to whom I will back as the next president. That is an easy question to answer. Why, Ted Cruz, of course, for the simple reason being that neither he nor I were born in America!”

“May God help the American people! Thank you and goodnight!”

You Won’t Sit Out This Show!

tragedy

When news is no longer news,
and its relevance has quickly waned,
it is because you do not care.
your outrage was clearly feigned.

When they point you in a direction
and say, “Here is your enemy!”
You gladly climb onboard,
and believe their lies, most readily.

Will you ever see the big picture,
and not focus on the absurd?
Is that why you wish to sleep,
and never have your dreams disturbed?

The awakening is here!
What’s before you must be faced!
If you are not prepared,
then I advise you to make haste.

This not at all a conspiracy.
You can lay that point to rest.
It is not about inducing fear.
And it’s not a broadcast test.

Wake up and take a look.
Behold reality!
It could all have been avoided,
the part you’ll play in this tragedy!

Written by,
Shelby I. Courtland
©2015 Shelby I. Courtland

So, do you want the good news first or the bad news? Okay! Okay! I’ll give you the ‘good’ news first. “Hear ye! Hear ye!” The retail earthquake has struck! And even though the average price of gas is $2.00 per gallon, that’s not been enough to ‘fuel’ a spending frenzy. Why ever not? With gas prices so low, why aren’t people shopping like mad instead of store after store announcing closings and bankruptcies? What? They can’t spin the shit out of shit and turn it into cotton candy any longer? JC Penney is closing more stores as is Macy’s, Sears and Kmart. RadioShack is closing more stores and is filing for bankruptcy protection. Good news, right?

And isn’t this nice? Homelessness in LA is much worse than previously thought. Really? Get outta here! Who would have thought? More good news?

And what’s more, we haven’t even begun to hit rock bottom yet. Not by a long shot! Another housing crisis is upon us! It seems that rents just about everywhere are skyrocketing and since many Americans are still reeling from the not too distant foreclosure crisis, renting is the only option and with an aging population and factor in low earnings, things ain’t looking so good. But that’s good news because we still get to tweet and ‘like’ each other all over Facebook, for now.

But check this out! According to Obama, “The shadow of crisis has passed,” he said, “and the State of the Union is strong.” Uh…what fairytale book was he reading out of? Delusional much Barack? Obama trumpeted job growth and other signs of recovery from the ashes of the 2008 economic crisis. Sheeeut! Job growth? JOB GROWTH? When did unprecedented numbers of retail closings and bankruptcies equate to ‘job growth and other signs of recovery’? Put that bullshit samich down! Retail is reeling from a lack of customers with discretionary income and that is reality. So that fluff that Obama is attempting to sell? It ain’t cotton candy, it’s fluffed shit! Oh, we’re doing fine. No worries folks. Folks, if I were you, I’d worry and I’m going to give you some advice. So pay attention.

Whatever bills you get, look them over carefully. Check your bank balance daily. Cut back on non-essential doodads. Buy on-sale items and only what you need. Something is going down and it’s going to get ugly. Case in point. My internet/phone bill is usually $65.00 a month. Saturday, when my bill came, it was $101.38. When I perused the hell out of the bill, the company had charged me double for Federal taxes and charged me for internet security that they weren’t providing. Here is what I did. I hung up and I called them back and I said, “speak loudly and clearly as this call is being taped for a complaint that will be filed with the Attorney General’s office. Now, tell me AGAIN, why you are charging me double for Federal taxes and for services that you are not providing!” After I hung up, my bill is now $35.00.

This morning, I called my bank to check my balance. There was a $2.00 ‘statement fee’ listed under posted transactions. When the customer service rep came on the line, I said, “speak loudly and clearly as this call is being taped for a complaint that will be filed with the Attorney General’s Office. I said, “When did you notify me that I was going to be charged a $2.00 ‘statement fee’? I must first be advised of new fees BEFORE they apply!” The $2.00 fee is being removed. However, I was told that this new fee is a monthly fee that is being charged to my account to pay for the bank to mail to me my bank statement. They are now charging me $24.00 a year for me to receive my bank statement, a statement that I hadn’t been charged for in the past. If I do all my banking online, no fee. I am not doing my banking, online. If the hackers can hack into government computers, then they damn sure as hell can hack into my shit, even with protection.

The shit is about to hit the fan and companies are attempting to rip you off more than ever in any way they can. I’ve never seen it this bad. And I have seen some bad shit! Protect yourself because this party is seriously over folks.

Oh that’s right, I promised you some bad news! A liquor store is opening up two miles down the highway from me! Oh happy day! Oh happy day! The booze will chase my blues away! Hallelujah! If you need a job, try and get hired at a liquor store. They’ll be the last to go out-of-business, believe me! That’s bad news that I can take!

The State of the Union Speech…for real!

SOTU

First of all, let me be clear, I did not look at the State of the Union speech last night, but here is my take on it.

“My fellow Americans, let me be clear. I love you all and I love America! We are at a turning point in America’s history. I have created so many unemployed people, that I have been contacted by the Guinness Book of World Records for this submission. I have closed so many retail stores, I believe I have broken another record. I have drone struck so many innocent people in foreign lands that our drone program is in no danger of ending. I have deposed so many other evil dictators, the world is a much safer place, especially in Libya and Iraq. That mess I got started over in Ukraine, uh, I mean…that Putin got started over in Ukraine is going just as planned. Venezuela is feeling our wrath and will continue to do so until they realize just who is in charge of their country. I have opened relations with Cuba for our, uh, their benefit. Oil production is at an all-time high and our shale industry is doing great. In fact, I just received a thank you letter from some folks in Texas who haven’t yet received their lay-off notices. Real bad Black folks who were caught with a dime bag of weed on them will be incarcerated for 30 years and so white folks, go ahead and take that deep sigh of relief. The prison industrial complex is in full swing and mostly privatized as that is what free market enterprise is all about. The government should not corner the market. There are enough prisoners to fill all institutions. There is no need for more schools since our poor are in prison. There is no need to pass legislation to rein in Wall Street as they are great at overseeing what they do. Those folks are the best.

We have several distinguished guests with us tonight. First up, we have Jack Black who wrote a letter to Santa begging him to let him get an education and grow up to be a successful entrepreneur. His greatest hope is that he does not find himself on the business end of an AK-47 held by New York’s finest in blue. And I am here to help him with his dreams of entrepreneurship because my Administration has approved $20.00 in funding for new business enterprises for Black inner city youth and this young man should have the ability to open as many shoeshine stands on the streets of New York City as is possible for him to realize his dream.

As you all are aware, we just celebrated Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day, and I must say, Dr. King visited me in my dreams last night and thanked me for the wonderful job that I am doing in increasing unemployment in Black communities all across America. Dr. King praised me for increasing child poverty to unprecedented levels because even Dr. King understood the premise of pulling yourselves up by your very own bootstraps. He could never tolerate slackers. Look how much marching he did. That was quite a stretch, marching from Selma to Montgomery. Dr. King realized that the rich prop the economy up and that serfs and peasants are needed and therefore, we have created a nice little niche for said serfs and peasants to slave away all day long; cleaning the toilets of the rich, handing them their lattes across the counters of Starbucks, ringing up their purchases at Nordstrom’s and of course, bowing and scraping to them as they dust and vacuum their homes.

At the start of my first term, I did what I had to do and that is why not one Wall Street thug that caused the economic collapse went to jail because those thugs are necessary to uphold the very foundation of the economic status of millions of Americans. How else could Americans lose their homes? These self-sacrificing thugs are up all night swilling champagne and trying to formulate plans to make more Americans homeless because that builds character and if I may go back to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., for a minute. Dr. King said, “Do not judge me by the color of my skin, but by the content of my character.” So, as you can see, my inspiration tonight comes from Dr. K. Wassup man? Dr. King was all for building on character. Don’t worry about your skin color. I am half Black and half white and I stand before you as president of the greatest militarized country on the planet. If we maintain our military, then we don’t need to fund food stamp programs. Seniors can take cuts in their Social Security benefits and the Disabled can join our military in the bullet making department. We even have openings at various drone sites all across the country. Even a senior citizen can put some bi-focal glasses on, cite innocent foreign targets and with the touch of a button, send them to hell. These are mean times we live in folks. We’ve created so many terrorists that we just may have to reinstitute the draft. By doing so, we will put more people to work because we have jobs available in the military for the blind, crippled and the crazy. Hell! That’s what we turn our service men and women into anyway and we need some fresh blood ‘cause the troops ain’t looking so great.

We have another distinguished guest with us tonight. This lady from Little Rock, Arkansas wrote to me about her need for housing. Joan Bloomers, where are you? Oh, there you are. Please, let her out of the cage so that she can acknowledge my acknowledgement of her. I thought I told you Joe to prepare a bath for Ms. Bloomers. The homeless shelter she is staying at has bedbugs and lice and no hot showers. Thank you for your letter Ms. Bloomers, now back inside your cage, if you will! Now, I know what some of you are thinking. John Rabid Dog McCain has twelve houses and I bet that he would not even miss one and could therefore, give one of his homes to Ms. Bloomers here. You know what? I wouldn’t even think of asking John Rabid Dog McCain to give up not even one of his homes because well, why should he? Ms. Bloomers needs the assistance of her community and since I was a community organizer, I am well aware that the community should have come together to provide some assistance for Ms. Bloomers’ housing needs. HUD is underfunded due to the needs of our military and unfortunately for Ms. Bloomers, I cannot offer her a Section 8 Housing Choice Voucher at this time. Be patient, Ms. Bloomers and patience is its own reward. Have faith in your Lord and Savior Ms. Bloomers and know that he shall deliver you out of the cold of winter and into the warmth of the Pearly Gates.

And in closing, let me say, fellow Americans, I take much pride in informing you that I intend to start a new two year community college program for all 2nd graders. This program will be funded through tax increases on the class that used to be the middle class but has now descended into the underprivileged class, but not to worry folks. After the 2nd graders take the TAS standardized entrance tests for the two year community college program, that will weed out the wheat from the chaff and only the brightest minds will be qualified. They will be the exceptional ones and as you all know, we here in America, pride ourselves on our exceptionalism. So remember, my fellow Americans, I have decreased high paying jobs, I have increased the need for food stamps. I have increased child poverty by leaps and bounds. I have committed more war crimes than I can shake a stick at and all that I have done is because of my love for America. We shall continue to reign as the most impoverished but the most militarized, warring nation on the face of this planet. Our motto is, “We came, we saw, we conquered, we blew it up and we went back and we blew it up again!” Now take that ISIS AND Vladimir Putin!

God bless America! And thanks to me, may God help the American people! Thank you!”