Sarah Huckabee Sanders, White House Press Secretary Was Kicked Out Of Restaurant On Suspicion Of Being Transgender

The White House is an uproar because Sarah Huckabee Sanders was kicked out of a restaurant because ‘she’ refused to show her ID to a bathroom attendant who mistakenly thought that ‘she’ might actually be a ‘he’. The bathroom attendant took one look at Sanders and said, “Excuse me sir, but I need to see your ID before allowing you into the Ladies Restroom. There are ladies in there who may not be comfortable using the restroom with a man.” Sanders refused to produce ‘her’ ID for inspection citing laws that precluded ‘her’ from having to do so and was bodily thrown out of the restaurant. The CEO of the restaurant chain reached out to Sanders to assure ‘her’ that the restaurant’s staff would be -retrained to make sure that incidents of this nature would not happen in the future.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders, then chose another restaurant to feed at(The Purple Duck) and this time she was asked to leave by the owner citing an 1850’s law that barred flaming liars from dining in restaurants where honest, decent folk were partaking of a meal. Huffing and puffing from having expended much time and energy on just trying to sit down to a meal, Sanders screamed, “How dare you accuse me of lying. I work for Donald Trump, who is YOUR president. You will show respect for him by allowing me to dine at your establishment. Now get out of my way. I am going back to my table.” The owner then told her staff to collect all plates, utensils and glassware from the table and refuse to take an order for food or drink.

Those in Sanders party turned to Sanders and demanded an explanation as to why they were being refused service. Sanders then explained about the 1850’s law barring flaming liars from dining in restaurants with honest, decent folk. All to a one, Sander’s group jumped up, threw down their napkins and stalked out, leaving Sander’s to follow in their wake. They were heard mumbling that it just wasn’t fair to hold them accountable for their job of lying for Trump. They merely had a job to do and though it isn’t easy, someone has to do it.

The group then made their way back to the White House, whereupon, Sarah Huckabee Sanders went into ‘her’ office and repaired ‘her’ makeup. This is the result.

Sanders then conference-called her hungry co-workers and told them to meet her in front of the White House, a limo was waiting. Sanders and co-workers went to the Red Hen Restaurant in Lexington, Virginia expecting to be treated to the finest cuisine the state of Virginia has to offer. The party was led to a table and seated, whereupon the server, with expressions of awe on his face, approached the owner to tell her all about who had so graced their establishment with her presence. The owner upon hearing that Sarah Huckabee Sanders, White House Press Secretary for Draft-dodger-in-Chief, Donald J. Trump, was in her establishment, flew into a rage, she was that appalled that such lowlifes would enter her establishment and expect to be treated as though they were human beings as opposed to what they were; pigs to be taken out back and fed at the trough.

The owner of the Red Hen, though a bit flustered and uncertain, marched over to Sanders’ table, cleared her throat and said, “We don’t serve YOUR kind in here!” We have standards ya know! The entrance for YOUR kind is out back! Kindly step this way, if you please!”

Sanders and company got up and followed the owner of the Red Hen to a side door, which she opened and motioned for Sanders and the group to go through. On the other side of the door was an old sign still hanging by one nail. The sign read, “Colored Entrance Only!” Tacked over the top part of the sign, was a bright piece of yellow paper with the wording, “Liars For Trump Entrance Only!” Below the sign was a trough. The menu was tacked to the side of the trough and had only two drinks and two entrees listed; Horse Jizz and Cement Mixer were the drinks and the entrees were Buzzard Stew and Possum gumbo.

Outraged yet again, Sarah Huckabee Sanders slapped the owner of the Red Hen across her mouth and bellowed, “Donald Trump is going to hear about this and the tweets about this restaurant are going to put you out of business!” Sanders and her posse stalked off to the waiting limo, cursing and yelling something fierce.

When the group returned to the White House, Sanders immediately demanded an interview with Donald Trump to complain to him about her unsuccessful attempts at dining. Upon hearing of the terrible treatment of his biggest and most faithful liar, Trump did indeed, take to Twitter.

Apparently, Donald Trump missed the health and safety inspection memo on his beloved Mar-a-Lago.

Trump’s Mar-a-Lago Hit With 13 Health Violations in January

President Donald Trump may want to consider swinging by the kitchen when he visits his plush Mar-a-Lago resort this weekend.

Florida health inspectors found more than a dozen violations during a Jan. 26 check of the Palm Beach, Florida estate, according to recently published reports from the Florida Department of Business and Professional Regulations.

Three of those violations were labeled high priority, meaning they could contribute to foodborne illness. The club did, however, meet the minimum standards to remain in operation.

The high-priority violations for the club, which has a $200,000 initiation fee, were:

  • Fish prepared to be served raw or undercooked had “not undergone proper parasite destruction.” The inspectors ordered that the fish either be fully cooked or discarded.
  • Raw meats in two of the club’s coolers were over, some significantly, the regulated 41 degrees Fahrenheit. Ham was measured at 57 degrees, beef and duck were both at 50, and poultry warmed to 49. One walk-in cooler was mistakenly set to defrost, according to the report.
  • Inspectors told kitchen staff to empty broken coolers and not use again until they’re fixed.

No wonder Sarah Huckabee Sanders and other White House personnel were attempting to dine at any establishment other than one that is associated with their boss and how in the world can Trump condemn another establishment when his is in no better condition? But then we ALL know that Trump is tone deaf when it comes to negativity aimed at him or his many ‘businesses’, hence why Twitter will never go belly up as long as Trump is America’s president.  It would seem that sometimes, it just doesn’t pay to be a paid pathological liar for President Donald J. Trump. Just ask Sarah Huckabee Sanders and crew who don’t even want to eat at Mar-a-Lago even though it meets the minimum standards to remain in operation. I guess since that’s the case, I would be on the prowl for another eating establishment as well.

Chipotle, Taco Bell and the Kmart on Lake Street in Minneapolis is Closed Today!

immigrant-protest

 

Businesses close as immigrants stay home to protest Trump

In what has been heralded as an unprecedented attack on germs and bedbugs in America, “A Day Without Undocumented Workers,” whereas Chipotles and Taco Bells and Days Inns all across America did not open for business today, has been considered a resounding success. Also, in Minneapolis, MN, the only Kmart still standing is also closed in recognition of all the undocumented workers who work there but who are using someone else’s Social Security number. Thank You! One less ‘Identity Theft’ day!

Also, not to be outdone, Days Inn is telling its guests that they are going to have to do their own housekeeping and check-in. No reservations are being accepted today since the call center, located in Mexico City, had all its workers walk off the job in solidarity with their American counterparts. ‘The Taco Truck’ that used to be parked at the corner of Frito Lay Way and Ponce de Leon Drive in ‘Spanish Harlem’ New York will not be there as usual. A notice on a nearby post reads,

“En solidaridad con nuestros hermanos y hermanas indocumentados, ¡cerraremos el día!” “In solidarity with our undocumented brothers and sisters, we will close for the day!”

Although, this move was anticipated, it is having far reaching effects on many communities, nationwide. Americans who did not stock up on refried beans, tacos, Guacamole, tamales and fajitas are finding it difficult to obtain these items if guests are clamoring for them at dinner parties. To make matters worse, grocery stores are selling out of fajita and taco kits. Liquor stores nationwide are reporting a run on tequila and Corona. Also, roofing companies are reporting that their work crews are a no-show. California is having a hard time finding American workers to tend the fields as no one has come in to pick the harvest. A request was posted in the California Produce Growers Gazette for any Americans willing to bend over fields of corn, string beans, squash, watermelon and cantaloupe. Also attached to the request was the wording, “This does not apply to descendants of slaves as you have more than done your part!”

Activists called on [undocumented] immigrants to stay home from work, avoid shopping and eating out and skip classes in an effort to highlight the vital role they play in American society. This will make it extremely difficult for ICE officials(Immigration and Customs Enforcement)to pick you up and process you for deportation.
Churches are rolling out the red carpet to assist with any who may be swept up by ICE raids and a standoff will commence between church and state. Several DREAMers, short for Development, Relief and Education for Alien Minors Act, who were given the ‘all clear’ under the Obama Administration are now fair game under the new Trump Administration. Churches, seen as safe havens are now harboring fugitives from justice; people who have stolen the identity of others and who are using it to remain in this country.

One reporter caught up with a regional manager at Chipotle and when asked why had Chipotles closed nationwide, had this to say, “Please keep my name out of this but the majority of our work force is undocumented and if not for those who know how Mexican food should be cooked, we could not stay in business. Americans do not know how to cook Mexican food. We do realize that what we are doing is illegal, but so is using deformed chickens, but we use them anyway; that profit margin thing you know and why pick on us, everyone knows that Smithfield Meat Packing Plant hires only undocumented workers as does Taco Bell and the Kmart on Lake Street in Minneapolis, MN!”

And even the Pentagon is getting in on the action.

At the Pentagon, about half a dozen food outlets were forced to close after staff members joined the protest, including a Starbucks, a Taco Bell and a Burger King, according to a Defense Department spokesman.

Since the closing of these restaurants, no one at the Pentagon has come back to work after lunch complaining of nausea, diarrhea, upset stomach, vomiting and heartburn. This is suspected as the real reason employees at the Pentagon joined in the protest; they were tired of missing work thanks to gastric disturbances that occurred right after lunch, mainly after eating at Taco Bell.

One upside to this movement is that it is occurring during the winter months and so it has no noticeable effect on yard work. We expect this standoff to have been worked out by the time grass cutting and serious tree trimming work is necessary. Thankfully, so far, not much snow has fallen across the country that would lead to a mass shutdown of services due to a shortage of workers willing to shovel snow. Those of us who employ undocumented workers do so because we can. And just as soon as all of this blows over, we will give our contacts in Mexico, a call and our profits will be back in the ‘black’.

Americans just do not understand the absolute necessity for undocumented workers. If you will not clean your homes, cut your grass, re-tile your roof, clean your hotel rooms and cook your burritos and tacos, someone must and we have workers who are most happy to fill these positions for mere pesos…uh…I mean pennies…uh…dollars. Plus, they can’t complain because we know that one word from us and ICE is all over their ass! And there are plenty more where they came from. So, shut the hell up and let us get on with the business of using undocumented workers to continue to keep America, grinding along! Bienvenidos a América!

A Birthday Poem For Me!

happy birthday

My birthday’s the third of this month,
and twenty years old, I will be.
Don’t question this lie I just told,
’cause my age is a secret to me.

How soon a year does pass.
I just wanted to curl up and cry.
Sixteen has been gone so long,
and I hated to wave it goodbye.

I can’t even write a good rhyme,
for my eyes are misty and blue.
Now look, they’re quite puffy and red,
from the fact that my waistline just grew.

Oh no, I am losing my hair,
and I’m so much younger than you.
I’ve got almost all of my teeth,
but I can still bite an apple and chew.

Take me away for the day,
no Big Macs or Whoppers for me.
Pour me some bubbly delight,
I’ll be drunk when I turn forty-three.

Another year down the drain.
One minute you’re young,
and the next you are old,
and they tell me the fat lady’s sung.

I tell you, I’m not all that old,
though I feel some aches and pains.
It’s only because I’m not limber,
and I use not one but two canes.

So my birthday is October 3rd,
a day that I’ll never forget.
I was given my own credit card,
and I’ll never get out of this debt.

Oh to hell with the number of years,
that have come and gone so fast.
If life is a big ole test,
then this birthday will be unsurpassed!

Written by,
Shelby I. Courtland

As the years pass, I gotta make fun of the passage of time and getting another year older. I look at it this way, tis better to be able to look at daisies as opposed to being in the position of pushing them up for us to look at them! I write this today for tomorrow, I shall be deep in my birthday flute!! Cheers to everyone that shares a birthday on October 3rd and hey! It beats sharing one on Halloween! LMAO!!! And may the Oktoberfest begin!!

“You Gossiping Old Cow!”

original_screen-printed-gossiping-cow-tea-towel

Tongues are never idle and lips are never still,

you can listen all day but do you ever get your fill

of tidbits of gossip to spread down the vine

but if they gossip about you, is that where you draw the line?

 

 

Animated faces as secrets are told,

does small town living never get old?

A whisper in the ear, a lifting of the brow,

“I’m outta here, you gossiping old cow!”

Written by,

Shelby I. Courtland

©2014 Shelby I. Courtland

Gossip, the curse of small town living. Some people love small towns and some people hate ’em! Me? I hated it and left. My mother would always say, “I can sit on my front porch and find out what you girls are up to.” Well this one is for you, mother!

LOL! I had fun with this one. Oh!, and fuck small towns!

Your Man’s A Red-Tailed Hawk! LOL!

220px-RedTailDisplay

If your man don’t make you holler,
there is something seriously wrong.
When you’re feeling hot and bothered,
strut before him in a thong.

Believe me, he will look.
And don’t think you’ll get away.
Before you can blink twice,
there goes your lingerie.

When he’s satisfied and resting,
don’t expect no pillow talk.
If the sex was over in seconds,
your man’s a red-tailed hawk.

Written by,
Shelby I. Courtland
©2014 Shelby I. Courtland

“Copulation between Red-tailed Hawks lasts 5 to 10 seconds.”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red-tailed_Hawk

…and fellas! LOL! Surely, you can do better than the red-tailed hawk. Surely! LMAO!! Or then again, maybe not!

Ladies! Is YOUR man a red-tailed hawk? Let us know and we’ll offer some suggestions! We won’t laugh! Promise!!!!

She Doesn’t Want Your Nasty Ass!

prostitute

The Homeless Prostitute has been viewed so many times,
she could retire from prostitution and pay off all of her fines.

She’s been called a ‘cock sucker’ and a ‘homeless horny slut’,
and she gets unwanted ‘looks’ from every single nut.

Oh you men should get a life and stop searching for a whore.
She doesn’t want your nasty ass, so just head right for the door.

She’s too good for Johns and Pimps and she’s had enough of you.
So if you peek at her again, she just might slap you with her shoe!

Sit your randy ass down and don’t come this way again.
She’s had it up to here with the sleazy ways of men!

Written by,
Shelby I. Courtland
©2014 Shelby I. Courtland

The poor homeless prostitute cannot catch a break. Not a day has gone by that someone has not searched for the homeless prostitute. If I never get another viewing for anything that I might post, I’ll sure as hell still get views thanks to that poor homeless prostitute that I wrote about. If I had only known that the poor soul would get so much ‘unwanted’ attention, I never would have exposed her to the Peckicare pumped peckers, formerly known as the pickled, puckered peckers before Peckicare pumped the pickled, puckered peckers. All you sleazy ass Peckers out there looking for a homeless prostitute, fuck off!!! Giver ‘er room to breathe, willya????

All News Is Bad News And I Am Sick Of It!

reading the news

A fellow blogger wrote a poem, a sonnet, and it got me to thinking(and to all of you who think that I don’t think, zip it)and questioning, “why am I ‘following’ blogs that just paint a most horrid picture day after day and it seriously becomes depressing?” I take a look and I must admit, that more than half the time, I cannot even get through a third of it because I’m like, “damn!, I can’t take more of THAT shit!” Why are we so drawn towards the negative even when we are living the negative, many of us that is? Those who have lost their jobs, they don’t really need to keep reading about the fact that jobs are hard to find, so there’s no point in looking. They know that already. The hungry don’t need to know that food prices are skyrocketing, they see the prices at the grocery store. Those who have lost their food stamps know that they’ve lost their food stamps. They were the ones who were getting them, remember? The homeless don’t need to be told how bad it is to be homeless, they are living it remember? And they’re certainly NOT reading about it on a blog, at least not many are. Do we really need to know that we’ve got shitty ass politicians? I think most people are aware of THAT fact by now. And since no one has yet come up with a solution to ANY of this, why keep pointing out the obvious over and over again? It gets redundant.

I must admit that I am also guilty of hyping up the bad and downplaying the good. Okay, give me a few minutes and I am sure that I will be able to come up with the ‘goods’ on the good. I guess what I am trying to say is that I don’t want to see a bloody picture of dolphins being slaughtered for whatever reason. I don’t want to see a picture of what ramen noodles do to a stomach. I don’t want to read that we are headed for an even bigger collapse than the one we’ve just recently suffered, i.e., the Great Recession. If we’ve not had our head buried in the sand for the last 20 years than we’re good on knowing this.

So, for the next few weeks, I am going to go out of my way and attempt to find uplifting stories to blog about. I am going to attempt to find it in me to shake off all the negativity if only for a few weeks and attempt some ‘feel good’ poetry because every once in awhile, people need a little ‘pick me up’ because life really is too short to just look around and get bombarded from all sides by “woe is us,” stories. If there is no hope at all, then what is the point in continuing to post horrifying story after horrifying story? We get it! Now, I am off to find something funny or inspirational.

Cya on the flip side(and no, I’m not flipping you the bird THIS time!)

The Reverend Makes It Official!

Reverend Give Me All You Got's Palace of Worship

“Good morning congregation!”

“Good morning, Reverend Courtland!”

“I love enthusiasm, yes I do, because that means that when the collection plates are passed around, I know that you will give enthusiastically. Now, we’ve got a lot to cover this morning, but I will try to keep it short because there are just three days until Christmas and I’ve got much to speak about on THAT subject. But first, I want to take this opportunity to inform you that we have some visitors this morning. If you will look over toward your right, you will notice that Brother MoreBounceToTheOunce and Brother PounceAndBounce are having a time keeping LittleTearHellUp from tearing up this here holy sanctuary. We’ve got not one, but TWO hellions in here this morning. As you can see, if you look to your left, Brother Mafio and Brother Vinnie from Vinnie’s Cement Shoes and Pizza Shop on the South Side of Chicago is here to help us out with Little Badass Johnny. Give a shout out to Brother Vinnie!”

“Brother Vinnie, how’s it hanging?”

“Sister Schlut, that will be enough of THAT! Congregation, just bid Brother Vinnie, a hearty welcome!”

“Welcome, Brother Vinnie!”

“Ah, now that’s better! There are some special guests who are here with us today for this special occasion and I will at this time, take a few minutes to recognize them. We are privileged to have Sister LindaComedyAct here and trust me, with her busy comedy schedule, it took some doing to get Sister LindaComedyAct to be here as she was scheduled to appear on Comedy Dive and she also has her own club, Askme Comedy Club which is located across from her Uncle Vinnie’s Cement Shoes and Pizza Shop located on the South Side of Chicago. Give a warm welcome to Sister LindaComedyAct! AMEN!”

“Welcome, Sister LindaComedyAct!”

“I would also like to introduce to you, my favorite and ONLY PR man, Brother TubulashockPope! Wait a minute! Hold the hell up! Yes, I know we’re non-denominational, but we welcome all faiths and Brother TubularshockPope has had nothing to do with that….uh..mess with the catholic church. Brother TubularshockPope is the new Pope on campus..I mean…at the Vatican! Now, give him a damn hearty ass welcome!”

“Welcome, TubularshockPope!”

“Last but not least, we have another special guest here today and he is here at my personal behest. Give a warm welcome to Brother DavidCopAFeel!”

“Welcome, Brother DavidCopAFeel!”

“Brother DavidCopAFeel is THE best magician in the field of magic and he is here to perform a disappearing act and as much as I am paying him, he’d damn well better make that little badass disappear. Amen! Now, then I am going to ask Brother DavidCopAFeel to head on over to where Little Badass Johnny is being held down by Brother Mafio and Brother Vinnie. Now proceed with the disappearing act, Brother DavidCopAFeel!”

“Thank you Reverend Courtland for inviting me to this wonderful palace of yours of which I’ve heard so much about. It is an honor and a privilege to conduct magic in this beautiful sanctuary you have here!”

“Brother CopAFeel, get on with it!”

“Certainly, Reverend! Release Little Badass Johnny, please!”

“Hell no! Make him disappear before you release that…OUCH! Goddamn it to hell, the little bastard bit me. Get my personal physician on the damn phone, NOW! Where the hell did he go? Get my holy water!”

“Reverend, he’s got Sister LindaComedyAct and he’s dragging her down toward the basement!”

“Follow them Brother Mafio and Brother Vinnie! Don’t let that little bastard out of your sight! We’ve got to save Sister LindaComedyAct and where is Brother TubularshockPope?”

“He is over here on the floor, Reverend! That little badass Johnny knocked him out before he grabbed Sister LindaComedyAct. He’s out cold! What do we do!”

“Throw some damn holy water on him, fool!”

“Reverend Courtland, he’s starting to smoke!”

“Sister Burnathat, he cannot be smoking a cigarette if he’s out cold! What the hell is wrong with you?”

“But Reverend, he’s not smoking a cigarette, HE is smoking!”

“Oh damn, he must have been infected by the Catholic Church! Quick, get the fire extinguisher! Spray him with that!”

“Help! Help! Reverend Courtland, help!”

“Damn! That’s Sister LindaComedyAct! Brother DavidCopAFeel, get your ass over here! Now, let’s go find our good Sister LindaComedyAct! Sister Linda, we’re coming! Kick him in the balls! I said, in the balls, if you can!”

“ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

“She did it! That was that little badass Johnny! Brother CopAFeel, there he is, make his little badass disappear!”

“Everybody, stand back! Hocus Pocus, toads and deer, Little Johnny disappear!”

“He’s gone! It worked! Sister Linda, are you okay?”

“Yes, Reverend Courtland, but this is the first and the absolute last time that I will be attending this…this…absurdity of a palace of worship. This is the devil’s own stomping ground. I thought that YOU was supposed to be babysitting little badass Johnny. But I’m the one who gets dragged by the hair through the church making me lose MY religion! I told you to BAPTIZE the little convict!”

“Sister Linda, if you stay, I promise you that the sermon will more than make up for the swelling of your lip, the closed right eye and that nasty bruise on your left leg, not to mention the purpling of your ear and the hair that’s missing from the left side of your head.”

“Oh my….! How am I ever going to do my comedy routine tomorrow night looking like this! Reverend, you’re gonna pay for this…this…insanity! Where is TubularshockPope? We came here together?”

“Uh…well..there’s been another accident!”

“Oh for the love of….what now?”

“Before little badass Johnny got to you, he got to Brother TubularshockPope and he must’ve decked him one good ‘cause Brother Pope is out like a light and he was smoking!”

“Smoking?! How could he smoke if he’s out?!”

“I told Sister Burnathat to throw some holy water on him and he just started to smoke, I mean his body started smoking and so we had to extinguish him with the fire extinguisher! We can’t have him burning down the holy damn palace here, now can we?”

“Let me see TubularshockPope! Where is he?”

“Calm down Sister Linda! Sister Schlut is taking care of him and he’s in good hands with her!”

“Oh, hmm, YES Oh Yes!! AHHHHH! OHHHHHH!”

“What the hell are YOU doing Sister Schlut!”

“Oh Reverend, I was just massaging myself on Brother TubularshockPope’s hat. It’s shaped like a penis, so I thought, what the hell!”

“Reverend Courtland, how could you? You left someone with the name Sister Schlut alone with TubularshockPope and you didn’t have a clue as to what would happen when you left that slut alone with a Pope with a penis hat?”

“Well, so much was happening at once Sister Linda! We had to go after you and see to it that you were okay! Linda, Johnny was a badass as you know only too well. Look at your poor face!”

“Shut up! TubularshockPope is coming around! TubularshockPope, how are you? Do you know who I am?”

“Huh? What? Where am I? Is this the Vatican?”

“No dear TubularshockPope, you’re at Reverend Courtland’s Church of the (un)holy Rollers and you’ve been beaten senseless, apparently!”

“Oh my god! Linda?! Is that you underneath all of those bruises and swellings? I recognize you by your voice, but what happened to YOU?!”

“It’s a long story TubularshockPope and I am going to get you out of here and we are going to sue this entire palace of unholy heathens and we are going to take Reverend Courtland for all that she’s worth. Reverend Courtland, we’re putting you on notice. Start packing your stacks of ill-gotten gains as our lawyers will be in touch. Come on dear Tubularshock, let’s go! We’re getting the hell out of here before something else happens!”

“No one is going anywhere!”

“Brother Thlug! Why are you barring the door and who are these…these brutes?”

“Reverend Courtland, you and I are engaged and yet I find out that you have been having an affair with this Vinnie son of a bitch. You brought him here? Did I not protect you when Sister TalkTooMuch aka Sister KnowItAll recorded you on Black Friday? Hmmm? Speechless? You, Reverend, speechless?”

“Uh…Brother Thlug. Me and Vinnie, it was just…just business! There was never anything personal going on. You know, it’s only been you, my sweet. Always only you!”

“Save it! I have recordings. Shall I show them now?”

“Wait a minute, Brother Thlug! Maybe we can work something out!”

“Oh, we’ll work something out! Believe me! WE will work something out because you see, I’m not giving you up! You are mine and mine alone and you are going to recognize that. Now, tell this congregation that you are stepping down as the reverend here because you are getting another full-time job, that of becoming MY wife!”

“Brother Thlug! Oh my darling! I have dreamed about this day for so long. That is why I flirted with Vinnie, so that I could stir you into jealousy because I thought that you no longer cared for me because of the age difference. I am five years older than you!”

“My dear, sweet Reverend Courtland, oh fuck that! My darling Shelby, I have loved you for so damn long. I have watched you stand when others would have crumbled. I listened to your sermons and smiled to myself because as rotten as you are, you let everyone know it. No one is in any doubt that you are the devil’s own and I would not have you any other way. Every woman pales in comparison to you, my sweet! I take all of your bad ass ways, your materialistic, selfishness and I just love the fire in your eyes, my little devil! Shelby, my dear love, in front of all of these people, I am on bended knee begging you to become my wife! What do you say?”

“I will marry you, Brother Thlug! I would marry you today, if I could!”

“Uh..humm!”

“Yes, TubularshockPope?”

“I AM the Pope and therefore, I can perform the marriage ceremony and redeem the catholic church by making, official, what you two have been doing in the ways of fornicating. We at the Vatican are attempting to reclaim our once so good name and this would be a great start. Brother Thlug, do you have the rings?”

“Yes, TubularshockPope, I do! I bought them for just in case, dear Reverend…I mean..my dear Shelby said ‘yes’!”

“Wait a minute! Shelby, can I be your flower girl? I’ve got my pink crocs on and you’ve got so many beautiful flowers here. Why waste them? We can go below and get you prepared!”

“Oh Sister Linda, can you ever forgive me?”

“Of course dear Reverend! It has been my lifelong dream to be a flower girl and because of you, that dream is being fulfilled. Do not worry about that silliness earlier. A little make-up here and a little cover-up there and I should look fine for my comedy performance tomorrow night! Let’s go!”

“Brother Thlug, the next time I see you, I will be making my entrance to become your lawfully wedded wife! I love you and thank you dear TubularshockPope for coming to the rescue and I hope that you can forgive me for what’s happened to YOU today!”

“Think nothing of it Dear Reverend, my bill will be sent to you, never fear!”
—————————————————————————–
“Oh, look! Here they come!”

“My name is Crying Billiams, PBC news, reporting on the nuptials of the infamous Reverend Give Me All You Got Courtland!
LindaComedyAct is walking down the aisle, smiling and holding a beautiful spray of flowers. A makeup artist was called in and she looks just like a homeless vagrant, but a smiling one, nevertheless.
Here comes the beautiful, unholy terror, the soon-to-be former Reverend Courtland, dressed in a long white off-the shoulder gown, tan skin glowing, black hair, swept up into a chignon and still wearing her 18” ‘white’ stiletto heels(in honor of the occasion)smiling and showing those pearly white teeth that she is so famous for!”

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the joining of two young people who have long lived in sin and enjoyed every minute of it and would have continued but for the shenanigans of the Reverend here is…..!”

“TubularshockPope, get on with it or you’ll wish you had!”

“Of course, is there ANYONE in here who has reason to believe that these two should not be joined in holy matrimony? If you do, speak now or forever hold your peace!”

“I know of several reasons! The Reverend is still married to ME, for one!”

“Mack Daniels? What…what are YOU doing here?”

“Funny, you should ask since you thought I was dead seeing as how you arranged a little accident that almost, but not quite, did me in!”

“What is the meaning of this?”

“Brother Thlug, I’ve heard about you. It would seem that I am saving your hide, my good man! You should be thanking me!”

“Shelby..uh..Reverend Courtland, is this true? Is this man your husband?”

“Absolutely not! He is an imposter! My husband was killed in a freak accident on the slopes of Kilimanjaro! He was about to best Devil’s Leap when there was a gunshot and off he went and an avalanche occurred which buried him and I was told that he had not one hope of a chance of surviving that. This garbage could not possibly be my ex!”

“My sweet! That’s where you’re wrong! I did survive it and I can prove that it was YOU who caused the avalanche!”

“Mack Daniels? Daniels?”

“Vinnie?!”

“Gotta go!”

“You owe me and this time I intend to collect!”

“Vinnie, I owe you one!”

“Think nothing of it Shelby, honey! This time, I’ll make it stick!”

“Uh..hum! Is there ANYONE else who objects…”

“TubularshockPope, get on with the rings and the damn kiss, thank you so damn much!”

“Oh, yes! Quite! Brother Thlug? The rings, please? Now then, repeat after me, ‘with this ring I thee wed’! I now pronounce you husband and demon…uh..I mean..husband and wife! You may kiss Frankenstein’s bride..uh..I mean your beautiful bride!”

“This is Crying Billiams of PBC news wrapping up coverage of the wedding of the century, complete with gangsters, the mafia, hit men, the devil and all things unholy in a holy sanctuary! This religion mess is for the damn hypocrites for sure! *sob* *sob*

“Oh, isn’t she beautiful Sister NeverGotMarried?”

“Yes, she is indeed, Sister HardUp!” *sniff**sniff*

“I want to thank you all for your kindness and for all the love that has been shown me over the years as the Reverend of this here holy sanctuary, but I have a new calling now, that of wife to my dear husband here and I’ve got a feeling that all MY time is going to be accounted for. I hereby relinquish my responsibilities to this church to Sister TooHoly! Give it a go Sister, you’re in the know! Bye all!”

“Bye Reverend and many blessings and have many babies!”

“Shut your mouth, Sister Too Holy! Can you just imagine what our dear former Reverend would bring forth! It’s unthinkable!”

“I guess you’re right, Brother FuckedUpByHisBadAssKids!”

“TubularshockPope, that was a beautiful ceremony. Let’s say we go down into the basement and toast the good Reverend! I saw a stash down there that you just wouldn’t believe!”

“Let’s go Sister Linda! It’s about time I had some good stuff to ‘wet my whistle’. That mess at the Vatican, you have no idea!”

“Will we see our dear Reverend again?”

“Sister Linda, rest assured, you ain’t seen the last of that vixen! Look lively! There’s a good girl! My, but you do need some more make-up! Geesh! Make mine a strong one, just looking at you takes strength and endurance! They tore unholy hell out of you!”

To The Hackers Who Targeted ‘Target’, You’re MY Hero!!

hackers are heroes2

Hackers, thank you ever so much! I am so grateful that you got into the American version of celebrating the birth of Christ by deciding that no one should be left out of the fun and that since Americans are stupid and predictable, each and every single year, you know what to expect around this same time.

My sincere hope is that you ‘target’ every single store next year. I encourage you to up the ante and include Wal-Mart, Kmart, Kohl’s, J.C. Penney, Sears(if they’re still open), Macy’s, Bloomingdale’s, Abercrombie & Fitch, Louis Vuitton; just ‘google’ every single American store and simply go down the list and get to hacking. Soup up your hacking gear so that you can ‘target’ more stores.

Don’t worry about the Secret Service getting called in to hunt you down and though they have assumed that you’re not in America, I wouldn’t worry about that because the Secret Service is practically useless these days anyway. As much as they stay in the news for engaging prostitutes in whatever country they happen to find themselves in while covering the Americans piece of shit, hypocritical, lying ass, drone striking president, they are of no consequence.

Bring American corporations to their knees and in the process, wake the drones the hell up because the ONLY way to get their attention is through their credit/debit cards. That is THE very essence of America, “spend baby, spend!” So, if you can grind that shit to a halt, you’ve got a fan for life. You’ve already caught over 40 million ‘spend drones’ and by golly that’s a whopper. Well done! Even though, 40 million stupid, clueless shopping drones are most likely hating on you right now, I’m not because I wasn’t stupid enough to buy into “Christmas is all about shopping, fuck the savior’s birth and all that shit!”

Americans advertise, ‘religiously’, when they are going to be out in droves to spend, spend, spend and so hackers, please gear up for the next holiday spending spree and that will on be Valentine’s Day. Keep this date handy, February 14th. Flowers are the No. 1 gift and candy is right behind it. You know what to do. Check the American calendar, that will show you every holiday that Americans spend money on.

Last but not least, ‘target’ Black Friday Madness each and every single year. Americans never remember, “a fool and his/her money are easily parted.” You see, Americans have short attention spans and this will all have blown over and been forgotten by this time next year. The ads will be out touting deep discounts, so come and get it and the silly Americans will do just that! Be prepared!

Much LOVE…oh and enjoy the holidays!!!!

I Dedicate This One To Linda And Tubularsock! LMAO!!!

For Linda and Tube

If I should need a pick me up, whenever I feel down,
I’ll check to see if Linda and Tube are in my town.

They’re in a class all by themselves and both of them I love.
They complement each other, as a hand goes in a glove.

Tube is my PR man and a top notch one he is,
while Linda babysits the neighbor’s bad ass kids.

Linda’s tithes are paid in full; I toast her with some wine.
It’s left to Tube to pay the bill; on lobster, we will dine.

The Reverend is a sly one who never, ever pays.
Linda sneaks some cash to Tube, she knows the Reverend’s ways.

As the Reverend does a dine and dash, her stiletto heels do click.
She’s away before the bill arrives; the Reverend’s just that quick.

So, to all who read this poem, these three are all good friends,
until the Reverend counts her church’s dividends.

After that, all bets are off and there’ll be no musketeers.
The Reverend throws them out and boxes both their ears.

Written by,
Shelby I. Courtland
© 2013 Shelby I. Courtland

Linda can be found at http://llfrederick.wordpress.com/ and Tube can be found at http://tubularsock.com/

You’re simply THE BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!