I Am Lost And In Despair!

overwhelmed

I don’t know what to say, as usual.
The things I want to do never get done.
What I need to do always takes precedence
and I am always left to wonder and to question
just why my life has to be tied up with others
to the point where I can never do for me
the things I think I need to do for my peace of mind?
Why I have not caved and fallen and is down for the count,
I know not why because it is not for want of heavy burdens.
I cannot even bring myself to weep for my tear ducts are dry
and the sad part is that I am not getting any younger,
though I am put upon as though I am in the first bloom of youth.
Never is there any help extended to me, nor arms open to receive me.
There are only urgent matters of others that fall into my lap
waiting to be dealt with by me…always me…only me.
I am running out of time for me since me is always last.
A long, ragged breath held for an eternity must escape
but to where? To where? I am lost and in despair.

Written by,
Shelby I. Courtland
©2016 Shelby I. Courtland

This one probably doesn’t make any sense because I am just so goddamn tired, it’s unreal. I never made it to Baltimore. I got as far as Madison, WI and was in a hotel room recuperating from driving that far when I received a phone call from a hospital stating that my cousin had been hit by a train and had a fractured skull, broken neck, broken back and broken leg and that he was alert and aware and was being prepped for surgery. He fell off the train platform right directly in the path of an oncoming train.

I realize that I am probably feeling self pity for me and that I should just be thankful that my cousin is alive and is expected to make a full recovery…..after extensive rehab, of course. But once more, plans that I had made were, dare I say….derailed? It is quite obvious to me that I am not supposed to make my next stand in Baltimore for why would such a horrendous thing have happened right at the time that I was en-route? I give! I fucking give!

Love Yourself, No Matter What!

love3

She looked at the world through a veil of tears.
She felt she’d wasted so many years.
Her enemies hung her out to dry.
They told her, she would never fly.

With broken wings, she fell to the ground
and she never uttered a sound.
She accepted the lies they told.
She bought everything they sold.

She would stop after each false start;
afraid to follow her own heart.
She blamed the shit in her life on fate;
felt she’d waited ‘til it was too late.

Life had surely passed her by.
And she never questioned, “Why?”
But what she failed to understand
is that life can never, ever be planned.

There are pitfalls and highs and lows,
and those you think are friends are foes.
Never settle for second best.
You’ll feel cursed and you’ll feel blessed.

So love yourself, no matter what.
Hold your head up girl and strut!
Turn, “I can’t!” into “Yes, I can!”
And stop listening to the lies of man!

Written by,
Shelby I. Courtland

©2015 Shelby I. Courtland

 

There is so much goddamn shit going on in my life right now that I had begun to doubt myself and my strength because as much as I rail against the injustices I see perpetrated against the innocent every single day, I felt impotent. I have let myself become jaded, pessimistic and my attitude became that of a defeatist. I wondered what happened to my fire; to my spirit. Had all that makes me ,me, fled? I truly felt so! Have I recovered? No, but I am working on it! I will pick myself up, dust myself off and so long as there is breath in my body, what weapons are at my disposal, I will use them to fight back. I will not surrender to defeat! Never!