God Damned America To Hell!

Religion? In America? Hell nah! Because God damned America to hell!
Religion? In America? Hell nah! Because God damned America to hell!

Oh, so, you went to church today and got ‘religion’, did you? Fuck if you did! Ain’t no goddamn religion in these here Divided Snakes of Amurderer because God damned America to hell! You’re a lying piece of filth if you even think that you’ve got an inkling of what religion is all about. You’re fucking clueless because you think that if you bow your head and listen to some stupid ass prayer from some simple ass reverend that you’re good. You ain’t good! In fact, you so ain’t good! Your happy ass is hell bound, motherfucker! You see, you’re just another piece of worthless filth who is trying to pay their way through the pearly gates. Your reverend is a goddamn piece of shit ‘cause you’re paying him or her for services rendered; the service of assuring your worthless happy ass, a permanent spot in paradise once you blow your last breath out. Haven’t you heard? You can’t ‘buy’ your way into heaven motherfucker, oh no! You either get there on your own merits or you don’t get there at all. You go in the opposite direction. And I’ll save you some dough! You ain’t going to heaven, oh not at all. I don’t care what you do. The reason why you ain’t going to heaven motherfucker, and you know why, but you don’t want to admit to it, is because you’re a sorry, worthless, complacent, apathetic, useless piece of shit that ain’t even worth the dirt underneath your Louis Vuitton shoes and what’s more, you ain’t got a merit to stand on. That ant that you stepped on on your way into your ‘holy’ worshipping palace has a guaranteed spot in God’s holy place, but your ass won’t see it because you’ve already been rejected and don’t even act like you don’t know it.

Nothing can save your worthless ass from the hellfire that your reverend, is going on and on about. Oh that’s right, you’re listening so intently and hanging onto every word because you need that hope that once you’ve paid your tithes and bowed your head and repeated after the good reverend, that that is all you’ve got to do. Hell nah, motherfucker! You see, when was the last time that you gave a shit about anybody or anything other than your own worthless hide? I’ll tellya. On the twelfth of never! You more than likely drove by a homeless mother and child and spit and if you didn’t do that, then you looked the other way. When was the last time you actually gave a damn about the fact that children are hungry and are going to bed in warehouses? When was the last time you cared enough to call a prison warden and ask why are prisoners on hunger strikes? When was the last time you gave a thought to those who are without health insurance especially since you know what it feels like to be sick? When was the last time you told your representative that you were damn sick and tired of wars being started in your name over some bullshit? When have you ever realized that the reason why America is constantly minding some goddamn other country’s business is because you’re driving an SUV next door to the supermarket? Have you ever wondered why America’s military is stationed all around the world? Have you ever checked and found that the U.S. spends more on military useless shit than it does on anything else? Have you never wondered why drones are still raining down on the heads of people in foreign lands if Osama bin Laden is dead? Have you even thought to wonder why America does not want to get out of Afghanistan? Have you wondered why America is knee deep in starting shit in Venezuela? Hell no, you haven’t. You don’t fucking care because you’re just so goddamn religious, that shit just don’t concern you. You’ can’t be bothered because that would mean that you’d have to look up and see that it ain’t all mood lighting and sunbeams shining in your stupid, clueless face. You just might have to actually DO something about all the horrors that you see unfolding before your eyes that you just don’t want to see.

Church and religion is another escape route for you because then you think that by singing some hymns, that you can keep reality at bay. Sing a hymn and shit don’t look grim. Well, it’s grim, motherfucker, exceedingly grim. And what do you think you’re going to do when the bomb falls into your goddamn lap? You gonna sing a hymn? Is that going to stop your foolish ass from being vaporized? Are you gonna pretend that it’s a big ole smartphone and play with it? Probably, since Americans ain’t exactly displaying any God given sense these days. And you want to know why? Again, God damned these divided snakes of Amurderer. So, motherfucker, keep assuming that you even have a clue as to what ‘religion’ is all about when you don’t know a goddamn thing about religion. Keep telling yourself that religion is what’s keeping people from being homeless. If that were the case, then why are there over a million people walking around homeless in America on any given night? Keep telling yourself that religion is what’s keeping people fed. If that were the case, then why are so many children hungry when they get to school in the morning? Keep telling yourself that hospital emergency rooms are there to treat the uninsured sick. Of course you never heard about poor Anna Brown, a poor homeless woman, who died in police custody because she went to the hospital begging for help only to have the police called on her, taken to jail and died promptly on the jailhouse floor from blood clots in her leg. You didn’t hear about that because you were too busy attempting to buy your way into heaven by handing money to the reverend who will make sure that you pay dearly for your guaranteed spot.

You didn’t hear about the children in Iraq who are now orphans thanks to the good ole USofA. You didn’t hear about the civilians in Afghanistan who have been fucked up by the U.S. military, killed and had their body parts cut off and exhibited for trophies. You were busy trying to pay your way into heaven. You didn’t hear about the drones that have been raining down on innocent heads in Pakistan, Yemen and Somalia because you’re just too religious to pay attention! You can’t be bothered by that piddling little shit. What’s that got to do with you? It’s got everything to do with you because it’s done in your goddamn name and what’s done in your name is going to register on YOU motherfucker on judgment day. So, if you think that you are religious, you’d better hop to waking the fuck up, opening your motherfucking eyes and saying, “woe motherfuckers, the shit stops now because I’m religious, SEE and I want my candy ass to get into paradise, I’ve paid enough for it!”

Yes indeed, God damned America and don’t even think that I am going to pretty any goddamn thing up anymore. The time for me to post poems about posies of pansies is long fucking gone, so if you think that you’re going to bring your candy ass in here and read some feel good shit, too fucking bad. It SO ain’t gonna happen. If you can’t handle fire, then stay the hell outta this goddamn kitchen, cause it’s smokin’ in here, SEE! You know about fucking religion, my ass!

The Church of the ‘Holy Rollers’:Sunday Sermon

Reverend Give Me All You Got's Palace of Worship

“First of all, I would like to welcome everyone this fine Sunday morning and to thank you for ‘coming out’. Wait a minute, hold up! Gay people, I was not talking to you! We don’t want YOUR kind ‘coming out’ ‘going in’ or anything else! Here at the Church of the Holy Rollers, we don’t put up with that kind of nonsense about how you are ‘born gay’. You’re not born gay, you’re just an abomination and now you are all up in our face with your ‘gayness’! Well…we won’t stand for it! Hell no! Hallelujah! Can I get an ‘AMEN’? Thank you my brothers and sisters, that’s telling them. Now then, to continue with the sermon. Recently, there has been some talk that some of you are not adhering to the ten commandments and I am going to set the record straight TODAY on just what the ten commandments are and what they mean and how you should act on them accordingly. Now, sit up and take notice. But first, ushers, pass the collection plate around for the 25th time and we should have enough to fund my new Hennessey Venom GT. And don’t even start questioning why I need a vehicle that costs over a million dollars because you know that I visit the sick, the shut-in and the needy and by driving this baby, travelling at 287mph, that would cut down on my travel time since there are so many people desperately in need of my preaching the word. Word up!! Now, back the to sermon.”

“As I was saying, the ten commandments are to be adhered to. Hold on. Ushers, I said, USHERS! Where is the collection plate for my new building fund? No not that one. The one for that new beachfront property that I had my eye on last week. Yeah, that one! Don’t even start questioning me about why I need beachfront property. Everyone in here knows how hard I work, I mean preach in this here holy sanctuary. We have Sunday service once a month and you know what a toll it takes on my strength and my endurance to stand here and preach the word to a flock of heathens who, without my guidance, will never see the inside of the ‘Pearly Gates’. Now then, where was I? Oh right…the ten commandments. Now, heathens, as you are all aware, we have been having some shenanigans going on in the basement of this here palace of worship! Don’t even think about denying it because I saw you on the secret camera that I had installed to make sure that the trustees aren’t stealing from the collection plate. Now, I don’t hold with no fornicating on church property. You all know my philosophy on that, I mean, what the Bible says on that. Amen! There is a facility located behind this palace for fornicators and it’s got a red door with a red light over the door and it says, ‘Red Light District!’ Now, then where was I? Oh right! Now the ten commandments…wait a minute, who is disrupting my Sunday sermon with that caterwauling? The Holy Ghost? Have you paid your tithes? No? Then get the hell out of here! We don’t sanction no deadbeats up in this here holy worshipping palace! We’ll tolerate no slackers in here!”

“Where was I? Oh yes, the ten commandments are about…. What? You forgot to collect for my Armani clothing fund? All right! Listen up! This here palace of worship’s sermon is being held up because of you fumbling degenerates who can’t even read the list of my needs and send the collection plate around accordingly. We are going to clear this up once and for all! Now take note! Secretary of the church? Damn! Where the hell are you? Leave Deacon Bradley’s ass alone will you? After you make a list of my needs, you and Deacon Bradley can go to the ‘Red Light District’.  However I must warn you that Deacon Bradley’s wife was seen entering the ‘Red Light District’ with Deacon Johnson and we all know Deacon Johnsons, nickname, ‘Long Dong Silver’, but I don’t think they’re coming out anytime soon so, after you take this list down, the two of you can go on over. Don’t forget to pay the entrance fee of $500.00. It’s for the upkeep, you know. We can’t have our fornicating exposed to the world now, can we? We are fine, upstanding church folk. Don’t forget to stop at our wine shop located next door to the ‘Red Light District’ as you’ll want to ‘wet your whistle’ while getting it up, I mean, getting it on!” Hallelujah!!! Now, take note! The collection plate is to be sent around ten MORE times because the Reverend, that’s me of course. Reverend ‘Give Me All You Got’ Courtland has some needs because preaching ain’t free!”

“Number 1. Building Fund. No, not for this here palace, for MY palace, you fool!”

“Number 2. Vehicle Fund. No, no, no, not the church bus fund, my private vehicle collection fund!”

“Number 3. Vacation Fund. Damn it to hell! No, not for a ‘Vacation Bible School fund’, MY vacation fund! Now you see why I need vacations all the damn time!”

“Number 4. Robes Fund. Choir robes? The hell you say! My robes! Did you hear me, MY ROBES!!!”

“Number 5. Clothing Fund. “What?” Hell no! We ain’t running no charity here! This here Clothing Fund is for my expensive, I mean needed apparel to wear to church underneath this here robe! You got that? All righty then!”

“Number 6. Food Fund: Feed the hungry? Feed the hungry? Who the hell is up in here hungry? Didn’t we just have ‘communion’ last month? Didn’t you drink grape juice, I mean ‘wine’ and eat that crust that Usher Fucked me so hard, I mean…Usher Fucmehard handed out?! That’s enough feeding the hungry!!! We are sitting all up in the richest country on the planet so don’t give me that bullshit about ‘what about the hungry’? We got no hungry folk here in America. I have not seen one hungry person on my way here this morning. If I did, I would have had the chauffeur stop my limo and hand them my gold-plated card. Wait, strike that! I would have given them the ‘other’ card and told them to walk on over, we’d feed them that leftover burnt crust that Sister Burnathat made when she was trying to bake bread for the communion. This fund is for MY groceries! Hallelujah!!!”

“Number 7.Credit Card Fund. Why do I need a credit card? Are you questioning me? The ‘Reverend’? Do you want me to come down off this pulpit and kick your ass? You know that I need credit cards to make my hotel reservations when I’m doing community outreach in the Virgin Islands and staying at the Ritz-Carlton ain’t cheap ya know!!! Not to mention that I’ve actually got to put myself out by flying first-class over there and that ain’t cheap! And don’t forget, I need a chauffer driven limo in order to get around. Not cheap!! The meals, come on  now, you know the score!”

“Number 8. Champagne Fund. What? For communion? Are you out of your damn mind? You got grape juice, I mean ‘wine’ last month. Didn’t I give a sermon last month on greed and how it destroys the soul? Didn’t you hear me? What’s that? In the basement? What was you doing in the basement? Never mind! Hold on a minute everyone, I got to rewind this here tape. I can’t believe that I missed something. Oh hell naw!!! What the hell were you doing humping my man? Damn it to hell! It’s on!!!!!”

“Let me catch my breath! Now congregation, you can see that it ain’t easy being the Reverend of this here palace of worship church, when you got to get here, preach, kick ass and take names!!”

“Number 9. Hair Salon and Spa Fund. I don’t even want to hear it! Y’all know why!!! Do you really expect me to do my own hair and nails and keep this perfectly tanned body of mine without blemish all by myself? Don’t I need to be in tiptop condition to get through a rigorous sermon? Didn’t you just see me chip a nail by giving Sister Slut, I mean, Sister Schlut a beatdown? How in the hell can you begrudge me a month at the Spa when the only way, I said, the ONLY way… that you have a snowball’s chance in hell of not going to hell is by my showing up here and YOU listening to me deliver the ‘good’ word to you? You don’t want to get through the pearly gates? What are you sitting up in here for? By listening to the word, you get a guaranteed spot in the heavenly paradise that awaits you on the other side of this here earthly realm that we’ve all got to leave at some point. I’m here to get you across! Now listen up! There will be NO further outbursts in here! Brother Mafio and Brother Thlug are just itching to do some knuckle dusting. Now try me!”

“No. 10: Reverend Give Me All You Got’s Salary Fund. This here is THE most important fund of all because as you know, my time is valuable. I had to go through an entire one day class to become ordained to preach all up in this palace of worship and how many of you can say that you are better educated than I am? Hands please? What? The hell you say! How the hell is all six hundred of you smarter than me? Say what? A degree? It’s hot as hell outside! The degree is up there in the triple digits. This is exactly the ignorance that I spoke about two months ago. Don’t come up in here, knowing you ignorant and then try and tell me that you got a degree when we all know that a degree is related to the temperature. And I had to tell you just how hot it is outside. See? This is why you’re going to hell! Trying to act like you educated and you don’t even know about temperature! How do you expect the heavenly ‘father’ to put up with you In all of your ignorance? Child, come here! I got to lay hands on you!!! Now, repeat after me, ‘I am an ignorant sinner, not fit to kneel in front of the good Reverend here and I beg forgiveness for displaying  my ignorance for the entire congregation to witness. I am now going to put more money into the Reverend’s Salary Fund because the Reverend knows best!’ Was that hard? Now go sit the hell down!”

“Those are the ten commandments that the congregation is to adhere to. The Reverend is THE most important member of ANY church, especially this here palace of worship that I’ve, I mean… we’ve built here. The saving of souls has been my duty and my obligation for many years and I do not take my duties and obligations and responsibilities lightly. Why do you think that we have such an upstanding record in our community? It is because of me! Our sins! Strike that, YOUR sins are kept secret thanks to me AND all of your many vices remain hidden on my tapes. I have only had to resort to blackmail twelve times. Now then, let us pray before we depart these holy and sanctified walls of this palace.”

“Thank you for bringing the heathens to me so that I can show them the light, the truth and the word. The word is power and the word is money and through power and money, will they be led to the light. We need a lot of both to keep the sheep, I mean, the flock in line. Strike that! The congregation that is, need to understand that the only way to get through the ‘Pearly Gates’ is through handing me money. Strike that! The way to get through the ‘Pearly Gates’ is in doing the good deeds of seeing to the Reverend’s needs and funding accordingly. We fight an uphill battle, but the saving of souls is our business…uh is our goal, not to mention raising more money for the Reverend’s Vacation Fund and that IS the truth! Amen!”

“Now, get out!” “No, not you, Deacon Look Damn Fine!” “Uh…I mean Deacon Lukedamfine!”

“Wait a damn minute!” Who the hell struck ‘good’ out in front of my name? I got some tapes to rewind and then some more ass-kicking is about to commence!”

“Now THAT concludes this sermon for Sunday, September 22nd! Now get the hell out!”