….and the ‘Good’ Reverend Speaks! Revival Time!

‘Former White Sheet Baptist Church’

 

“Good evening congregation!!! I am absolutely thrilled to have been invited to guest speak here at the ‘Former White Sheet Baptisit Church’. It is an honor and a privilege to represent the ‘Church of the Holy Rollers’ and to those of my congregation who are in attendance, can I get an Amen?”

“AMEN!”

“Now, then! Hold up! Wait a minute! Grand Wizard, what is up with the white sheets? I thought that this was the ‘Former White Sheet Baptist Church!”

Uh…Reverend ‘Give Me All You Got’ Courtland, forgive me, but some members of my congregation were not pleased at my inviting you and members of your congregation to this church, but their objections were overruled and they are just a bit sore about it, that is all.”

“That is all! That is ALL! The hell it is! I have no intention of preaching the good word to some damn sheets. Now you instruct those sheet wearing fools to strip ’em and strip ’em now!”

“Reverend Courtland, I don’t think that that would be wise.”

“And you mean to tell me that it is wise to sit here in this so-called ‘holy sanctuary’ draped in white sheets? I am the guest speaker here and I say, the sheets come off!”

“Alright, Reverend Courtland, but you’re not gonna like it.”

“I already don’t like it!”

” What the fuck!”

“I told you, you wouldn’t like it.”

“Is this some sort of damn cult? Why is black paint all over the sheets, true Black don’t come off! And what the hell, ‘Black face’ makeup?”

“Reverend Courtland, I did not mean for this to happen. I thought that you would just speak and we would partake of communion together and sing songs about coming together and maybe those of your church could play some drums and treat us to some of that good ole jungle music.”

“Jungle mu….what?”

“Of course, if you feel as if I have stepped out of line, please accept my sincerest apologies. I meant no harm.”

“Meant no ha…meant no………………….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Brother Thlug! Brother Mafio! Call the gang, at once! We are about to set it off up in here! I don’t sanction no racist bullshit! Who the hell do you think you’re fucking with Grand Lizard?”

“Uh…it’s Grand Wizard.”

“Grand LIZARD! You slimy, sithering lizard! My kung fu lessons finally are about to pay off. You’re gonna hear music alright. You ever heard the song, ‘Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting? Well, you gonna live it! Congregation, in the words of Marvin Gaye, ‘Let’s Get It On!”

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“Brother Mafio, thank you so much for pulling my 18″ stilleto heel out of Grand Lizard’s ass and Brother Thlug, thank you for pulling the other one out of his mouth, but I won’t be needing them, they are both covered in racism and I would never be able to rub that shit off. No way, no how. Hold Grand Lizard’s head up, I got some preaching to do! The next time you invite someone to speak in this three ring white supremacy circus, you better know just  what the hell you’re doing, because I am SO not the one! You little punk ass racist piece of shit! Hallelujah!!! Here I stand in the midst of some unholy shit, barefoot, nails broken and hair tousled from ass kicking some white sheet wearing filth and in the house of the lord??!!!! This is unheard of!!”

“Sister KnowItAll, it is YOUR responsibility to not get us into shit like this. What the hell am I paying you to know it all for? You should know damn well that I don’t mind kicking ass, but you also should know that I will not tolerate hatin’ ass racists! Now what do you have to say for yourself???!!!!”

“Reverend Courtland, the Grand Wizard approached me and stated that his church had heard wonderful praise about our palace of worship and wanted to experience first-hand one of your world famous sermons even though he was just a mite concerned that everyone would not be onboard. However, he assured me that….”

“He assured you?!!! Take a damn look around Sister KnowNothing! Even Little TearHellUp should not have been exposed to this mess! How dare you stand there and downplay bullshit! You are paid to KNOW, you are not paid to seek assurances from racist assholes!! You exposed my flock to this shit knowing that I am ultimately responsible for the souls of my sheep! I am crass, cold and callous enough! They don’t need to be subjected to some ‘Black Face’ hidden under white sheets racist shit! My sermons leave my sheep feeling good about themselves. And this is going to take some extreme effort on MY part to pull them through this and hell knows they’ve been through much lately with government shutdowns and debt ceiling crises and every other kind of hell tossed at some of our weaker members! How dare you expose them to the evils of the Klan too! Get that Grand Lizard bastard up! Can he talk?”

“I don’t know Reverend, he’s been kinda mumbling something.”

“You couldn’t make it out Brother Mafio?”

“Not really, as good as I can make out, what I think I heard was ‘police’.”

“Police? Police? Grand Lizard, you want the ‘police’? And just what do you think that they are going to do about my having fucked you up? Brother Thlug and Brother Mafio, hold this contemptible shit still. Thank you! Grand Lizard, I don’t know whether or not you remember the scripture that says if ‘thine eye offends thee, pluck it out’, well…kiss your tongue ‘goodbye’ because it offends ME! Now, hold him still! There we go, you’ll have to write or print your racist bullshit from now on Grand Lizard, you’ll not be offending MY congregation nor any other, verbally that is. Now call the goddamn police and tell them all about what’s troubling you! Go ahead!!! What? I can’t hear you? Huh? What does ‘llllullllullll’ mean? The police are going to think you’re insane! You want me to call them for you? Sure, I’m in a better mood now! Brother Mafio, hand me something to wipe the racist slime off my hands and then find my cell phone. Thanks! I’ve got to dial 911! Yes, 911, my name is Revered ‘Give Me All You Got’ Courtland and I am here at the ‘Former White Sheet Baptist Church’. I was invited as a guest speaker, along with my congregation and when we got here, all hell was breaking loose. It looks like a Halloween party gone terribly wrong. People were moaning and wearing white sheets with eye slits and then the caterwauling started and the white sheets came off. Also, a ‘minstrel show’ was taking place because ‘black’ was rubbing off on white sheets and then this one guy stood up and claimed to be a ‘lizard’ and somebody with a sheet draped over them fucked him up. He needs medical attention. What’s that? The address is 666 Devil’s Lane. Oh, and he’s been ‘tongue tied’. Well, we’re off! I got some souls to save! Hallelujah!”

“Reverend Courtland, do you want me to stick around and explain this mess?”

“No Sister Burnathat, and how many times have I told you not to grill INSIDE??!!! Have you set the whole damn building on fire?!”

“But, but, Reverend, I’m not cooking anything. Lightning struck!”

“Have mercy! The devil is come to claim his own! Get ta steppin’!!!!! Everybody out! The devil is home and revival is over!!!! Where’s my holy water?????!!!!!”

The Church of the ‘Holy Rollers’:Sunday Sermon

“First of all, I would like to welcome everyone this fine Sunday morning and to thank you for ‘coming out’. Wait a minute, hold up! Gay people, I was not talking to you! We don’t want YOUR kind ‘coming out’ ‘going in’ or anything else! Here at the Church of the Holy Rollers, we don’t put up with that kind of nonsense about how you are ‘born gay’. You’re not born gay, you’re just an abomination and now you are all up in our face with your ‘gayness’! Well…we won’t stand for it! Hell no! Hallelujah! Can I get an ‘AMEN’? Thank you my brothers and sisters, that’s telling them. Now then, to continue with the sermon. Recently, there has been some talk that some of you are not adhering to the ten commandments and I am going to set the record straight TODAY on just what the ten commandments are and what they mean and how you should act on them accordingly. Now, sit up and take notice. But first, ushers, pass the collection plate around for the 25th time and we should have enough to fund my new Hennessey Venom GT. And don’t even start questioning why I need a vehicle that costs over a million dollars because you know that I visit the sick, the shut-in and the needy and by driving this baby, travelling at 287mph, that would cut down on my travel time since there are so many people desperately in need of my preaching the word. Word up!! Now, back the to sermon.”

“As I was saying, the ten commandments are to be adhered to. Hold on. Ushers, I said, USHERS! Where is the collection plate for my new building fund? No not that one. The one for that new beachfront property that I had my eye on last week. Yeah, that one! Don’t even start questioning me about why I need beachfront property. Everyone in here knows how hard I work, I mean preach in this here holy sanctuary. We have Sunday service once a month and you know what a toll it takes on my strength and my endurance to stand here and preach the word to a flock of heathens who, without my guidance, will never see the inside of the ‘Pearly Gates’. Now then, where was I? Oh right…the ten commandments. Now, heathens, as you are all aware, we have been having some shenanigans going on in the basement of this here palace of worship! Don’t even think about denying it because I saw you on the secret camera that I had installed to make sure that the trustees aren’t stealing from the collection plate. Now, I don’t hold with no fornicating on church property. You all know my philosophy on that, I mean, what the Bible says on that. Amen! There is a facility located behind this palace for fornicators and it’s got a red door with a red light over the door and it says, ‘Red Light District!’ Now, then where was I? Oh right! Now the ten commandments…wait a minute, who is disrupting my Sunday sermon with that caterwauling? The Holy Ghost? Have you paid your tithes? No? Then get the hell out of here! We don’t sanction no deadbeats up in this here holy worshipping palace! We’ll tolerate no slackers in here!”

“Where was I? Oh yes, the ten commandments are about…. What? You forgot to collect for my Armani clothing fund? All right! Listen up! This here palace of worship’s sermon is being held up because of you fumbling degenerates who can’t even read the list of my needs and send the collection plate around accordingly. We are going to clear this up once and for all! Now take note! Secretary of the church? Damn! Where the hell are you? Leave Deacon Bradley’s ass alone will you? After you make a list of my needs, you and Deacon Bradley can go to the ‘Red Light District’.  However I must warn you that Deacon Bradley’s wife was seen entering the ‘Red Light District’ with Deacon Johnson and we all know Deacon Johnsons, nickname, ‘Long Dong Silver’, but I don’t think they’re coming out anytime soon so, after you take this list down, the two of you can go on over. Don’t forget to pay the entrance fee of $500.00. It’s for the upkeep, you know. We can’t have our fornicating exposed to the world now, can we? We are fine, upstanding church folk. Don’t forget to stop at our wine shop located next door to the ‘Red Light District’ as you’ll want to ‘wet your whistle’ while getting it up, I mean, getting it on!” Hallelujah!!! Now, take note! The collection plate is to be sent around ten MORE times because the Reverend, that’s me of course. Reverend ‘Give Me All You Got’ Courtland has some needs because preaching ain’t free!”

“Number 1. Building Fund. No, not for this here palace, for MY palace, you fool!”

“Number 2. Vehicle Fund. No, no, no, not the church bus fund, my private vehicle collection fund!”

“Number 3. Vacation Fund. Damn it to hell! No, not for a ‘Vacation Bible School fund’, MY vacation fund! Now you see why I need vacations all the damn time!”

“Number 4. Robes Fund. Choir robes? The hell you say! My robes! Did you hear me, MY ROBES!!!”

“Number 5. Clothing Fund. “What?” Hell no! We ain’t running no charity here! This here Clothing Fund is for my expensive, I mean needed apparel to wear to church underneath this here robe! You got that? All righty then!”

“Number 6. Food Fund: Feed the hungry? Feed the hungry? Who the hell is up in here hungry? Didn’t we just have ‘communion’ last month? Didn’t you drink grape juice, I mean ‘wine’ and eat that crust that Usher Fucked me so hard, I mean…Usher Fucmehard handed out?! That’s enough feeding the hungry!!! We are sitting all up in the richest country on the planet so don’t give me that bullshit about ‘what about the hungry’? We got no hungry folk here in America. I have not seen one hungry person on my way here this morning. If I did, I would have had the chauffeur stop my limo and hand them my gold-plated card. Wait, strike that! I would have given them the ‘other’ card and told them to walk on over, we’d feed them that leftover burnt crust that Sister Burnathat made when she was trying to bake bread for the communion. This fund is for MY groceries! Hallelujah!!!”

“Number 7.Credit Card Fund. Why do I need a credit card? Are you questioning me? The ‘Reverend’? Do you want me to come down off this pulpit and kick your ass? You know that I need credit cards to make my hotel reservations when I’m doing community outreach in the Virgin Islands and staying at the Ritz-Carlton ain’t cheap ya know!!! Not to mention that I’ve actually got to put myself out by flying first-class over there and that ain’t cheap! And don’t forget, I need a chauffer driven limo in order to get around. Not cheap!! The meals, come on  now, you know the score!”

“Number 8. Champagne Fund. What? For communion? Are you out of your damn mind? You got grape juice, I mean ‘wine’ last month. Didn’t I give a sermon last month on greed and how it destroys the soul? Didn’t you hear me? What’s that? In the basement? What was you doing in the basement? Never mind! Hold on a minute everyone, I got to rewind this here tape. I can’t believe that I missed something. Oh hell naw!!! What the hell were you doing humping my man? Damn it to hell! It’s on!!!!!”

“Let me catch my breath! Now congregation, you can see that it ain’t easy being the Reverend of this here palace of worship church, when you got to get here, preach, kick ass and take names!!”

“Number 9. Hair Salon and Spa Fund. I don’t even want to hear it! Y’all know why!!! Do you really expect me to do my own hair and nails and keep this perfectly tanned body of mine without blemish all by myself? Don’t I need to be in tiptop condition to get through a rigorous sermon? Didn’t you just see me chip a nail by giving Sister Slut, I mean, Sister Schlut a beatdown? How in the hell can you begrudge me a month at the Spa when the only way, I said, the ONLY way… that you have a snowball’s chance in hell of not going to hell is by my showing up here and YOU listening to me deliver the ‘good’ word to you? You don’t want to get through the pearly gates? What are you sitting up in here for? By listening to the word, you get a guaranteed spot in the heavenly paradise that awaits you on the other side of this here earthly realm that we’ve all got to leave at some point. I’m here to get you across! Now listen up! There will be NO further outbursts in here! Brother Mafio and Brother Thlug are just itching to do some knuckle dusting. Now try me!”

“No. 10: Reverend Give Me All You Got’s Salary Fund. This here is THE most important fund of all because as you know, my time is valuable. I had to go through an entire one day class to become ordained to preach all up in this palace of worship and how many of you can say that you are better educated than I am? Hands please? What? The hell you say! How the hell is all six hundred of you smarter than me? Say what? A degree? It’s hot as hell outside! The degree is up there in the triple digits. This is exactly the ignorance that I spoke about two months ago. Don’t come up in here, knowing you ignorant and then try and tell me that you got a degree when we all know that a degree is related to the temperature. And I had to tell you just how hot it is outside. See? This is why you’re going to hell! Trying to act like you educated and you don’t even know about temperature! How do you expect the heavenly ‘father’ to put up with you In all of your ignorance? Child, come here! I got to lay hands on you!!! Now, repeat after me, ‘I am an ignorant sinner, not fit to kneel in front of the good Reverend here and I beg forgiveness for displaying  my ignorance for the entire congregation to witness. I am now going to put more money into the Reverend’s Salary Fund because the Reverend knows best!’ Was that hard? Now go sit the hell down!”

“Those are the ten commandments that the congregation is to adhere to. The Reverend is THE most important member of ANY church, especially this here palace of worship that I’ve, I mean… we’ve built here. The saving of souls has been my duty and my obligation for many years and I do not take my duties and obligations and responsibilities lightly. Why do you think that we have such an upstanding record in our community? It is because of me! Our sins! Strike that, YOUR sins are kept secret thanks to me AND all of your many vices remain hidden on my tapes. I have only had to resort to blackmail twelve times. Now then, let us pray before we depart these holy and sanctified walls of this palace.”

“Thank you for bringing the heathens to me so that I can show them the light, the truth and the word. The word is power and the word is money and through power and money, will they be led to the light. We need a lot of both to keep the sheep, I mean, the flock in line. Strike that! The congregation that is, need to understand that the only way to get through the ‘Pearly Gates’ is through handing me money. Strike that! The way to get through the ‘Pearly Gates’ is in doing the good deeds of seeing to the Reverend’s needs and funding accordingly. We fight an uphill battle, but the saving of souls is our business…uh is our goal, not to mention raising more money for the Reverend’s Vacation Fund and that IS the truth! Amen!”

“Now, get out!” “No, not you, Deacon Look Damn Fine!” “Uh…I mean Deacon Lukedamfine!”

“Wait a damn minute!” Who the hell struck ‘good’ out in front of my name? I got some tapes to rewind and then some more ass-kicking is about to commence!”

“Now THAT concludes this sermon for Sunday, September 22nd! Now get the hell out!”