Donald Trump, “Sarah Palin To Be Secretary of State!”

palin-and-trump

 

 

At an impromptu press conference held at Trump Tower in Midtown Manhattan yesterday, president-elect Donald Trump dropped a bomb with his announcement that the former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin is his pick for Secretary of State. When describing her qualifications for this position, Trump had this to say, “As you all know, I am trying to repair America’s relationship with Russia and who better to get the ball rolling in that regard than Sarah Palin who actually golfed with Vladimir Putin from the governor’s mansion in Alaska. Sarah has told me all about the many times she looked across the pond that separates Russia from Alaska and saw Putin playing golf on the front lawn of his estate. She told me that they developed a certain rapport whenever the ball went into the hole, Sarah, here would call, ‘Love 15!’ and Putin, upon hearing this would answer back, ‘Love 30!’. The two would then wave one final time at each other before disappearing inside their respective mansions. Who better to get America’s relationship back on track with Russia than Sarah Palin who is already fondly perceived by the Russian president? And before you get started on the fact that Sarah Palin has no experience for this position, remember that I am not completely stupid. I did give Sarah a test and she passed with flying colors. I asked her to find Alaska on the map and she pointed to it easily enough. She actually pointed to New Zealand but she explained to me that if I fly from New Zealand by way of Amsterdam, I would arrive in Alaska by 6pm eastern standard time if I depart at 4pm New Zealand Kiwi fruit time. I must say, I am quite floored by Sarah’s abilities and I think she has gotten a raw deal in the past by the press. And so without further ado, I shall hand the microphone over to my new Secretary of State, Sarah Palin! A round of applause, please!”

“Thank you! Thank you Donald! I am underwhelmed and I promise to do a wonderful job as Secretary of State, but to be fair, if Hillary Clinton and John Kerry can do it, I see no reason why I cannot. I think that I am more qualified than those two. They are responsible for the current hostile climate between the Soviet Union and Russia. I am so glad that Hillary is not the president, she never liked me anyway, and that John Kerry person is going to have to relinquish the Secretary of State jet to me. He, with his long face did not go well in a such a wonderful mode of transportation, nor has he exhibited one clue as to how to reign in those pesky insurgents that have been relentlessly fighting our own terrorists in the Middle Eastern country of Berlin. When I am Secretary of State, I promise to get everyone in Stockholm at the table and make them understand that they will no longer get away with harboring those Yemini terrorists that they think we don’t know about. I was watching a documentary the other day on the Discovery Channel and you would not believe how many terrorists are hiding out in  the Swiss Alps. Why, there were twenty-two female terrorists participating in some sort of ritual, kneeling by a creek and rinsing their hair and toweling it dry and I said right then and there, ‘look at that, they are attempting to fool everyone into thinking that they are merely washing their hair when we all know that they are the wives of ISIS members’.”

“I have already been in contact with the UN and I let them know that we will get NATO forces together and prepare to bomb Berlin from France and we will be successful in removing the command center for terrorists in that country. I am going to put ISIS on the run, for good. I am going to make you proud of me Donald. You are going to be so proud of me that when you win a second term, you will want me to continue on as your Secretary of State! Take that Hillary ‘has been’ Clinton!”

“Next week, I am scheduled to fly to Iraq and once I land in Iraq’s major city, Aleppo, I will drill our troops there and get to the bottom of why Iraq is still a hotbed of terrorism. We will brainstorm and find a way to get Toyota to stop doing business with IS and then since those terrorists will have nothing to drive once Toyota stops supplying them with pickup trucks, we shall bring peace and prosperity back to that region. I shall also call on Saddam Hussein to step back in as the leader especially seeing as how Pakistan was doing wonderfully when he was the dictator there. Those CheeseKurds, Soonistas and Sheisties will soon know who’s boss. And if Hillary hadn’t killed Ghaddaddy, Libya would not see me, but I must do what I must do and Libya will be my next stop because I must find a way to run the rebels out and return Libya to Ghaddaddy’s son, Alibaba. It is too bad that he has forty thieves in his regime, but there are going to be some bad guys and sometimes, it takes one bad guy to get to the other bad guys and we must depend on a bad guy at times to make sure that the other bad guys don’t get out of control. So, Alibaba and his forty thieves will run Libya. I have almost achieved world peace because Putin has already assured me that he is returning Ukraine back to Crimea and he has also agreed to allow Petroclevoceous, the former ruler of Spain to return and guide the Slovakian people back to Yugoslavia.”

“So, gentlemen of the press, my new outfits are being prepared as I speak to you and just as soon as they are all ready for me, I shall be on my first world peace mission. And Donald, thank you ever so much for giving me this opportunity to prove that I have more than just air between my ears! Suck on a lemon Hillary!”

“Peacefully!”

gag_me_with_a_spoon_cards-r476aa918c88f42a2bfa7b339a4029d53_xvuak_8byvr_512

I haven’t posted for awhile because I am just too afraid. Can you imagine that? Me! Afraid?

Well, you see, I had my computer blow up on me and I’m not trying to have that happen again. Apparently, I’ve been a very, very bad girl and since everything we type on a computer is going to spy central, and every telephone call we make is also going to spy central, what the hell! Nothing is secure. Nothing is safe from the spies and so I am afraid of being considered a domestic terrorist and sent off to Guantanamo or some unknown prison hell in some other country and denied due process. I am afraid that I will become like Edward Snowden, a person without a country. I am afraid that I will end up like Chelsea Manning, locked away for 35 years without a hope of early release.

We are not to stir the pot. We are to fall in step and not question. We must not question authority. Our government will not hurt us if we do as it dictates. Never question governmental authority. Accept what is being shoved down your throat and remember to always wave a flag as that is what the true patriot does. The true patriot is loyal to her country and would never think of her country as in the wrong. America does no wrong. America can do no wrong because America stands for freedom and democracy and human rights and peace and justice. America is a benevolent and giving country. It has never harmed even a fly. Its people get along. There are no homeless, hungry or poverty stricken people in America. Everyone has access to decent health care. No child is inadequately educated. No child is left behind. America is a christian nation founded on the belief that “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness, AS LONG AS YOU ARE A RICH, WHITE MALE!”

America is the land of freedom.

We came, we saw, we conquered, peacefully.
We needed laborers and we stole them, peacefully.
We thirst for oil and we bomb for it, peacefully.
We are the torch bearers for war, peacefully.
We create conflicts everywhere we go, peacefully.
We desire peace, our brand of peace, peacefully.
We love the world and we show it, peacefully.
We are the world’s benevolent benefactor, peacefully.
We demand that you bow to America, peacefully!
We are ‘exeptional’. We are Americans!
Oh and we are full of shit!! Didn’t you know?!!
Peace to the world from America! “Peace? Out!!”

Damn! Am I full of shit or what?! Fucking peace!

Written by,
Shelby I. Courtland
©2014 Shelby I. Courtland

Punk Ass Bitch!

Obama and Putin talk

Yeah, Obama is a punk ass bitch! He didn’t see the eggs coming that were about to get plastered on his lying, stupid face? Sanctions? Against the Russians? For real? Really? That useless, clueless fuck Obama has gone and cooked our goddamn goose for sure. You see, Vladimir Putin had the upper hand this entire time. He played that punk ass bitch Obama like a fiddle. Obama’s handlers ain’t got shit on The Putin. You see, Vladimir Putin’s been around the block and ain’t no parliament or hangers on gonna tell him what to do, he’s always one step ahead and he also knows that as much as the shits in America are out to destroy America, he ain’t gonna see ‘em throw his people and his country under a goddamn bus ‘cause he’s caring see! He ain’t hardly gonna stand still for no one messing around with his beloved Russia and I gottta hand it to Mr. Putin, he does indeed care about his country, unlike the shits in America who don’t give a goddamn for America and Americans, that’s for sure. The Putin can undermine the entire economic system of this here Divided Snakes of Amurderer and the Chinese as well. “Sanctions!,” that punk ass bitch Obama says to the Russians. Oh, really? Has he even taken a look at the big picture? Methinks not or he wouldn’t even go there! Talk about a punk ass bitch getting burned and taking a whole goddamn country down with him. Way ta go punk!

The last time that Obama came up against The Putin, he got egg in his face and it taught him not a goddamn thing because he just had to go back for more. Now, if I was egged one time, hot damn if I’d put myself in the same predicament to get egged AGAIN! Remember Despot Obama’s ‘red-line’ with Syria? Yeah? No? Regardless! Vladimir Putin stepped in and ‘red-lined’ Obama’s punk ass and left him standing with his soccer mom jeans bunched up around his ankles. Yeah, he looked THAT ridiculous AND clueless. Presidential material? Yeah, if you’re president of the cupcake club. I guess that’s why so many eggs are always handy when it comes to America’s little despot getting it all over his old ass looking mug. Have you taken a look at America’s despot lately? Looking a little green around the gills, I would say. Well, when you’ve gone up against an opponent twice and that opponent was more than a match for you and then some and when that opponent swatted you as easily as he would a fly and all while the world watches, yep, I think I would look a little green myself. In fact, Obama is looking so bad, I hear tell that Harvard is about to issue a statement in essence saying that Obama’s law degree was issued in error. Yeah, he’s even making Harvard look bad. And I also hear tell that even the other Chicago crooks who are languishing behind bars are taking some heat from the other inmates. In fact, I have it on good authority that Chicago’s former governor, Rod Blagojevich has had to give up all of his commissary to Bubba Bodkins because according to Bubba, “these white collar Chicago shits are some weak ass punk bitches!”

Now, it is quite apparent that Obama’s punk ass bitch status is having a far reaching impact on many and the only problem with that is that this impact is not affecting the intended targets, the Russians, who have been hit with the biggest whopper of them all, GASP! Sanctions! No, the problem is that according to an unnamed source, John Rabid Dog McCain was rushed to the vet this morning and has been diagnosed with an advanced case of rabies and that the only course of treatment at this stage would be to allow him to continue to foam at the mouth and jump up and down in impotent fury over Punk Ass Obama’s failure to bring the Russians to heel. A glass cage is being erected in the Senate so that the foam and spittle emanating from John Rabid Dog McCain will not infect the other members of congress. Methinks, it’s too late for that. This is quite all mindboggling and I must say, I find it hard to believe that what we are witnessing is our elected representatives in action and not a show, titled The Stooges, which would seem to be more fitting.

In closing, I would just like to add that even though America has a punk ass bitch for a president, he’s our punk ass bitch and I for one, don’t want him. I am ashamed to call that clueless, inept fool, my president. And what many don’t seem to realize is that Obama’s complete and absolute ineptness could get us into a World War and that would mean that the shits that are hell bent on running this Titanic into one of the few remaining icebergs, would get their ass toasted too. How could they continue to rape, pillage, decimate and plunder when all is a vaporized cloud? Those shits pretend that they are above human failings, but they have to breathe and live on this planet the same as the rest of us and though they plot to destroy it, their own demise would be imminent. They’d better fucking figure it out and get with the program that Russia ain’t about another Iraq, nor another Afghanistan, nor another Yemen, nor another Pakistan. Russia can make their ass just as toasted as it can mine. And that punk ass bitch in the White House better think on that because the Russians ain’t even looking cross-eyed over some stupid useless ass ‘sanctions’!

…and President Vladimir Putin, thanks man!!!!!!

The Reverend Makes It Official!

Reverend Give Me All You Got's Palace of Worship

“Good morning congregation!”

“Good morning, Reverend Courtland!”

“I love enthusiasm, yes I do, because that means that when the collection plates are passed around, I know that you will give enthusiastically. Now, we’ve got a lot to cover this morning, but I will try to keep it short because there are just three days until Christmas and I’ve got much to speak about on THAT subject. But first, I want to take this opportunity to inform you that we have some visitors this morning. If you will look over toward your right, you will notice that Brother MoreBounceToTheOunce and Brother PounceAndBounce are having a time keeping LittleTearHellUp from tearing up this here holy sanctuary. We’ve got not one, but TWO hellions in here this morning. As you can see, if you look to your left, Brother Mafio and Brother Vinnie from Vinnie’s Cement Shoes and Pizza Shop on the South Side of Chicago is here to help us out with Little Badass Johnny. Give a shout out to Brother Vinnie!”

“Brother Vinnie, how’s it hanging?”

“Sister Schlut, that will be enough of THAT! Congregation, just bid Brother Vinnie, a hearty welcome!”

“Welcome, Brother Vinnie!”

“Ah, now that’s better! There are some special guests who are here with us today for this special occasion and I will at this time, take a few minutes to recognize them. We are privileged to have Sister LindaComedyAct here and trust me, with her busy comedy schedule, it took some doing to get Sister LindaComedyAct to be here as she was scheduled to appear on Comedy Dive and she also has her own club, Askme Comedy Club which is located across from her Uncle Vinnie’s Cement Shoes and Pizza Shop located on the South Side of Chicago. Give a warm welcome to Sister LindaComedyAct! AMEN!”

“Welcome, Sister LindaComedyAct!”

“I would also like to introduce to you, my favorite and ONLY PR man, Brother TubulashockPope! Wait a minute! Hold the hell up! Yes, I know we’re non-denominational, but we welcome all faiths and Brother TubularshockPope has had nothing to do with that….uh..mess with the catholic church. Brother TubularshockPope is the new Pope on campus..I mean…at the Vatican! Now, give him a damn hearty ass welcome!”

“Welcome, TubularshockPope!”

“Last but not least, we have another special guest here today and he is here at my personal behest. Give a warm welcome to Brother DavidCopAFeel!”

“Welcome, Brother DavidCopAFeel!”

“Brother DavidCopAFeel is THE best magician in the field of magic and he is here to perform a disappearing act and as much as I am paying him, he’d damn well better make that little badass disappear. Amen! Now, then I am going to ask Brother DavidCopAFeel to head on over to where Little Badass Johnny is being held down by Brother Mafio and Brother Vinnie. Now proceed with the disappearing act, Brother DavidCopAFeel!”

“Thank you Reverend Courtland for inviting me to this wonderful palace of yours of which I’ve heard so much about. It is an honor and a privilege to conduct magic in this beautiful sanctuary you have here!”

“Brother CopAFeel, get on with it!”

“Certainly, Reverend! Release Little Badass Johnny, please!”

“Hell no! Make him disappear before you release that…OUCH! Goddamn it to hell, the little bastard bit me. Get my personal physician on the damn phone, NOW! Where the hell did he go? Get my holy water!”

“Reverend, he’s got Sister LindaComedyAct and he’s dragging her down toward the basement!”

“Follow them Brother Mafio and Brother Vinnie! Don’t let that little bastard out of your sight! We’ve got to save Sister LindaComedyAct and where is Brother TubularshockPope?”

“He is over here on the floor, Reverend! That little badass Johnny knocked him out before he grabbed Sister LindaComedyAct. He’s out cold! What do we do!”

“Throw some damn holy water on him, fool!”

“Reverend Courtland, he’s starting to smoke!”

“Sister Burnathat, he cannot be smoking a cigarette if he’s out cold! What the hell is wrong with you?”

“But Reverend, he’s not smoking a cigarette, HE is smoking!”

“Oh damn, he must have been infected by the Catholic Church! Quick, get the fire extinguisher! Spray him with that!”

“Help! Help! Reverend Courtland, help!”

“Damn! That’s Sister LindaComedyAct! Brother DavidCopAFeel, get your ass over here! Now, let’s go find our good Sister LindaComedyAct! Sister Linda, we’re coming! Kick him in the balls! I said, in the balls, if you can!”

“ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

“She did it! That was that little badass Johnny! Brother CopAFeel, there he is, make his little badass disappear!”

“Everybody, stand back! Hocus Pocus, toads and deer, Little Johnny disappear!”

“He’s gone! It worked! Sister Linda, are you okay?”

“Yes, Reverend Courtland, but this is the first and the absolute last time that I will be attending this…this…absurdity of a palace of worship. This is the devil’s own stomping ground. I thought that YOU was supposed to be babysitting little badass Johnny. But I’m the one who gets dragged by the hair through the church making me lose MY religion! I told you to BAPTIZE the little convict!”

“Sister Linda, if you stay, I promise you that the sermon will more than make up for the swelling of your lip, the closed right eye and that nasty bruise on your left leg, not to mention the purpling of your ear and the hair that’s missing from the left side of your head.”

“Oh my….! How am I ever going to do my comedy routine tomorrow night looking like this! Reverend, you’re gonna pay for this…this…insanity! Where is TubularshockPope? We came here together?”

“Uh…well..there’s been another accident!”

“Oh for the love of….what now?”

“Before little badass Johnny got to you, he got to Brother TubularshockPope and he must’ve decked him one good ‘cause Brother Pope is out like a light and he was smoking!”

“Smoking?! How could he smoke if he’s out?!”

“I told Sister Burnathat to throw some holy water on him and he just started to smoke, I mean his body started smoking and so we had to extinguish him with the fire extinguisher! We can’t have him burning down the holy damn palace here, now can we?”

“Let me see TubularshockPope! Where is he?”

“Calm down Sister Linda! Sister Schlut is taking care of him and he’s in good hands with her!”

“Oh, hmm, YES Oh Yes!! AHHHHH! OHHHHHH!”

“What the hell are YOU doing Sister Schlut!”

“Oh Reverend, I was just massaging myself on Brother TubularshockPope’s hat. It’s shaped like a penis, so I thought, what the hell!”

“Reverend Courtland, how could you? You left someone with the name Sister Schlut alone with TubularshockPope and you didn’t have a clue as to what would happen when you left that slut alone with a Pope with a penis hat?”

“Well, so much was happening at once Sister Linda! We had to go after you and see to it that you were okay! Linda, Johnny was a badass as you know only too well. Look at your poor face!”

“Shut up! TubularshockPope is coming around! TubularshockPope, how are you? Do you know who I am?”

“Huh? What? Where am I? Is this the Vatican?”

“No dear TubularshockPope, you’re at Reverend Courtland’s Church of the (un)holy Rollers and you’ve been beaten senseless, apparently!”

“Oh my god! Linda?! Is that you underneath all of those bruises and swellings? I recognize you by your voice, but what happened to YOU?!”

“It’s a long story TubularshockPope and I am going to get you out of here and we are going to sue this entire palace of unholy heathens and we are going to take Reverend Courtland for all that she’s worth. Reverend Courtland, we’re putting you on notice. Start packing your stacks of ill-gotten gains as our lawyers will be in touch. Come on dear Tubularshock, let’s go! We’re getting the hell out of here before something else happens!”

“No one is going anywhere!”

“Brother Thlug! Why are you barring the door and who are these…these brutes?”

“Reverend Courtland, you and I are engaged and yet I find out that you have been having an affair with this Vinnie son of a bitch. You brought him here? Did I not protect you when Sister TalkTooMuch aka Sister KnowItAll recorded you on Black Friday? Hmmm? Speechless? You, Reverend, speechless?”

“Uh…Brother Thlug. Me and Vinnie, it was just…just business! There was never anything personal going on. You know, it’s only been you, my sweet. Always only you!”

“Save it! I have recordings. Shall I show them now?”

“Wait a minute, Brother Thlug! Maybe we can work something out!”

“Oh, we’ll work something out! Believe me! WE will work something out because you see, I’m not giving you up! You are mine and mine alone and you are going to recognize that. Now, tell this congregation that you are stepping down as the reverend here because you are getting another full-time job, that of becoming MY wife!”

“Brother Thlug! Oh my darling! I have dreamed about this day for so long. That is why I flirted with Vinnie, so that I could stir you into jealousy because I thought that you no longer cared for me because of the age difference. I am five years older than you!”

“My dear, sweet Reverend Courtland, oh fuck that! My darling Shelby, I have loved you for so damn long. I have watched you stand when others would have crumbled. I listened to your sermons and smiled to myself because as rotten as you are, you let everyone know it. No one is in any doubt that you are the devil’s own and I would not have you any other way. Every woman pales in comparison to you, my sweet! I take all of your bad ass ways, your materialistic, selfishness and I just love the fire in your eyes, my little devil! Shelby, my dear love, in front of all of these people, I am on bended knee begging you to become my wife! What do you say?”

“I will marry you, Brother Thlug! I would marry you today, if I could!”

“Uh..humm!”

“Yes, TubularshockPope?”

“I AM the Pope and therefore, I can perform the marriage ceremony and redeem the catholic church by making, official, what you two have been doing in the ways of fornicating. We at the Vatican are attempting to reclaim our once so good name and this would be a great start. Brother Thlug, do you have the rings?”

“Yes, TubularshockPope, I do! I bought them for just in case, dear Reverend…I mean..my dear Shelby said ‘yes’!”

“Wait a minute! Shelby, can I be your flower girl? I’ve got my pink crocs on and you’ve got so many beautiful flowers here. Why waste them? We can go below and get you prepared!”

“Oh Sister Linda, can you ever forgive me?”

“Of course dear Reverend! It has been my lifelong dream to be a flower girl and because of you, that dream is being fulfilled. Do not worry about that silliness earlier. A little make-up here and a little cover-up there and I should look fine for my comedy performance tomorrow night! Let’s go!”

“Brother Thlug, the next time I see you, I will be making my entrance to become your lawfully wedded wife! I love you and thank you dear TubularshockPope for coming to the rescue and I hope that you can forgive me for what’s happened to YOU today!”

“Think nothing of it Dear Reverend, my bill will be sent to you, never fear!”
—————————————————————————–
“Oh, look! Here they come!”

“My name is Crying Billiams, PBC news, reporting on the nuptials of the infamous Reverend Give Me All You Got Courtland!
LindaComedyAct is walking down the aisle, smiling and holding a beautiful spray of flowers. A makeup artist was called in and she looks just like a homeless vagrant, but a smiling one, nevertheless.
Here comes the beautiful, unholy terror, the soon-to-be former Reverend Courtland, dressed in a long white off-the shoulder gown, tan skin glowing, black hair, swept up into a chignon and still wearing her 18” ‘white’ stiletto heels(in honor of the occasion)smiling and showing those pearly white teeth that she is so famous for!”

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the joining of two young people who have long lived in sin and enjoyed every minute of it and would have continued but for the shenanigans of the Reverend here is…..!”

“TubularshockPope, get on with it or you’ll wish you had!”

“Of course, is there ANYONE in here who has reason to believe that these two should not be joined in holy matrimony? If you do, speak now or forever hold your peace!”

“I know of several reasons! The Reverend is still married to ME, for one!”

“Mack Daniels? What…what are YOU doing here?”

“Funny, you should ask since you thought I was dead seeing as how you arranged a little accident that almost, but not quite, did me in!”

“What is the meaning of this?”

“Brother Thlug, I’ve heard about you. It would seem that I am saving your hide, my good man! You should be thanking me!”

“Shelby..uh..Reverend Courtland, is this true? Is this man your husband?”

“Absolutely not! He is an imposter! My husband was killed in a freak accident on the slopes of Kilimanjaro! He was about to best Devil’s Leap when there was a gunshot and off he went and an avalanche occurred which buried him and I was told that he had not one hope of a chance of surviving that. This garbage could not possibly be my ex!”

“My sweet! That’s where you’re wrong! I did survive it and I can prove that it was YOU who caused the avalanche!”

“Mack Daniels? Daniels?”

“Vinnie?!”

“Gotta go!”

“You owe me and this time I intend to collect!”

“Vinnie, I owe you one!”

“Think nothing of it Shelby, honey! This time, I’ll make it stick!”

“Uh..hum! Is there ANYONE else who objects…”

“TubularshockPope, get on with the rings and the damn kiss, thank you so damn much!”

“Oh, yes! Quite! Brother Thlug? The rings, please? Now then, repeat after me, ‘with this ring I thee wed’! I now pronounce you husband and demon…uh..I mean..husband and wife! You may kiss Frankenstein’s bride..uh..I mean your beautiful bride!”

“This is Crying Billiams of PBC news wrapping up coverage of the wedding of the century, complete with gangsters, the mafia, hit men, the devil and all things unholy in a holy sanctuary! This religion mess is for the damn hypocrites for sure! *sob* *sob*

“Oh, isn’t she beautiful Sister NeverGotMarried?”

“Yes, she is indeed, Sister HardUp!” *sniff**sniff*

“I want to thank you all for your kindness and for all the love that has been shown me over the years as the Reverend of this here holy sanctuary, but I have a new calling now, that of wife to my dear husband here and I’ve got a feeling that all MY time is going to be accounted for. I hereby relinquish my responsibilities to this church to Sister TooHoly! Give it a go Sister, you’re in the know! Bye all!”

“Bye Reverend and many blessings and have many babies!”

“Shut your mouth, Sister Too Holy! Can you just imagine what our dear former Reverend would bring forth! It’s unthinkable!”

“I guess you’re right, Brother FuckedUpByHisBadAssKids!”

“TubularshockPope, that was a beautiful ceremony. Let’s say we go down into the basement and toast the good Reverend! I saw a stash down there that you just wouldn’t believe!”

“Let’s go Sister Linda! It’s about time I had some good stuff to ‘wet my whistle’. That mess at the Vatican, you have no idea!”

“Will we see our dear Reverend again?”

“Sister Linda, rest assured, you ain’t seen the last of that vixen! Look lively! There’s a good girl! My, but you do need some more make-up! Geesh! Make mine a strong one, just looking at you takes strength and endurance! They tore unholy hell out of you!”

To The Hackers Who Targeted ‘Target’, You’re MY Hero!!

hackers are heroes2

Hackers, thank you ever so much! I am so grateful that you got into the American version of celebrating the birth of Christ by deciding that no one should be left out of the fun and that since Americans are stupid and predictable, each and every single year, you know what to expect around this same time.

My sincere hope is that you ‘target’ every single store next year. I encourage you to up the ante and include Wal-Mart, Kmart, Kohl’s, J.C. Penney, Sears(if they’re still open), Macy’s, Bloomingdale’s, Abercrombie & Fitch, Louis Vuitton; just ‘google’ every single American store and simply go down the list and get to hacking. Soup up your hacking gear so that you can ‘target’ more stores.

Don’t worry about the Secret Service getting called in to hunt you down and though they have assumed that you’re not in America, I wouldn’t worry about that because the Secret Service is practically useless these days anyway. As much as they stay in the news for engaging prostitutes in whatever country they happen to find themselves in while covering the Americans piece of shit, hypocritical, lying ass, drone striking president, they are of no consequence.

Bring American corporations to their knees and in the process, wake the drones the hell up because the ONLY way to get their attention is through their credit/debit cards. That is THE very essence of America, “spend baby, spend!” So, if you can grind that shit to a halt, you’ve got a fan for life. You’ve already caught over 40 million ‘spend drones’ and by golly that’s a whopper. Well done! Even though, 40 million stupid, clueless shopping drones are most likely hating on you right now, I’m not because I wasn’t stupid enough to buy into “Christmas is all about shopping, fuck the savior’s birth and all that shit!”

Americans advertise, ‘religiously’, when they are going to be out in droves to spend, spend, spend and so hackers, please gear up for the next holiday spending spree and that will on be Valentine’s Day. Keep this date handy, February 14th. Flowers are the No. 1 gift and candy is right behind it. You know what to do. Check the American calendar, that will show you every holiday that Americans spend money on.

Last but not least, ‘target’ Black Friday Madness each and every single year. Americans never remember, “a fool and his/her money are easily parted.” You see, Americans have short attention spans and this will all have blown over and been forgotten by this time next year. The ads will be out touting deep discounts, so come and get it and the silly Americans will do just that! Be prepared!

Much LOVE…oh and enjoy the holidays!!!!

….and the ‘Good’ Reverend Speaks! Revival Time!

'Former White Sheet Baptist Church'
‘Former White Sheet Baptist Church’

 

“Good evening congregation!!! I am absolutely thrilled to have been invited to guest speak here at the ‘Former White Sheet Baptisit Church’. It is an honor and a privilege to represent the ‘Church of the Holy Rollers’ and to those of my congregation who are in attendance, can I get an Amen?”

“AMEN!”

“Now, then! Hold up! Wait a minute! Grand Wizard, what is up with the white sheets? I thought that this was the ‘Former White Sheet Baptist Church!”

Uh…Reverend ‘Give Me All You Got’ Courtland, forgive me, but some members of my congregation were not pleased at my inviting you and members of your congregation to this church, but their objections were overruled and they are just a bit sore about it, that is all.”

“That is all! That is ALL! The hell it is! I have no intention of preaching the good word to some damn sheets. Now you instruct those sheet wearing fools to strip ’em and strip ’em now!”

“Reverend Courtland, I don’t think that that would be wise.”

“And you mean to tell me that it is wise to sit here in this so-called ‘holy sanctuary’ draped in white sheets? I am the guest speaker here and I say, the sheets come off!”

“Alright, Reverend Courtland, but you’re not gonna like it.”

“I already don’t like it!”

” What the fuck!”

“I told you, you wouldn’t like it.”

“Is this some sort of damn cult? Why is black paint all over the sheets, true Black don’t come off! And what the hell, ‘Black face’ makeup?”

“Reverend Courtland, I did not mean for this to happen. I thought that you would just speak and we would partake of communion together and sing songs about coming together and maybe those of your church could play some drums and treat us to some of that good ole jungle music.”

“Jungle mu….what?”

“Of course, if you feel as if I have stepped out of line, please accept my sincerest apologies. I meant no harm.”

“Meant no ha…meant no………………….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Brother Thlug! Brother Mafio! Call the gang, at once! We are about to set it off up in here! I don’t sanction no racist bullshit! Who the hell do you think you’re fucking with Grand Lizard?”

“Uh…it’s Grand Wizard.”

“Grand LIZARD! You slimy, sithering lizard! My kung fu lessons finally are about to pay off. You’re gonna hear music alright. You ever heard the song, ‘Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting? Well, you gonna live it! Congregation, in the words of Marvin Gaye, ‘Let’s Get It On!”

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

“Brother Mafio, thank you so much for pulling my 18″ stilleto heel out of Grand Lizard’s ass and Brother Thlug, thank you for pulling the other one out of his mouth, but I won’t be needing them, they are both covered in racism and I would never be able to rub that shit off. No way, no how. Hold Grand Lizard’s head up, I got some preaching to do! The next time you invite someone to speak in this three ring white supremacy circus, you better know just  what the hell you’re doing, because I am SO not the one! You little punk ass racist piece of shit! Hallelujah!!! Here I stand in the midst of some unholy shit, barefoot, nails broken and hair tousled from ass kicking some white sheet wearing filth and in the house of the lord??!!!! This is unheard of!!”

“Sister KnowItAll, it is YOUR responsibility to not get us into shit like this. What the hell am I paying you to know it all for? You should know damn well that I don’t mind kicking ass, but you also should know that I will not tolerate hatin’ ass racists! Now what do you have to say for yourself???!!!!”

“Reverend Courtland, the Grand Wizard approached me and stated that his church had heard wonderful praise about our palace of worship and wanted to experience first-hand one of your world famous sermons even though he was just a mite concerned that everyone would not be onboard. However, he assured me that….”

“He assured you?!!! Take a damn look around Sister KnowNothing! Even Little TearHellUp should not have been exposed to this mess! How dare you stand there and downplay bullshit! You are paid to KNOW, you are not paid to seek assurances from racist assholes!! You exposed my flock to this shit knowing that I am ultimately responsible for the souls of my sheep! I am crass, cold and callous enough! They don’t need to be subjected to some ‘Black Face’ hidden under white sheets racist shit! My sermons leave my sheep feeling good about themselves. And this is going to take some extreme effort on MY part to pull them through this and hell knows they’ve been through much lately with government shutdowns and debt ceiling crises and every other kind of hell tossed at some of our weaker members! How dare you expose them to the evils of the Klan too! Get that Grand Lizard bastard up! Can he talk?”

“I don’t know Reverend, he’s been kinda mumbling something.”

“You couldn’t make it out Brother Mafio?”

“Not really, as good as I can make out, what I think I heard was ‘police’.”

“Police? Police? Grand Lizard, you want the ‘police’? And just what do you think that they are going to do about my having fucked you up? Brother Thlug and Brother Mafio, hold this contemptible shit still. Thank you! Grand Lizard, I don’t know whether or not you remember the scripture that says if ‘thine eye offends thee, pluck it out’, well…kiss your tongue ‘goodbye’ because it offends ME! Now, hold him still! There we go, you’ll have to write or print your racist bullshit from now on Grand Lizard, you’ll not be offending MY congregation nor any other, verbally that is. Now call the goddamn police and tell them all about what’s troubling you! Go ahead!!! What? I can’t hear you? Huh? What does ‘llllullllullll’ mean? The police are going to think you’re insane! You want me to call them for you? Sure, I’m in a better mood now! Brother Mafio, hand me something to wipe the racist slime off my hands and then find my cell phone. Thanks! I’ve got to dial 911! Yes, 911, my name is Revered ‘Give Me All You Got’ Courtland and I am here at the ‘Former White Sheet Baptist Church’. I was invited as a guest speaker, along with my congregation and when we got here, all hell was breaking loose. It looks like a Halloween party gone terribly wrong. People were moaning and wearing white sheets with eye slits and then the caterwauling started and the white sheets came off. Also, a ‘minstrel show’ was taking place because ‘black’ was rubbing off on white sheets and then this one guy stood up and claimed to be a ‘lizard’ and somebody with a sheet draped over them fucked him up. He needs medical attention. What’s that? The address is 666 Devil’s Lane. Oh, and he’s been ‘tongue tied’. Well, we’re off! I got some souls to save! Hallelujah!”

“Reverend Courtland, do you want me to stick around and explain this mess?”

“No Sister Burnathat, and how many times have I told you not to grill INSIDE??!!! Have you set the whole damn building on fire?!”

“But, but, Reverend, I’m not cooking anything. Lightning struck!”

“Have mercy! The devil is come to claim his own! Get ta steppin’!!!!! Everybody out! The devil is home and revival is over!!!! Where’s my holy water?????!!!!!”

The Reverend Is Back From The Spa! “Hallelujah!!!”

Reverend Give Me All You Got's Palace of Worship

“Good afternoon everyone! I find it hard to believe that a month has gone by. I must say that the time that I spend at the spa has a most rejuvenating effect. Most relaxing, calming and it just lulls me into a great mood to get me ready to preach the good word. Word up!”

“Now then, we have a lot to cover this fine Sunday afternoon and I shall get on with it in just a moment. But first, I would like to hear from my flock today. Are there any concerns that you may be having? You can tell me anything. That is what you pay me for. Hands please!”

“Yes, Sister Senior?”

“Reverend, I would like to say that I am so glad that the government ended the shutdown and raised the debt ceiling because I was wondering just how I was going to pay my tithes today if they had not ended their partisan bickering and decided to do the right thing.”

“Thank you Sister Senior for that most heartfelt concern and it is very ‘concerning’ to me also. I was unaware of a government shutdown since I was at the spa and told everyone that I was not to be disturbed unless a fire broke out. Now, you say that the government shutdown?”

“Yes, Reverend ‘Give Me All You Got’ Courtland, the government shut down for 16 days and it pains me to be the first to inform you. I hope that it does not interfere with the calming effect that your stay at the spa had on you.”

“Hold up just a minute, Sister Senior, I have got to place a call!”

“Obama!!!!” “What the hell is YOUR problem? Don’t you know that I have a flock of heathens who need to hear the good word as preached by me? I don’t have time for your games and your shit, do you hear me? The next time I come to Washington, the House and the Senate had best be in good working order or I will instruct the devil’s own minions to take his own!!!” “How the hell am I suppose to fleece this here flock if they fail to receive the money that they have paid into Social Security their entire working lives? If you think for one damn minute that I am going to sit idly by and watch while you steal from me, I mean, from my flock, you’ve got another think coming. The hell with you and your right leaning, anti-help the people, looking out only for your bullshit propagandist stance. I am the only one who can assume THAT stance and I’ll put up with no usurpers. Do you fucking hear me, you godless bastard!!!!????” What’s that? Guantanamo is still open? What the hell? You threatening ME??!!!! You fucking threatening me???!!! Look here!!! Just because your thugged out wife has become too hoity-toity since graduating from Harvard to give you a piece of her damn mind, don’t think that I won’t. I preach the good word every damn month and I have no problem filling your big ears with some much needed sermonizing. Now, listen and listen good, my flock are MINE to fleece, you got that? I don’t give a hot damn what you do with your own money, but if Sister Senior here cannot pay her tithes because of some bullshit about you withholding her funds, we got problems and I can tell you right now, you little shit, fuck with Sister Senior’s check again and I will show you that hell hath NO fury! Oh, it is a well known fact that you know that you are a hell bound hound, but just because you already know that hell has your cell ready, that ain’t all you got to worry about because I am all in the know. The deepest pit of hell would be too good for the likes of you. Don’t mess with my flock’s tithes and don’t mess with me! The hell if I’m scared of your ‘Guantanamo is still open’ threat! Kiss my holy ass, you lying, depraved twit!!”

CLICK!!!

“Now then, Sister Senior, if you have any more problems with hearing about how the government is going to confiscate your tax dollars, I would suggest that you and the other seniors who are members of this palace of worship, band together and take a damn stand. I cannot be everywhere at once. If I am at the spa, I am in no position to know what is going on outside those doors because when I am getting my massage, Edward Soothinghands just takes me to paradise. Hallelujah!”

“Is there anyone else who would like to apprise me of a situation that they think is so beyond the pale as to be untenable? Hands, please?” Yes? Is that you Brother Pimp?”

“Yes, Reverend, your honor. As you know, I’m a business man and you can appreciate how hard It would be to remain in business if my clients don’t have any money to pay for uh…certain services? I would like to state that many of my clients are Federal workers and because of the government shutdown, they were furloughed and many contracts were rendered null and void. Something has just got to be done. Thank you for your time.”

“Brother Pimp, now you know what the ‘buybull’ says in regards to your ‘business’ and though I must uphold what is in the ‘buybull’, I do however, understand that when it comes to paying the bills, somebody’s got to do it. Now, you just heard my conversation with Puppet Obama. Is there anyone else who was behind the shenanigans of shutting down the government that I should know about?”

“Yes, Reverend. Speaker of the House John ‘can’t get a boner’ was part of the problem. And since he is always drunk and can’t get it up anyway, he is not a client and has no wish to see anyone else get their freak on.”

“Brother Pimp, you mean to tell me that that pissy, crying ass Speaker of the House was helping to hold hostage you and Sister Senior’s ability to pay your damn bills?”

“Yes, Reverend, your honor!”

“Congregation, hold on just a minute. I got to place another phone call. Operator!! Get me Speaker of the House Weeping Eyes ‘can’t get a boner’ on the phone. Hey WeepSop, what the hell is wrong with you now? I realize that you’re a fucking drunk and a limp cock son of a bitch, but that is still NO excuse for playing games with my flock’s money. Get your pitiful act together and learn how to piss straight and piss their money right into their damn empty ass pockets. Did you fucking hear me??!!! What? A drone strike? What the hell do I care about a drone strike? I didn’t even think you spoke to Obama, much less ordered him to drone strike! Just who the hell do you think you are? Let me tell you one thing! Don’t mess with me! And don’t mess with my heathen flock! They need their money to pay ME! Did you fucking get that through that besotted, liquidized, Scotch soaked brain of yours? Come up out of that damn gaseous cloud of noxious alcohol fumes and get your fucking act together, you lazy asswipe!!”

Click!

“How in the hell am I supposed to get on with the sermon when I had no idea that my money, I mean, my tithes, uh..this palace’s tithes were being held for ransom by those who are supposed to make sure that this ship sits securely in her berth? I am afraid to ask, but is there anyone else who thinks that there is something that I need to be made aware of? Yes, Sister WorkTooHard?”

“Reverend, my little boy was kicked out of Head Start and…”

“Hold up, wait a minute!!! Do you mean little TearHellUp? Of course, HE was kicked out of Head Start, hell! I’m surprised that they put up with him for a whole day. He’s even now giving Brother Mafio and Brother Thlug a run for their money. Thanks to him, I am going to have to spend more money on bouncers up in here! For the love of…..!”

“No, Reverend, it’s not that. You see, the government when they shut down, they ceased funding to the Head Start program and also my WIC checks were held hostage and so I could barely feed little SoHungry here!” “Sob!”

“There, there now, we’ll figure something out. Sister Burnathat, get up and help Sister WorkTooHard with some tissues! Not with my box, you fool,  that box of tissues that feel like brillo pads rubbing your damn nose! Sister WorkTooHard, just what did YOU do about the fact that you failed to receive your WIC checks?”

“Nothing, Reverend, I was waiting on you to solve the crisis for me.”

“Waiting on me??!!! Didn’t you hear my sermon four months ago on apathy and complacency? Where were you when I was speaking of the need for all of us to come up out of this fog of materialism and to stop wallowing in self-fulfillment to the detriment of all else and all others? Why did you not take heed when I spoke of giving up material things and of helping one another? Did you not hear my sermon five months ago regarding, ‘Am I My Brother’s Keeper?’ Did not Cain get banned for killing Abel, claiming that he was not his brother’s keeper? Ye know not the scripture! Ye heed not the teachings, nor display the sense the Almighty gave to a goat! You look to me? Are you serious? Get some back bone and stand up for yourself! If you continue to lie down and take an ass whooping, are you not then going to continue to get one? I rest my fucking case!”

All right, now who else was behind this government shut down shit?”

“Uh…Reverend?”

“Yes, Deacon LukeDamFine, what is it?”

“Reverend, Senator Ted Cruz from Texas was, pardon my French, but he was hell bent on attempting to try and see to it that the government went into default and has vowed to not lose in the next government debt ceiling showdown which should take place in about three more months. We basically just got a three month reprieve. I just thought that you should know.”

“Well, well, well. Ted Cruz, eh? That teafuck was also responsible for this shit storm that was a direct result of this government shutdown bullshit? Hmmmmm! Operator!! Get me Teafuck Cruz on the phone! Now! Teafuck, I heard about your big display of arrogance, and while I was waiting on the phone, I was able to pull up a great deal about you and your actions that added to the injustices suffered by my flock because of your grandstanding and your tedious 21-plus hour quasi filibuster on the Senate floor. Even I don’t talk that damn long and I am from the South. Yes, I understand that in Texas, y’all do everything big, but for fuck’s sake, you have gone too damn far this time! You forget that I have some tapes on you! Remember those? You start some more shutdown shit in three months and I promise you that I will make them public property. I’ll hand your ass to you on a silver platter, literally. I got the goods on you, you little Teafuck prick!!!! Start some more shit and then read the damn news. Of course, you know firsthand what’s what. Again, start some more shit and your sins are gonna sit your ass back down! Hallelujah!!! 21-plus hours, indeed!”

“Now, then! On with today’s sermon. Flock, I know that I come across as crass and callous and all about money and yes, that is me. But I also care. I care when your tithes are held hostage by some crass, callous asshole who cares only about money. That is why I have hidden cameras in places only myself and one other person knows about and that is why I can pick up the phone and Obama and crew will answer because they know that I’ve got the ‘goods’ on them, so to speak. Because, trust me, what I’ve got on them is anything but ‘good’! I am going to break away from my former policy of not being ‘contactable’ while at the spa, but don’t think that you can take advantage of this new opportunity to reach me because if I find the reasons are foolish, again, hell hath no fury!! Do you understand me? Alrighty then!”

“Let me take this opportunity to state that for those of you who believe in the goodness of humanity, take those damn rose colored glasses off and take a good damn look around. Everyone is out for themselves, myself included. Now, my being a Reverend would make you think or believe in my inherent goodness, think again. I am a self-satisfying, self-centered, self-indulging hypocrite. But the difference between me and those whom I placed a call to is that they believe themselves to not be hypocritical. They do not hold themselves to the same high standards that I hold myself to. You see, I don’t lie to you. I know that my shit stinks and I am not afraid to admit to it. The Obamas and No Boners and TeaFuck Cruzs of the world will tell you that they don’t even shit, much less smell it. Wrong! They shit the most and it has the stench of sulfur. They are the evil oppressors of the world but they will tell you that what they are doing is for your own good. Don’t believe them. It’s hype and it is smoke and mirrors. They are worse than I am. They are worse than the devil in hell. Make no mistake, they do not have your best interest at heart. They only have the interests of their masters at heart, those who pull their strings. They are mere puppets who are controlled. Never think for a minute that what Obama tells you is an epiphany from him. It is not. He has been bought and paid for, the same as all the rest who would dare try and sell you a bad bill of goods that you’ve already paid for, twice. Remember, the Wall Street thugs were never prosecuted and now you know why. Because those who are in Washington are in bed with those who are Wall Street. At least I am an honest pickpocket, them, not so much!”

“And that concludes the monthly sermon of the ‘Church of the Holy Rollers’ Oktoberfest special edition. Amen!” “And don’t forget to hand me all 36 collection plates ushers! Ushers, did you hear me? Hot damn! Ass kicking is about to commence regardless of whether I want it to or not. Let me take my high heels off and…….!!!!!!”

The Church of the ‘Holy Rollers’:Sunday Sermon

Reverend Give Me All You Got's Palace of Worship

“First of all, I would like to welcome everyone this fine Sunday morning and to thank you for ‘coming out’. Wait a minute, hold up! Gay people, I was not talking to you! We don’t want YOUR kind ‘coming out’ ‘going in’ or anything else! Here at the Church of the Holy Rollers, we don’t put up with that kind of nonsense about how you are ‘born gay’. You’re not born gay, you’re just an abomination and now you are all up in our face with your ‘gayness’! Well…we won’t stand for it! Hell no! Hallelujah! Can I get an ‘AMEN’? Thank you my brothers and sisters, that’s telling them. Now then, to continue with the sermon. Recently, there has been some talk that some of you are not adhering to the ten commandments and I am going to set the record straight TODAY on just what the ten commandments are and what they mean and how you should act on them accordingly. Now, sit up and take notice. But first, ushers, pass the collection plate around for the 25th time and we should have enough to fund my new Hennessey Venom GT. And don’t even start questioning why I need a vehicle that costs over a million dollars because you know that I visit the sick, the shut-in and the needy and by driving this baby, travelling at 287mph, that would cut down on my travel time since there are so many people desperately in need of my preaching the word. Word up!! Now, back the to sermon.”

“As I was saying, the ten commandments are to be adhered to. Hold on. Ushers, I said, USHERS! Where is the collection plate for my new building fund? No not that one. The one for that new beachfront property that I had my eye on last week. Yeah, that one! Don’t even start questioning me about why I need beachfront property. Everyone in here knows how hard I work, I mean preach in this here holy sanctuary. We have Sunday service once a month and you know what a toll it takes on my strength and my endurance to stand here and preach the word to a flock of heathens who, without my guidance, will never see the inside of the ‘Pearly Gates’. Now then, where was I? Oh right…the ten commandments. Now, heathens, as you are all aware, we have been having some shenanigans going on in the basement of this here palace of worship! Don’t even think about denying it because I saw you on the secret camera that I had installed to make sure that the trustees aren’t stealing from the collection plate. Now, I don’t hold with no fornicating on church property. You all know my philosophy on that, I mean, what the Bible says on that. Amen! There is a facility located behind this palace for fornicators and it’s got a red door with a red light over the door and it says, ‘Red Light District!’ Now, then where was I? Oh right! Now the ten commandments…wait a minute, who is disrupting my Sunday sermon with that caterwauling? The Holy Ghost? Have you paid your tithes? No? Then get the hell out of here! We don’t sanction no deadbeats up in this here holy worshipping palace! We’ll tolerate no slackers in here!”

“Where was I? Oh yes, the ten commandments are about…. What? You forgot to collect for my Armani clothing fund? All right! Listen up! This here palace of worship’s sermon is being held up because of you fumbling degenerates who can’t even read the list of my needs and send the collection plate around accordingly. We are going to clear this up once and for all! Now take note! Secretary of the church? Damn! Where the hell are you? Leave Deacon Bradley’s ass alone will you? After you make a list of my needs, you and Deacon Bradley can go to the ‘Red Light District’.  However I must warn you that Deacon Bradley’s wife was seen entering the ‘Red Light District’ with Deacon Johnson and we all know Deacon Johnsons, nickname, ‘Long Dong Silver’, but I don’t think they’re coming out anytime soon so, after you take this list down, the two of you can go on over. Don’t forget to pay the entrance fee of $500.00. It’s for the upkeep, you know. We can’t have our fornicating exposed to the world now, can we? We are fine, upstanding church folk. Don’t forget to stop at our wine shop located next door to the ‘Red Light District’ as you’ll want to ‘wet your whistle’ while getting it up, I mean, getting it on!” Hallelujah!!! Now, take note! The collection plate is to be sent around ten MORE times because the Reverend, that’s me of course. Reverend ‘Give Me All You Got’ Courtland has some needs because preaching ain’t free!”

“Number 1. Building Fund. No, not for this here palace, for MY palace, you fool!”

“Number 2. Vehicle Fund. No, no, no, not the church bus fund, my private vehicle collection fund!”

“Number 3. Vacation Fund. Damn it to hell! No, not for a ‘Vacation Bible School fund’, MY vacation fund! Now you see why I need vacations all the damn time!”

“Number 4. Robes Fund. Choir robes? The hell you say! My robes! Did you hear me, MY ROBES!!!”

“Number 5. Clothing Fund. “What?” Hell no! We ain’t running no charity here! This here Clothing Fund is for my expensive, I mean needed apparel to wear to church underneath this here robe! You got that? All righty then!”

“Number 6. Food Fund: Feed the hungry? Feed the hungry? Who the hell is up in here hungry? Didn’t we just have ‘communion’ last month? Didn’t you drink grape juice, I mean ‘wine’ and eat that crust that Usher Fucked me so hard, I mean…Usher Fucmehard handed out?! That’s enough feeding the hungry!!! We are sitting all up in the richest country on the planet so don’t give me that bullshit about ‘what about the hungry’? We got no hungry folk here in America. I have not seen one hungry person on my way here this morning. If I did, I would have had the chauffeur stop my limo and hand them my gold-plated card. Wait, strike that! I would have given them the ‘other’ card and told them to walk on over, we’d feed them that leftover burnt crust that Sister Burnathat made when she was trying to bake bread for the communion. This fund is for MY groceries! Hallelujah!!!”

“Number 7.Credit Card Fund. Why do I need a credit card? Are you questioning me? The ‘Reverend’? Do you want me to come down off this pulpit and kick your ass? You know that I need credit cards to make my hotel reservations when I’m doing community outreach in the Virgin Islands and staying at the Ritz-Carlton ain’t cheap ya know!!! Not to mention that I’ve actually got to put myself out by flying first-class over there and that ain’t cheap! And don’t forget, I need a chauffer driven limo in order to get around. Not cheap!! The meals, come on  now, you know the score!”

“Number 8. Champagne Fund. What? For communion? Are you out of your damn mind? You got grape juice, I mean ‘wine’ last month. Didn’t I give a sermon last month on greed and how it destroys the soul? Didn’t you hear me? What’s that? In the basement? What was you doing in the basement? Never mind! Hold on a minute everyone, I got to rewind this here tape. I can’t believe that I missed something. Oh hell naw!!! What the hell were you doing humping my man? Damn it to hell! It’s on!!!!!”

“Let me catch my breath! Now congregation, you can see that it ain’t easy being the Reverend of this here palace of worship church, when you got to get here, preach, kick ass and take names!!”

“Number 9. Hair Salon and Spa Fund. I don’t even want to hear it! Y’all know why!!! Do you really expect me to do my own hair and nails and keep this perfectly tanned body of mine without blemish all by myself? Don’t I need to be in tiptop condition to get through a rigorous sermon? Didn’t you just see me chip a nail by giving Sister Slut, I mean, Sister Schlut a beatdown? How in the hell can you begrudge me a month at the Spa when the only way, I said, the ONLY way… that you have a snowball’s chance in hell of not going to hell is by my showing up here and YOU listening to me deliver the ‘good’ word to you? You don’t want to get through the pearly gates? What are you sitting up in here for? By listening to the word, you get a guaranteed spot in the heavenly paradise that awaits you on the other side of this here earthly realm that we’ve all got to leave at some point. I’m here to get you across! Now listen up! There will be NO further outbursts in here! Brother Mafio and Brother Thlug are just itching to do some knuckle dusting. Now try me!”

“No. 10: Reverend Give Me All You Got’s Salary Fund. This here is THE most important fund of all because as you know, my time is valuable. I had to go through an entire one day class to become ordained to preach all up in this palace of worship and how many of you can say that you are better educated than I am? Hands please? What? The hell you say! How the hell is all six hundred of you smarter than me? Say what? A degree? It’s hot as hell outside! The degree is up there in the triple digits. This is exactly the ignorance that I spoke about two months ago. Don’t come up in here, knowing you ignorant and then try and tell me that you got a degree when we all know that a degree is related to the temperature. And I had to tell you just how hot it is outside. See? This is why you’re going to hell! Trying to act like you educated and you don’t even know about temperature! How do you expect the heavenly ‘father’ to put up with you In all of your ignorance? Child, come here! I got to lay hands on you!!! Now, repeat after me, ‘I am an ignorant sinner, not fit to kneel in front of the good Reverend here and I beg forgiveness for displaying  my ignorance for the entire congregation to witness. I am now going to put more money into the Reverend’s Salary Fund because the Reverend knows best!’ Was that hard? Now go sit the hell down!”

“Those are the ten commandments that the congregation is to adhere to. The Reverend is THE most important member of ANY church, especially this here palace of worship that I’ve, I mean… we’ve built here. The saving of souls has been my duty and my obligation for many years and I do not take my duties and obligations and responsibilities lightly. Why do you think that we have such an upstanding record in our community? It is because of me! Our sins! Strike that, YOUR sins are kept secret thanks to me AND all of your many vices remain hidden on my tapes. I have only had to resort to blackmail twelve times. Now then, let us pray before we depart these holy and sanctified walls of this palace.”

“Thank you for bringing the heathens to me so that I can show them the light, the truth and the word. The word is power and the word is money and through power and money, will they be led to the light. We need a lot of both to keep the sheep, I mean, the flock in line. Strike that! The congregation that is, need to understand that the only way to get through the ‘Pearly Gates’ is through handing me money. Strike that! The way to get through the ‘Pearly Gates’ is in doing the good deeds of seeing to the Reverend’s needs and funding accordingly. We fight an uphill battle, but the saving of souls is our business…uh is our goal, not to mention raising more money for the Reverend’s Vacation Fund and that IS the truth! Amen!”

“Now, get out!” “No, not you, Deacon Look Damn Fine!” “Uh…I mean Deacon Lukedamfine!”

“Wait a damn minute!” Who the hell struck ‘good’ out in front of my name? I got some tapes to rewind and then some more ass-kicking is about to commence!”

“Now THAT concludes this sermon for Sunday, September 22nd! Now get the hell out!”

WordPress Bloggers To The Rescue!

12650_friendship

 

 

Dennis gets our morning off with coffee with the homeless.

Jerry keeps the ‘peace’ since the natives here are restless.

 

Skywanderer is busy as she shares just what we do.

Jeff will speak the truth and then he’ll hand the ‘mic’ to you.

 

Tubular’s in the ‘war room’ disguised as someone’s sock,

just waiting for Ms. Courtland to clean somebody’s clock.

 

MisBehaved Woman is doing what she does best,

protesting with a sign ’cause she won’t let it rest.

 

Shainbird on the other hand just wrote what she did see,

a lovely poetry piece and she’s posting it for free.

 

Meanwhile, Skywanderer just tweeted something nice,

to all her many fans who then re-tweeted twice.

 

I. Frederick’s in the room and she’s all in the know.

She tells it like it is, she’s the star of this here show.

 

Shelby Courtland is a wild one, who plays so many roles.

At times she’s rather brazen, at times she’s saving souls.

 

They’re a fine motley crew who will lead the revolution.

Tubular’s on the job, he’ll be the prosecution.

 

Our government’s got to go; it’s no longer for the people.

They give all to the rich but they hate the poor and feeble.

 

We’ll stand for one; we’ll stand for all, this time we’ll play it smart.

We’re going green and going clean; so Tube, you push the cart.

 

Written by,

Shelby I. Courtland

 

I hope no one who is mentioned gets upset. This is all in fun. It is just my way of thanking those who have stuck with me through all my ups and downs and who are always there to lend a supporting hand. For those of you that I’ve missed, please know that I thank you also for all that you do! I didn’t worry about ‘getting it right’ as this comes from the heart, so I hope you enjoy! Thanks!

And to all WordPress bloggers out there, this ones for you!!