I Am Lost And In Despair!


I don’t know what to say, as usual.
The things I want to do never get done.
What I need to do always takes precedence
and I am always left to wonder and to question
just why my life has to be tied up with others
to the point where I can never do for me
the things I think I need to do for my peace of mind?
Why I have not caved and fallen and is down for the count,
I know not why because it is not for want of heavy burdens.
I cannot even bring myself to weep for my tear ducts are dry
and the sad part is that I am not getting any younger,
though I am put upon as though I am in the first bloom of youth.
Never is there any help extended to me, nor arms open to receive me.
There are only urgent matters of others that fall into my lap
waiting to be dealt with by me…always me…only me.
I am running out of time for me since me is always last.
A long, ragged breath held for an eternity must escape
but to where? To where? I am lost and in despair.

Written by,
Shelby I. Courtland
©2016 Shelby I. Courtland

This one probably doesn’t make any sense because I am just so goddamn tired, it’s unreal. I never made it to Baltimore. I got as far as Madison, WI and was in a hotel room recuperating from driving that far when I received a phone call from a hospital stating that my cousin had been hit by a train and had a fractured skull, broken neck, broken back and broken leg and that he was alert and aware and was being prepped for surgery. He fell off the train platform right directly in the path of an oncoming train.

I realize that I am probably feeling self pity for me and that I should just be thankful that my cousin is alive and is expected to make a full recovery…..after extensive rehab, of course. But once more, plans that I had made were, dare I say….derailed? It is quite obvious to me that I am not supposed to make my next stand in Baltimore for why would such a horrendous thing have happened right at the time that I was en-route? I give! I fucking give!