Trump’s First SOTU

“Good evening my fellow Americans. First of all, I want to assure all Americans, true Americans, that is, that I will not include in this address to the nation, any FAKE NEWS! That is CNN’s job.”

“As we celebrate America, the greatest and most exceptional country on the planet, we understand that to make America great again means to get rid of the Statue of Liberty which I never thought belonged here in the first place. Why do we want poor people from shithole countries? We don’t want the tired and poor huddled masses here raping our young white virginal girls with their filthy Mexican hands. And that is why I propose to build that wall to keep those raping Mexicans from crossing over until I need some housekeepers at Mar-a-Lago.”

“I realize that I took a lot of hits for my ‘shithole countries’ remarks when referring to people coming from Haiti and African countries, but those people who live in those shitholes are thanking me for exposing to the world, what they already know. And of course, FAKE NEWS didn’t print that.”

“However, there is much ground to cover tonight and without further ado, I shall get the show on the road. First up, we will soon have my new immigration bill signed into law and we will ignore any injunctions because a mere judge cannot undo what the President of the United States has signed into law. I am sick and tired of being told that I must answer to a higher power when there can be no higher power than the President of this great country. My new immigration bill covers not only the basics for keeping unwanted immigrants from migrating here, but this bill will also remove those who are still dreaming of remaining here. The Dreamers have been dreaming for far too long and it is quite past time that we turned their dreams into plane rides back to where their parents came from. I am quite sure that Honduras, Guadalupe, Guatemala, Cinco de Mayo and Trinidad and Tobago would welcome their people back to Latin America. America is not the only country that grows vegetables and those people who are here illegally are needed to work the fields in their parents original country of birth.”

“Next, we have to fix our infrastructure here in America because America’s infrastructure has been neglected for far too long and that is why I have signed a new executive order giving FrackAway Corporation, the absolute rights to fracking in Oklahoma, New Mexico, Stalingrad and Kansas with the assurance that there will be no serious and sustained damage to the earth and nearby drinking water wells of local residents and these people will thank me later when the price of gas goes way, way down and remains low. We will no longer be dependent on foreign oil and I have also been assured by the FrackAway Corporation that they also specialize in windmills. I want one for Mar-a-Lago and they are going to install it. Windmills remind me of those cute little pinwheels I had when I was a child and now that I’m an adult, I need adult toys.”

“What I want to do now is to introduce to you, Sgt. Dead Man Walking, Sgt. Walking has been deployed nine times to Afghanistan and since he has been in that country so long, he has been declared an Afghan citizen and he has agreed to help with the negotiations with the Taliban on getting the opium out of Afghanistan much faster than we have been able to manage thus far. By cutting down on the paperwork, Sgt. Walking will expedite the process that normally takes 19 days into a 5 day time frame from the time the plant is stripped to the time it lands at our secret Air Force base in Area 59.”

“I do realize that FAKE NEWS has been accusing me of using Twitter too much but I have been assured by Twitter that I make far less use of their services than my predecessor George W. Bush. It is my understanding that Bush and his playmate Condasleezie Rice had secret user names and they used Twitter to make secret assignations which were of course, kept secret until I inquired into Twitter usage of past presidents. Unlike what FAKE NEWS would have you believe, I am hard at work trying to make sure that I use my time to actually get things done. I have also cut my golf games down to 26 a day, 6 days a week. It was difficult, but I want the American people to know that I will not rest until every American has what he/she needs in order to be a viable asset to this great company…I mean, country.”

“Someone just whispered into my earpiece that a rumor is going around since my wife showed up here by her lonesome. Well, let me stop the rumormongers in their tracks right now. Melania came in alone at my request. I have told her time and time again that when I am dallying with another lady friend, the lady friend is apt to get jealous if she sees us together too much and that out of respect for her, my lady friend, that is, I must insist that she attend to her First Lady duties on her own. We are both adults and she does not need to hold my hand every single day.”

“Now then, it has come to my attention that some of you are still shocked and appalled that I won the presidency; stripped right from underneath ole Hillary over there! What can I say, there are just not enough Black Supremacists to counter the White Supremacists and the Black Nationalists are just now gaining their membership while the White Nationalists have been at it since 1602. And now with ANTIFA strutting around, we’ve got ourselves a big ole case of group segregation going on. What we need is yet another uncivil war to get this mess all straightened out because a house united must be divided and I aim to do just that.”

“And finally, I know that some of you are wondering why I have not fired the entire FBI and that is because I have secretly rendered that agency, impotent. The FBI no longer has the clout it once had. These so-called ‘investigations’ into my family’s affairs will cease because the Trump name and brand is spotless. We have no skeletons in our closets and despite every attempt by the Democrats, who by the way, are still suffering from their massive defeat blaming me for their losses, we are still managing to get things done because even the republicans who did not want to work with me in the beginning have come over to my side and my way of thinking. And by all means, light Twitter up tomorrow to show your support for the new tax overhaul bill, for the immigration bill and for the fact that you love number 45!”

“To the American people, the TRUE American people, I wish you a good night and to the dREAMERS, your planes are ready for takeoff!”

You Won’t Sit Out This Show!

tragedy

When news is no longer news,
and its relevance has quickly waned,
it is because you do not care.
your outrage was clearly feigned.

When they point you in a direction
and say, “Here is your enemy!”
You gladly climb onboard,
and believe their lies, most readily.

Will you ever see the big picture,
and not focus on the absurd?
Is that why you wish to sleep,
and never have your dreams disturbed?

The awakening is here!
What’s before you must be faced!
If you are not prepared,
then I advise you to make haste.

This not at all a conspiracy.
You can lay that point to rest.
It is not about inducing fear.
And it’s not a broadcast test.

Wake up and take a look.
Behold reality!
It could all have been avoided,
the part you’ll play in this tragedy!

Written by,
Shelby I. Courtland
©2015 Shelby I. Courtland

So, do you want the good news first or the bad news? Okay! Okay! I’ll give you the ‘good’ news first. “Hear ye! Hear ye!” The retail earthquake has struck! And even though the average price of gas is $2.00 per gallon, that’s not been enough to ‘fuel’ a spending frenzy. Why ever not? With gas prices so low, why aren’t people shopping like mad instead of store after store announcing closings and bankruptcies? What? They can’t spin the shit out of shit and turn it into cotton candy any longer? JC Penney is closing more stores as is Macy’s, Sears and Kmart. RadioShack is closing more stores and is filing for bankruptcy protection. Good news, right?

And isn’t this nice? Homelessness in LA is much worse than previously thought. Really? Get outta here! Who would have thought? More good news?

And what’s more, we haven’t even begun to hit rock bottom yet. Not by a long shot! Another housing crisis is upon us! It seems that rents just about everywhere are skyrocketing and since many Americans are still reeling from the not too distant foreclosure crisis, renting is the only option and with an aging population and factor in low earnings, things ain’t looking so good. But that’s good news because we still get to tweet and ‘like’ each other all over Facebook, for now.

But check this out! According to Obama, “The shadow of crisis has passed,” he said, “and the State of the Union is strong.” Uh…what fairytale book was he reading out of? Delusional much Barack? Obama trumpeted job growth and other signs of recovery from the ashes of the 2008 economic crisis. Sheeeut! Job growth? JOB GROWTH? When did unprecedented numbers of retail closings and bankruptcies equate to ‘job growth and other signs of recovery’? Put that bullshit samich down! Retail is reeling from a lack of customers with discretionary income and that is reality. So that fluff that Obama is attempting to sell? It ain’t cotton candy, it’s fluffed shit! Oh, we’re doing fine. No worries folks. Folks, if I were you, I’d worry and I’m going to give you some advice. So pay attention.

Whatever bills you get, look them over carefully. Check your bank balance daily. Cut back on non-essential doodads. Buy on-sale items and only what you need. Something is going down and it’s going to get ugly. Case in point. My internet/phone bill is usually $65.00 a month. Saturday, when my bill came, it was $101.38. When I perused the hell out of the bill, the company had charged me double for Federal taxes and charged me for internet security that they weren’t providing. Here is what I did. I hung up and I called them back and I said, “speak loudly and clearly as this call is being taped for a complaint that will be filed with the Attorney General’s office. Now, tell me AGAIN, why you are charging me double for Federal taxes and for services that you are not providing!” After I hung up, my bill is now $35.00.

This morning, I called my bank to check my balance. There was a $2.00 ‘statement fee’ listed under posted transactions. When the customer service rep came on the line, I said, “speak loudly and clearly as this call is being taped for a complaint that will be filed with the Attorney General’s Office. I said, “When did you notify me that I was going to be charged a $2.00 ‘statement fee’? I must first be advised of new fees BEFORE they apply!” The $2.00 fee is being removed. However, I was told that this new fee is a monthly fee that is being charged to my account to pay for the bank to mail to me my bank statement. They are now charging me $24.00 a year for me to receive my bank statement, a statement that I hadn’t been charged for in the past. If I do all my banking online, no fee. I am not doing my banking, online. If the hackers can hack into government computers, then they damn sure as hell can hack into my shit, even with protection.

The shit is about to hit the fan and companies are attempting to rip you off more than ever in any way they can. I’ve never seen it this bad. And I have seen some bad shit! Protect yourself because this party is seriously over folks.

Oh that’s right, I promised you some bad news! A liquor store is opening up two miles down the highway from me! Oh happy day! Oh happy day! The booze will chase my blues away! Hallelujah! If you need a job, try and get hired at a liquor store. They’ll be the last to go out-of-business, believe me! That’s bad news that I can take!

The State of the Union Speech…for real!

SOTU

First of all, let me be clear, I did not look at the State of the Union speech last night, but here is my take on it.

“My fellow Americans, let me be clear. I love you all and I love America! We are at a turning point in America’s history. I have created so many unemployed people, that I have been contacted by the Guinness Book of World Records for this submission. I have closed so many retail stores, I believe I have broken another record. I have drone struck so many innocent people in foreign lands that our drone program is in no danger of ending. I have deposed so many other evil dictators, the world is a much safer place, especially in Libya and Iraq. That mess I got started over in Ukraine, uh, I mean…that Putin got started over in Ukraine is going just as planned. Venezuela is feeling our wrath and will continue to do so until they realize just who is in charge of their country. I have opened relations with Cuba for our, uh, their benefit. Oil production is at an all-time high and our shale industry is doing great. In fact, I just received a thank you letter from some folks in Texas who haven’t yet received their lay-off notices. Real bad Black folks who were caught with a dime bag of weed on them will be incarcerated for 30 years and so white folks, go ahead and take that deep sigh of relief. The prison industrial complex is in full swing and mostly privatized as that is what free market enterprise is all about. The government should not corner the market. There are enough prisoners to fill all institutions. There is no need for more schools since our poor are in prison. There is no need to pass legislation to rein in Wall Street as they are great at overseeing what they do. Those folks are the best.

We have several distinguished guests with us tonight. First up, we have Jack Black who wrote a letter to Santa begging him to let him get an education and grow up to be a successful entrepreneur. His greatest hope is that he does not find himself on the business end of an AK-47 held by New York’s finest in blue. And I am here to help him with his dreams of entrepreneurship because my Administration has approved $20.00 in funding for new business enterprises for Black inner city youth and this young man should have the ability to open as many shoeshine stands on the streets of New York City as is possible for him to realize his dream.

As you all are aware, we just celebrated Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day, and I must say, Dr. King visited me in my dreams last night and thanked me for the wonderful job that I am doing in increasing unemployment in Black communities all across America. Dr. King praised me for increasing child poverty to unprecedented levels because even Dr. King understood the premise of pulling yourselves up by your very own bootstraps. He could never tolerate slackers. Look how much marching he did. That was quite a stretch, marching from Selma to Montgomery. Dr. King realized that the rich prop the economy up and that serfs and peasants are needed and therefore, we have created a nice little niche for said serfs and peasants to slave away all day long; cleaning the toilets of the rich, handing them their lattes across the counters of Starbucks, ringing up their purchases at Nordstrom’s and of course, bowing and scraping to them as they dust and vacuum their homes.

At the start of my first term, I did what I had to do and that is why not one Wall Street thug that caused the economic collapse went to jail because those thugs are necessary to uphold the very foundation of the economic status of millions of Americans. How else could Americans lose their homes? These self-sacrificing thugs are up all night swilling champagne and trying to formulate plans to make more Americans homeless because that builds character and if I may go back to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., for a minute. Dr. King said, “Do not judge me by the color of my skin, but by the content of my character.” So, as you can see, my inspiration tonight comes from Dr. K. Wassup man? Dr. King was all for building on character. Don’t worry about your skin color. I am half Black and half white and I stand before you as president of the greatest militarized country on the planet. If we maintain our military, then we don’t need to fund food stamp programs. Seniors can take cuts in their Social Security benefits and the Disabled can join our military in the bullet making department. We even have openings at various drone sites all across the country. Even a senior citizen can put some bi-focal glasses on, cite innocent foreign targets and with the touch of a button, send them to hell. These are mean times we live in folks. We’ve created so many terrorists that we just may have to reinstitute the draft. By doing so, we will put more people to work because we have jobs available in the military for the blind, crippled and the crazy. Hell! That’s what we turn our service men and women into anyway and we need some fresh blood ‘cause the troops ain’t looking so great.

We have another distinguished guest with us tonight. This lady from Little Rock, Arkansas wrote to me about her need for housing. Joan Bloomers, where are you? Oh, there you are. Please, let her out of the cage so that she can acknowledge my acknowledgement of her. I thought I told you Joe to prepare a bath for Ms. Bloomers. The homeless shelter she is staying at has bedbugs and lice and no hot showers. Thank you for your letter Ms. Bloomers, now back inside your cage, if you will! Now, I know what some of you are thinking. John Rabid Dog McCain has twelve houses and I bet that he would not even miss one and could therefore, give one of his homes to Ms. Bloomers here. You know what? I wouldn’t even think of asking John Rabid Dog McCain to give up not even one of his homes because well, why should he? Ms. Bloomers needs the assistance of her community and since I was a community organizer, I am well aware that the community should have come together to provide some assistance for Ms. Bloomers’ housing needs. HUD is underfunded due to the needs of our military and unfortunately for Ms. Bloomers, I cannot offer her a Section 8 Housing Choice Voucher at this time. Be patient, Ms. Bloomers and patience is its own reward. Have faith in your Lord and Savior Ms. Bloomers and know that he shall deliver you out of the cold of winter and into the warmth of the Pearly Gates.

And in closing, let me say, fellow Americans, I take much pride in informing you that I intend to start a new two year community college program for all 2nd graders. This program will be funded through tax increases on the class that used to be the middle class but has now descended into the underprivileged class, but not to worry folks. After the 2nd graders take the TAS standardized entrance tests for the two year community college program, that will weed out the wheat from the chaff and only the brightest minds will be qualified. They will be the exceptional ones and as you all know, we here in America, pride ourselves on our exceptionalism. So remember, my fellow Americans, I have decreased high paying jobs, I have increased the need for food stamps. I have increased child poverty by leaps and bounds. I have committed more war crimes than I can shake a stick at and all that I have done is because of my love for America. We shall continue to reign as the most impoverished but the most militarized, warring nation on the face of this planet. Our motto is, “We came, we saw, we conquered, we blew it up and we went back and we blew it up again!” Now take that ISIS AND Vladimir Putin!

God bless America! And thanks to me, may God help the American people! Thank you!”

We Are FUCKED!

we are fucked one

My poetic pen may be drained, but that doesn’t mean that I cannot write essays on the fact that we are fucked! Yes, we are fucked! What does that mean, you ask? Good that you want to know. Well, I’ll tell you. When the banks are considered too big to fail, we are fucked. The Attorney General of these Divided Snakes Of Amurderer decided that going after the banks would be, in Eric Holder’s own words,

“I am concerned that the size of some of these institutions becomes so large that it does become difficult for us to prosecute them,” Mr. Holder told lawmakers. Prosecutors, he said, must confront the problem that “if you do prosecute, if you do bring a criminal charge, it will have a negative impact on the national economy, perhaps even the world economy. And I think that is a function of the fact that some of these institutions have become too large.”

http://news.firedoglake.com/2013/03/08/attorney-general-holder-says-banks-are-too-big-to-prosecute/

Now, ain’t that something? I thought that the reason why the American taxpayers had to bail out the ‘too big to fail’ banks was because it would stop a global economic collapse. Isn’t that what we were told? Oh and did that stop the collapse? You ain’t heard about economies collapsing all over the world? Where the fuck you been? People are still in their homes because of the bank bailout right? Bank lending is at an all time high, isn’t it? Pay Day Loan agencies are out-of-business because banks are loaning hard-up Americans, loans at reasonable rates, right? The jobless are being hired right on the spot because jobs are just so damn plentiful since the banks were bailed out, hasn’t that been the case? The economy has not only gained traction but is revving up, hot damn!, I’m right? Right? Did not all this come to pass with the bailouts? I mean that was the purpose in bailing out the banks even though the ‘banksters’ had engaged in fraud, money laundering and other dirty deeds. They were going to assure the federal government that Jane and John America would be able to stay in their homes, right? I mean, this is what happened? Uh, no! And that is a big, resounding NO!

“There was no suggestion in the statements of Bush and Paulson of any relief for the working class—nothing to stop home foreclosures or help those who have already lost their homes.”

Yep, the good old Americans who bailed out the fraudsters got FUCKED and the banksters?, oh well, remember…they are too big to fail so they got the bail. You? Not so much. So when our congressional representatives are owned by the banks that are deemed too big to fail, we are fucked.

And next up we have our ever so helpful Emperor by proxy, Despot Obadroner himself lauding the fracking industry.

“The all-of-the-above energy strategy I announced a few years ago is working, and today, America is closer to energy independence than we’ve been in decades,” Obama said during his fifth State of the Union speech on Tuesday.

“One of the reasons why is natural gas, if extracted safely, it’s the bridge fuel that can power our economy with less of the carbon pollution that causes climate change,” Obama said.


Read more: http://thehill.com/blogs/e2-wire/e2-wire/196790-natural-gas-big-winner-in-speech-to-green-groups-dismay#ixzz2tjaTe1U4

Now when the president of the United States during the SOTU announces that natural gas is going to eliminate our dependence on foreign oil, we are fucked because guess what? Fracking is what’s done to get at natural gas and what does fracking do to us?

“The rapid expansion of natural gas drilling across the nation endangers human health and the environment. Nearly all natural gas extraction today involves a technique called hydraulic fracturing, or fracking, in which dangerous chemicals are mixed with large quantities of water and sand and injected into wells at extremely high pressure. Fracking is a suspect in polluted drinking water in Arkansas, Colorado, Pennsylvania, Texas, Virginia, West Virginia and Wyoming, where residents have reported changes in water quality or quantity following fracturing operations.
http://www.nrdc.org/energy/gasdrilling/

Isn’t that great? If you like being sick and if you just love polluted water, then fracking ain’t a goddamn worry, is it? Now on the other hand, if you value your health, too bad! Kiss it goodbye. Energy is more important. Never mind that that energy comes at a high cost both to our health and to that of the planet that sustains us. No problem, man AND woman, girl, boy, child, baby! Why, we’ll just suck it up and deal with birth defects, cancer, respiratory problems and a whole list of other issues that will soon surface, just you wait. But don’t wait too long ’cause we’re running out of time, see? Or do you?

Wake the fuck up America and realize that we are FUCKED!! Now, just what the hell are YOU gonna do about it? Suck your thumb and pretend to be dumb about it? Well, you can’t! Not if you’ve read this because I’ve educated you apathetic motherfuckers. I just took your goddamn rose colored glasses off, stomped the shit out of ’em and educated you ‘misedumacated’ fuckers! Now take a goddamn look around and tell me, people of the goddamned Divided Snakes of Amurderer, how FUCKED are YOU? And better yet, just when the hell are you gonna cut the bullshit, get with the program and realize that you ain’t got a goddamn future to plan for? Fucking retirement is the last goddamn thing that should be on your complacent ass mind. Wise the fuck up and get with it. The world is going the fuck off. Now, it’s OUR turn, fucking Divided Snakes of Amurderer. Again, what the fuck are you waiting for? To get drone struck? Don’t worry, Emperor Despot Obadroner will get around to your fucking ass, that is if your polluted fracked water don’t get to your ass first. And know this, your goddamn smartphone won’t do you any goddamn good, nor will all your Facebook followers ’cause they’re fucked too, now tweet this shit, complacent motherfuckers!

Oh Dear President Obama!

state of the union

Oh dear President Obama, I cannot thank you for that speech.
I’m hungry as can be and a home is out of reach.

Oh dear President Obama, that speech is getting old.
While you lie and make shit up, I’m out here in the cold.

Oh dear President Obama, didn’t you say we’d get a break.
Benefits are cut and the poor got no fair shake.

Oh dear President Obama, you said I need to work real hard.
But those who have no job, you and congress disregard.

Oh dear President Obama, my school was closed last year.
So flipping endless burgers will be my new career.

Oh dear President Obama, have you closed Guantanamo?
And how many foreign leaders do you plan to overthrow?

Oh dear President Obama, the military’s budget wasn’t cut.
The powers of the NSA, you didn’t really gut.

Oh dear President Obama, why did Wall Street get a pass?
You looked the other way when they fucked the underclass.

Oh dear President Obama, about that war on drugs?
Turkeys all get pardons while inmates just get shrugs.

Oh dear President Obama, you should think before you speak.
We see right through your lies, so go practice your technique.

Written by,
Shelby I. Courtland
©2014 Shelby I. Courtland

…and no, I did not look at the SOTU because I refuse to listen to more lies. I read the text of the speech and of course, business as usual. Blah, blah, blah, blah.
“Work hard Americans, get an education, congress cares about you TONIGHT since we’re all here. Let me be clear, I am here to help you through these good times that we are having. The jobless rate is the lowest it’s been in years, businesses are hiring, and I am foaming at the mouth from lying, so please excuse me a minute. Joe, get me a big handkerchief, a really, really BIG handkerchief. And let’s continue to fund our military might all around the world. We’re ‘peacekeepers’ ya know!”

Well, that’s MY take!