Trump’s First SOTU

“Good evening my fellow Americans. First of all, I want to assure all Americans, true Americans, that is, that I will not include in this address to the nation, any FAKE NEWS! That is CNN’s job.”

“As we celebrate America, the greatest and most exceptional country on the planet, we understand that to make America great again means to get rid of the Statue of Liberty which I never thought belonged here in the first place. Why do we want poor people from shithole countries? We don’t want the tired and poor huddled masses here raping our young white virginal girls with their filthy Mexican hands. And that is why I propose to build that wall to keep those raping Mexicans from crossing over until I need some housekeepers at Mar-a-Lago.”

“I realize that I took a lot of hits for my ‘shithole countries’ remarks when referring to people coming from Haiti and African countries, but those people who live in those shitholes are thanking me for exposing to the world, what they already know. And of course, FAKE NEWS didn’t print that.”

“However, there is much ground to cover tonight and without further ado, I shall get the show on the road. First up, we will soon have my new immigration bill signed into law and we will ignore any injunctions because a mere judge cannot undo what the President of the United States has signed into law. I am sick and tired of being told that I must answer to a higher power when there can be no higher power than the President of this great country. My new immigration bill covers not only the basics for keeping unwanted immigrants from migrating here, but this bill will also remove those who are still dreaming of remaining here. The Dreamers have been dreaming for far too long and it is quite past time that we turned their dreams into plane rides back to where their parents came from. I am quite sure that Honduras, Guadalupe, Guatemala, Cinco de Mayo and Trinidad and Tobago would welcome their people back to Latin America. America is not the only country that grows vegetables and those people who are here illegally are needed to work the fields in their parents original country of birth.”

“Next, we have to fix our infrastructure here in America because America’s infrastructure has been neglected for far too long and that is why I have signed a new executive order giving FrackAway Corporation, the absolute rights to fracking in Oklahoma, New Mexico, Stalingrad and Kansas with the assurance that there will be no serious and sustained damage to the earth and nearby drinking water wells of local residents and these people will thank me later when the price of gas goes way, way down and remains low. We will no longer be dependent on foreign oil and I have also been assured by the FrackAway Corporation that they also specialize in windmills. I want one for Mar-a-Lago and they are going to install it. Windmills remind me of those cute little pinwheels I had when I was a child and now that I’m an adult, I need adult toys.”

“What I want to do now is to introduce to you, Sgt. Dead Man Walking, Sgt. Walking has been deployed nine times to Afghanistan and since he has been in that country so long, he has been declared an Afghan citizen and he has agreed to help with the negotiations with the Taliban on getting the opium out of Afghanistan much faster than we have been able to manage thus far. By cutting down on the paperwork, Sgt. Walking will expedite the process that normally takes 19 days into a 5 day time frame from the time the plant is stripped to the time it lands at our secret Air Force base in Area 59.”

“I do realize that FAKE NEWS has been accusing me of using Twitter too much but I have been assured by Twitter that I make far less use of their services than my predecessor George W. Bush. It is my understanding that Bush and his playmate Condasleezie Rice had secret user names and they used Twitter to make secret assignations which were of course, kept secret until I inquired into Twitter usage of past presidents. Unlike what FAKE NEWS would have you believe, I am hard at work trying to make sure that I use my time to actually get things done. I have also cut my golf games down to 26 a day, 6 days a week. It was difficult, but I want the American people to know that I will not rest until every American has what he/she needs in order to be a viable asset to this great company…I mean, country.”

“Someone just whispered into my earpiece that a rumor is going around since my wife showed up here by her lonesome. Well, let me stop the rumormongers in their tracks right now. Melania came in alone at my request. I have told her time and time again that when I am dallying with another lady friend, the lady friend is apt to get jealous if she sees us together too much and that out of respect for her, my lady friend, that is, I must insist that she attend to her First Lady duties on her own. We are both adults and she does not need to hold my hand every single day.”

“Now then, it has come to my attention that some of you are still shocked and appalled that I won the presidency; stripped right from underneath ole Hillary over there! What can I say, there are just not enough Black Supremacists to counter the White Supremacists and the Black Nationalists are just now gaining their membership while the White Nationalists have been at it since 1602. And now with ANTIFA strutting around, we’ve got ourselves a big ole case of group segregation going on. What we need is yet another uncivil war to get this mess all straightened out because a house united must be divided and I aim to do just that.”

“And finally, I know that some of you are wondering why I have not fired the entire FBI and that is because I have secretly rendered that agency, impotent. The FBI no longer has the clout it once had. These so-called ‘investigations’ into my family’s affairs will cease because the Trump name and brand is spotless. We have no skeletons in our closets and despite every attempt by the Democrats, who by the way, are still suffering from their massive defeat blaming me for their losses, we are still managing to get things done because even the republicans who did not want to work with me in the beginning have come over to my side and my way of thinking. And by all means, light Twitter up tomorrow to show your support for the new tax overhaul bill, for the immigration bill and for the fact that you love number 45!”

“To the American people, the TRUE American people, I wish you a good night and to the dREAMERS, your planes are ready for takeoff!”

“My Final State Of The Union Lies!”

 

sotu 2016

 

“My fellow Americans, I stand before you this evening as a testament to what America stands for. America stands for drone strikes, bombs, torture, war, police brutality, genocide, war crimes, depravity, income inequality, homelessness, mass incarceration, slavery, great trade agreements like the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade, NAFTA and now the TPP(Trans-Pacific Partnership) and a whole list of other endearing and enduring qualities that make this the most brutal and benevolent dictatorship on the face of this planet.”

“I have been guided by the most vile elitist shits that have ever slithered anywhere. I am a mere puppet; a most willing puppet for my masters. I knew when I promised ‘hope and change’ that I was telling the biggest lie ever told, but I told it anyway. It was all about me and mine. To hell with you and yours. You, the American people, are on your own. What is to come will put the Hunger Games to shame. When I sign the TPP Agreement, it will open up a whole new can of worms that Americans will just have to swallow. This new agreement is of course, NAFTA on steroids and why should I concern myself with holding corporations accountable for anything? Corporations are going to foot the bill for the lavish lifestyle that I intend to keep on living even as I exit the White House. As accustomed as I have become to having my every wish granted and those of my family, how in the hell can I accept anything less. I will not! Count on it! I have feathered my nest and feathered it well and at the expense of the American people. You have been sold down the river Styx by me and by the rest of the worthless shits in congress.”

“If you had any idea of what is to come, you’d all kill yourselves; each and every one of you. The shit that is about to come down the pike is that horrible. But fear not! For the next president will continue the same agenda as  I have. The TPP is a done deal and there is nothing that any of you can do to stop it. That is one reason why I have placed before you, an empty chair. This chair is to serve as a reminder of just how violent you people are. How dare you accuse me of violence when I am only keeping America safe from the terrorists that we trained. I am only doing my part to get a handle on ‘death by gun violence’. Americans are enraged and that is a fact. Just take a look at all of the mass shootings that have occurred in the last few decades. Gun violence is off the charts. Now I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that police murders of real bad Black people is a bad thing. No, it is not. I am Black and therefore, take it from me, Black folks are some bad motherfuckers. I was a junior senator from Chicago and we all know that Chicago is a warzone and those Black folks are just shooting indiscriminately and in a confused and chaotic way. Those people need to be put down and eventually I am going to have to call out the National Guard to put them down since the Black folks in Chicago are calling for the resignation of my former chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel. Rahm has a tough job that no one else wants. If he is not allowed to continue on as mayor, then I don’t know what will become of Chicago. Those thugs need some ‘tough love’ and who better to deliver it to them then Rahm Emanuel. Rahm, stay the course!”

“I know that I briefly touched on the TPP(Trans-Pacific Partnership) but I shall take this time to expound on it even further. You see, there is a lot of misinformation out there and I am going to put that to rest right now by telling the truth regarding this wonderful new trade agreement that will be completely beneficial to the American people and take it from me, there is not one detail that was overlooked in making sure that the American people will not suffer with the implementation of the TPP. The real deal about the TPP is this. The TPP is a revolutionary new concept that will foster partnerships around the globe that will increase American exports by leaps and bounds. It will in effect, level the playing field so that American small businesses will be able to do business on a global scale. They will no longer be hindered by tariffs and other taxes that were designed to make it less desirable for them to attempt to do business other than locally. American businesses will have so many more options open to them. This trade agreement partners with eleven other countries; thereby opening up a new customer base for American businesses to sell their merchandise to. American companies will now be able to do a more lucrative business since they will be able to sell their merchandise directly to Australia, Japan, Canada, Malaysia, Peru, Vietnam, Chile, Brunei, Singapore, Mexico and New Zealand. Now, I ask you, how is this a bad thing? It is not. The problem with many opponents of this agreement is their inability to accept change. Change is a fundamental concept of doing business. We cannot allow ourselves to stagnate and become a victim of isolationism.”

“America was built on trade agreements. There would be no America if not for trade agreements. Where would we be if not for the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade Agreement; an agreement between African kings and Europeans whereas the Europeans traded their knowledge of Christianity to the African kings in exchange for a ‘show of hands’ in deciding who wanted to immigrate to America to ‘slave away’ to build up America? I am well aware of the benefits of trade agreements because my dear wife, Michelle Obama would not be my wife if it were not for the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade Agreement. Thank you Massa, sir! I have the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade Agreement to thank for my two lovely daughters, Sasha and Malia. All’s well that ends well, as I always say.”

“I realize that I have been accused of attempting to ‘fast track’ this agreement so as to deny congress even a glimpse of the details. The conspiracy theorists are at it again. I want to assure the American people that I am fed up with conspiracy theorists. They do nothing but foster disbelief in my sincerity and by demanding that something be done about my lack of transparency in so far as the TPP is concerned and this in turn, undermines my ability to see to it that more Americans enjoy the American dream of business ownership. And believe me, it is a dream!”

“It is my understanding that there are other false rumors floating around out there that the TPP will actually kill more dolphins because dolphins travel with tuna, however, America has long stood with the dolphins even to the point of enacting a law called the ‘Dolphin Safe Label’ which is designed to minimize dolphin fatalities during fishing for tuna for canning. If people are so worried that the TPP will ignore these laws and policies then I have just one suggestion, “Stop eating tuna! That would solve that tiny little problem and it really is that simple.”

“Now then, a little bird told me the other day that many are concerned that corporations will be able to sue America. Hogwash! Just because TransCanada is suing the U.S. over that Keystone XL pipeline issue,  is no reason to think that other corporations all across the globe will follow suit. And even though, some think that the U.S. will lose that $15 billion lawsuit, I have the word of every corporate executive from ALL corporations in all twelve countries involved in this TPP Agreement that they promise NOT to bring suit against the U.S. for any reason; now and forever more. I believe them just as I still believe in the innocence of every Wall Street banker that caused the economic collapse of 2008 and my belief in them as well as former Department of Justice head, Eric Holder’s belief in them resulted in not one of those criminals viewing life from behind prison walls. Banks are capable of regulating themselves and they are doing a fine job. I trust them to continue. That is what America is all about, trust. If you can’t trust corporate executives, who can you trust?”

“Never let it be said that I neglected to address all of the issues that the conspiracy theorists are going on and on about regarding the Trans-Pacific Partnership Agreement. Folks are even claiming that the food Americans eat will somehow lack oversight due to lax safety measures. Relax, your food will continue to meet high standards and will be inspected by the USDA and the FDA and by a brand new agency that I will announce at my upcoming ‘town hall meeting’ that will be held in Oregon at the Wildlife Refuge that has been taken over by American patriots who are merely standing up for the right to commit arson to cover up other crimes and attempt to get away with it. There is nothing wrong with a bit of patriotism especially if you are the ‘white’ color!”

“Where was I? Oh yes, more good news. The ‘made in America’ label is destined for a comeback thanks to the TPP since Japan has just signed on to purchase all of Japan’s flags from the U.S. Every single Japanese flag will have a ‘made in America’ label. I can just hear the sounds of construction work on new flag making businesses as I speak. Not to be left out, Mexico has requested that all of its drugs be labeled ‘destined for America’. Now, who can compete with that? Americans have been begging for inexpensive drugs and now we are finally able to advise you that you will get your wish.”

“Some Americans are concerned about their jobs. Your job at McDonalds is safe. If you work for a temp agency, nothing will change. You will continue to report to wherever the temp agency employs you, temporarily, and we will continue to count you, statistically speaking, as a full-time employee when adjusting the unemployment figures. Your hard work is recognized and never you doubt it. For those of you who are currently labeled as ‘lay-abouts, otherwise known as ‘the unemployed’, you will soon find that there will be work aplenty at making flags for Japan. Hone up on your sewing skills. Get ready for a deluge of orders.”

“This should clear up all concerns the American people have over the Trans-Pacific Partnership Agreement and with that being said, I would now like to address AGAIN, the reason for the empty chair that I invited to my final SOTU address. This chair is extremely important due to the fact that it stands for every ‘white’ person that is not here that I would have invited if they had not been shot dead by the guns they worship. This empty chair is representative of all the ‘white’ folks that have perished thanks to lax gun control laws. It is time that we take a stand. The time is now and I take a stand today. I have already, by  means of executive orders, attempted with my pen to enact even more strict guidelines for gun purchases. Real bad Black folks need to understand that they should just stop murdering ‘white’ folks! So by my implementing these new strict measures, real bad Black folks that show up at gun shows by the thousands will have a hard time purchasing an arsenal of weapons that they use to shoot up little ‘white’ kids like they did at Sandy Hook Elementary School. They will not have the ability to shoot up movie theatres and college campuses and their own churches in the south. I have no idea why slavery was ever abolished because it is crystal clear that these real bad Black folks that are hell bent on killing ‘white’ folks need some guidance, a whip and some shackles. I am attempting to address this problem by mass incarceration. Soon, the figures will be revealed that we have ‘abducted’ and imprisoned even more real bad Black folks than has already been reported. The numbers lie. There are millions more unaccounted for.”

“I have instructed the slave patrols via the Department of Justice to see to it that Black folks are kept in their place and the only place they have in our society is behind bars; for their own good of course; other than that, dead is good! This TPP Agreement will not affect them because the Blacks that we lock up will continue to provide America with their contributions of free labor.”

“In closing, I would like to add that it has been my greatest pleasure to have been elected as the first Black President of the United States. I promised ‘hope and change’ and I do believe that I have delivered on my promise. There is no ‘hope’ for America and Americans will not be able survive the ‘change’ that is about to come. My Administration, as I promised, has been the most transparent in the history of this great nation. I have been transparent about the fact that I love drones, war, torture, lies, hypocrisy, brutality, corruption, barbarity and censorship. Thanks to my leadership, America started and is in the middle of every fracas from here to South America, the Middle East, Ukraine and the South China Sea. It is our business to mind the business of every country and nation on this planet and we shall not fail in bringing democracy to each and every one of them for humanitarian purposes, of course. America reigns as the supreme Superpower and she will continue the course of wars, occupation and hegemony. Finally, the question has been presented to me as to whom I will back as the next president. That is an easy question to answer. Why, Ted Cruz, of course, for the simple reason being that neither he nor I were born in America!”

“May God help the American people! Thank you and goodnight!”