The Reverend Is Back From The Spa! “Hallelujah!!!”

Reverend Give Me All You Got's Palace of Worship

“Good afternoon everyone! I find it hard to believe that a month has gone by. I must say that the time that I spend at the spa has a most rejuvenating effect. Most relaxing, calming and it just lulls me into a great mood to get me ready to preach the good word. Word up!”

“Now then, we have a lot to cover this fine Sunday afternoon and I shall get on with it in just a moment. But first, I would like to hear from my flock today. Are there any concerns that you may be having? You can tell me anything. That is what you pay me for. Hands please!”

“Yes, Sister Senior?”

“Reverend, I would like to say that I am so glad that the government ended the shutdown and raised the debt ceiling because I was wondering just how I was going to pay my tithes today if they had not ended their partisan bickering and decided to do the right thing.”

“Thank you Sister Senior for that most heartfelt concern and it is very ‘concerning’ to me also. I was unaware of a government shutdown since I was at the spa and told everyone that I was not to be disturbed unless a fire broke out. Now, you say that the government shutdown?”

“Yes, Reverend ‘Give Me All You Got’ Courtland, the government shut down for 16 days and it pains me to be the first to inform you. I hope that it does not interfere with the calming effect that your stay at the spa had on you.”

“Hold up just a minute, Sister Senior, I have got to place a call!”

“Obama!!!!” “What the hell is YOUR problem? Don’t you know that I have a flock of heathens who need to hear the good word as preached by me? I don’t have time for your games and your shit, do you hear me? The next time I come to Washington, the House and the Senate had best be in good working order or I will instruct the devil’s own minions to take his own!!!” “How the hell am I suppose to fleece this here flock if they fail to receive the money that they have paid into Social Security their entire working lives? If you think for one damn minute that I am going to sit idly by and watch while you steal from me, I mean, from my flock, you’ve got another think coming. The hell with you and your right leaning, anti-help the people, looking out only for your bullshit propagandist stance. I am the only one who can assume THAT stance and I’ll put up with no usurpers. Do you fucking hear me, you godless bastard!!!!????” What’s that? Guantanamo is still open? What the hell? You threatening ME??!!!! You fucking threatening me???!!! Look here!!! Just because your thugged out wife has become too hoity-toity since graduating from Harvard to give you a piece of her damn mind, don’t think that I won’t. I preach the good word every damn month and I have no problem filling your big ears with some much needed sermonizing. Now, listen and listen good, my flock are MINE to fleece, you got that? I don’t give a hot damn what you do with your own money, but if Sister Senior here cannot pay her tithes because of some bullshit about you withholding her funds, we got problems and I can tell you right now, you little shit, fuck with Sister Senior’s check again and I will show you that hell hath NO fury! Oh, it is a well known fact that you know that you are a hell bound hound, but just because you already know that hell has your cell ready, that ain’t all you got to worry about because I am all in the know. The deepest pit of hell would be too good for the likes of you. Don’t mess with my flock’s tithes and don’t mess with me! The hell if I’m scared of your ‘Guantanamo is still open’ threat! Kiss my holy ass, you lying, depraved twit!!”

CLICK!!!

“Now then, Sister Senior, if you have any more problems with hearing about how the government is going to confiscate your tax dollars, I would suggest that you and the other seniors who are members of this palace of worship, band together and take a damn stand. I cannot be everywhere at once. If I am at the spa, I am in no position to know what is going on outside those doors because when I am getting my massage, Edward Soothinghands just takes me to paradise. Hallelujah!”

“Is there anyone else who would like to apprise me of a situation that they think is so beyond the pale as to be untenable? Hands, please?” Yes? Is that you Brother Pimp?”

“Yes, Reverend, your honor. As you know, I’m a business man and you can appreciate how hard It would be to remain in business if my clients don’t have any money to pay for uh…certain services? I would like to state that many of my clients are Federal workers and because of the government shutdown, they were furloughed and many contracts were rendered null and void. Something has just got to be done. Thank you for your time.”

“Brother Pimp, now you know what the ‘buybull’ says in regards to your ‘business’ and though I must uphold what is in the ‘buybull’, I do however, understand that when it comes to paying the bills, somebody’s got to do it. Now, you just heard my conversation with Puppet Obama. Is there anyone else who was behind the shenanigans of shutting down the government that I should know about?”

“Yes, Reverend. Speaker of the House John ‘can’t get a boner’ was part of the problem. And since he is always drunk and can’t get it up anyway, he is not a client and has no wish to see anyone else get their freak on.”

“Brother Pimp, you mean to tell me that that pissy, crying ass Speaker of the House was helping to hold hostage you and Sister Senior’s ability to pay your damn bills?”

“Yes, Reverend, your honor!”

“Congregation, hold on just a minute. I got to place another phone call. Operator!! Get me Speaker of the House Weeping Eyes ‘can’t get a boner’ on the phone. Hey WeepSop, what the hell is wrong with you now? I realize that you’re a fucking drunk and a limp cock son of a bitch, but that is still NO excuse for playing games with my flock’s money. Get your pitiful act together and learn how to piss straight and piss their money right into their damn empty ass pockets. Did you fucking hear me??!!! What? A drone strike? What the hell do I care about a drone strike? I didn’t even think you spoke to Obama, much less ordered him to drone strike! Just who the hell do you think you are? Let me tell you one thing! Don’t mess with me! And don’t mess with my heathen flock! They need their money to pay ME! Did you fucking get that through that besotted, liquidized, Scotch soaked brain of yours? Come up out of that damn gaseous cloud of noxious alcohol fumes and get your fucking act together, you lazy asswipe!!”

Click!

“How in the hell am I supposed to get on with the sermon when I had no idea that my money, I mean, my tithes, uh..this palace’s tithes were being held for ransom by those who are supposed to make sure that this ship sits securely in her berth? I am afraid to ask, but is there anyone else who thinks that there is something that I need to be made aware of? Yes, Sister WorkTooHard?”

“Reverend, my little boy was kicked out of Head Start and…”

“Hold up, wait a minute!!! Do you mean little TearHellUp? Of course, HE was kicked out of Head Start, hell! I’m surprised that they put up with him for a whole day. He’s even now giving Brother Mafio and Brother Thlug a run for their money. Thanks to him, I am going to have to spend more money on bouncers up in here! For the love of…..!”

“No, Reverend, it’s not that. You see, the government when they shut down, they ceased funding to the Head Start program and also my WIC checks were held hostage and so I could barely feed little SoHungry here!” “Sob!”

“There, there now, we’ll figure something out. Sister Burnathat, get up and help Sister WorkTooHard with some tissues! Not with my box, you fool,  that box of tissues that feel like brillo pads rubbing your damn nose! Sister WorkTooHard, just what did YOU do about the fact that you failed to receive your WIC checks?”

“Nothing, Reverend, I was waiting on you to solve the crisis for me.”

“Waiting on me??!!! Didn’t you hear my sermon four months ago on apathy and complacency? Where were you when I was speaking of the need for all of us to come up out of this fog of materialism and to stop wallowing in self-fulfillment to the detriment of all else and all others? Why did you not take heed when I spoke of giving up material things and of helping one another? Did you not hear my sermon five months ago regarding, ‘Am I My Brother’s Keeper?’ Did not Cain get banned for killing Abel, claiming that he was not his brother’s keeper? Ye know not the scripture! Ye heed not the teachings, nor display the sense the Almighty gave to a goat! You look to me? Are you serious? Get some back bone and stand up for yourself! If you continue to lie down and take an ass whooping, are you not then going to continue to get one? I rest my fucking case!”

All right, now who else was behind this government shut down shit?”

“Uh…Reverend?”

“Yes, Deacon LukeDamFine, what is it?”

“Reverend, Senator Ted Cruz from Texas was, pardon my French, but he was hell bent on attempting to try and see to it that the government went into default and has vowed to not lose in the next government debt ceiling showdown which should take place in about three more months. We basically just got a three month reprieve. I just thought that you should know.”

“Well, well, well. Ted Cruz, eh? That teafuck was also responsible for this shit storm that was a direct result of this government shutdown bullshit? Hmmmmm! Operator!! Get me Teafuck Cruz on the phone! Now! Teafuck, I heard about your big display of arrogance, and while I was waiting on the phone, I was able to pull up a great deal about you and your actions that added to the injustices suffered by my flock because of your grandstanding and your tedious 21-plus hour quasi filibuster on the Senate floor. Even I don’t talk that damn long and I am from the South. Yes, I understand that in Texas, y’all do everything big, but for fuck’s sake, you have gone too damn far this time! You forget that I have some tapes on you! Remember those? You start some more shutdown shit in three months and I promise you that I will make them public property. I’ll hand your ass to you on a silver platter, literally. I got the goods on you, you little Teafuck prick!!!! Start some more shit and then read the damn news. Of course, you know firsthand what’s what. Again, start some more shit and your sins are gonna sit your ass back down! Hallelujah!!! 21-plus hours, indeed!”

“Now, then! On with today’s sermon. Flock, I know that I come across as crass and callous and all about money and yes, that is me. But I also care. I care when your tithes are held hostage by some crass, callous asshole who cares only about money. That is why I have hidden cameras in places only myself and one other person knows about and that is why I can pick up the phone and Obama and crew will answer because they know that I’ve got the ‘goods’ on them, so to speak. Because, trust me, what I’ve got on them is anything but ‘good’! I am going to break away from my former policy of not being ‘contactable’ while at the spa, but don’t think that you can take advantage of this new opportunity to reach me because if I find the reasons are foolish, again, hell hath no fury!! Do you understand me? Alrighty then!”

“Let me take this opportunity to state that for those of you who believe in the goodness of humanity, take those damn rose colored glasses off and take a good damn look around. Everyone is out for themselves, myself included. Now, my being a Reverend would make you think or believe in my inherent goodness, think again. I am a self-satisfying, self-centered, self-indulging hypocrite. But the difference between me and those whom I placed a call to is that they believe themselves to not be hypocritical. They do not hold themselves to the same high standards that I hold myself to. You see, I don’t lie to you. I know that my shit stinks and I am not afraid to admit to it. The Obamas and No Boners and TeaFuck Cruzs of the world will tell you that they don’t even shit, much less smell it. Wrong! They shit the most and it has the stench of sulfur. They are the evil oppressors of the world but they will tell you that what they are doing is for your own good. Don’t believe them. It’s hype and it is smoke and mirrors. They are worse than I am. They are worse than the devil in hell. Make no mistake, they do not have your best interest at heart. They only have the interests of their masters at heart, those who pull their strings. They are mere puppets who are controlled. Never think for a minute that what Obama tells you is an epiphany from him. It is not. He has been bought and paid for, the same as all the rest who would dare try and sell you a bad bill of goods that you’ve already paid for, twice. Remember, the Wall Street thugs were never prosecuted and now you know why. Because those who are in Washington are in bed with those who are Wall Street. At least I am an honest pickpocket, them, not so much!”

“And that concludes the monthly sermon of the ‘Church of the Holy Rollers’ Oktoberfest special edition. Amen!” “And don’t forget to hand me all 36 collection plates ushers! Ushers, did you hear me? Hot damn! Ass kicking is about to commence regardless of whether I want it to or not. Let me take my high heels off and…….!!!!!!”

The Church of the ‘Holy Rollers’:Sunday Sermon

Reverend Give Me All You Got's Palace of Worship

“First of all, I would like to welcome everyone this fine Sunday morning and to thank you for ‘coming out’. Wait a minute, hold up! Gay people, I was not talking to you! We don’t want YOUR kind ‘coming out’ ‘going in’ or anything else! Here at the Church of the Holy Rollers, we don’t put up with that kind of nonsense about how you are ‘born gay’. You’re not born gay, you’re just an abomination and now you are all up in our face with your ‘gayness’! Well…we won’t stand for it! Hell no! Hallelujah! Can I get an ‘AMEN’? Thank you my brothers and sisters, that’s telling them. Now then, to continue with the sermon. Recently, there has been some talk that some of you are not adhering to the ten commandments and I am going to set the record straight TODAY on just what the ten commandments are and what they mean and how you should act on them accordingly. Now, sit up and take notice. But first, ushers, pass the collection plate around for the 25th time and we should have enough to fund my new Hennessey Venom GT. And don’t even start questioning why I need a vehicle that costs over a million dollars because you know that I visit the sick, the shut-in and the needy and by driving this baby, travelling at 287mph, that would cut down on my travel time since there are so many people desperately in need of my preaching the word. Word up!! Now, back the to sermon.”

“As I was saying, the ten commandments are to be adhered to. Hold on. Ushers, I said, USHERS! Where is the collection plate for my new building fund? No not that one. The one for that new beachfront property that I had my eye on last week. Yeah, that one! Don’t even start questioning me about why I need beachfront property. Everyone in here knows how hard I work, I mean preach in this here holy sanctuary. We have Sunday service once a month and you know what a toll it takes on my strength and my endurance to stand here and preach the word to a flock of heathens who, without my guidance, will never see the inside of the ‘Pearly Gates’. Now then, where was I? Oh right…the ten commandments. Now, heathens, as you are all aware, we have been having some shenanigans going on in the basement of this here palace of worship! Don’t even think about denying it because I saw you on the secret camera that I had installed to make sure that the trustees aren’t stealing from the collection plate. Now, I don’t hold with no fornicating on church property. You all know my philosophy on that, I mean, what the Bible says on that. Amen! There is a facility located behind this palace for fornicators and it’s got a red door with a red light over the door and it says, ‘Red Light District!’ Now, then where was I? Oh right! Now the ten commandments…wait a minute, who is disrupting my Sunday sermon with that caterwauling? The Holy Ghost? Have you paid your tithes? No? Then get the hell out of here! We don’t sanction no deadbeats up in this here holy worshipping palace! We’ll tolerate no slackers in here!”

“Where was I? Oh yes, the ten commandments are about…. What? You forgot to collect for my Armani clothing fund? All right! Listen up! This here palace of worship’s sermon is being held up because of you fumbling degenerates who can’t even read the list of my needs and send the collection plate around accordingly. We are going to clear this up once and for all! Now take note! Secretary of the church? Damn! Where the hell are you? Leave Deacon Bradley’s ass alone will you? After you make a list of my needs, you and Deacon Bradley can go to the ‘Red Light District’.  However I must warn you that Deacon Bradley’s wife was seen entering the ‘Red Light District’ with Deacon Johnson and we all know Deacon Johnsons, nickname, ‘Long Dong Silver’, but I don’t think they’re coming out anytime soon so, after you take this list down, the two of you can go on over. Don’t forget to pay the entrance fee of $500.00. It’s for the upkeep, you know. We can’t have our fornicating exposed to the world now, can we? We are fine, upstanding church folk. Don’t forget to stop at our wine shop located next door to the ‘Red Light District’ as you’ll want to ‘wet your whistle’ while getting it up, I mean, getting it on!” Hallelujah!!! Now, take note! The collection plate is to be sent around ten MORE times because the Reverend, that’s me of course. Reverend ‘Give Me All You Got’ Courtland has some needs because preaching ain’t free!”

“Number 1. Building Fund. No, not for this here palace, for MY palace, you fool!”

“Number 2. Vehicle Fund. No, no, no, not the church bus fund, my private vehicle collection fund!”

“Number 3. Vacation Fund. Damn it to hell! No, not for a ‘Vacation Bible School fund’, MY vacation fund! Now you see why I need vacations all the damn time!”

“Number 4. Robes Fund. Choir robes? The hell you say! My robes! Did you hear me, MY ROBES!!!”

“Number 5. Clothing Fund. “What?” Hell no! We ain’t running no charity here! This here Clothing Fund is for my expensive, I mean needed apparel to wear to church underneath this here robe! You got that? All righty then!”

“Number 6. Food Fund: Feed the hungry? Feed the hungry? Who the hell is up in here hungry? Didn’t we just have ‘communion’ last month? Didn’t you drink grape juice, I mean ‘wine’ and eat that crust that Usher Fucked me so hard, I mean…Usher Fucmehard handed out?! That’s enough feeding the hungry!!! We are sitting all up in the richest country on the planet so don’t give me that bullshit about ‘what about the hungry’? We got no hungry folk here in America. I have not seen one hungry person on my way here this morning. If I did, I would have had the chauffeur stop my limo and hand them my gold-plated card. Wait, strike that! I would have given them the ‘other’ card and told them to walk on over, we’d feed them that leftover burnt crust that Sister Burnathat made when she was trying to bake bread for the communion. This fund is for MY groceries! Hallelujah!!!”

“Number 7.Credit Card Fund. Why do I need a credit card? Are you questioning me? The ‘Reverend’? Do you want me to come down off this pulpit and kick your ass? You know that I need credit cards to make my hotel reservations when I’m doing community outreach in the Virgin Islands and staying at the Ritz-Carlton ain’t cheap ya know!!! Not to mention that I’ve actually got to put myself out by flying first-class over there and that ain’t cheap! And don’t forget, I need a chauffer driven limo in order to get around. Not cheap!! The meals, come on  now, you know the score!”

“Number 8. Champagne Fund. What? For communion? Are you out of your damn mind? You got grape juice, I mean ‘wine’ last month. Didn’t I give a sermon last month on greed and how it destroys the soul? Didn’t you hear me? What’s that? In the basement? What was you doing in the basement? Never mind! Hold on a minute everyone, I got to rewind this here tape. I can’t believe that I missed something. Oh hell naw!!! What the hell were you doing humping my man? Damn it to hell! It’s on!!!!!”

“Let me catch my breath! Now congregation, you can see that it ain’t easy being the Reverend of this here palace of worship church, when you got to get here, preach, kick ass and take names!!”

“Number 9. Hair Salon and Spa Fund. I don’t even want to hear it! Y’all know why!!! Do you really expect me to do my own hair and nails and keep this perfectly tanned body of mine without blemish all by myself? Don’t I need to be in tiptop condition to get through a rigorous sermon? Didn’t you just see me chip a nail by giving Sister Slut, I mean, Sister Schlut a beatdown? How in the hell can you begrudge me a month at the Spa when the only way, I said, the ONLY way… that you have a snowball’s chance in hell of not going to hell is by my showing up here and YOU listening to me deliver the ‘good’ word to you? You don’t want to get through the pearly gates? What are you sitting up in here for? By listening to the word, you get a guaranteed spot in the heavenly paradise that awaits you on the other side of this here earthly realm that we’ve all got to leave at some point. I’m here to get you across! Now listen up! There will be NO further outbursts in here! Brother Mafio and Brother Thlug are just itching to do some knuckle dusting. Now try me!”

“No. 10: Reverend Give Me All You Got’s Salary Fund. This here is THE most important fund of all because as you know, my time is valuable. I had to go through an entire one day class to become ordained to preach all up in this palace of worship and how many of you can say that you are better educated than I am? Hands please? What? The hell you say! How the hell is all six hundred of you smarter than me? Say what? A degree? It’s hot as hell outside! The degree is up there in the triple digits. This is exactly the ignorance that I spoke about two months ago. Don’t come up in here, knowing you ignorant and then try and tell me that you got a degree when we all know that a degree is related to the temperature. And I had to tell you just how hot it is outside. See? This is why you’re going to hell! Trying to act like you educated and you don’t even know about temperature! How do you expect the heavenly ‘father’ to put up with you In all of your ignorance? Child, come here! I got to lay hands on you!!! Now, repeat after me, ‘I am an ignorant sinner, not fit to kneel in front of the good Reverend here and I beg forgiveness for displaying  my ignorance for the entire congregation to witness. I am now going to put more money into the Reverend’s Salary Fund because the Reverend knows best!’ Was that hard? Now go sit the hell down!”

“Those are the ten commandments that the congregation is to adhere to. The Reverend is THE most important member of ANY church, especially this here palace of worship that I’ve, I mean… we’ve built here. The saving of souls has been my duty and my obligation for many years and I do not take my duties and obligations and responsibilities lightly. Why do you think that we have such an upstanding record in our community? It is because of me! Our sins! Strike that, YOUR sins are kept secret thanks to me AND all of your many vices remain hidden on my tapes. I have only had to resort to blackmail twelve times. Now then, let us pray before we depart these holy and sanctified walls of this palace.”

“Thank you for bringing the heathens to me so that I can show them the light, the truth and the word. The word is power and the word is money and through power and money, will they be led to the light. We need a lot of both to keep the sheep, I mean, the flock in line. Strike that! The congregation that is, need to understand that the only way to get through the ‘Pearly Gates’ is through handing me money. Strike that! The way to get through the ‘Pearly Gates’ is in doing the good deeds of seeing to the Reverend’s needs and funding accordingly. We fight an uphill battle, but the saving of souls is our business…uh is our goal, not to mention raising more money for the Reverend’s Vacation Fund and that IS the truth! Amen!”

“Now, get out!” “No, not you, Deacon Look Damn Fine!” “Uh…I mean Deacon Lukedamfine!”

“Wait a damn minute!” Who the hell struck ‘good’ out in front of my name? I got some tapes to rewind and then some more ass-kicking is about to commence!”

“Now THAT concludes this sermon for Sunday, September 22nd! Now get the hell out!”