“Good evening congregation!” “Can I get an AMEN?”
“AMEN, Reverend!”
“I’ve had a busy month and I must say that I am all DONE IN!” “It would be remiss of me if I did not explain what has kept me from my obligations to this here congregation.”
“Yes, Sister TalkTooMuch, what is it?”
“Reverend, with all do respect, I know what you have been doing because I saw you stomp the hell out of a young lady who was in your way at Macy’s. I never saw such ‘unchristian like’ behavior in my life and coming from a REVEREND, no less!” “I was appalled and rightly so!”
“Excuse me Sister TalkTooMuch, but you were obviously mistaken and now I will accept your apology for lying and speaking out of turn!”
“Reverend, YOU are the liar!”
“Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness! I got to sit down!”
“You were not sitting down in Macy’s. You was yanking that woman’s hair piece off her head and screaming at her. I heard you say, “get thee behind me before I kick your ass, this TV is mine!”
“How dare you stand there and accuse me of behavior unbecoming a Reverend. The good book says, “
No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.”
“I have never been accused of serving both, nor can I be! When have I ever called on the ‘lord’ to give me donations?” “When have I ever acted in a hypocritical manner?”
“Reverend, you need to step down as head of this holy sanctuary because there is not a damn thing ‘holy’ about you! I would not be surprised if you did not burst into flames as you are in league with the devil! You, you…witch!!”
“What the hell?” “Sister WrappedTooTight, get that straight jacket out of the closet and put it around Sister TalkTooMuch! We don’t want her to hurt herself!”
“Oh, no Reverend, you’re not pulling any of your tricks with me! You’re not shutting me up! This congregation should know just what kind of hypocrite you are! I’ve got proof! Now, you sit YOUR ass down!”
“What the…..?”
“Oh, I’ll show you what! You’re not the only one who can videotape the sins and shenanigans of others and blackmail them with it. I have stood by long enough and watched you turn this sanctuary into a three-ring circus. But NO MORE!”
“Brother Thlug, fill my cup ’til it overflows with my special bottle! Thank you kindly!”
“Reverend, don’t get ALL polite now that you know what’s coming!”
“Sigh….! Get on with it, Sister TalkTooMuch! Get on with it!”
“Congregation, I want you all to take a look at this video. See, that..? Right there! That’s Reverend Courtland yanking the woman’s head back!! And right there, that’s the Reverend smacking the shit out of that old woman who got in her way! She is heartless! Look at her running through the doors of Macy’s! See where she trampled that little boy and didn’t even glance back!”
“Sister TalkTooMuch, sit down, you’re making a fool of yourself. Nobody believes that that is me.” *sip* *sip* *guzzle* *guzzle* *belch*
“Congregation, have you known ANYONE else to wear 18″ black stiletto heels with a black bra and a black bolero with a skin tight black leather mini skirt with black seamed hose? Who else could it be but our not so ‘good’ Reverend here?”
“‘SisterKnowItAll’ aka Sister TalkTooMuch, as you have obviously forgotten, some people are still celebrating Halloween and many people, since I am SO popular and all, just love dressing up to show their ‘love’ for ALL things Reverend ‘Give Me All You Got’ Courtland! Now, I cannot help it if I am so beloved that people want to mimic my dress and my style. I am willing to forget this little outburst if you’ll sit the hell down and shut the hell up! You are trying my patience! Hallelujah!”
“You’re not getting off that easy, you Scarlet Woman! You Jezebel! Man stealing tramp, you harlot!”
“Brother Thlug, help Sister WrappedTooTight, wrap ‘SisterKnowItAll’ up and cart her ass out of here!”
“Yes Reverend, but do you mind if I ask a question of the congregation?”
“Not at all, Brother Thlug. Be my guest!”
“Congregation, as you all know, I am also a bodyguard to Reverend ‘Give Me All You Got’ Courtland and I would of course, know if the good Reverend here had indeed been to Macy’s. Now, as honest as Reverend Courtland is about her role in this church, do you honestly think that our beloved Reverend would sink that low as to behave in the way that is depicted on that tape you just saw?”
“Yes, Brother Pimp?”
“I just wanted to know if I could ask SisterTalkTooMuch for the telephone number of the ‘Jezebel’ she captured in ‘living color’. She’d get my business BOOOOOMING! Hot damn! That was a fine figure of a woman!! I’m getting all hot and bothered myself! Damn! What did you do that for Sister Burnathat?”
“Brother Pimp, the Reverend has instructed me on several occasions to try and put OUT fires before I start them and you seem to me to be heating up and so I threw a bucket of cold water on you. Did it help?”
“Uh…yeah..it did! Sorta like taking a cold shower! Damn!”
“Brother Pimp, we don’t have time for that, you’ll have to find your ‘business assets’ some other way. I want to see a show of hands from all who believe that that was our Reverend behaving in an ‘unchristian’ way and possibly dragging the good name of this church down in the process? Hands?”
“Not one?” “Reverend, we got your back!”
“Thank you! Thank you, one and almost all! Now I just want to start the sermon off with something that is close to my heart! I believe! I said, I believe!”
“Oh praise be, the Reverend’s got the Holy Ghost in her!”
“Shut up Sister TooHoly”! I’m not speaking of the ‘holy ghost’! I am speaking of a gold locket that has a special meaning for me because it was given to me by a homeless man. He was the dearest man. Well..actually, not quite given to me as much as it was a part of the divorce settlement. And of course, he is homeless because I took him for everything he had. But that’s neither here nor there. The reason why this locket means so much to me is because it is worth over a million dollars and that is what I want to speak on this evening. Tis a sin to crave the material things of this world. Let me repeat that! Tis a sin to crave the material things of this world! Can I get an AMEN?”
“AMEN!”
“Now, if the homeless man had not craved his house and other worldly possessions, I would have had my lawyers be more lenient on him and at least leave him with the clothes on his back, but no! He hid assets and claimed to owe back taxes just to drag things out! Now, what does the ‘good’ book say about the rich. I’ll tell you what the good book says about the rich.”
“Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.”
“This is why the man is homeless. He was not a cheerful giver. That is frowned upon by the ‘man’ upstairs. He does not like an ungrateful giver. You should be ‘grateful’ to be in a position to give. In order to be cheerful, you must give. By giving, will you ‘free’ yourself from the yoke of all things, material. Now there are some who will not part with their worldly goods. They are to be pitied! They are to have our sympathy. They have not yet seen the light! We must pray for the saving of their soul from the yoke of a burden too heavy to bear! Give from your heart and when you do, you will touch the heart of another with your gift, much like my ex-husband is still touching my heart with his ‘gift’!”
“With the holidays upon us, I want to send you on your way with a little saying that has consoled me on many a long, fun-filled and eventful cruise. “Cheerfully give from your heart, never hold back because darkness destroys the soul and good cheer envelopes everyone on the receiving end of your cheerful giving. As you head out the door, the collection plates are on either side of the door. Now ‘cheerfully’ fill them up! And I will sing a hymn!”
(sung to the tune of ‘What A Friend We Have In Jesus’)
“What a friend we have in money!”
“All the gifts that it can buy!”
“What a privilege to give it,
“please be cheerful, don’t you cry!”
“Psst! Brother Thlug!”
“Yes, Reverend…”
“Thanks for covering for me back there! That was a close call. And can you imagine Brother Pimp thinking that I would work for HIM? Geesh!! LOL!! ‘Sister KnowItAll’ almost got away with ratting me out! But we taught her!! Damn! That must have been an excellent sermon. Just look at our take! *wink* *wink*
shelbycourtland 