Please listen to me!!!! Suicide is NOT the answer!!!! Please seek help!!!!!!
Dude, your poetry is what drew me to your website, and though I am the last person who could “man” the suicide hotline,” I am going to try my best to encourage you to seek help from a Black psychiatrist/therapist since Black folks have a special kind of situation in America, and if we are suffering through a mental health crisis, heading to a white psychiatrist/therapist is not the answer.
This is your second post in a row about dealing with suicidal thoughts and feelings, and since you have two young children, it is imperative that you get the help that you need. I know that you are considering them since you have mentioned them in both of your recent posts. I also noticed that you did not mention your wife as what was also holding you back from committing suicide. Please try getting your wife to go along with you to a marriage counselor to see if you two can get your marriage back on track since it is quite telling that you don’t include nice thoughts of your wife in keeping you from committing suicide.
I realize that I have been hard on Black men on this blog, and I apologize for that because I need to realize and understand that the Black man in America is in a unique position. He is in a position unlike any other on this planet. The Black man has to maneuver this white supremacy system, all while trying to protect the Black woman, and he often feels as though he has failed not only himself, but the Black woman and children as well. Hurt people, hurt people and though I am not saying that Black men who hurt Black women should get a pass simply because they are hurt individuals as well, it stands to reason that we are all victims of white supremacy and as such, we are under attack, ALWAYS! And that can have a devastating impact on anyone’s mental health.
Your situation is exactly why I refuse to enter into anymore relationships since I have found myself to be at more peace with myself thanks to being alone, but since you have two small children, that would be difficult for you since you and your wife, if you were to separate and divorce, would more than likely fight over who is to have physical custody of the children as opposed to visitation rights. I am pretty sure that you are so overwhelmed at this point since it seems hopeless to remain in your marriage with someone who, for whatever reason, is no longer the person you want to be with, but now, the two of you have two children to consider. Your days are looking long, and your nights seem longer, I am pretty sure. And we are not getting any younger. You may think that since you failed once at this marriage thing, that it will always be that way. Let me tell you something.
I exited a marriage and that is when I had the time of my life, and you can too. When I left my ex, and moved on, I was walking down the street in search of a bank to cash my first paycheck, and finding none, stamped my foot on the pavement, screeched, and from somewhere out of the blue, a man said, “Hit me! Take it out on me!” I turned in the direction of where the voice was coming from, and there stood the tallest, handsomest Black man I ever did see. He was so solid and sturdy, and he was in uniform, and when I came up to him, he repeated, “Take it out on me! Hit me! You can’t hurt me!” I laughed. I told him that I was not going to hit him in the middle of the street and get arrested for assault, and he threw back that beautiful head of his and guffawed. Then he picked me up, and we locked lips like we were never going to let go. When he put me back down, I damn near swooned and had to be captured in his arms again. *wink* The rest is lust filled history. Damn, I am thinking about him now. Those lips!
I typed all of that to let you know that life does not have to be over just because the two of you no longer are as committed to each other as you once were. And even though children are involved, the two of you can sit down like adults, before a marriage counselor, and get help in figuring out where to go from here. As well, you can seek psychiatric help along with therapy to help enable you to process the horrible thoughts that you have been having in wanting to end it all because things did not go as you may have planned. Sometimes, standing at the altar and promising to love, honor and cherish til death do you part, does not happen and your death should not be a result of you feeling that the only way for you to be completely free is to commit suicide. Suicide is never the answer, and your children need you. They would be devastated if you were no longer in their lives. Please, consider seeking help in the form of a psychiatrist/therapist and a marriage counselor. I am taking those two recent posts of yours as a “cry for help,” and this is my response.
And to Black women in America, our men are suffering. We think that they don’t care about us, and some may not, but this particular Black man is suffering, and he is more than likely suffering due to feeling overwhelmed by having to maneuver through a system that is intent on beating him down. We know all too well what he is experiencing since we are subjected to the very same shit!! Sometimes, we need to be the strong one. We need our man to be able to lean on us for a bit. We need to step up to the plate, like we always do and let our man know that he means the world to us. If the Black man is not beating your ass, but is showing signs of strain and anguish, let him know that you are there for him. Help him on his journey to better mental health. We are never going to all be mentally fit and well since we can do nothing to stop white supremacy’s shit, but we can have each other’s back and try and seek help when we need it. We have got to stop being each other’s enemy as that is not the answer. And I have been guilty of this, and I need to stop being the problem as opposed to trying to be a part of the solution. Our Black men need us, and we need them.
Suicidal dude, I am not going to post your name or your website here, but since you used to follow my blog, I am hoping that you still follow my blog, and even if I have not seen you in here in recent years, I hope that, somehow, this post finds you. Dude, your poetry cried out to me, and I have answered it. Please, do NOT kill yourself!!! Please seek help! I beg of you!!!
Utopia!
No darkness. Only light.
Nothing’s dim. It’s all so bright.
No one’s hurting. No despair.
No crime. Love’s everywhere.
No tears and not one fear.
No drunks. No bottles of beer.
No heroin and no crack.
No employee got the sack.
No pain and no disease.
No asthma, not one wheeze.
No enemies, only friends.
No open wounds to cleanse.
No earthquakes. No mudslides.
No threatening ocean tides.
No radioactive mess.
No tainted food we bless.
No lies are ever told.
No human being is sold.
No wars are ever fought.
No fossil fuel is sought.
No poverty. Only wealth.
All secure and in good health.
‘Utopia’, where are you?
I wish I had a clue!
Written by,
Shelby I. Courtland
©2013 Shelby I. Courtland
Suicidal dude, I sincerely wish that there was some sort of Utopia that I could encourage you to go to, in order to heal, but there is no such place. How I wish! When I wrote the above poem, I was deeply upset about everything that was going on in the world at that time, and you can see that I wrote the poem in 2013, and today, everything is much worse, and that “worse” part is not letting up. I can’t tell you that there is a silver lining, and that this world’s people will ever get it together, I wish I could. I can only say that as long as we have breath in our bodies, the fight, the struggle must go on. If at times, we need help because the task of going on seems too daunting to contemplate, that is when we seek the necessary help to get us through a momentary collapse of all hope. But we must find a way to come out on the other side of hopelessness, despair and anguish and realize that this too, shall pass. It may come again, so please seek help and continue seeking that help even when you feel better because the wolves are always ready to attack. Build your defenses and shield yourself from attack.
Suicidal dude, folks on this blog are sick and tired of hearing me whine about having sat my ass out on the mean streets of Washington, DC for eight damn long ass months due to being rendered homeless thanks to racism since I had paid my rent in full and paid it early for FIVE YEARS and still got put out, but I must draw upon that to let you know that if I could make it through that while damn near in my dotage, you can seek help and make it through these tough times. I was also involved in a major bus accident while homeless and am pushing a walker around and was damn near attacked by a randy goat of a Black man, but I am still sitting here trying to talk you down from off the ledge. And the sights I see on a daily basis since I help the homeless would curl your toes. I am in no way stating that what you are going through is any less than what I have gone through or what homeless people are still going through because your issues seem insurmountable to you at this point, but believe me, there are people who are more than likely near feeling as you feel; hopeless, lost, abandoned and suicidal, but they keep keeping on. Please consider going that route, but just with a bit of help to see you through these hard times.
I wish you good mental health, my brother, from a sista! The next poem that I see from you, I hope that it will be a poem about pushing through and pushing on. Take care of yourself! You are loved, my brother!!!!!
shelbycourtland 